On the edge and toppling off....

Good for you Dev. So proud of you - you are doing exactly right..
((Dev))
((Iz))
two of THE most amazing women.

Have had a strange day. Couldn't sleep last night & so slept most of the day. It's dark, late-ish - 10:30 pm. I find myself here just wondering about things ... my personal crisis & bad old repressed memories come back to haunt and now to be healed. I'm listening to sad songs just because I feel like it. (Sting - Fragile, They Dance Alone; Ghosts - Dan Fogelberg ...) I'm thinking and wondering if part of this isn't a crisis of wanting to do something truly meaningful - the counseling, I mean. I take it very seriously. I'm anxious to get started and yet I know it will take time to do so - much preparation still needs to be done. Maybe am I afraid of failing? I know that when I get to it I will be ready and equal to the task. Or maybe I'm just afraid of not getting there. Don't mind me, I'm just wondering out loud so to speak ...

"We must face what we fear; that is the case of the core of the restoration of health".

Thinking of you.... you won't fail here Dev - you have shining tiara!

Izzie,
Thinking of you and hoping things are going much better. Going back to work ,
how is that working out for you? I go back to the doctor October 4th to have my foot checked where I had bunion surgery. Love you
Jodie

Jodie girl.....

Thanku - I am well.... and have started back at work part-time - tho my life plan is changing at a rate of knots.

More importantly, how are you getting along? Are you up and hobbling around and how is the healing? Haven't seen you around the boards much lately, but know you have a friend who is by your side when needed.... as are we girl.

Let us know how you are managing. Hugs and love to you Jodie.... so good to hear from you. xxxx

Hey, all. Feeling many mixed emotions today & thus the need to write. I've got post-exam "bubble brain" from putting what's on my mind down on paper. I'm confident I did well. I don't know how soon we find out.
Believe it or not it's not the most of what's on my mind. Hubby has had a most promising interview in the last week and it looks good. Trying very hard not to count my chickens before they are hatched!
... I have lots of feelings going on inside. For one, there's the anxiety that's always there. I'm sure that's a mix of all the other stuff going on. I'm feeling hopeful, and yet I don't dare. I'm having thoughts of the cr*p that life has been (financially) the last 7 - 8 years - to include the #$@# job he got let go from which paid but a pittance, and all we've not been able to do, especially for the kids! That hurts me as a mom, and the list is long. I know it's water under the bridge but it does weigh so heavily on me. Some of them, like braces, are a really big huge deal!
I'm scared he won't get it and how that will affect him. He's on absolute pins and needles waiting to hear!
Well, I know there's more in here to sort, but I just don't know what else to say for now. Thank you all so much for your friendship and support. I feel like I'm saying it all the time, but I sincerely mean it from the bottom of my heart. You all mean a great deal to me! OK, now I'm gonna go stop crying!

dev -- you've got a lot of stuff in your head and in your heart but if there's one thing you should let go of it's that your kids are being deprived due to your financial situation. I know you mentioned just one example of something you aren't able to do for them but if you have a mental list ask yourself point-by-point if 1) it's truly a deprivation, 2) is it now or never, and 3) what's the longterm downside of not having this item in their youth?

I grew up dirt poor -- and I mean hungry poor -- and was judged by others accordingly. Sure it had an impact on the person I became as an adult; frugal, self-reliant, determined, and I try to be caring and non-judgmental about the feelings/actions of others. My outspokenness was innate so I would have said what I think regardless <wink>. There's worse things than growing up poor. There's growing up without love and I know for a fact your kids are rich in that regard. You're doing what you can financially and you love them for all you're worth. Feeling weighed down by your financial situation doesn't undo it and it doesn't help you or them.

Hubby will find work -- if not this job then another one. You will one day finish school. You're situation will change someday. I know it isn't easy and I'm not trying to minimize your feelings but do let go of those things you can and try to relieve the heavy load you're carrying.

