On the edge and toppling off....

A Shoe Shrine is much more satisfactory than a Bonfire of the Vanities.

Izzn't it just - had such a laugh and love my mini-heels more than the real ones - so - keeping it positive right now!

http://www.able2know.org/forums/viewtopic.php?p=3091208#3091208

Thanks everyone for your support - will be back soon x

Go girl

We're all here, all the time...

RH

Just teetering a little...
Are you all still there… on this thread…

This is gonna be a long one - don't really want to be writing on here again … but

Tearful, very tearful. Been so peaceful inside recently, actually - just happy - really content - being me and enjoying life such as it is at this time.

Knew I had one more big issue to deal with and the ?'ole steel trap was ready to snap away - but I steered clear of it so I didn't have to gnaw my leg off.

Oh jeeez - the tears are streaming now - I have so much I wanna get out of my head - it was a black nite last nite, and the nite before - not because of anything anyone did - just "reality" hitting home and I really saw things a little clearer.

My little fella came running in from school on Thurs nite - My mom had picked him up from the school bus at 6pm and swung by so he could "hug" me for real before going over to his Dad's. He's living between Mom and my exhusband until I am physically stronger. He needs that stability - if he were with me - he would take on his "young carer" role - at this point in my recovery - that is inappropriate. I know what I'm doing on that front - I know my little fella too well - I want him to just be a kid especially as his days at his new school are very long. His 24/7 needs to be JUST about him for a little while longer. Anyway - digressed again - he ran upstairs and just looked at me saying "Mom, you look so happy - what's with you these days - you are smiling all the time!" I told him I was very happy that he was doing so well and enjoying school and that we were going to have a nice new house to live in and that as soon as we could, we would go see it together. I also said that I was healing really well and that made me feel good. Most importantly, I was smiling just from seeing his cheeky little face beaming at me.

He then said "What about -his brother- and "J" (shall call him that for these purposes). J is the man I am in love with. I replied that his brother and J would not be with us in our new house, but that his brother will always be able to able to come and stay and call it his home if he chose to. As for J, well, we would always love each other, but he won't be with us.

My little fella left then after hugging me big.

As the nite wore on and a few phonecalls from my big-boys care staff… I then read a post from another A2Ker which kinda hit home quite a bit re a suicide. It was on a subject which is a little too close for comfort and one that I can see from both sides - and is in my face still daily.

My eldest is really struggling - he has been for a while - which everyone knows is happening - but I can't switch off from it. I try. I can't. It involves "J" at every level - not just the fact that my son has his own demons.

This is the one thing that I have the inability to deal with and will possibly be judged on.

"J" was a part of my sons's life long before mine. He owns a shop, with many reptiles, of course - my son's passion. My lad had been helping out on and off for a coupla years, during school hols etc, and they became very close. J never knew the seriousness of my son's difficulties (masking strategies)- I allowed my son to just be "him" whilst at the shop so he would not be labelled or defined by his problems. When he came home, whatever his misunderstandings had been whilst there, I dealt with without involving "J".

After my son attempted suicide at his out-of-county residential school, he was placed in care for a few weeks for his protection - also out of county. For a number of reasons - including the incredibly despicable care and support system in this country for these children - I brought my son home in the 2nd week of January 07. (He had been threatened by a maintenance worker at the care home and a child protection investigation had to take place)!!!! He came home and J offered to let him work at the shop (age 14) until a suitable school/care-home in-county had been found. This worked well for a few weeks - and we managed to get through the days - self harm and melt-downs going on - but we got through it. Shortly before my son was to move into the new care-home, he had a major meltdown when his anxieties were unsurprisingly just too much to bear, resulting in me on the floor with a bloody nose (not intentional on my son's part) - my son phoned J saying he was going to kill himself and thought that I was going to hurt him! At this point I didn't know J particularly well - he knew my Mom reasonably well as he lived along the road from her. J went to my parents - my ex-husband was there with my parents and reassured J I would not hurt my son and that someone was on their way my house.

