I am torn and need advice *HELP*

I think that a lot. I have pleased him enough. I think it is his turn to please me.

I don't know where it is going. Right now we are at the dead end and can keep going, have to turn around to go back.

Country Girl--

I don't know whether taking turns in pleasing each other is part of your husband's rulebook.

I am not a throw in the towel kind of guy, and my wife is not a throw in the towel kind of girl. we have had fundamental disagreements on the magnitude that you describe. These have at times taken a year or more to resolve. What is required is that you both know what you want, are willing to fight for it, are willing to keep trying to make a deal, and that you treat each other with respect. I don't know if you two have those qualities or not, but if you do the problem will get solved.

We always met half way in many things. With bills, getting things we want or need, we never keep secrets from each other.

Our marriage was good until his dad came into our home. It went down hill from there.

Our sex life sux. I caught his dad standing next to our bedroom door while we were doing it, I came down to go to the bathroom and I hit him while i opened the door cause I did not know he was there. I looked at him, his face was blushing, so I knew he was listening to our sex life, converstations and such. WE can never talk without his dad eves dropping. My hub said that he never does that, bs, I caught him, he stood on the steps one day while I was on the phone with my mother, so I told my mom hang on, do you need anything dad, he quickly went up stairs thinking I never saw him. That is where the problem is too.

Oh the basement is a mess with all of his ****, He refuse to put them away. I can't touch it, God forbid if I do, he will get mad thinking i will break his stuff. I told my hub I don't want my basement like that, that is why I don't want company ever, I said it loud so his dad can hear me, I am not pleased with it. My hub said give him time, he is old. Hello my grandmother is almost 80 yrs old and she does more **** than he does, and she does hurt too. His dad is a biggest procrastinator. He says I will do it monday, 3 wks go by nothing done. My stuff down there is neatly placed out of harms way. i am always tripping over his stuff. It is getting old, If that was my stuff, my hub would yell at me to get it all cleaned up, well tell your dad. i have told him from time to time. nothing.

I just wish he would meet me half way regarding on his dad. If h really wants to save our marriage then he needs to do something about his dad.

But you put yourself in a very bad position if you say "fix this or I leave"

Much better would be "this is not working, WE need to fix it". If your husband wants to ignore the problem in hopes that it goes away then you will be forced to become a bit of a nag about it. If he insists that there is no problem then you must reconsider your marriage, because the way I see it if a problem for one is not a problem for both then you don't have a marriage. It is a team thing. he has tried to put you off with a delay move, to which you should respond by reminding him that this is your house too, that you are not currently throwing dad out on the street, but the situation is not ok so you two need to be working on a solution now. Waiting till he dies is not a solution to the problem, it is not dealing with the problem.

In any case you must fight for what you need.

I have to show you these photos. I had to.

This is one other thing I have to deal with every single day. I hope one day I break my ankles due to this crap. His dad is the biggest procrastinator.

This is my stuff, neatly nestled against the wall in a corner.
http://i246.photobucket.com/albums/gg94/PawsTastic/Other/DCP_7012.jpg

This is my couch that I could not put in the living room cause dad does not want his couch in his room. I hate his couch cause I am not allowed to put my feet on it. There are a few things on there that is mine.
http://i246.photobucket.com/albums/gg94/PawsTastic/Other/DCP_7016.jpg

Rest is all his dad's junk who refuse to put it up against the wall. Oh I don't want the boxed to get wet. Hello we got plastic bins that can go on the floor and the boxes ontop of it.
http://i246.photobucket.com/albums/gg94/PawsTastic/Other/DCP_7015.jpg

You can see my things, all neatly in the corner. Rest is dad's all cluttered up. Oh behind that is the christmas bins that dj and I both have too neatly.
http://i246.photobucket.com/albums/gg94/PawsTastic/Other/DCP_7014.jpg

http://i246.photobucket.com/albums/gg94/PawsTastic/Other/DCP_7013.jpg

This is his kitchen counter, he refuse to get rid of it. Well guess what it got mold all over the bottom of it and he is taking it with him when we move back to pgh. That means me and hub have to lug that again.
http://i246.photobucket.com/albums/gg94/PawsTastic/Other/DCP_7017.jpg

I have tried to tell him that. I do love his dad but I can not live with him. I can't put up with it no more. I had enough. I moved out of my parents and it was a relief for me, I do not need another parent with me. I do love my husband but I have done enough this time. I have tried and tried. I just gave up.

