Question for those having affairs with Married Person

In response to the question...
Hello All,

I have been very busy and absent for a while, but have been keeping track of this thread for the past week or so - very interesting.

I will entertain the original question... (feel free to judge - I have a very stable ego and am little affected by "judgment" of others :wink: )

First, I must contend that not all of the "other" women are mistresses (I can only speak of women for now). "Mistress" in this context is generally denoted as:

"A woman who has a continuing sexual relationship with a usually married man who is not her husband and from whom she generally receives material support."
(The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language)

The "mistress" is usually perceived as someone in a subordinate position, lacking something (emotionally (e.g. affection), financially, psychologically (e.g., self-esteem), etc.) and looking to receive that which she is lacking from the "master" (in this case the married man). This is exactly why the self-worth/self-esteem issue has come to the forefront of this discussion.

I will present and defend another point of view.

I believe that I will live once (at least that I will be able to recall) and I believe life is the most precious possession I have. I consider it my first and foremost duty - to myself - to live this life fully, to compromise only when it is in the interest of life - first my children's, then mine, then anyone else's. So... in my personal affairs, I am only willing to compromise when my children's lives, or my own life are in danger (literally or figuratively), then I will consider someone else's life/needs.

This philosophy may have evolved from my calling in life - I am a surgeon. When I am at work I put the lives and needs of others above all else in the world - medicine is not a job for me, it is a calling and the life of each patient becomes mine while in my care. So, when I am not working, in my own little corner of this universe, the needs of my children and my own person reign supreme. Also, I see death steal people from this world - so swiftly and unceremoniously, and I cannot help but wonder: "Did this person get the chance to live, to love, to feel, to see, to touch, to hear, to taste the magic and beauty of this world?" Therefore, I try very hard not to have any regrets, any "what-if"s, any "I wonder"s in life.

I had one intimate encounter with a married man (I will not bore you with the details, suffice it to say we knew each other platonically for nearly 10 years before that)... (is it morally reprehensible? - maybe)... and I would have regretted not doing so for the rest of my life. He inspired me - in our brief little "affair" I touched a little piece of magic I had not seen before. Does this mean I am a cold heartless wench who simply takes what she wants? Not by a long stretch of the imagination.... I did not do this on a whim... I did not do this because I was drunk... I did not do this simply because I was a capricious little "b--ch" who just wanted what she saw... I did it after carefully examining my feelings, my desires, my motivations.... I live once - I have touched and been touched by a man I find beautiful (the fact that he is married was not his most important feature to me)...

Do I worry about his wife? The short answer is "no".... Do I care about her as one human about another? Somewhat... She has her own journey and I have mine. I did not lure her husband into my bed, he ran into it of his own free will. Only he and she can figure out why, if they care to know. Sometimes people get married for all the wrong reasons (just as people have affairs for all the wrong reasons), sometimes they do it prematurely, sometimes they do it before having understood who they are or what they need in life, sometimes they do it because they mistake myriad things for love, and sometimes even when people get married for all the right reasons at the right time to the right person... the time and the person change.... Thus, marriages break up. If you ask me, a marriage may be ill or even dead long before an affair has taken place.

As far as the wife's exalted position - I am sorry if this sounds harsh but that idea is a bit "out there" for a number of philosophical, historical and practical reasons. The title, position and responsibility of a mother should indeed be treated as sacrosanct, as they have been throughout history and in all cultures I have studied (albeit very much as an amateur). I am inclined to think that in Chai Tea's world "mother" and "wife" may be coalescing, which in my opinion is quite erroneous and unhealthy.

Thanks for reading this long note…

V.

NOTE: I'm NOT condoning extra-marital affairs but here's my cousin's story.

My cousin is a talented, upcoming, dancer with a troupe of her own..she has a steady boyfriend. She met this man - a famous author.....she got to know him better. She was an admirer of his books and plays (so am i). Initially their relationship was platonic, then they got closer and they have a physical relationship now. They have no commitment - neither of them want one. The wife and bf dont know.

When I asked, my cousin said she is no competition to the wife..the wife is a wonderful lady, she said. My cousin and she are "friends"...My cousin would be horrified if the author and his wife broke up or anything.