((((( dev )))))

Pins and needles of anticipation are to be expected. Keeping fingers and toes crossed on this end.

oh, and lots of adults have braces.

More (((( hugs ))))

Thanks, JP. I know it's true. It just gets to me sometimes. Thanks for the hugs (((back atcha!))) and the well wishes. I'll let you know when we know something. This is gonna be a long week end, especially for hubby.

Just gonna think/write out loud here some more ... I think I have a problem with agoraphobia. It feels weird to write it, but I've been trying to figure my anxiety issues and I come up with feeling a lot of fear - about a lot of things. A lot of even little things make me anxious and I've been kind of keeping myself inside. Not on purpose, or is it? Agh! I just don't know how to explain it. The kids coming in & going out of the house make me anxious. Why? I don't know! Thinking about getting ready to go some where out does too, but I do it. It's just that the anxiety is there! Do I not feel safe? Well, then why do I feel that way? I don't know!! I'm sure there is some fear of my failing to get to my 'career' ... It's all just really (unreasonably) scary for me right now! ... Guess I'll just have to think about it a little more... I just don't know!
I have a lot on my plate to sort out. Will doing that help or make it worse?...Ahhhhh!

dev,
It is possible that you are over-analyzing. My anxiety problem sometimes causes me to over-analyze. I have even applied diagnoses to myself that were not really appropriate. Dealing with anxiety is an ongoing thing. Sometimes it helps to stop thinking and just do your normal tasks. In regards to going outside the home, being aware of my surroundings and focusing on what I want to accomplish outside helps lessen my anxiety. It is possible that you have "general anxiety" rather than something specific like "agoraphobia".

Hey Queenie...

I think your fear is very real to you right now.... I don't know if it is "agoraphobia"... or whether your anxious feelings are dominating your world right now....

k - throwing something out here....

you are an outgoing personality... I remember when we first met on A2K - lively, vivacious, mad, bubbly, outgoing....

you've been in the military...

you are an organised person

you have been coping with a lot.... huge amount ... over the last few years...

from what I can see.... maybe not see... but HEAR from you - is that there is no control here, not anymore for YOU - these memories that have been brought to the fore - this could have taken some of the control you had over your life... the struggles financially and emotionally are eroding the control you had, say, 6 months ago.

I may be completely wrong... I don't know Dev - you went thru that period of feeling really poorly, tired, etc - those were physical symptoms but maybe caused by what was going on emotionally -

dealing with hubby and the work status...

Thing1 and Thing2

School

now.... schools out, Thing1 and 2 are doing good with school, and hubby is getting interviews for jobs....

the realisation of "taking control back" and going to counsel people, work, go thru counselling..... MAYBE this is pushing your anxiety levels way up - coz now - reality is setting in about what happened in the past...... and where you are now going to take it. Does that make sense?

Let me see if I can explain it..... now that other events are sorting themselves out, now that you don't need to hold it all together - well, now you feel LESS control over life - making it harder to go out and face the world.

By rights - it should be the opposite. By rights you "should" be forging forward ahead with your career and happy family and alllllllll that stuff - but it doesn't work that way...... now, from what I can hear - moving forward is a scary place to be, because you don't know what is now going to happen with YOU -

and then it can be we over analyse..... maybe that's what i am doing with you now....

maybe you are nervous about the co-counselling and personal counselling because you may remember other things about the past....

maybe you aren't ready for that -

maybe the fear about the co- and personal counselling is putting too much pressure on you.

Can you take a step back?

Can you wait for a little bit before you start the co- and personal counselling?

You do go out - and you are able to socialise still - outside of the home - but I know you don't enjoy it .... or rather, the apprehension before hand is awful (I can understand that, I do the same).....

keep talking...... keep getting the thoughts out.... if you are comfortable doing that....

know we care and love ya Dev hun. xxxx


..................................
((((((jw)))))))

Thanks, izzie. I hope that I did not over-simplify dev's problem. I was just reminded about some mistakes I myself make. The perspective from you may give dev more insight.