That is a huge problem....you can't give up. You have to respect yourself and your needs enough to fight for them. and what is the deal with the photos? You don't need to justify your needs and desires to anyone, not even your husband. If you need it you need it, why is irrelevant. Ditto for what you want. You keep blaming your husband but a major part of the problem is that you will not fight for yourself. You can get out of the marriage easy, but that will not solve this problem. You will get into another relationship and do the exact same thing again.

I can't tell his dad nothing. His dad won't listen to me. He'll listen to my hub but not me. I have tried, so I told my hub you tell him everything. He pretends that he did not hear me.

Oh I'm sorry I did not know you were talking to me. There is no one in the room. I must be a psycho talking to myself. It has been 3 years and I have fought and fought. I am breaking for freedom. I don't want to end the marriage but he is not helping at all.

I know it is hard to tell your mom or dad, um I need to put my wife/husband first. Marriage is important to me. So I need to ask you to let us have that.

I would have a hard time telling my mom or dad but I would for my husband for the sake of the marriage. Come on.

I would organize it for him and such. He does not want me touching anything. He thinks I will break them. I even offered to move things, he can jsut tell me what to where and where to put it, what to take out and everything. Nope. I wanted to incorporate that blue couch into the living room with my big one. Can't, he refuse to put his couch in with his recliner in his room. So my couch is getting ruined, that was given to me by my parents, very expensive. All my stuff had to be put away so his dad's things stay out. So I got rid of alot of stuff. My hub asked why not give the couch set to a friend. I said no way. i am not giving that up. I have given up enough stuff. I am putting my foot down, and it is staying. if his dad don't like it then don't look at it.

My Mom can be a b*tch. My wife took the tack of continually asking me to fix what my mom was doing when i was not around. I felt put in the middle and when the situation was not resolved to my wife's liking she blamed me. My brother's wife on the other hand told my mom off when she got bad, and she did it several times in a row. My mom was nice to my brothers wife years before she was nice to my wife. Point being, it worked out better for the wife to fight her own battles.

I am sorry but I don't remember who owns the house. If it is you and your husband then absolutely the dad needs to have ground rules and needs to follow them if he wants to live with you. This should have been agreed to before he was allowed to move in. IF it is the dad's house then you should have agreed to ground rules before you moved in. Something went bad somewhere along the way. It seems to me that the first fix should be ground rules agreed to now, while you and your husband negotiate and work out a long term plan.

A lot of the time you sound like you have taken enough crap and something needs to change. I applaud you for that. When things are not working, when you are not getting what you need, something has to change. More than 20 years ago the original (I think) dear Abby would habitually get letters about so and so taking advantage of the person writin. Dear Abby would respond (and I am paraphrasing), Honey, you're the one letting them do it, if you don't like it then do something about it. That has always stuck with me.

I do know what you mean on what you are saying about your mom with your wife and sister in law.

I have said my piece all the time. It just goes through one ear to another no matter what I do.

The lease is in my hubs name. It is both of us, but his dad lives under our roof. It was ok when he first moved in, I say about 8 months after living with us it got progressively worst. I did everything in my power.

My best friend is moving back to Pgh in the spring. she sold all of her furnitures. So I told my hub that my 2 seater couch that my parents gave me is sitting in the basement about ready to get ruined. So I thought I can let my friend take my couch set, the love seat, couch, and 2 end tables until she has enough money to purchase her own set, and it would be a big thing less when we do the big move.

He said why, why don't she take the couch bed and put the blue couch in the pc room. I told him, um the furniture is my decision not yours. I told him do I tell you to take your dad's couch and put it in the pc room or the basement. He was mad that I mentioned that. My friend sold everything in California so she can move back to Pgh, so I thought to cut us a break with the moving since that furniture is very heavy, and it would give my friend time to purchase her own. He said it rudely back to me, do what ever you want to do. Gee thanks for your help. Now if this was his friend, or family, Oh yeah he'd do it if I had mentioned it.

My hub will not put ground rules down with his dad cause I know it, it is stupid.

I don't expect my husband to change his life for me, I don't expect his dad to change his life for me. Be who you want to be. But respect everyone's wishes.

Like I said I will be going to Pgh for a few wks to get away from them both. Take a vacation, do what I want to do, what I enjoy doing, I am so sick and tired of sitting on my ass in front of the pc all day long to get fat. I don't need it. There is not much around here in Weirton but I go for walks when weather permits it. If I go to my hub and say let's go to walmart to get out of the house. I know it is not the best thing but hey at least we are out of the house.

