Men and Vasectomies

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Dear All,

Hi - my apologies for being such a transient visitor. I've been trying to keep up to date with the posts here but have been engrossed in my studies. Yes, for those of you who encouraged me to stick with my Masters - thank you. I did. What's more, I'm loving it and just can't stop writing - it's keeping me engaged and interested in life.

However ... I am in need of thoughts on the subject of men and vasectomies ... that is, if I were to as ask my husband if he'd consider having a vasectomy and he instantly said "NO WAY!" - do you think I have he right to be a little bit miffed about that?

We're both over 40 and decided 3 yrs ago not to have children. We love them, but bambinos are just not our thing. I've been taking care of contraception since we got together. I was happy to do this until it went awry in the last few days. Now, I'm looking for alternatives. The pill and I don't mix; neither does anything I've tried over the years. To me, the obvious suggestion was to ask my husband if he would consider the chop.

I was really taken aback by his sudden knee jerk answer. I said that I'm getting sick of pumping my body full of chemicals to inhibit pregnancy. I feel that as neither of us want children then the risk AND the prevention should be shared 50/50. Not just all me. Sure - not just all him too - but man. Where do I draw the line here?

Sure, it's fun to have sex but god forbid that my guy might have to actually do anything radical to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. Geeze - I've been altering my body radically (chemically) for 24 years. It feels to me that it's his turn. I want to get off all this crap so my body can get back to normal.

Ladies and gents - do you think I was unreasonable in asking him to consider a vasectomy? If so - what should I suggest to him instead? Or is there some other route I can take for myself that I haven't thought of?

All ideas welcome Smile

Thank you so much. Looking forward to hearing from you and thanx so much for reading my rant Smile

best,
jazzie

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I dont think you were unreasonable to ask him to have a vasectomy but I think as we all know men only want that area to be treated nicely and I can understand it if a guy doesnt want to have that area operated on.

How about you have a hysterectomy?

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I don't think it was unreasonable!

My instant reaction to his answer would be to tell him, that in whichever way he chooses to do this, contraception was now his responsibility for the next 20 years.

Maybe a bit drastic, but it annoys me when men think it is always the woman's problem/responsibility.

I was thinking about a hysterectomy myself, since after having one baby, my husband and I decided that was enough.
For me the risks of it were the main reason why I decided against it.
So I could understand that a man also declines a vasectomy, but I would expect him to think about future contraception nonetheless...

So YES, I can understand why you'd be taken aback.

But have you talked about this any further?
Yelling at him that you are fed up stuffing yourself with chemicals is probably not going to get you the desired effect!

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Re: Men and Vasectomies

jazzieB123 wrote:

Dear All,

....We're both over 40 ...All ideas welcome Thank you so much. Looking forward to hearing from you and thanx so much for reading my rant

best,
jazzie

jazzie, your MD might be telling you to get off the pill or any other hormonal contraception by now anyway, for reasons of menopause. While the chances of conception are lower, it's not impossible (hence all of the babies born to women in their 40s). So you might want to point that out.

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Give him a packet of condoms and tell him to get used to them. It might change his tune.

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jazzieB123- Please don't even consider a hysterectomy. It is a major operation, fraught with potential dangers. A vasectomy is a minor procedure.

I agree with those who think that it is your husband's turn to take some responsibility. I know that men are queasy about fooling around with their gonads, but you have shouldered the responsibility for much too long.

It is not healthy for you to be on birth control pills for 24 years. Explain to him, that you are worried about the possible adverse side effects that there are from birth control pills, especially for women your age. Then, gently, broach the subject of a vasectomy. Let him verbalize his feelings.
Ask pointed questions, and explore the reasons why he is averse to the idea.

Then, if he again refuses to consider it, hand him a copy of Lysistrata!

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Quote:

Ladies and gents - do you think I was unreasonable in asking him to consider a vasectomy?

First of all, a vascetomy is a reversible procedure, which does not affect a man's sexual ability. So, if your husband has the procedure and sometime in the future the two of you decide you want children, his vascetomy can be revesed.

However, you should be aware that in some cases, the vascetomy becomes "leaky" and as a result you stand the chance of a pregnancy, at a time when you think you and your husband are practicing birthcontrol.