The following Tuesday - I went and met with J. He had text me to say he didn't know what to do as this wasn't a side of R that he had seen before. This was the first "real" conversation we had had. I explained my son's difficulties and told him that as my son had now brought him into "our" world - that he needed to have all the relevant information. We talked some, both cried at the way my son hurts so badly as J had no understanding at all - we hugged and I left. His 16 year old daughter was in the shop as this was happening, but she did not hear the conversation.

I posted all the documentation, psych reports, social services reports blah blah to J and asked him to consider these very carefully before agreeing to be part of my son's life. My son adored him and if he was going to say my son could no longer work there, after the phone call a few nites before, then he was just to tell me, that would be fine, but I needed to know. Too many people had already abandoned my son after making broken promises and I needed to be prepared for the fallout.

J did not abandon him. He took him on and …. well, my son's placement in the care home was organised and not too far away, and he was allowed to do work experience in the shop (this is not normally allowed in this country at the age of 14 - but my son was not the norm and the government agencies believed it was warranted) So, over the weeks, J and I got talking - then one day - we realised we weren't just talking about my son any longer, we were just laughing about everything and anything. It was such a happy time. My son was settling (he wasn't allowed to come home for 3 months - to ensure he would settle and have complete 100% stability). J and I started seeing each other and would go visit my son together once a week. My son continued to work in the shop - but that was their thing. J told my son how he loved him and would always be there for him. They had many things in common and laughed together so much.

J and I had very strong feelings for one another - I guess, we had fallen in love. Then D-day happened. J's children - one 16, other 19 who works in the family business - told James that he loved my son more than them! His son would leave the family business if my son continued to work there (2 days a week).

J's life then fell apart. He cut my son and me out of his life and disappeared off for a short time - somewhere up country - to sort his head out. Meanwhile - my son was not allowed to go to work and had no understanding of what was going on. He was frantic. J wanted to spend time with us - but his children were stamping their feet - understandably as they felt they were losing their dad - (they are good kids) and they told him that he had hurt them because he always wanted to spend time with my son - (he had known him for 3 years) - but that simply wasn't the case - tho in their eyes it was. J spent so much time with his daughter, but not so much with his son. Anyway - when J came back he was completely broken - he loves his kids, he loves me and mine. My son was not allowed back to work - he wasn't in "education" - his life was crap and he was in care - he became, suffice it to say, very "extreme" again and his heart was broken. So was mine. Over the weeks J did come back to me - he said he wouldn't re-enter my son's world again until he knew that he was strong enough to be in it and strong enough to stand up and be counted. His children were now 17 and 20.

Last October - he had the strength. He moved into the house with me and the little fella - had phone contact with my son, but hadn't see him. All looked as tho it would work out - tho my eldest would not be part of our every day lives living at home. My eldest was so excited that he would come home for the day and see J. The day J had to see my son face to face - he couldn't do it. He had gone out for the day and was supposed to come home before my eldest left - but his children had been brought back into the equation. He did not come home until my eldest had left. He broke my son's heart again.

Oh, this is just the bare minimum here - there's so much else happened - but, the next day when J came home in the evening we decided - no matter how much we love one another - I come as part of a package even if my son no longer lives with me or has little contact with me. J's kids also come as a package. If J can't face him (because he knows the pain he has put my son through) - then - that's no good for me or my kids. He also wouldn't face him because he would not re-enter his life until he was 100% certain he could be strong enough to stand by all of us. So, we agreed he had to leave. He lost the plot in his head - we both did - hence my postings in Jan08.

