I met my husband year 2000, married in 2002. in 2005 his father moved in when his mother passed away.
Now just before his mother was sick and diagnosed with cancer he changed a lot. He said that depression was the issue, he was not depress that bad and I know it.
Well when his dad moved in with us, he was fine and all. Well when we moved to West Virginia he got worst. Everytime I want to cook dinner (his stove is all we have) he has to watch me use his stove while I cook, can't cook, if I touch his fridge he has to be in the kitchen while I do that. He refuse to use the same tube of tooth paste, wash his clothes with ours, will not use our dish rags to wash dishes, he does not like me using the dishwasher cause it uses alot of water, he don't like the way I do laundry or anything.
With him like that drives me up the friggin wall, for time to time I have told my hub that I need our marriage, not dealing with this.
Also top it off, my husband can not find a job where we are so he has to go a bit further right. I have been paying 2/3rds of everything and his dad pays a 1/3rd. Well I am the only one brining income since I am working, his dad gets social security. So I get stuck paying majority of the stuff. Can't go out, can't spend money, hardly see my family at all.
With his dad the way he is, is making me distant with my husband, also I am very fed up paying for stuff. I was going to break the news with my husband that I was moving back home after holidays were over. He kept asking me over and over for weeks what is wrong are you ok. I keep telling him I am fine just alot going on right now.
Top it off I just recently lost my one and only sister nov 15th this year. so grieving, dealing with his dad being that way and my hub being lazy I would say. I am at my wits end, Most of me wants to be home with my family, I miss my family very much, some of me wants to make our marriage work but without his dad. But I will never ever make someone choose who. So I thought it would be best to leave so my hub do not loose his family like I did for 7 yrs.
I decided to spend 3 days with my parents Christmas eve, Christmas day and go home day after. He calls me, hey my sister is going to talk with dad into moving in with her without telling him that the way he is, is effecting me big time. Also I told my hub that I do not want to talk about this or think about it until I come home.
I really don't want to go back home, but I kinda do cause of work. I can not wait another 3 or 4 months for my husband to start having more money once he gets hired in Jan and his dad moving out so we can live our life and move back to pgh. Also I know it within my heart that i will be with my sisters 2 young children alot.
Another thing that did not help is that my brother in law said come back home, I could use some help when needed, kids needs ya, and misses me. I know they need a mother figure.
Hi and welcome to A2K, countrygirl. First of all, I'm very sorry to hear you lost your sister, especially at this time of year. Please accept my sincerest sympathies.
I have read your post three times and am somewhat confused:
1. You say you moved to W. Virginia - why? I am presumign his dad moved in with you before that. So your father-in-law was okay until you moved to W.Va? But then he got 'worst', so he wasn't ok before? Does being in W.Va have anything to do with that?
2. What are his issues with the fridge, if it's yours? What do you mean, "...while I cook, can't cook..."? Can you please be a little clearer?
3. Why would you're sister's kids need a mother figure if they have a mother? And is this what you want to be - their mother?
4. Has FIL always been that way with the toothpaste, laundry, dish rags? It's not clear from how you've expressed it if this is a sudden thing or what.
5. When your husband has been asking you what was wrong, why didn't you tell him? You say you told him things were fine but you had a lot going on... but you're now thinking of leaving.
What exactly are you leaving? Your marriage or the situation?
I don't mean to be critical, but let's get the facts straight and see what's really bothering you.
From what I read, I gather that you feel: your husband is lazy, not working, you are paying for the majority of the bills and FIL is a pain to live with; you also really miss your family and have just lost your sister.
Basically, you are not happy with this situation.
What would it take for you to be happily married again?
What do you need to do and what does your husband need to do?
Could you go back to your family for monthly visits?
Are you seeing someone about the loss of your sister? (Perhaps you should, hon).
Sorry, but I really need some clarification on some of these questions, and probably you do, too.
I hope you have a relaxing Christmas with your family; please come back, though, and respond, ok?