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material girl wrote:

How about you have a hysterectomy?

No MD (GYN) in the U.S. will perform a hysterectomy on a healthy woman. Prior to any surgical procedure, there must be a valid medical reason for having the procedure and there's no valid medical or even ethical reason for you to have a hysterectomy.

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Like everyone else, I don't see this as unreasonable at all.

Why the knee jerk reaction?

I would do exactly what Wilso suggested.

Hand him some condoms and let him know that unless one is properly put on, there will be no vaginal intercourse.

I'd like to be a fly on the wall to see his knee jerk reaction to that.

However, you've given him a choice....vasectomy or condoms, take your pick.

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I'd suggest you raise the issue again in a few days. Not in a demanding way but more of just a general discussion. A hint here and there.

That may give him some time to mull it over as a nonconfrontational issue and he just might come to the realization that it is the sensible solution. A quick discussion with any other guys he knows and he'll figure out that it is a fairly easy process and not nearly as intimidating as it sounds at first.

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Jazzie, I think your husband's knee jerk reaction was not so bad...obviously it is not something that he ever considered and it is a shocking thought. Now I'm sure he'll be thinking about it and may reconsider. Don't try to pressure him, let him make the decision on his own...but in the meantime switching to condoms as others have suggested is definitely a good way to passively remind him constantly to reconsider!

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Heh, I think this just goes to show how it's accepted that women are supposed to be the ones to pretty much always have something done to their bodies. Oh, we may talk a good game, but reverse this situation.

Trying to imagine a man saying "my wife had such a knee jerk reaction when I suggested she have a tubal ligation. She just said "NO!" I could tell she had never given any thought to this before, and she said this without thinking and considering.

You know, it's just so ridiculous when you think about it. A man gets all queasy and bent out of shape about a tiny incision made to the area to the side of the scrotum, not even ON the scrotum for Christs sake, and has a little tube pulled out a centimeter or so and sniped.

Frankly, you rarely hear a woman complaining about the fact she had to have a piece of plastic or copper shoved up her vagina and through the tiny hole of her cervix. Then that copper or wire gets to scrap around her uterus day in and day out. The cramping and heavy bleeding isn't bad at all.

Oh yeah, and what's the sense of mentioning what it's like to lie on an exam table and get fit for a diaphragm. It's lovely having someone cram about a half a dozen rubber disks up your vagina, trying to find one that fits properly over your cervix. "How's this one feel"?.....Oh great, maybe a little tight, could you put your hand up inside me with a few more before I make up my mind? Yeah, and it's wonderful learning to place it properly yourself, then leaving this foreign object up inside yourself for a hours afterwards. Don't worry though, it's not too messy and disgusting when you take it out, I mean, you men don't have to see it then.

Gosh, and there's more, cervical rings, cervical caps, female condoms, norplant. Or, we could let someone cut through out navel or abdomen or go up through our vaginas and cervix again to snip or cut out any body parts that make babies.

I swear, women are just so selfish suggesting the man get a local anesthetic and a little cut.

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Chai wrote:

Trying to imagine a man saying "my wife had such a knee jerk reaction when I suggested she have a tubal ligation. She just said "NO!" I could tell she had never given any thought to this before, and she said this without thinking and considering.

I bet that's a pretty common response...after all when Jazzie thought about going off the drugs her thought was for her husband to get the surgery done and not herself.

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I'm confused about why hysterectomy is even mentioned. Ever heard of tubal ligation?

Not that I think that is what Jazzie should do. I do think it is his turn. As far as reversibility, I don't know statistics on that vs. tubal ligation (if that is reversible), but I assume the procedure to reverse the vasectomy is a very much easier surgical procedure.

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Yeah, I was going to say the same, Osso. I think material girl may have been confused about the terminology. Hysterectomy is WAY more radical than a vasectomy, while a tubal ligation ("getting your tubes tied") is more analagous.

I think fishin' has a good point that a knee-jerk response is a knee-jerk response. Just because that's his initial reaction doesn't mean he won't come around if given some time.

By the way it doesn't seem to be established yet whether long-term birth control pill usage is bad. It seems like it might even have some benefits. Studies kinda go this way and that. I've been on the pill almost continuously for about 20 years, myself, so have been paying close attention.