When he left - he cut me dead - totally - no contact at all - one minute we were living, loving and laughing - next - nothing. I went out of my mind - as some of you know - I didn't want to be here. So did he. Meanwhile - every single day - my son blames me. Hates me. Won't even acknowledge me. My son hadn't seen J since last April. Last week - he saw him late at night - chased the car and threatened to burn his house! J and I do talk and have seen each other half a dozen times since Christmas. He initiated contact. I could have seen him any time I liked by turning up at the shop etc - but that is something I would never do. We haven't changed the way we feel - he just won't let his children feel the hurt of him, as they put it, "swapping chidren". His eldest is about to leave home. His daughter, who is also quite extreme, is in the TA's and intending on joining the army.

No matter what seems to happen - we end up coming back to one another. I just let him get on with what he needs to do and I get on with my life. It's coco.


So. I have told my kids that I love J and always will. My eldest tells me J never loved me and I just screw it all up anyway. My youngest just cries silently that his Mom doesn't have J or her eldest son. J is not strong enough to be there for us, and therefore hurt his kids. He is the kindest, gentlest man I have ever known - he doesn't have bad bones in his body - he just doesn't have strong bones. He's just like jelly. No-one can persuade me that he is bad - my family and friends destest what he has done to me and mine. But they don't take a look at the fact that actually, he's just putting his kids first. Isn't that what you should do? Even if reason tells you - "the kids will come round" - well - he can't reason that. And I don't judge him for that - the feeling you have for your kids is inexplicable. I just let him get on with what he needs to do and I get on with my life.

The question I'm asking - and no doubt I will be judged, as I have been warned, that - as a Mom - should I now, knowing how J and I feel about each other, stop being true to me and cut him from my life completely - would that make it easier for my kids. Should I say he is weak and pathetic and blah blah blah - when I understand totally what he has done regarding his children's feelings. Should I take down the photos of us. Every day - my eldest tells me it's my fault we are not together with J. It never lets up - it wasn't my fault J didn't have the strength to face my son or J didn't have the strength to show his children that they are "irreplaceable". J lives less than 10 minutes from me, on his own. I don't know where he is- it doesn't matter. He may as well be the other side of the world. We still talk - which no-one knows - and he is getting stronger. I believe he needs to go out on his own for a while and just figure out what he wants from life and where he wants to be. Wherever he is, whatever he is doing - well - our feelings won't change - we just aren't together. We were lucky to have experienced the feelings we have - some people may never have those feelings in their lifetime. So I think we were blessed.

We will love each other always. I can move on from every day living without him knowing how we feel about each other. My question is - how do I get my son through this. He can't move on - and he hates me because of it. He won't see me. He won't come and see the new house. He says the most awful things and is wanting to die. He doesn't understand why J is not with us. I have tried to explain the truth. At 15, he says, of course we don't come above J's children - why would they think that. But, I know, this is not really about J's children - this is about J not knowing what to do about the rest of his life. Yes - he loves us. Yes - he's in love with me. Yes - he doesn't know what he wants and needs to be on his own to figure it out. That's all fine with me - I'm not putting my life on hold, or going under anymore, because of who he is - I love him regardless.

My son tho - how can he reconcile this. He can't let go. He doesn't have the ability. He believes J is "his" - he has done that with so many people. He still gets so angry about people who have "left" him - but these people never belonged to him. In his world - these people are "there" for him and his needs. His feelings for J are genuine - he loves him so much. What he doesn't understand tho is J loves him too - as he does me and the little fella - but he doesn't know if he can risk, or wants to take "us" on - which is a life long commitment - for fear of hurting his children.

I believe our decision for him to leave was the right thing to do. I need whoever is part of my life to be "strong". The fact is, when it comes to being together with someone - there has to be strength from both us - I can't make him strong enough to see my child - he has to want to do that himself. He knows that this has all got completely blown out of proportion - he could have explained to his children - he could have stayed "true to him" - but he couldn't at the time. No-one knows what the future holds. All I know is that I can't help my son, no-one can, in explaining that J is his own person and makes his own choices. He chooses not to see my son. Believe me, J suffers as much as I do on that one. But that's his choice. I move forward in life - we still have contact - my life is changing - my choice - his life is on hold. His choice.