0 Replies
Noddy24
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Tue 25 Dec, 2007 05:42 am
Countrygirl--
Welcome to A2K.
Mame's excellent post covered a lot of my questions.
I gather that you feel more like the hired help, (maid, cook, laundry woman, psychiatric nurse) than a beloved wife.
You've told your husband that you're not happy--but you haven't indicated just how miserable you are. Why not? What is his reaction to your unhappiness?
Your father-in-law's behavior is not normal. Whatever happens he should be evaluated. Senility can't be cured, but it can be treated. Further, your husband should be dealing with this--particularly since he's home all day.
Knowing what you now know about your husband, would you have married him?
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countrygirl102377
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Tue 25 Dec, 2007 08:26 am
oK, Let me explain a bit more.
I feel like I am a disease to his dad cause he refuse to use anything that we all share. Like I live in a dirty gutter or something to him.
We moved to Wva to get away from the rush since Pgh Pa is the city. His dad started getting like that a bit before we moved to wva, but really got worst quickly after we moved.
leaving for both, I don't think i can spend another minute with his dad anymore really. I am going home tomorrow and have to deal with it all over again, it is stressing me out big time.
My husband is asking me to be patient with him, I have been patient enough with him, I waited for a long time for him to start working and yet he is waiting again.
He said that he talked with his sister, she is going to get together with his dad and try to persquay him to move in with her, tell him every reasons why. But that is almost like a lie and I can not live with that. He will figure it out rather quickly that it is cause he and I can have our marriage. I told him I did not want to talk about this or think about it until I come home but instead he calls me last night talking about it and now I can not free my mind before going home. My stomach has not been right since.
I want to move back to Pgh asap, I do visit my family alot now. I don't want to take my sisters place, I just need to be there for her daughter who will be 13 yrs old. I know what it is like living with 2 guys and no women around. I have for 2.5 yrs.
I wish my husband step up and tell dad how it is in our home. The home is in our name (rental and all) but instead he babies him like kinda way. Such as ignore what he is doing, I can't cause I see it every day. It is not normal for me looking forward going to work to be away from it all.
Half is his dad the other half is my husband. Also my husband put his mother above me before she got sick and passed away. I was patient then, but he never really changed. I miss our old ways, I never changed when my sister died never, I never put my sister above my husband ever.
0 Replies
Noddy24
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Tue 25 Dec, 2007 11:33 am
Countrygirl--
I know there are two sides of every story, but it seems to me that your husband is not only leaving the soft-squishy nurturing side of the marriage to you by not doing something about his father, he's expecting you to be breadwinner as well.
Wonderful that he is the sort of man who wants to honor his parents. Far from wonderful that he puts their emotional comfort above yours.
Is it correct to say that you've been expressing first your unhappiness and then your increased unhappiness for 2 1/2 years?
Your husband is either a slow learner or a lazy listener. Some men assume that Women's Problems are to complain about, not to fix.
Further you found a job in WVA. (Of course you had considerable motivation to get out of the house and away from your f-i-l). Has your husband even been looking for work?
I think you have to go back to W VA after Christmas. You promised your husband that you would--and you have obligations to your employer.
You must go back. You must also make it clear that you want some major changes.
First: Other arrangements are to be made for your f-i-l, ASAP. Don't worry about being "fair" to his sister. Worry about your sanity which has been badly strained. This happens by the end of January.
Second: Also, by the end of January, your husband will have a job.
Third: By the end of March the two of you will have made arrangements to move closer to your family.
This gives you two deadlines: 1/31/08 and 3/31/08. If either deadline passes without action, make it clear that you will be packing your bags and moving out.
(I am assuming that no children are involved. If there were, my advice would involve more flexibility.)
May 2008 be a year of new beginnings for you.
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countrygirl102377
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Tue 25 Dec, 2007 08:36 pm
Noddy24 wrote:
Countrygirl--
I know there are two sides of every story, but it seems to me that your husband is not only leaving the soft-squishy nurturing side of the marriage to you by not doing something about his father, he's expecting you to be breadwinner as well.