That's just responding to what Phoenix had to say; if the pill disagrees with you, Jazzie, that's a separate issue.

Basically, I think it makes a lot of sense for your husband to have a vasectomy in that situation, but I agree with fishin that if your goal is to get him to do it, a low-pressure conversational approach is more likely to work than something more confrontational.

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stuh505 wrote:

Chai wrote:
Trying to imagine a man saying "my wife had such a knee jerk reaction when I suggested she have a tubal ligation. She just said "NO!" I could tell she had never given any thought to this before, and she said this without thinking and considering.

I bet that's a pretty common response...after all when Jazzie thought about going off the drugs her thought was for her husband to get the surgery done and not herself.

That's because common sense tells you that vasectomies are a whole lot easier, less expensive and less risk than a vasectomy.

For years it's just been assumed the woman would go ahead and "get her tubes tied" because the poor man couldn't deal with a snip snip.

For our entire reproductive lives, and beyond, women get poked, prodded, looked up into, scraped, body parts smashed in a vice, probes stuck up us and more. I hardly think it a knee jerk reaction to suggest the male take this little step toward responsibility of his own reproductive system.

I've never heard of anyone dying during a vasectomy. I had a coworker/friend die on the table of a doctors office when he sliced her abdominal aorta and she bled out in literally seconds. Never woke up.

She went in because her husband could stand the thought of being cut down there.

Jazzie has been taking BC drugs and is over 40, apparantly taking them for some time. I'm pretty sure she didn't wake up one morning and say "I decided to stop, I just thought of it this very second"! This has been on her mind for a while, she has a daily reminder. In the meantime, Mr. Jazzie has probably (and I say probably) never given doing his part a thought beyond "Hell no, no one's touching my jewels"!

Stuh, no offense, but I've probably had more invasive **** done to my lady parts in the past year than you have had done to you boys in your entire life.

Give Jazzie a break.

I would have thought that by this day and age men would be a little more enlightened about their part in all this.

I know Vickys husband wishes he had gone in to get cut rather than what happened. He was left with a 4 year old child (who never saw his mother again after she went to work that day)

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Yeh, I failed to mention the original tubal ligation is a whole bigger deal than the vasectomy surgery-wise.

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Chai, I agree with you that it makes more sense for the man to have the operation done. I believe that was implicit in my response to Jazzie. However you do not have to undermine the male surgery just because it is not as bad as the female counterpart. The only thing I said was that it is a sensitive issue for men and she should not be surprised that his initial reaction would be negative...just as any woman's initial reaction would also be negative. That does not mean he won't change his mind. All I'm saying is that a little sensitivity is required here. It is not in Jazzie's best interests to try to pressure him into it, which is why I am echoing the opinion of others in that she should just switch over to condoms and see if that provides enough passive encouragement for him to change his mind, at least get him thinking about it.

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I didn't undermine the surgery stuh....I am saying it is the way to go, makes more medical sense, is cheaper and all around a better choice for someone who wants no children.

Sensitive issue for men? Yeah, way OVER sensitive, time to come out of the dark ages gentlemen.

"just as any womans initial reaction would be negative"? stuh, my post was all about was how the woman for so long as naturally assumed it's her lot in life to get "fixed" because the man is "so sensitive" about this.

Women, as I've said, are just so much more used to having their body parts handled and scrutinized, there honestly wouldn't be nearly as negative a reaction as you think. It's more like "great, one more damn thing I've got to do because I'm the one with the vagina." It seems every time we turn around someone is telling us to hop up on the table so we can spread our legs and let someone fool around down there.

Jesus, even when a woman is having a baby by C-section, it's like "as long as you're in there, and have put this great incision in my body and pulled something that weighs 8 pounds out of me, why don't you just do some more cutting and fix me up so my sensitive husband won't have to deal with taking his pants down during his lunch hour."

Of COURSE jazzie isn't going to go in and hit her husband over the head with a frying pan and tell him "vasectomy or forget it" After all these years it's just Sooooo tiresome having to listen to the plight of the sensitive man and his poor vas deferens. If men had to carry a baby inside them vasectomies would be given free after the age of 30, and men would be lined up around the block.

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Not your best advice Laughing

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Men and Vasectomies

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