Question for those having affairs with Married Person

flushd wrote:

Interesting post, nimh:)

I followed everything you wrote there, but i am wondering: Do you ever consider that dating/sleeping with a girl who is with someone else is going to be a bad deal FOR YOU? Or is it a gamble you are willing to take- to get involved in a complicated situation?

Good question ;-). Ive definitely not looked out enough for myself ... as will be no surprise to the regulars here...

flushd wrote:

Do you ever get turned off knowing the one you are with is cheating on someone else? Or is it exciting and add to the desire to have her?

Neither much, really, not the cheating in itself. But how they handled it definitely had an effect on how I saw them.

(I dont think telling all is necessarily the best thing, btw, even in terms of what's right).

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FAO Morning Dew

I've tried the website address you gave nut unfortunatly I'm on a work PC and the site for some reason has been blocked, don't ask me why, they've even blocked the site of the local bus time table LOL

It appears I can't send or presumably receive PMs yet as I'm a newbie, understandable, I use another site that has come close to closing due to abusive PMs and it's only a travel site, not much to get worked up about.

Thanks anyway

bess

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Dear Bess
Dear Bess: the editor here deleted the link. Anyways, you may contact me at fqagnoli in the yahoo dot com. Hope you can get it. I await.

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Dear Tij
Same thing for Tijeras, if you so desire contact me at the address listed in the previous post. Best, MD

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Good Morning All!

Yes, now we are starting the discussion!

I'm beginning to see what people are actually thinking when they come to that moment as NIMH alluded to that the die as been cast, and I'm going for it.

Bess, I appreciate the fact you felt at the time you needed to tell the whole, then he did this, and then this happened, then I did this......however, it's just not necessary for what I was trying to ask.
There's a million stories in the naked city, as the saying goes, but you'll find the actual happenings all start to resemble each other over time.

WHY the decision is made is the important part.

If I seemed harsh - sorry. Sometimes ya gotta rattle some people to get them thinking.
I can tell you're starting to think.

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Just a couple things for all posting on this thread to think about.
After going to counseling myself he has me thinking about actions we as human's take.

1. It is human nature to want instant gratification (not just sex), but isn't it better in the long run to wait 6 or 9 months to step back and let the situation take the steps it needs to for honesty and trust. You know the saying if you let it go and it comes back it was yours if it doesn't come back it never was. But truth is always the best way to go or you have nothing for the future.

2. Take a good look at yourself with some self respect, how much self respect can we have for ourselves if we are getting involved with someone that isn't ours, it is no fun being hidden and feeling like you are only serving the purpose of his or her own gratification. This never builds a healthy relationship for either party. Personally I think a lot of us who end up having an affair with a married person have a form of low self esteem, but if we would only realize this makes it even lower because of the terms that are put on affairs does not build us up to what we deserve.

I do not have all the answers myself just going on my own experiences and things I have been told to understand myself and why I have made the choices I have.

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Hi trfirst

Your first point, I can see what your saying in general, but in my circumstances it's taken a long time to get to the situation I'm in.

Your second point, yes I agree wholeheartedly. My self repect was A1 until I gave in to him. I'd faught against my feelings for so long and thought I had my life totally under control. It's certainly no fun hiding or being hidden, one of the reasons I'm on the forum is due to the fact that I can't admit how things have gone to anyone. My sister, a victim of a cheating husband herself, whom I'm very close to, would go berserk! Not because she particularly likes the wife, she's never had any time for her either, but because she'd hate to know how much I've "lowered" myself, if that's the word. As to self esteem, that's gone the way of self respect.

As you've probably gathered, feeling a bit low at present, so I'll come out the forum for now.

Got a couple of days off and then it's the weekend so I won't be back before Monday, see how I feel then and whether I've had the courage to finish this once and for all, my main problem is love and whether I can face hurting my MM. Got a lot of thinking to do.

bess

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bess wrote:

Sorry but I don't feel guilty about the wife, don't even particularly like her

I just have to say, as bess has said this or a variant of this in all of her posts: whether or not you like his wife has NOTHING to do with the question of whether it is acceptable to sleep with someone else's husband. You really believe that morals don't apply to a situation if you don't like the person you're screwing over?

