Is cyber-sex, internet porn, chat ect...cheating?

You know what the worst part is though? not just that he does it or he doesnt care if it upsets me... the worst part is that I seem to have become obsessed by it now.... I keep trying to see what sites he's been at... what type of women he's looking at... I dont get it... whats wrong with me?

Hmm, this will sound folksy, but seriously, if he ain't talking, you should be walking. The problem is his complete unwillingness to try breaking from his non-communicative, insulting behaviour. He has labelled you a 'doormat' and doesn't feel it necessary to treat you with respect. Bad news tinan....don't get caught up in that vicious cycle. He won't change.

I agree. The problem ain't sex.

Porn, masturbation, fantasies...all can be good, pleasurable & useful in a healthy relationship. But whenever one partner insists on continuing to do something that irritates or insults the other...then it's a relationship problem. He is neglecting your feelings at best, tinan. At worst, he is intentionally provoking you.

Counseling would be a good idea for you. It will help you to sort out your feelings about staying in this relationship or leaving. If he won't go with you, go for yourself.

So sorry to hear about such a sad situation. I hope you get it resolved as cleanly as possible for all concerned, including the kids.

Thanks you guys.... I dont even really know any of you and yet just being able to let it all out has helped so much.... yes, I think maybe it is time I went in for some counselling on my own... even if it is just to figure out whether or not to stay in this relationship....
I still think this whole porn thing is the tool of the devil though

Good luck, tinan333!

Thanks sozobe... I think it just saddens me that two people who were best friends once could end up being this indifferent to each other. Hmmm... well maybe Im not that indifferent yet, but unfortunately ...and much as it saddens me, Im getting there. You guys are all right... I AM being disrespected, and I AM being provoked. You know what? more than the fear of being alone in the world with my kids again (not to mention taking their step father away from them) frightens me, I am so incredibly shattered that the person I thought was my soulmate (who WAS my soulmate when I first met him) has now become this person who I dont know, and who doesnt want to know me.

You guys didnt respond to one thing that I mentioned though.... is something seriously wrong with me? with my obsession I mean... of looking at the women he's looking at? Im serious guys...it really is an obsession.... If I cant find it I get desperate.... its like I HAVE to know WHO he's looking at and WHAT actually turns him on.... please please tell me...is there something WRONG with me???????

These things can get away from you, tinan333 -- as someone who dabbles in fiction, I often try to think from other people's perspectives. I can see that his perspective might be something like, he has always enjoyed porn, that was something you knew when you married him (did you? I'm totally guessing at this point), he's not exactly proud of it but doesn't think it's the end of the world, when you make him feel ashamed of it he distances himself further, and it becomes a vicious cycle.

That is pure, pure conjecture, with a point -- the point is that if you guys manage to really talk about it, you might figure out how to stop pushing each other away and instead come back together. You did get married for a reason, and it wasn't that long ago.

didn't see your last post tinan333... I think you're obviously very unhappy, and that's manifesting itself in various ways. So as with everything else we've been talking about, get to the core of your unhappiness and deal with it, and the obsessive stuff will probably stop.

No sozobe.... I didnt know... I dont know if I would have been totally thrilled with the news even then though to be honest...
Truth be told though... I think we are beyond sorting this out... it would be different if he would actually talk about our problems... he insists that he doesnt want to talk to me because everytime we talk it ends in an argument... thing is though the only reason I argue with him is because he doesnt pay me enough attention. When I tell him this he says that he isnt a performing monkey and that he shouldnt have to entertain me... I dont want anyone to entertain me... I just want a husband. The one thing I DO NOT have. in any sense of the word.

I wonder if any of you know exactly what Im talking about... My husband comes home, does not say one word to me. Sits down in front of the computer for about 2 hours. Eventually gets off eats something, usually nothing Ive made (unless I ask him if we wants something and then serve it to him) and if he doesnt find anything, he stays hungry (which, even though it kills me, makes me feel guilty, like Im not doing my duty as a wife)... then he gets back online. After that, I go to sleep on the couch and he stays online till Im asleep then he surfs the net for porn... (in an aside, to show him Im supportive, Ive kept his lubricant in the computer desk table) then goes to bed in our bed. He hasnt asked me to sleep on the couch, I went voluntarily, but he still says that I "can sleep in the bed if I want, it makes no difference either way". This incredibly magnanimous offer I believe is more so he can watch porn and jerk off undisturbed rather than for any consideration of my comfort.
SO...when I hear all this talk of talking about it and "discussing" it and DEALING with it... the one statement I am FED UP of hearing... I get upset... not with you guys... just with my life.

tinan333, do you want to continue as things are? That's what I mean by dealing with it... find out if things are salvageable, and if not, get moving. It does indeed sound like a horribly depressing situation, and it also sounds like you want to get out of it, one way (with him, after counselling) or the other (without him.)

do you really think I still have a chance of getting out of it "WITH" him sozobe? I mean while managing to salvage my self respect too?

I dunno, tinan333. Can't say from this distance, with what info I have. You've only been married for a year, though... seems like there has to be some reason you got married, and that wasn't long ago.

At any rate, if you try to find out whether you can make it work, you either find out a) yes you can, or b) no you can't. If you just decide it's not going to work, b) is your only option.

Best of luck.

thanks.... I am so sad. But what has to be done has to be done. Maybe Im a very impatient person, but Ive been married before, Ive stayed in a bad marriage (for 8 years) before, hoping for things to work out ... Maybe this time I have less of a tolerance. Maybe this time I will not settle... Its so hard though with children.... I wish I could make a decision independent of them....even though I know I cant.
When I got married though it was to a different person... not the person I am with now. He was moody and sulky and tempermental before too, but maybe not to this degree... now its ridiculous. I feel blessed/favoured/incredibly lucky if he talks to me.... whereas before all we ever did was talk to each other.... that infact was the very basis of our friendship....
He is a person with a lot of issues, ones for which I have always tried to be there... I am afraid that I dont even care any more though.... I think maybe it IS time to walk out with my head held high. I dont want to feel second to porn stars of all people.... if thats what he wants out of life he is welcome to them I guess. I hope that he may find more comfort from them than he has found with me.

why? has nobody posted a reply???? why????
I am here crying by myself after my supposed husband pretty much told me to keep a tally of how much he has spent on me and my expenses.... GOD I need help

Hon, get out now.
You are not happy and you need to be. Just make a plan, think of what is best for you, your kids (they need for you to be happy aswell).

You know what you have to do. You know what is the right thing... Love gets in the way. but that is not true love on his part if all he does is make you unhappy.

We're here for you.

thank you... I just talked to my husband and he told me he wants to divorce me.
I dont know what to do

I am trying to think of a way that I can manage on my own right now.

Re: masturbating to porn


My thoughts exactly. You just expressed exactly how I feel.