When i persisted, with my cousin, she said his company in every way is "inspiring"...Inspite of myself - i find her relationship with this man quite beautiful in one way - but..but..it's wrong.

I agree...In her place, i'd be tempted. But I wouldn't do it. His wife's face would haunt me too much...

(I've changed some small details in the story so that their identities do not become obvious...)

Single guy seeing a married woman ... have a question ...
Hey,
I am currently seeing a woman who is in the 'process of seperation.'
i morally feel like i am doing something i souldn't, but she and her husband have been finished with thier relationship for over a year.
they will be signing seperation papers soon, and i have told her that it will be quite some-time before i will allow her to bring her children around (this is NOT because i'm afraid of her bringing them around .. i just don't want to cause any confusion for the children).
I must ask ... am i doing something i shouldn't?
We both are happy when with each other, but i still feel wrong (sometimes ) when i'm with her.
Let me know your feelings on this and help me make my mind up ... should i tell her to wait until everything legally has been completed, or do we continue as we have been for the last few months?
J

My take on this. Some valid opinions and points have been made. As I have posted on here before, I am married to a man who has committed "adultery", commandment 7 in the bible under Exodus chapter 20. He also has a child with her. Now granted no marriage is perfect, we make mistakes, the problem with mine however was, I became very sick and totally dependent on him, while going through my illness. This was a difficult time on a new marriage and having an infant. He could not handle it and moved out. As time went by, I became stronger and we would talk and have family dinners together, what I did not realize is he did not want to come home, he was always working. Clue # 1, I did not even see it. He had one affair while we were living together, I busted him when I found emails from her, he became involved with another online affair and she moved out here and they are together engaged, we are still married, not legally separated, now going through divorce, he has a child with her and is raising her son, that she had with a married man 16 yrs ago...life is never dull, keeps on changing. As I have learned that she knew about me, I have no idea what he has told her, I have often called her names silently, but ask for god's forgiveness, because I hurt and our son hurts, because is father/my husband goes home to her, his son and step son to be. He hardly spends anytime with our son, but makes every effort to spend time with his other family. In one way, I feel sorry for her, since she probably does not know the truth of why he left me and his only son at the time at 2 1/2 yrs. Yes I hate her, I feel sorry for the children to have parents who apparently think of only themselves instead of setting a good example about relationships. It boils down to having morals. To any man or woman who has posted, please do not be offended by what I say. I am just stating the obvious and have very strong beliefs. Sometimes, these spouses leave and sometimes I think they quite really don't know why...there appears to be confusion. I know for myself, I have my son, God, family, friends and I continue to become stronger as every day goes by. My other opinion is man or woman who commits adultery and believes that they love the person they are having the affair with is only in lust and the relationship won't last forever. Granted, there have been some cases where it has worked out, but the majority rules. Blessed are the ones it worked out for , more blessings for the innocent wife or husband and innocent children who never expected to have their lives ripped apart. I married for life, so did he...but to look at him today and seeing with my own eyes the misery and his beliefs today, compared to a few years ago, blows my mind, but with God I realize that my faithfulness will remain strong and be more strong as time goes through a divorce. I had hope, I trusted in God, and some could say...why....because ultimately God is in control and there is a reason why this is happening. Maybe, back then there were signs and I just did not see them, being young and naive. I pray for anyone on this board who has experiened adultry whether directly or indirectly. It has an impact on everyone involved. May God Bless You All

LostYankee,

Follow your heart and your morals. The feeling you have is telling you to take time. These children are going to be asking many questions. My son does and he is at the pivotal age of 10 1/2 yrs. I agree with the fact about waiting. Give them time, her time and yourself time to discover yourselves and what you all want out of life. Your friend needs to concentrate on her children. They are innoncent and hurting. It is quite refreshing in this present day and time, to see there are still people with morals.

God Bless You.

To everyone on this board: I do hope that you don't find me "too judgemental", because of my experience. I just wanted to share what has happened, and reading these posts helps me to see and feel for others who have experienced pain directly or indirectly because of adultry. All we can do is pick up the pieces again, concentrate on our individual healing, helping our children to grow through this so when they become adults, they will stay the road of morals and when temptation arises, to turn to God, or whoever people choose to turn to for help. We need to work together as a nation to bring about teaching morals. It seems to me, and this is my opinion...that this world is rapidly losing morality. Families are destoyed and this is not how God has designed it. (My belief). We all need to stand up for the Family and Fight for what is right.

