uhoh.
Sofia - and a damned fine agendum it was, too.
Craven de Kere wrote:I detect that there is simply not enough fear of me hereabouts.
Please find it within you to fear my potence.
My believers are under divine instruction to question those who do not find my godliness to be self-evident. Please ask the disbelievers for conclusive evidence!
What if you are ticklish?
snood wrote:
May you lead an interesting life.
I grant you three exemptions to that whole firstborn thing. You can now have up to three firstborn scions without fear of any vengeful urge I fall under.
May thy loins be prosperous.
Holy Hannah! Its true, and its on Time.com!!!!!!
Quote:CHRIST ANNOUNCES HIRING OF ASSOCIATE CHRIST
JERUSALEM?- Overwhelmed by a constant deluge of prayers and appeals for salvation, Jesus Christ announced Monday the hiring of IT supremo Craven de Vere as Associate Christ.
Above: Jesus Christ, swamped by requests for guidance and divine forgiveness, hired 38-year-old Craven de Vere (far left) as the first-ever Assistant Savior.
"I've been in need of an Assistant Savior for a long time now, and I'm thrilled to finally have one," Christ told reporters at a press conference aired on the Trinity Broadcasting Network. "Craven is an experienced guy who will really help ease my workload."
With the hiring, effective June 1, Christians seeking spiritual aid or guidance will be able to pray to either Jesus or Craven.
"This is an extremely exciting opportunity for me, and I look forward to hearing your prayers," Craven de Vere said. "To the millions of Christians around the world, I just want you to know that I am here for you, should you wander down the wrong path. If Jesus happens to be busy, please feel free to turn to me in your darkest hour."
"You can expect the same great service from me that you've always gotten from Jesus".
Jesus said He chose Craven de Vere for the Assistant Christ position because of his considerable experience in dealing with the public. In addition to his six-year stint as customer-service supervisor with the Tacoma-based Consolidated Coolers, the nation's third-largest manufacturer of coolers and thermoses, Craven worked for nine years as a human-resources manager with Sears.
Though some observers have questioned whether de Vere will be able to absolve Christians of earthly wrongdoings, having never died on the cross for humanity's sins, Christ dismisses such claims, saying that he has "complete faith in Craven."
"Whatever you wish to say unto me, you can say unto Craven de Vere," Christ said. "I am 100 percent confident that Dean is fully capable of bathing you in the healing light of forgiveness and salvation. Turn to Dean, and you shall not go astray."
From now on, Jesus advised Christians to address prayers to, "Our Lord or His Associate," "Jesus or Craven," or "Jesus or anyone acting in His employ."
Monday's hiring has led many Catholic Church insiders to speculate that, once Christ retires, de Vere will become the One True Savior and Son of God.
"After nearly 2,000 years of flock-leading, Christ appears to be getting tired," said Cardinal John O'Connor of New York. "I strongly suspect that Craven is being groomed as his successor."
Lending credence to such suspicions is a new book of the Holy Bible, which details Smoler's newfound authority and divinity. The book, tentatively titled, "The First Letter Of CdV To Mankind," will be included in the updated 1999 Bible.
The hiring as the first-ever vice-Christ is being well-received by Christians.
"If Jesus says it's okay to pray to Craven, then it's all right by me," said Grand Rapids, MI, resident John Bouton.
"I accept Craven de Vere in my heart and will pray to Him daily for eternal salvation," Beatrice Moorehead of Montgomery, AL, said. "Jesus and de Vere are Lord."
That's a CURSE, doofus!
(What Snood said is, I mean - well, it is "May you live in interesting times" - but it is close enough!)
Here's the evidence:
But it cannot be seen by a human eye, only the dogs can see it, so only the dogs shall know the truth :wink:
I was worried he was going to detect that 'lack of fear' thingie.
Was also worried about him coming to the conclusion he was god.
Now, he'll really be pissed at the typo in his job announcement. Craven de Vere...
You MAY doubt, oh tiny sock-heathen, but yeah the scales have fallen from mine eyes and I have WITNESSED the glory that IS THE ONE!!
Link! Link! I demand a link!
Stillwater seems like a true believer. Let him offer the sacrifice!
<the crowd chants: Still-water, Still-water, Still-water...>
I was just doing my first miracle of making beer turn into urine. But I am back and feelong mighty potent.
Mr Stillwater is a prophet among men. May he sit next to my father in heaven (yo, placid, don't let him eat chili).
I am aware of this no fear thing. I'm cooking up a thunderous plague!
Psst, yes deb, it is an insult. But so be prosperous loins.
hmmm- god as a mildly entertaining drunk - there's an off-off-off broadway masterpiece there...
i've done the beer to urine thing many, many, times.
pueo,
Hey, don't steal my act! I also do the "open a fridge door and turn a little light on AT THE SAME TIME trick!".
He claims powers as great as the lord! There'll be a killin'.
Er, why are prosperous loins an insult?
Hmmm - looks like little Cousin Emma has proved him mortal!
Kill the wab-bit!
Kill the wab-bit!
Sofia,
Thanks for pointing out the blasphemy. May thy loins be everlasting.