I can honestly say that I am content with "my" life - on my own and finding a whole world of bright new horizons out there. My little boy - I would say he is happy with "his" life. Neither of us want to be without my eldest son - but there is acceptance there now for the little fella and I that the big-boy cannot live in "our" world because it would make his world, and ours, a very unsafe place. We can't look after him and keep him safe with the difficulties he has.

I have made my peace that, for now, J and I are not together. We are at different stages in our jouneys and he needs to find his direction and settle on which path to take. He exists the day to day, being there for his kids if they need him - he's a phonecall away from them, sees his son at work each day, and he is doing OKish.

I am living my life, not in any way miserably these days, without him. I am actually fine on my own - it's quite liberating - even tho it can sometimes be a little lonely when I need a real hug. We know how we feel and maybe one day our paths will head in the same direction. If they don't - then that's the way it is. If it is ever meant to be, it will. I have peace with that.

I do not have peace regarding my son tho. Because that is a piece of my heart I can't fit together with his. It hurts like hell and the last few days - it's got harder. I don't sleep at the best of times, at the moment I maybe get maybe 3 hours and it's black sleep. Yesterday I went to look at my new house with Black Tulip. I took some photos and had a chat with the guy whose selling. I then just felt really tired. I sat on this chaps sofa and fell asleep. Actually - I had blacked out completely. I have no recollection of getting in the car, Black Tulip and her son leaving, going home, or how I got into bed. Somewhere I lost 5-6 hours. Maybe not a bad thing - I suppose at least I slept some. At some point whilst I was there Mom had turned up with the little fella at the new house - she said I had turned grey and passed out! I don't even remember them turning up. She apparently got me home, let me lie on my bed - had to take my little fella back over to his Dad, then came back out to check on me. Weird. Strange feeling that.

My eldest looked at the details of the house which my Mom had purposely left lying in sight at her house (he will stay with her). He glanced them, then threw them away!

My eldest son's life is just torturous. How do I help him get over "J". How can I help him - or do I just turn round now like my ex-husband has and say - "someone else sort it out - not gonna deal with it anymore". I can't do that. Not when he phones me every day to remind me and shout at me. I do hang up now. I've learnt how to do that. But I can't let him go. I need to make my peace on this issue and I don't know how to? I don't really want to be posting here - but I guess 2 months ago today - you all turned me round from making a big mistake - now I just have this issue left in the steel trap to deal with. Bit worried about pushing the submit button... but - here goes.

Oh- the positive in all this is………….. hey - it's a good sign being able to go to the new house and actually fall asleep - don't you reckon?

Hey Izzie,

What a heavy load you've got.

I want to advise -- in the sense of I want to be helpful -- but this is such a difficult situation and with so much nuance, and it's the kind of thing I fear I couldn't confidently offer advice on until we'd talked for about a week nonstop. And maybe not even then.

My preliminary, disclaimers-up-the-wazoo impression is that J should not be part of the picture right now. There are just too many variables, too much that is up in the air, without adding something else to the juggling act. As in -- heal. Sleep. Find a new house. Complete the move. Feel at home in the new house. Maybe... hopefully... nothing to plan on... see your elder son settle down somewhat.

Once these things have happened, take stock of your own feelings, where you are, what you think about J. And go from there.

Take care.

Hi Izzie

First -- deep, deep breaths. Writing that must have been extremely painful. Hopefully it was also cathartic.

There's quite a bit to digest in your post but a couple statements jumped out at me.



Exactly right. Everyone makes choices. Sometimes they're choices we can be proud of, sometimes not. Sometimes they make us happy, sometimes not. You can only choose what actions you take and what you do on behalf of your children. J has made similar decisions.

I don't see how anything could have been done that would have satisfied all parties. Someone was going to be hurt. Unfortunately it's most, if not all, of you {hugs}.



I know how difficult this decision was for you to make. I'm glad you have found acceptance that you've done the right thing for you and both your sons.