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trfirst wrote:

Just a couple things for all posting on this thread to think about.
After going to counseling myself he has me thinking about actions we as human's take.

1. It is human nature to want instant gratification (not just sex), but isn't it better in the long run to wait 6 or 9 months to step back and let the situation take the steps it needs to for honesty and trust. You know the saying if you let it go and it comes back it was yours if it doesn't come back it never was. But truth is always the best way to go or you have nothing for the future.

2. Take a good look at yourself with some self respect, how much self respect can we have for ourselves if we are getting involved with someone that isn't ours, it is no fun being hidden and feeling like you are only serving the purpose of his or her own gratification. This never builds a healthy relationship for either party. Personally I think a lot of us who end up having an affair with a married person have a form of low self esteem, but if we would only realize this makes it even lower because of the terms that are put on affairs does not build us up to what we deserve.

I do not have all the answers myself just going on my own experiences and things I have been told to understand myself and why I have made the choices I have.

In the book "The Joy Luck Club" and in the movie too (book was better of course, although the movie was really good), one of the characters mother said to her daughter, "You do not know your own worth"

When I first read the book, I completely missed that line. I watched the movie, watched it again at some point, still not seeing it.

Then, a few years later, watched the film again, and that line hit me in the head like a sledge hammer.

The difference? On the reading of the book, and the first 2 viewings, I did not know my own worth.
During those years, I learned.

Self esteem, yes, those 2 words have meaning, but have been so overworked through the decades, they roll off my back, like water off a duck. Sounds so "dr. phil"

But knowing what you are worth, that is different.

Question - again, no condemnation coming, no set up - this thread is going somewhere now.....

What is your worth when you are a mistress? (or whatever the male equiv would be)

comments?

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Chai Tea wrote:

What is your worth when you are a mistress? (or whatever the male equiv would be)

Completely depends on the relationship in question, what your motivations are, et cetera.

Your question may not be a set-up, but it's one that (perhaps subconsciously) already kind of implies its own answer - it's basically like asserting something in the guise of asking a question (there's a fancy term for that). But in reality, there lies no a priori definition of self-worth or lack of it in the mere given of having an affair by itself. You can have an affair with a married person without harming your self-worth a bit - as long as you know what you're in for and made a conscious decision to get from it what you believe is right for you. Or, vice versa, it can drive any self-worth you might have had totally into the ground.

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Just reading with interest, mostly I agree with nimh and ehBeth. I'm trying to remember a term I learned in philosophy class. Something about three categories of ethics; inethical, minimally ethical, and ethical. (That's not quite right.) The idea is that there is a middle ground, something that may not be actively the best possible thing to do but isn't horrible, either.

For example, say that you're in a city with lots of foot traffic like NYC and you see a purse drop to the ground but you can't see who dropped it. Minimally ethical would be to just leave it there, walk past. Inethical would be to grab it, take the money and credit cards, and throw out the rest. Ethical (I know I'm not getting these terms right) would be to grab it and yell at the top of your lungs, "Hey!! Who lost a purse?!!" and dash through the crowd trying to find the owner of it.

I see a single person knowingly having an affair with someone who is married as leaving the purse there on the ground. I see a married person having an affair (with all that implies, secrecy and lack of consent from the married partner, etc.) as the one who takes out all the money and credit cards. In a perfect world, I'd agree that everyone should probably do the "HEY WHO LOST A PURSE???" thing, but I acknowledge that the world is not perfect, and am much more comfortable condemning the one who takes all the money and credit cards than the one who leaves the purse there and walks on by.

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nimh wrote:

Chai Tea wrote:
What is your worth when you are a mistress? (or whatever the male equiv would be)

Completely depends on the relationship in question, what your motivations are, et cetera.