God Bless You All,

In my personal experience, as a married woman having an affair with a married man, it is definately a dreadful reality in the back of my mind. I think that it would hurt her deeply as it would my husband to find we were being unfaithful. Honestly, it does make it easier to visualize her as being a gold digger, ungrateful, and unsupportive. We supported each other as friends through our similar marital problems for a long time before romantic feelings happened. To answer your question, it is very troubling, and personally I do feel for her as a fellow wife, a fellow human. Sometimes I suppose we do irrational things when we listen to our hearts.

yes is might be a comon thing for men to have affairs, but what about all us women that get forgotten about? my husband stoped sleeping with me for no good reason and he was and is deffinatly not having an affair, so our marriage fell appart emotionally and I went and had affairs. there have been alot of stories of late in my circle where the women has been the one to break the vows, due to the man being so run down by preassure to work, please his wife, keep the kids happy, ect ect. and all of this contributes to a person be it male or female feeling preasured to the point of collapse, hence the other party feels rejected and goes looking else where for the love and companionship they long for. oh its such a perfect world we live in is'nt. it has been 3 years since I have slept with my husband. what am I supose to do. im only 35 and this is supose to be my sexual peek. yeahhh right what a joke. any way im still seeing somone but we dont have sex. but I still call that an affair.

What are you supposed to do, you ask? Get counselling. Talk to him. Leave him. Having affairs is not the solution - it's pretty sad, actually. There's a reason he doesn't want to get intimate - find out what it is and work on that.

sajerox,

You aren't the only one going through the misery you are experiencing...your husband is experiencing the same misery...but he isn't cheating.

Hmm...

What does that say about his values?

What does that say about yours?

No matter how bad things get, if your marriage is your number 1 priority, cheating will never be an option.

Where's your priority?

Thats were I have been for 30 years, married at 16, now being divorced and having an affair with a man whos marriage died 10 years ago. I know its not the perfect way to go about things but I believe we will be happy forever together. He is leaving his wife to be with me. I just want to make him happy for all of eternity. I was married to a very moody man and nothing I did ever made him happy. x

nothing wrong with a good whore!!

Don't let them grind you down xx I for one hope you both live a long and happy life. xxx

Wow I haven't heard THAT line before!

There's another old line...why buy the cow when the milk's free?

This guy is getting laid by 2 women...you just bought the "story" that he isn't getting any at home.

In a more general sense, we all have an achilles heel, a weak spot. so I wouldn't say helpless so much as they have not learned to rein in their impulses or weaknesses. This covers everything, from drugs, drinking, smoking, adultery.


And most of us have been in a place where we're struggling with something that does require some working through, in other words, a non-judgemental approach is enough of a push to let that person get to the core of the problem.

On the same note, I just don't think a majority of the population is outfitted to be monogamous. I think people marry for the wrong reasons, get bored and have affairs in order to stay in the marriage. Affairs happen all the time. Does that make them right,? No. nonetheless, they happen all the time.

This is the best you can do? Declaring a philanderer a whore, ie the onus is on the woman? I guess you haven't recovered from the shower curtain incident. In my estimation, an argument over a shower curtain will eventually lead to cheating. Be on your guard.

This is a VERY complicated issue. Each person has his/her own story and take on the situation. There is her side, his side, and then the truth.

When we are not happy with ourself, we will fill that void somehow. Getting our needs met, without being tempered with restraint, can result in settling for something not really the best thing for us.

There is her side, his side, period.

Truth doesn't exist.

It supposes an impartial observer and I ask: Who can it be?

Basically, an affair is a result of unhappy marriage. You should look into the problems instead of blaming on the result.

If a husband is not happy in his marriage. An affair will happen because he wants to.

It's unuseful to blame on that woman, yes. She's a dumb idiot that's why she fools around with a married man.

4. Married women who have affairs TEND to wish to leave their marriage and hookup with someone else for another monogomous relationship which will give her the love she feels she is lacking now.

Very old thread - But so true and so pertinent today. I've seen it happen again and again with my married girlfriends and myself as well.