Thanks, to both of you. I'm trying to take a step back and just "be" for right now. I'll write more as the spirit moves or as I feel it take shape and can write it down.
Some very good points, both. I thank you. Just trying to sort and ... breathe.

pppppppppppppfffffffffffffsttttttttttttttssssssssssssssssssssttttttttttttttt

Seriously, badly want to SHOUT..... at something, anything.....

MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN MAN


bleugh

cr*p

annoyed

frustrated


something.....resembling MIGHTY CRANKY






AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


EEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

PAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSS



k....


do I feel better






................



NOPE!

NADA

MAYBE

DON'T KNOW

I AM GRUMPY ................ or am I sad.

Both.



Need to divert.

River.... go to the river!

Be fine again in 5 mins no doubt.

Who knows. Whatever...... ah that's a good word right now WHAT-THE-HECK-EVER.


<stamps feet, throws hissy fit, goes out in rain to river>




stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp....

Quickly making some tea...

(where the hell did I put the Earl G)

good advice - tea and BREATHE...although kicking and stomping and a bit of screaming generally help a bit as well...
Hugs Iz -

uh oooooohhhhhh ---

OK

I’m gonna go for it..... listen.... or don't.... it's fine. I'm just saying it all out loud now.

RANT RANT RANT....

SO..... lots going on. It’s all ridiculous in the bigger scheme of things

I sit here " on my own " well, little fella is here, but on my own " festering at the ridiculous situations I find myself in

I’m jumping...well, no I’m not, because I can’t coz my stupid feet don’t work. There’s the start. The body is pathetically useless much of the time " the brain works, it has ideas, it wants to function when the body doesn’t. The feet have had that much work done on them " I walk " not far " but they pain me " I finally got the appointment to see “the expert” " who was horrified I hadn’t been seen before " now, I don’t just no get to wear heels and have bionic feet " I don’t just get to have orthotics " I get to have “special shoes” made for me, extensive physio, tendon stuff done, possible MRI, my right calf has no muscle, I cannot stand on my toes " nothing... it doesn’t work. Anyhoo " that’s not really important " it just is. It’s just annoying. As are the rest of my joints.

At the moment BigBoy is at my parents. The police are on their way. Again and again and again and again... he has just told me what he is going to do to himself. I cannot even react any longer. I had the phonecall " THE PHONECALL " from my Mom about half an hour ago.... the call that’s been waiting to happen for many months.... the call where she cries and tells me how awful this is for them again " I can’t keep quiet " I’m calm, rational, I’m telling her she allows R to do this to them " how they have to learn to say “no” to him, that he makes choices, that physically he is old enough to do as he chooses despite not having the mental capacity to understand the consequences of his actions....

You know what kicked it off..... how..... can.... this.... be...... the washing machine at The House broke. Another child is there is another flat. A new washing machine was brought in. The other childs washing was done in it.... this washing was dirty " THEREFORE " R WILL NOT PUT HIS WASHING IN IT. The other child is severely autistic...... the other child requires 24/7 help with everything single thing he has to do...... the other child has a TV which has more channels than R " R is spitting mad " the other child can’t even understand the TV yet has more channels....... R is mad " mad as hell. The staff are R’s.... not the other childs, they should be there FOR HIM.... he needed a lift to the town.... he got one..... coming back, someone who he doesn’t like is to pick him up " HE WON’T " HE DOESN’T LIKE THEM..... he could get a taxi, HE WONT, he could get the bus, HE WONT.... it’s all him him him him him him him...... and my mother allows him to scream and shout and throw his hissy fit, calls me up crying, tells me they can’t cope.... they shouldn't be coping.... I asked them NOT TO. It's been months of asking them to back off and let me be the mother. NOPE.... Mom has to be his Mom... or act like his MOM. But then she did that with my ex - she always knew more about what was going on with him... than I did.... it used to drive me nuts... in the end... I just let them communicate and shut down. Oh, none of that matters either.