I'm glad. I'm sure it wasn't easy getting there either.



Izzie -- I'm not a professional counselor and can only offer a lay opinion. R has significant professional support and I assume they are aware of the background you've described here. Whatever feedback you get here should be tempered by the opinions of those professionally charged with his care.

From the little bit I know I don't know that there is anything you can do beyond continue to take his calls, let him know that you love him, hang up on the rants and steel yourself for the next time, hoping that eventually the rants will lessen and the talking and love will sink in. As a mother I know that you want to make the pain go away. Some pain is greater than we can cure. You may someday reach the point where you take the same path as your ex-husband, few would blame you if you did, but you're not ready to give up and that's a good thing (albeit a very hard thing for you to endure).

I don't have a good sense for how much control you have over R bumping into J but for now that's obviously not a good thing. I don't know that it ever would be, but not now.

As to continued contact with J... if those moments bring you temporary joy then you're more than entitled. On the other hand, if the pain of not being together is compounded by each contact that comes to an end then perhaps you would be better to give yourself a separation. You've done both -- complete separation and occasional contact. Which one works best for you?

I don't see an easy way for the two of you to become fully involved at this point. The situation of a year ago hasn't much changed except R has no trust for J. J's children are apparently still watching closely and haven't changed their opposition.

Tough, tough haul here, Izzie. Particularly on top of your recovery and the impending move. I don't wonder that you collapsed. Beyond continuing what you are already doing (taking calls, occasional contact with J), I don't think there are many changes that would be make a significant difference without bringing you (and potentially both of your sons) into an even greater stressful place.

Take the warning of your blackout to heart, Izzie. You're pushing yourself too hard. There's no quick fix. It's possible there's no slow fix. You are already supporting both sons as best you can. It's enough. Hopefully time will make things better. Hopefully time will settle J's children into lives of their own where they're less focused on their dad's life.

In the meantime only you can determine if seeing him occasionally is better than not seeing him at all.

Izzie--

This note will be briefer than your woes deserve. My husband is in the hospital and I'm recovering from some gastric problems. Over the years I've noticed that my strength is limited--and if I don't act as though my strength is limited....

I'm with Sozobe. Right now you have enough to deal with without adding "J" to the mixture. Right now the two of you have incompatable baggage and you have many, many immediate problems.

Have you told your doctor about your blacking out? This could be something physical--a side effect of pain meds, for example. It could also be a sign that Izzie the Mighty is going to C-R-A-C-K.

I appreciate that your older son with his limited understanding of the world feels that you've stolen both "J" and the independent "normal" life "J" provided for him.

You can't change his illusions, but you can grant him the right to be dead wrong. Granted, this child was born with problems and he has not had an easy life. Still, you are not contributing to a "cure" by allowing him to use you as a verbal punching bag.

Social mores are a mystery to him. When you allow him to abuse you, you are making his life more complicated, not less. If taking his abuse were theraputic, he'd be giving you less abuse, not more. He's in a dead end and doesn't have the sophistication to turn around. You'll have to help him by making it clear what is unacceptable behavior.

Love is not becoming a sewer for his misery. Love is starting to treat him as an independent adult with a right to an independent world view.

You are not abandoning him. You would be providing necessary structure for a chaotic and tormented mind.

Hanging up is an excellent start. Considering that you are recovering from major surgery and about to make a major move and sorting out the ends of a failed marriage, an excellent start is the best you can manage right now.

Sorry--have to return to my local problems.

Hold your dominion.

Hey sozobe.

My load is far lighter these days - I'm just stumbling a little these last couple of days with my eldest.

J isn't any part of the picture anymore as far as my family is concerned. I am content with being on my own, with my little guy, and, as I say, J is in a different part of his journey that I am. He has a lot of catching up to do be as comfortable with his life as I am now, in mine. He needs to actually just sort out what it is he wants from his life. I already know what I'm doing and where I'm going (thanks to A2K). So - he doesn't come into "our" world in that respect. Not at this time.

