nimh wrote:Hi. I'm a guy and I once had a (brief) affair with a married woman, so I guess I might as well reply - I just love questionnaires ;-).
Affair didnt last long - just a lot of phone conversations and then two trips abroad we made together. Second trip was awkward as I pretty much had already thought the better of it; not because she was married but because I wasnt interested anymore. She was intelligent, very active and great in bed, but that was pretty much it. Didnt stay in touch for long after that, I basically cut it off.
When we first started talking, she'd just cut off another affair, and she hooked up with a guy for fun in between him and me too. She and her husband were in the process of breaking up - they now did, I suppose, cause last I heard she lived halfway across the world from him. They have two kids.
Chai Tea wrote:Legitimate questions:
Do you ever think of this person who is the one married to the man you are having sex with?
Rarely. I did occasionally and found myself speculating on what must all have gone wrong in their relationship to make her so unhappy in it, then decided speculation is senseless. Did ask her some stuff, and from what she told me I could see why she was straying. Not that I judged him, like that he must just not have been a good enough man for her, or that he must have done something wrong; their relationship was messed up so I'm sure they did that together. Thats not where I came in, anyway.
Chai Tea wrote:Do you ever consider or visualize this person as a human being?
Sure. Occasionally wondered how he was doing, probably not too well (but then neither was she). Thinking he'd find someone else soon enough, if he hadnt already, and that he'd definitely be better off doing so.
Chai Tea wrote:Do you even care, or are you going on the supposition that she must be a completely dreadful person, or her husband would not be cheating on her?
No, not going on that supposition (see above). Do think thats a mistake many make, in that you're right, makes things easier I suppose. As for whether I cared, well yes and no I guess. I could imagine him as a person and felt a bit sorry for him, but no I didnt consider it my responsibility to take his well-being into account. If anything that should be his wife's (if not his
own, foremost).
Chai Tea wrote:Do you realize the havoc you are creating for someone else?
N/a. If a wife decides to cheat on her husband (and she'd already pretty much chosen to, or chosen to want to, before we met), that's not havoc
I create, just cause she chooses to do it with me.
Chai Tea wrote:The man you are having sex with is, by the nature of your affair, a liar.
He is lying by commission or ommision to his wife. Why would you think he is not lying to you?
She might well have been. In fact, I know she fudged up a couple of things. Told me at first that in all practical senses they were already divorced, when it later turned out they were still living together, with the kids. Didn't particularly like that, but since I wasn't interested in anything solid/long-term with her anyway I wasn't particularly bothered by it either.
Chai Tea wrote:This man you are having sex with has broken his vows. How can he be a man of honor?
She was a woman with good intentions, trying to do what was right for her and balancing that with doing what was right for the people around her - if failing as often as she succceeded. Thats good enough for any friend of mine.
Chai Tea wrote:This is a serious inquiry - what exactly is your rationalization for committing adultery?
Personal responsibility. Her marriage is not my responsibility; it's hers. If she thinks the right thing for her right now is to cheat, it's not up to me to second-guess her take.
Very interesting - I admire your candor.
Thinking about it, I admit it is true that if a married person decides to be a cheat, for whatever reason, it's going to happen, regardless.
Oh, they may say "I fell in love with this other person" and it might be true. However, they have placed themselves in a position to allow themselves to fall in love. I agree, it is the married persons responsibility.
I am not made of stone, and admit to over the years looking at a man and thinking, WOW. Then you may even add in a a great personality. In those cases, it didn't take much thought for me to say, Whoa! Back away from this! I will not make my husband a cuckold.
It doesn't matter even if the marriage is going through a rocky time. While you're still married you are obligated by that marriage to back away from temptation.
After the marriage ends. Go for it.
I would amend that if the decesion to divorce has already been made, you are living separately, the papers have all been filed, etc. and you are simply waiting for the decree to come though, in other words, it's a done deal. Go ahead and start looking.
However, NIMH, although I respect and to the degree stated above agree with what you say about not being responsible, It seems wrong to be the person who cooperates with the adulterers mindset. It would make me personally feel like I was being used to satisfy their desires. Which actually seem to be cool if you were using them back, expect for the presence of the other spouse.
It's the sneaking, the lying, the breaking of a trust.
Also, I appreciate a males point of view. It, at least on the surface validates my suppositions on the males perspective vs. the female perspective.
Question: This woman, did it seem she was looking for another relationship, or did she just like screwing around?
So although, yes, it is the married person responsibility to "avoid the near temptation of sin" I'm also a believer in "you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas.
Any other rationale opinions/observations out there? (other than the 'oh you're just so perfect, you'll see what it's like one day crap)?
For those that wish to discuss how wronged they feel, I might suggest opening another thread where you can get together to discuss at your leisure.