Wonderful that he is the sort of man who wants to honor his parents. Far from wonderful that he puts their emotional comfort above yours.
Is it correct to say that you've been expressing first your unhappiness and then your increased unhappiness for 2 1/2 years?
Your husband is either a slow learner or a lazy listener. Some men assume that Women's Problems are to complain about, not to fix.
Further you found a job in WVA. (Of course you had considerable motivation to get out of the house and away from your f-i-l). Has your husband even been looking for work?
I think you have to go back to W VA after Christmas. You promised your husband that you would--and you have obligations to your employer.
You must go back. You must also make it clear that you want some major changes.
First: Other arrangements are to be made for your f-i-l, ASAP. Don't worry about being "fair" to his sister. Worry about your sanity which has been badly strained. This happens by the end of January.
Second: Also, by the end of January, your husband will have a job.
Third: By the end of March the two of you will have made arrangements to move closer to your family.
This gives you two deadlines: 1/31/08 and 3/31/08. If either deadline passes without action, make it clear that you will be packing your bags and moving out.
(I am assuming that no children are involved. If there were, my advice would involve more flexibility.)
May 2008 be a year of new beginnings for you.
Your right there is always 2 sides of the story. I had been thinking for a bit. I am going to talk with him and tell him that I would like him to find a good decent job with good pay within few wks, also I will tell him that I will be patient enough for few months with his dad and also find a new place before summer to move back to pgh. I will tell him what month I would like to see a few changes.
My uncle gave me quite a bit money today for christmas. I am actually going to put that away where he wont know about it and save it incase we need it if we move.
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countrygirl102377
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Tue 25 Dec, 2007 11:47 pm
I have talked with him.
I told him that I would like to see you find a job say by end of jan if can, once getting enough income talk with dad about moving out, then start looking for a place by summer.
He was ok with that and he did ask me to be patient with him too. I told him that I will. I also told him that if I look fustrated, annoyed or irratated, it is not him, it is dad. I told him that I will start taking walks when I feel that way at any time of the day or night. My mother did that for 2 or so months now, she said that she feels a bit better by the time she comes into the house. I love walks and I know that it helps me.
I will be telling him tomorrow about how I miss a few things that I enjoyed doing, having a drink or two, keeping a wine cooler, or fuzzy navels in the house, if I want to swear I will, lol just things simple like that.
I will not tell him that if it don't work out, that I will leave him at all cause then it will make him worried, and all, also he will keep asking me.
Thank you for the advice and idea. I will keep checking back and updating as well too.
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Mame
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Tue 25 Dec, 2007 11:51 pm
Wow, someone who asks for advice, gets it, and takes it! You are an anomaly, countrygirl, and I'm proud of you.
You sound much better, and I'm very happy to hear that.
Doesn't it feel wonderful to do something about it? Happy 2008, hon!
0 Replies
eoe
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Tue 25 Dec, 2007 11:55 pm
Be sure to hold onto that bit of money that your uncle gave you.
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Mame
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Wed 26 Dec, 2007 12:06 am
eoe! Ever the practical one - I never even thought of that!
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eoe
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Wed 26 Dec, 2007 12:12 am
Mame wrote:
eoe! Ever the practical one - I never even thought of that!
Well, countrygirl already had the right idea about it. No one likes hiding money from their spouse but I'll bet many women here were advised by their mothers to keep a little money on the side "just in case".
A girls' gotta do what a girls' gotta do.
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Mame
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Wed 26 Dec, 2007 12:14 am
You got that right... I just wasn't thinking along those lines at all.
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Noddy24
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Wed 26 Dec, 2007 08:04 am
Countrygirl--
Here's to new beginnings! Good luck. happy New Life.
Most marital problems are exacerbated when money is short. Having a nest egg for emergencies (and keeping the right to decide what is an emergency) makes most troubles easier either to solve or easier to live with.