My only concern really, is how to help my eldest son come to terms with it. It's so hard for him to accept.

What my eldest says is. "You had J and the little fella and you were a happy little family, then the day he had to see me, it all stopped. The next day he left. How bad must I be for him to have left. What did I ever do". This was the second time J did this to him. Last April, then October.

That is how my eldest brain works. Thing is - he did absolutely nothing. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't mine. It just is the way J is. I can't explain that to my son.

He is so angry and sad, and can be hateful. I just don't know whether it would be easier for me just to say that J was not the person we thought he was etc. That wouldn't be truthful. Would it make it easier? I don't know. All I know is each day, I get it from my eldest, over and over about J. It breaks my heart he hurts so much. It scares me what he will do.

Thanku for replying. I don't think there are any answers to how I can deal with how my son is. Or how I get my son to accept it.





Absolutely no control at all. R's care staff called me last nite to say they had seen J in the supermarket, R wanted to go up to him, but they persuaded him not to. R can go to the shop any time - sometimes he goes, but J is in the office so he doesn't see him. ONE DAY - they are going to meet up. When that will happen - who knows. What will happen - who knows. If they were on their own - no-one else there - they would probably just wrap their arms around each other and hug. That's if R hasn't landed him one on the chin first - the second possibility!





I don't need to see J - oh, I love seeing him - we just talk, and laugh and tell each other we love one another - that's it. Best friends. Just not together. We know how we feel - we don't need to see each other or talk all the time - it's just there. I would always want to know he's alright. But we normally know when there's something up with either of us. Just feel it. Just know. Seeing him for an hour - not seeing him - either's OK at the moment. But I couldn't let either of my kids know. I wouldn't tell them I had seen him. That would hurt them.



I wouldn't want to hun. He has a way to go yet to get where he needs to get. He may get there. He may not. I won't put life on hold waiting for something that may never happen. Got peace with that. Doesn't change the way I feel about him - just complete acceptance of the right thing to do - for me, my kids and J.




Warning noted. Still not 100% today. Very wobbly and got a dead right leg for most of the day. Need to keep moving around. I know I just need sleep so badly. I take the sleeping tablets - just don't work. Those hamsters just don't stop spinning inside. Not even consciously thinking of things. They just keep popping in. It's just rubbish.

Noddy -

I'm terribly sorry your husband is in hospital and that you too have been poorly. I hope that he will get better with whatever is ailing him soon. Oh, I hope everything is OK. Sending you all the well wishes I can. Please let us know all is OK.

Noted and acting on. I won't allow him to verbally abuse me any longer - as soon as it starts - push the button.

Izzie--

One of the hard parts of Motherhood (particularly Mother of a Hurting Adolescent) is learning to let go and sometimes watching them fail.

Motherhood can be a bitch.

Situation:

Big Boy here - refuses to leave ...

Care staff withdrawn after 1 hours as he is now in my care ... my problem!

Option from care staff: Call police and have son forcibly removed for trespassing

THANKU - that is a big help to me!

It's Mother's Day in the UK.


Right... what to do ...

THINKING

SUGGESTIONS?

No-one to talk to.

Positive is = I got to see my son on Mothering Sunday

How good do I feel right now ...

will get back to you!

Izzie--

Your son may lack conventional social skills, but he certainly has a genius for timing.

Ask him whether he wants to be treated like a child or like an adult?

If he says, "Child" explain that you'll visit for a bit and then he'll have to go home. If he's not prepared to be docile, switch to "adult" mode.

If he says, "Adult", explain that you'll visit for a bit and then he'll have to go home. He's old enough to understand that you have rights, too.

Of course you don't want to call the police--but you don't want to be alone after dark with an out-of-control young man, either. You have your younger son and your own health to consider.

Can your mother control him? Can she help?

Endurance may make you feel motherly, but enduring out-of-control behavior doesn't help your son.

Some days are just one damn thing after another.