My hub never once asked me if I wanted to go to Pgh to visit my sister at the cemetery. But he asked his dad every week. He surprised his dad today by taking him to the cemetery to visit my hub's mom. I have not visited my sister yet since early last month. I have to ask him if we can go to Pgh. Oooh gas, or oh the tires are bad. BS but you can take your own daddy. Come on, I know I am ranting and raving right not. But I need it. I am not a cemetery person, but I would go and pay my respects. I just don't go twice a week. That don't mean you can not ask your wife if she wants to visit her own sister alone. No his dad has to tag along everytime. That is why I don't go out no more when his dad is around. I refuse to let his dad pay for my meals now, to let my husband know that we can pay for our own sometimes.

I told my hub before they left, give me a call if you decide to go out to eat so I don't wait forever to eat something and they arrive home at dinner time. He calls me all rudely and said you told me to call you so we are going out to eat. I said ok no problem, I will cook up something for me. Now if that was me, I'd call him and say hey I am going to go out to eat so go ahead and eat something instead of waiting. I think it is a nice way to do it. But he was rude and mad that he called me.

I am sorry to confuse you all, It is also helping me get my fustrations out. Thank you for putting up with my BS right now. I just home I can get this crap figured out when I return back from Pgh.

Country Girl--

A spring getaway in Pittsburgh sounds like a good idea, particularly if you set some ground rules before you go.

Does your husband have a job yet?

Who does the cleaning? You or your f-i-l? In my world the person who does the cleaning is the person who is entitled to arrange the furniture.

The eavesdropping situation is intolerable.

When you come back from the Brights Lights of the Big City, have one more conversation with your husband. If he tries, once again, to insist that the problem will go away, pack your bags and leave for good.

I agree, taking a mini vacation to the big city will help me. Also I will be helping my mom, spending time with my sisters children. I'll be treating both kids out for their birthday coming up in March. One is the 19 and the other is the 22nd. Also my mom needs her place organized for Easter/surprized birthday for my niece's 13th.

Yes he has found a job finally. He starts this week sometime. THANK GOD

I will be talking with my best friend this friday since we are getting together. I am going to talk with her about sharing the place with her and one other friend of mine and such. That way if I do decide, I can pack up and go when they get a place. It will be til May. I can deal with it then. My mom said I can go over any time I want. I don't think I will go back to my job since I am not sure if I am leaving yet, and when we are supposed to move back to pgh anyways. Hub is talking by May or June the latest, what is the point of going back and then leave again in 2 months.

I will have one more convo with him once I get settled back in Weirton, and find out what the plan is with my friend. Staying wtih my parents will be my last resort.

Country Girl--

Maybe this will be a permanent break--or perhaps you'll be getting through to him that you are serious about not living with your f-i-l. Either way, you're taking action.

Good for you.

Thank you,

I guess when I get to Pgh I will have my mom help me find a place to move in soon. I think I should get my own 1 bedroom place.

Hub comes in to ask me to help him real quick. Our dog puked. Yuck so he was asking if we had anything to pick it up with instead of paper towels. But did not.

Then we happened to talk about the elec stove. He said that it is about ready to go. Yay jump for joy cause I hate that stove. It is his dads too. Well he kept talking about a house with a finished basement. He and his dad talked about it too today how he could put his kitchen cabenetts up down there with his living room set, the elec stove, the fridge, his things etc. I guess he don't want to have a marriage with just me and him.

Country Girl--

Your husband is honoring his father, but breaking his marriage vows in which he promised to put you first.

You're right--conversations about the next house with a finished basement for Dear Old Dad indicate that your f-i-l is going to be a fixture in your marriage.

Your husband has chosen. Now you can choose.

Yeah I hear you. It hurts really bad. I have hardly anything to take with me to an apt. I have living room set, clothes, few bathroom things. Glasses to drink out of, nick naks. I have no bed, no silver wares nothing like that to sleep on.

I need to get bedroom set, few kitchen things, towels, few other things. I am on fixed income. So I need to find a place that is really cheap with most utilities included. I know my mom and dad will help me find a place. I may go to my parents priest who is my very good friend as well to see if they can help me get it started.

He started work tonight. ON his way it snowed so bad that he had to pull over. Well he called his dad to tell him that if the snow don't let up he will start his job tomorrow instead of today. He did not even call me to tell me that. How rude. I could not sleep last night cause I had to share a bed with him while he snored away.

Country Girl--

I'm afraid your husband is Letting You Know Where You Stand by talking to his father instead of to you.

Remember, he's made a lot of mistakes in your marriage and treated you poorly, but he probably doesn't snore on purpose.

You can start over from scratch. That won't be fun, but you're a survivor.