Your question may not be a set-up, but it's one that (perhaps subconsciously) already kind of implies its own answer - it's basically like asserting something in the guise of asking a question (there's a fancy term for that). But in reality, there lies no a priori definition of self-worth or lack of it in the mere given of having an affair by itself. You can have an affair with a married person without harming your self-worth a bit - as long as you know what you're in for and made a conscious decision to get from it what you believe is right for you. Or, vice versa, it can drive any self-worth you might have had totally into the ground.

So, what question would you propose NIMH? I do see what you're saying about the way it's phrased, if I'm getting in the way of myself here, I'll need some help.

Please restate the issue in such a way that it doesn't generate it's own answer.

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I dunno... "Did issues of self-worth play a role in how you became involved with a married person? Did the relationship harm or benefit your sense of self-worth?" ... something like that?

I can say this. I mentioned this other lover I've had - she wasn't ever married and neither was I, but we have gotten together every now and then again through the past X years - and that included times when we each were in a long-time relationship too. Meeting her, and developing this friendship that sometimes spills over into more for so many years has been wonderful, and when I do feel insecure or worth little, I only need to think of her to already feel better. She's in another country, but it's very nice to have each other...

In contrast, the last steady relationship I was in, for three years or so, ended up at some point totally destroying any sense of self-worth I had - drove me over the edge. And it didnt ever involve any cheating on either of our parts.

So, I dunno. Things are just not as schematic as all that, I suppose.

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wow i had this huge tirade about marriage etc, then i realized it had nothing to do with the thread.

to the young lady who met her guy 12 months after he left his wife, i don't consider that an affair. he had already left. he may be reconsidering that decision, but at the time you met him, he had filed for divorce and was already moving on-no harm no foul, you take care of you while he is reevaluating.

to the woman who found true love from a married man, i am glad you found it, you are unfortunately the exception to the rule, but i say good luck because true love is never something to be trivialized.

as far as everything else, i realized, i have never cheated with a married man so all of my thoughts are just that, thoughts, i have no experience with it. but i am interested and intrigued by what everyone has to say. i will not vent on my thoughts about marriage because they aren't pertinent here...what is pertinent are chai's questions...i am all ears...

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good lord nimhy, how many lovers have you had!?

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Chai Tea wrote:

good lord nimhy, how many lovers have you had!?

LOL! Not that many actually ... fewer than most here I'd bet! Razz

They just happened to be complicated, overlapping affairs...

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I saw this on the MSN.com homepage and it made me think of y'all:
I fell for a married man

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nimh wrote:

Chai Tea wrote:
good lord nimhy, how many lovers have you had!?

LOL! Not that many actually ... fewer than most here I'd bet!

They just happened to be complicated, overlapping affairs...

Sometimes, I'll be thinking of something that happened in the past, and all of a sudden I'll think of some man from that time, and say to myself "God, another one I'd forgotten" Laughing

I gotta start keeping a list.

Sanctuary - very interesting.....
I've been uncomfortable with the idea that's been brought up that it's much more the married persons problem than yours, but couldn't express why without sounding condemning.

The article linked says it......What going on with YOU that you choose a person that is not supposed to be on the market......It's like a form of stealing. And where is this leading you on your journey through life.

Picture the person who at some point in their life was the "other woman" or "other man"
later he/she marries, and THEIR spouse is found to be cheating.
That's when the chickens come home to roost.

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Short and Sweet. I was in a very bad marriage for 21 years. I was cheated on, contracted an STD, cancer, then had to have a hystrocetomy then deserted. I prayed for my soul mate daily. I stayed for my children, to be their mother. They now have immeasurable guilt. I have immeasurable guilt. My soul mate found me. He has been going through a very simular situation; cheating wife with children. I am actively divorcing, he is not legally. How many chances do we have to find true love. We are not young adults. We are in our forties. I judge myself more harshly than anyone I know. Anyone who experiences a bad marriage, adultery, and divorce is not going through an easy time. The lesson I've learned is not to judge. That will be left to my "Higher Power."

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those who are capable of true love are honorable enough to leave a situation or marriage when it isnt present.

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Question for those having affairs with Married Person

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