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I demand a shrubbery!

 
 
Reply Sun 6 Jul, 2003 11:31 pm
Recently it has been come to my attention that I am a diety.

Now don't get me wrong, it came as a surprise to me. I was operating under the asumption that I was human. I had human fallacies in heaps and loads and while they did not necessarily preclude that I am a god they did seem to point in the direction of me being human.

Turns out I had the whole thing ass backwards, I was reading too much into the whole erring-as-a-human thing. As luck would have it those foibles are really just eccentricities inherent to such a potent diety of my magnitude.

So when some of my arch-angels (they can't be seen and felt but myself and a few others down at the local watering hole are willing to testify that they speak to us with alarming regularity) sat me down for a pow-wow and told me all about how I had actually created this human race I thought I was a part of you can imagine my incredulity. I was flabbergasted!

Anywho, there are of course doubters as the great keg predicted there would be. Some doubt my diety and consider my flatulence and other bodily functions indicative of me having a human body. I just look them in the eye and say, "Yea, verily I doth look like I haveth a human body", this goes down well with the local yokels, even though my "godspeak" is kinda rusty.

I go on to tell them that I do indeed inhabit a human body, "the better to interact with humans" I say. I get a couple of odd glances when people nitice I dropped the "godpeak". A couple went so far as to say that my slurred speech suggested a less godlike cause to my newfound diety.

I am quick to point out that even though I am drunk and have been prone to odd proclamations about my existence (the absoute worst was when I declared I was a barstool, i have always regreted that one) my drunkeness is simply indicative of my penchant to enjoy sin for a season. I'm just enjoying this wonderful human body I created. It is in NO WAY conclusive proof that I am not a god in a human body interacting with mortals.

I know there are doubters out there. Please refrain from doubt. If you do not belive in my sheer bigness you should at least keep an open mind about the issue.

Because like I said, there is no conclusive evidence that I am not a god. Trapped in this pitiful human body....

To my believers: I demand a shrubbery!
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Type: Discussion • Score: 3 • Views: 15,435 • Replies: 349
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dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Jul, 2003 11:38 pm
neep.
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Jul, 2003 11:40 pm
Oughtn't a god to be able to spell itself?

I keep thinking you have something to do with a wellness spa....don't mean nothin' by it, your godliness, just askin' loike...
0 Replies
 
Craven de Kere
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Jul, 2003 11:44 pm
I have decided to walk among men. I suffer human sufferings liek anyone else. This is my cross to bear and is also the reason I cannot type or spell worth a damn (I'm allowed to say that, because not believing in me is eternal damnation).
0 Replies
 
Craven de Kere
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Jul, 2003 11:45 pm
tomorrow we shall speak of a tithe. I am sure everyone here wants a nice place when they go to my father's house.

Bad Bunny behavior is being noted in the book of life.
0 Replies
 
Mr Stillwater
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Jul, 2003 11:51 pm
Sounds like too much of that JOLT Cola again.
0 Replies
 
Craven de Kere
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Jul, 2003 11:52 pm
I still really think you should bow down and worship me. And get rid of that shabby creation of yours while you're at it.

I will have no other gods!
0 Replies
 
Sofia
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Jul, 2003 11:54 pm
Someone get a topiary.
0 Replies
 
Craven de Kere
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Jul, 2003 11:55 pm
Make an offering unto me. First born usually does the trick.
0 Replies
 
Sofia
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Jul, 2003 11:58 pm
What about the pristine white, fluffiness of a virgin rabbit? May smell smoky...

What if the perfect white bunny has been around the block a few times? Still OK?
0 Replies
 
Sofia
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Jul, 2003 11:58 pm
Do you require a burnt offering?
We could grill it.
0 Replies
 
Craven de Kere
 
  1  
Reply Sun 6 Jul, 2003 11:59 pm
I really had my heart set on the first born sacrifice thing, I mean I even dropped the part of it ebing a son for the gender-equality issues I've been getting flak for..
0 Replies
 
snood
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Jul, 2003 12:00 am
I got your tithe right here.
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Jul, 2003 12:01 am
I am an immaculate conception!

Smoke indeed - 'tis INCENSE!

Offered to me, of course - is that incensism?
0 Replies
 
Sofia
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Jul, 2003 12:01 am
OK, sorry. I had an agenda.
0 Replies
 
Craven de Kere
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Jul, 2003 12:02 am
Please give it to my nearest local respresentative. They are certified affiliates and speak in my name. Go in peace and may the proverbial fleas never find thee.
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Jul, 2003 12:02 am
Get a topiarist! I love it!
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Jul, 2003 12:03 am
Sofia - I think your deeds are being noted!!!!!
0 Replies
 
snood
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Jul, 2003 12:03 am
Craven de Kere wrote:
Please give it to my nearest local respresentative. They are certified affiliates and speak in my name. Go in peace and may the proverbial fleas never find thee.


May you lead an interesting life.
0 Replies
 
Craven de Kere
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Jul, 2003 12:04 am
I detect that there is simply not enough fear of me hereabouts.

Please find it within you to fear my potence.

My believers are under divine instruction to question those who do not find my godliness to be self-evident. Please ask the disbelievers for conclusive evidence!
0 Replies
 
 

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