0 Replies
SULLYFISH66
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Wed 26 Dec, 2007 05:13 pm
Countrygirl -
Often when adult children get back to the family home, they turn into "kids" again.
Your husband IS depressed.
I bet his dad was a real SOB to be raised around.
And now he's just an old SOB!
Set deadlines and mean them.
You and your husband need to distance yourself from all this.
Get Dad some outside help - then you two go somewhere to work on your marriage.
Good luck.
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countrygirl102377
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Wed 26 Dec, 2007 08:22 pm
Hi there, I am finally home to be able to sleep in my own bed. Thank gosh.
My father also sent me a hundred. I have money reserved for one thing and the rest is for the Wii that I want so bad. lol
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Mame
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Thu 27 Dec, 2007 12:24 am
[shakes head ]
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countrygirl102377
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Tue 1 Jan, 2008 09:11 pm
lol did not get a wii anyways.
Right now things are ok. This week hub is going out to find jobs. He knows that I am hoping that he starts working by the end of Jan.
But also I will be talking to him that I can not live a Christian faith either. I want to listen to music I like to listen to, If i feel like swearing I will. lol
So lets see what happens there.
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countrygirl102377
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Wed 2 Jan, 2008 02:23 pm
Now I know where I stand and I am pissed.
HE (hub) and his dad was talking about moving and all. Hub was telling him that we are moving in this one area that I want to live in. His dad says I don't have much of a choice then.
Well I have not decided yet with his dad staying with us or not. It is just the beginning to work things out. But I more want us to be husband and wife.
Well I asked my hub if my decision, says just me and him (hub) he gave me an attitude. He was like well I know you will stay that way in just us two, you tell dad this then.
I told him, um we are not moving for months and I have not decided. Well when he found out that I was going to leave him, he did not cry or shed a tear. But when he found out that I was leaving cause of his dad, he cried telling his dad, like a baby.
He don't want his dad to not live with us. He wants his dad to stay with us. I don't know now. I am pissed and hurt.
I will decide once I get my 130 dollars back by mail.
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Noddy24
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Wed 2 Jan, 2008 06:49 pm
Countrygirl--
Hang in there.
Quite possibly your husband was hoping, vaguely the way some men do, that everything was going to blow over and you were going to calm down.
Then you made it clear that his father's behavior is not acceptable and if your husband doesn't do something, you will.
You are insisting on change--and change is scary for some people.
Hang in there.
0 Replies
countrygirl102377
1
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Wed 2 Jan, 2008 10:21 pm
Noddy24 wrote:
Countrygirl--
Hang in there.
Quite possibly your husband was hoping, vaguely the way some men do, that everything was going to blow over and you were going to calm down.
Then you made it clear that his father's behavior is not acceptable and if your husband doesn't do something, you will.
You are insisting on change--and change is scary for some people.
Hang in there.
I changed for him even though I did not want to. I am not what he wants me to be. I thought changing to what I don't want to be would help. Heck no.
I am just ticked off right now. I wish he had shown that when this all started, then I would have already been out that door and that ring would have never been bought.
Also I asked him, when is he going out to start putting applications in for jobs. He had promised and told me on Christmas that he will start Jan 2nd.
Um hello, he said I wanted to stay with you cause your sick. I ain't dying or puking. I am jsut hurting from them coughs and strep throat. I don't need a nurse.
He also said I don't know when I am going out to look. I knew it and knew it. I have told my mom that if he don't start looking and finds a job soon, I am out. I am leaving alot of stuff, even some things that I should keep. I just want to take what I can fit in both truck and suv and leave. Never come back
My mom told me take what I can now (when ever I do leave or did want to at that point) and return for the rest. I don't want to do that. Cause I know he will find his way to get me back and I don;t want to deal with it.
My heart is torn, hurt, and shattered.
Anyone here been in my shoes. IF so what did you do
Ever the practical one - I never even thought of that!
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