@Eliusa,
Quote:All I want to do is have that talk with my flame he is asking for. I am dying to know what is that he wants to say. Maybe he just wants to say we need to be friends or whatever...Is it a bad idea?
Is it a bad idea? Eliusa, it's a terrible idea, because, face it, you don't want to hear him just say, "We need to just be friends." I don't think you're being fully honest.
If that's all he has to say, why couldn't he just text you that? Or say it to you in some private corner when he sees you at work? Does he really need a private meeting with you, even in a public place outside of work, just to tell you he wants the relationship not to move beyond where it's currently at?
His wanting to have that "talk" with you, and you wanting to have it too, will move the relationship beyond where it's at, and, honestly, that seems like an awful idea, and one you're not thinking through very realistically. If you don't wind up damaging your own marriage, this can wind up damaging his, and unless you are both prepared for that, you should let well enough be. And since you and your husband and this man all work in the same business, that area of your life can be disrupted and damaged as well if this relationship moves any further.
I know what you're feeling, and the life transforming effect such feelings can have--that flame has made you feel more alive again, younger, more desirable, life has become more thrilling, exciting, less predictable, there's something to look forward to and fantasize about--it's like beautiful warm sunlight has suddenly flooded into a dim dank room whose windows have been boarded up. It's a wonderful feeling. Just enjoy it, but don't act on it.
Do you really want to risk your marriage over what, right now, is just a crush/infatuation/chemical reaction for this person? It's not love, it's more like what you feel when that gorgeous boy in high school or college, you've had your eye on for years, suddenly smiles at you, and lets you know he's interested. Don't you remember those butterflies, how different the world suddenly looked when you saw him or thought about him? But, flash forward 30 or 35 years, when you're not free to get involved with the person who arouses those great feelings, and accepting a coffee date to just have "a talk" can wind up destroying a marriage you've taken 20 years to build, and hurting a husband you seem to like, over something that can turn out to be much worse than a disappointing date in high school.
I'm not thinking about your situation in terms of sin or morality, or even cheating. I'm not sure you should either. I think you've got to figure out what you want, really want, for the long-term, and get your priorities straight. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, and whatever you plan on gambling, you've got to be prepared to lose, and right now you are risking a great deal, and you might not ever get it back. Flames are nice, they can be beautiful to look at, but when you play with fire, you can get seriously burned.
Why haven't you addressed the sexual problems in your marriage before this? That's really what you should be doing and should have been doing----and not just with your husband, but with a doctor. You describe a very good marriage, except for the lack of sex, and apparently in the past, you and your husband did have a more satisfying sexual relationship, so something changed. There are many reasons for diminished libido and sexual dysfunction, particularly in middle-aged men, and you and your husband have to first start by eliminating those that could be due to medical conditions or medications. Then you need to discuss with a doctor whether hubby is an appropriate candidate for erectile dysfunction drugs, like Viagra or Cialis. And you should also consider a few sessions with a sex therapist for suggestions on how to address the problem in a non-medication approach.
Obviously, your husband has to be willing and cooperative to do all of the above, and I think you have to be firm with him that he's got to do it, if he really cares about you and your marriage. If he refuses, tell him the two of you must see a marriage counselor because there is a problem in the marriage he doesn't want to address. If he refuses that too, go see a therapist on your own, and work out in your own mind if divorce is your best option, or whether you can live in a sexless marriage and satisfy yourself with vibrators or in other ways, including extra-marital liasons.
But, if you have any interest in saving a basically good marriage, and any interest in your husband's health and well being, you'll insist he go to a doctor with you to address the sexual problems. And that should be your first order of business rather than having that "talk" with flame-man.
And knock off the Xanax you are taking, you're playing with fire with that too--it's a very addictive drug, and, because withdrawal symptoms are similar to anxiety, people often start increasing their dose and the addiction creeps up on them insidiously. If you can't contain your anxiety about your current situation, without using Xanax, you go see a therapist
now before you wind up with even more problems.
My advice is to get your husband to a doctor, maybe yourself to a therapist, and just enjoy the positive feelings that flame is giving you without moving that relationship forward even a micro-inch beyond where it's at now, and don't let flame-man move it forward either. At the moment, it's still all in the realm of safe fantasy--for both of you. Fantasies are great. They are under your control, if you want them to be, and are harmless, and they're not going to disappoint you or upend your life--right now, enjoy the fantasy, and leave it at the level of fantasy. And consider buying and using a vibrator until the sexual frustrations in your marital life get worked out.
And, forget about sin or cheating, and just think all of this through rationally, or as rationally as you can.
