Hi Izzie
First -- deep, deep breaths. Writing that must have been extremely painful. Hopefully it was also cathartic.
There's quite a bit to digest in your post but a couple statements jumped out at me.
Izzie wrote:...The fact is, when it comes to being together with someone - there has to be strength from both us - I can't make him strong enough to see my child - he has to want to do that himself. He knows that this has all got completely blown out of proportion - he could have explained to his children - he could have stayed "true to him" - but he couldn't at the time. No-one knows what the future holds. All I know is that I can't help my son, no-one can, in explaining that J is his own person and makes his own choices. He chooses not to see my son. Believe me, J suffers as much as I do on that one. But that's his choice. I move forward in life - we still have contact - my life is changing - my choice - his life is on hold. His choice.
Exactly right. Everyone makes choices. Sometimes they're choices we can be proud of, sometimes not. Sometimes they make us happy, sometimes not. You can only choose what actions you take and what you do on behalf of your children. J has made similar decisions.
I don't see how anything could have been done that would have satisfied all parties. Someone was going to be hurt. Unfortunately it's most, if not all, of you {hugs}.
Izzie wrote:I can honestly say that I am content with "my" life - on my own and finding a whole world of bright new horizons out there. My little boy - I would say he is happy with "his" life. Neither of us want to be without my eldest son - but there is acceptance there now for the little fella and I that the big-boy cannot live in "our" world because it would make his world, and ours, a very unsafe place. We can't look after him and keep him safe with the difficulties he has.
I know how difficult this decision was for you to make. I'm glad you have found acceptance that you've done the right thing for you and both your sons.
Izzie wrote:I have made my peace that, for now, J and I are not together. We are at different stages in our jouneys and he needs to find his direction and settle on which path to take. He exists the day to day, being there for his kids if they need him - he's a phonecall away from them, sees his son at work each day, and he is doing OKish.
I am living my life, not in any way miserably these days, without him. I am actually fine on my own - it's quite liberating - even tho it can sometimes be a little lonely when I need a real hug. We know how we feel and maybe one day our paths will head in the same direction. If they don't - then that's the way it is. If it is ever meant to be, it will. I have peace with that.
I'm glad. I'm sure it wasn't easy getting there either.
Izzie wrote:My eldest son's life is just torturous. How do I help him get over "J". How can I help him - or do I just turn round now like my ex-husband has and say - "someone else sort it out - not gonna deal with it anymore". I can't do that. Not when he phones me every day to remind me and shout at me. I do hang up now. I've learnt how to do that. But I can't let him go. I need to make my peace on this issue and I don't know how to?
Izzie -- I'm not a professional counselor and can only offer a lay opinion. R has significant professional support and I assume they are aware of the background you've described here. Whatever feedback you get here should be tempered by the opinions of those professionally charged with his care.
From the little bit I know I don't know that there is anything you can do beyond continue to take his calls, let him know that you love him, hang up on the rants and steel yourself for the next time, hoping that eventually the rants will lessen and the talking and love will sink in. As a mother I know that you want to make the pain go away. Some pain is greater than we can cure. You may someday reach the point where you take the same path as your ex-husband, few would blame you if you did, but you're not ready to give up and that's a good thing (albeit a very hard thing for you to endure).
I don't have a good sense for how much control you have over R bumping into J but for now that's obviously not a good thing. I don't know that it ever would be, but not now.
As to continued contact with J... if those moments bring you temporary joy then you're more than entitled. On the other hand, if the pain of not being together is compounded by each contact that comes to an end then perhaps you would be better to give yourself a separation. You've done both -- complete separation and occasional contact. Which one works best for you?
I don't see an easy way for the two of you to become fully involved at this point. The situation of a year ago hasn't much changed except R has no trust for J. J's children are apparently still watching closely and haven't changed their opposition.
Tough, tough haul here, Izzie. Particularly on top of your recovery and the impending move. I don't wonder that you collapsed. Beyond continuing what you are already doing (taking calls, occasional contact with J), I don't think there are many changes that would be make a significant difference without bringing you (and potentially both of your sons) into an even greater stressful place.
Take the warning of your blackout to heart, Izzie. You're pushing yourself too hard. There's no quick fix. It's possible there's no slow fix. You are already supporting both sons as best you can. It's enough. Hopefully time will make things better. Hopefully time will settle J's children into lives of their own where they're less focused on their dad's life.
In the meantime only you can determine if seeing him occasionally is better than not seeing him at all.