Hold your dominion.

Hold your dominion.

Reading and thinking of you, Izzie...

Thank you Noddy -

Firstly - may I say I hope Mr. Noddy is feeling better.

Secondly - may I say - I have huge admiration for you and what you are going through personally, in the past and to the present. You Hold Your Dominion incredibly well and I salute your strength.

Thirdly - thank you for replying when this is just "my world" being "my world" and I struggle to think straight at times.

So ... what happened is...

Both sons, neice, nephew and Black Tulip's son came for visit. Lovely. Happy. Children all playing on wheelchair and laughing their socks off. Will be posting pics on other thread.

Niece left with Mom. Boys went into woods for couple of hours - to be boys. Big son and little son fell out. Arrived back and the proverbial cr*p hit the fan. Managed to get downstairs to rescue Mom who had come back to collect boys. I ushered 3 little ones into the car - whilst eldest started stamping his feet.... on doors etc etc etc.

Big son VERY angry at my Mom (don't know what happened - but not Mom's fault). I asked Mom to take little ones and leave big son with me. He calmed. We talked. We laughed actually. He requested care staff come and pick him up - they didn't have a driver - were going to be 2 hours. I said we'd be fine. Big son still calm. Care staff turn up - TWO of them - big son, still calm, point blank refused to leave.

Big son's world = only 2 care staff when having meltdown.
Big son not in meltdown.
TWO staff not required.
Will not get in car.
Very calm.
IT'S A BLACK AND WHITE WORLD.

Care staff tell me because he is in the house, they cannot intervene. Therefore I have to call police if I want him to leave.

After painstaking thought - phoned ex-husband who has little fella - asked him to arrange for his girfriend to look after little guy - please could he take big son back to where big son lives. Hour later - ex-hub arrives - big son says "Bye Mom, see ya later" - gets in car - GONE. No problem.

My mom is upset - so have tried to reassure her I am alright, big son is alright and all is alright.

ME - sat here - whirlwind all around but I am in the eye of the hurricane - calm, placid .......... numb I guess.

Forced some food down me (thanks Mom for cottage pie and raspberries) - now laying here ............... silence all around me.

And breathe.

So - onto my distraction thread now to be the "me that's me" inside and smiling, and hey ho, tomorrow is another day.

(oh - I don't have little son living here right now - he stays at Moms and ex-hub until I am walking properly. He needs to be thinking about just him - not me. Just me here.)

(oh oh - got lovely chocolate and card for Mothering Sunday. I shall enjoy both).

Today - Mothering Sunday - realisation that Mothering can be a delight ... and heartbreaking - all in a split second and for a lifetime.

Tired now. Hamsters spinning. Going to play.

Izzie--

I had two sons and six stepsons (three with "special needs") and the road to manhood is a complicated one.

At least your Mothering Sunday's ending was anti-climactic. This is not exactly soothing, but it is better than Unseemly High Drama.

Is Big Boy ever on speaking terms these days with you and your mother at the same time? I wonder how he decides who will be the Wicked Witch?

Thanks for the kind words. My road is a little easier than yours right now. I have a bit more experience and my problems are aging rapidly.

Hold your dominion.

Izzie,
You are going through so much right now. Focus on yourself for a change.
I defitentaly agree being a mother is not always wonderful. I have one son that treats me like a queen and the other one thinks he can say what ever he wants to me. He has only done this since he has a wife. I have done everything to be family but she just seems to want to be involved with her family. The thing that bothers me the most is our grandchildren are getting cheated out of me and my husband being the grandparents we would like to be. When my son calls to start a fight I just say if you called to start a fight I just think it would be better if we don't talk now and hang the phone up. So I suggest you do the same. We as parents are always so busy concentrating on our children, we forget about ourselves. Take care, you should be number one. You are so fortunate to have your mom near by. Just count your blessings we have so much to be thankful for.

Just read this now. What a day. Time for Izzie to play.

oof...

and now?