NOW THE POLICE ARE GOING TO MY PARENTS...

R IS PHONING ME TELLING ME HE WILL KILL HIMSELF.....

Blah blah blah blah blah.....


WHEN DOES IT STOP..... it doesnt. Its continual. I put it to a place where it doesnt hurt. I look forward to the future....

In fact.... I made a decision. I then acted on it. I told my boss today that I am formally requesting a reduction in hours in order for me to go back to college, to study.... to get a life.... she supports me (or so she said to me " I will find out at the end of the week). I am attempting to move forward in my life " I don’t know how I will do this financially, but I will find a way somehow. If it doesn’t work " well, at least I will have tried.

Tulip and I are thinking of setting up a business together. To do this we must both go on courses. Moving forward. Trying to do the right thing.

Little fella is in on the decision making process. He is backing his Mom. BigBoy is telling me what a complete and utter.... words I can’t repeat..... am. How I don’t care about him. How I don’t love him. How I am lazy, nasty, cruel and not fit to be called a human, leave alone a mother..... oh.... and “when I die, you will be happy”

Tired of the aggro.... tired of the parents “enabling” him.... tired of telling people

My life has changed beyond belief in the last 2 years.... in the last 5 years.

I had a family. I had............... the world at my feet. It didn’t make us happy. It all but destroyed both my ex and I..... we love our oldest son..... but this.... this “whatever it is” with R " it nearly destroyed us all................. we haven’t had hurricanes, we haven’t lost everything, we don’t have to cope with famine, pestilence, world poverty......... all things which other people have to deal with every day...

We just have to cope with the loss of our son.... but no, he’s not dead, he’s just R " he does it his way " he always will..... I’ve learned to live with it, I’ve learned to live with the decisions we took to get help....... even tho the help wasn’t there....... it happened, it’s the way it is.....

I’ve learned to live with my body " tho I hate this disease..... I AM MOVING FORWARD " I AM LOOKING TO THE FUTURE......

I HAVEN’T LOOKED TO THE FUTURE FOR A LONG TIME.... I’ve been living day to day to day, hour by hour at times, minute by minute......

My friend told me “line up the problems” " I do.... I lined them up, I shot them down, one by miserable bloody one...... I WILL MOVE FORWARD

I’ve watched Tulip go to hell and back.... I watch her every day " I watch her children, I watch my youngest son..... we are all still living and breathing.... we are moving forward

The love of my life..... HA...... I may be his one, his forever " but it’s not real. He told me that today without even talking to me. How can love be that painful. How can loving him and loving my son be so damn painful.

So... what to do. Line it up and shoot it down. Think, accept, move forward.

Doesn’t stop me loving them.

But I gotta move forward and dammit I’m trying.

Now..... I wait for the phonecall..... you know, the next one from the police or R or whoever..... and deal with and move forward. I put the letter in to the School Governors tomorrow " and move forward hopefully with their blessing. I put the little fella to bed tonite and wave him goodbye in the morning and see him on Thursday nite " as he asked to spend the nite at school " he is tired with the travelling " it’s his wish " I accept that.

So..... I move forward. I accept. I get on with it.

Oh..... there’s more " but my hands tell me to stop typing. That’s reasonable.

It’s all about perspective " nothing is that bad.... it just feels it at times.

I am screaming inside my head, my heart is hurting..... yet..... I actually feel sane in the madness surrounding me.

And to top it off..... Rock can’t find the darn TEA...... Sheeeeeshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!



<so not gonna read this back.....>

If Noddy were here she would be kicking me up the bahookie...... I can still here. I think maybe I’m sane because I can hear her.


You wanna know what I’m really looking forward to........

How weird is this....

The feeling of a first kiss.

yup...waiting

K - R is now with the police. Mom is crying. I am not.

Now.... what's wrong with that scenario.