confused - is it still marraige or just comfort

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I used to think that my relationship with my husband would never change and that we would always be in love each other. I believe we do love each other (and probably always will) but have managed to fall out of love with each other for many different reasons. He was the one person that I thought I could always depend on. Until one day I found out he was talking to another woman. What a devastation!!!! I never in a million years thought that, that would be me, the one that has being cheated on. We always had our differences but I always thought that we had a strong relationship and would be able to work out anything that came our way together and stay strong. I guess things change? We have tried to work on salvaging our relationship together. But I am now feeling very insecure and always doubting if I am in a relationship with a man who wants to be with me or a man who just feals obligated to me and to my kids. We have talked over and over again about the same ol thing. I'm at the point of giving up. I know I love him but am not sure if he is in love with me. He has made some changes to be a better husband and father. But being a better man does not mean he is still in love with me. I am always questioning his love and I am tired of not feeling we are in love with each other. I want things to work out between us but feel I am the only one putting out the effort when come to our relationship. My senses tell me to let go but my heart just can't do it. Alot of times I find myself blaming myself for his actions. But then again, is it too much to ask for him to reassure me when I am insecure. He can't even make love to me anymore because the can't seem to be firm if you know what I mean. He claims it's because I pressure him mentally. That he still loves me and wants to be with me. But he didn't even say Happy Valentines Day Until I did. Am I looking for something that isn't their anymore. Maybe I'm just not ready to accept that it is over. I feal in my heart we are thru but just can't accept it. Why is that. CONFUSED!!!!!! I know no one could make a decision for me except me. But I could use all the advise I could get.

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Huh, Talking? He was talking to another woman?

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WERE YOU QUESTIONING WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

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I think she's not sure what the problem is. I know I'm not.

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Please don't yell.

You left out details.
How long have you been married?
How long have you been "out of love"?

And, yes, What do you mean by...
"Until one day I found out he was talking to another woman. What a devastation!!!! I never in a million years thought that, that would be me, the one that has being cheated on."

Talking is not cheating.

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Another distinction -- not being "in love" (butterflies, swoons, daydreaming, doodling his/her name in notebooks) and not having sex. Many times when people are talking about no longer being "in love" they mean no longer infatuated, and that happens, and isn't necessarily a big deal. No longer having sex is something else, though.

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Quoting:
"He has made some changes to be a better husband and father. "

"I want things to work out between us but feel I am the only one putting out the effort when come to our relationship. "

If he's made some changes, then you are not the only one putting an effort in.

"I am always questioning his love and I am tired of not feeling we are in love with each other. "
"But I am now feeling very insecure and always doubting if I am in a relationship with a man who wants to be with me or a man who just feals obligated to me and to my kids."
"We have talked over and over again about the same ol thing."

If she's been harping over the same thing endlessly, and the man's doing what he can to change and she's still harping.
Then no, I can't imagine that they are having much sex.

This is what I'm getting from what you wrote.
There's alot of details missing.

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Missy--

Welcome to A2K.

Question:

Quote:

But I am now feeling very insecure and always doubting if I am in a relationship with a man who wants to be with me or a man who just feals obligated to me and to my kids.

Did you enter this marriage with children or are they children of both you and your husband?

How old are the children?
How old are you? How old is your husband?
Would you say, in general, that you are a confident and secure person?

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Yes, I guess your right I did leave out some important details. I have been married for 18 years. I questioned my husband when I found lengthly conversations to the same phone number on our cell phone bill. He stated that is was just a friend from work. It later came to my attention that it was a female and that he was now communicating with her from a different phone. He finally admitted to lying to me for months about talking with her. My opinion was that if you lied about talking to a female their was more to the story than you were telling. With no proof of anything but phone calls. I had no choice but to believe him when he said that she was just a friend. I asked him to respect me and that if he was a friend to a female that I would feel more comfortable if we were mutual friends as well. Nothing to hide right? Well after a few months passed he admitted to it being more that just a friendship.

As far as me questioning his love. I questioned it most of the time in my heart not to him. I knew if I chose to stay in my relationship that I had to forgive and not continue to question day after day. I don't think anyone could handle reliving that over and over again. What I guess I meant about him saying that I pressure him mentally, is I don't trust him the way I used to. And he can't handle that. I trusted him like no other until this happened. As far as him making changes yes he did by being home more often and interacting with the kids more often. That is a change but not a change of affection. When I request affection he feels that, that is pressure. And that's what I mean about me putting in the effort. The emotional effort not the physical effort.

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I came into the relationship with no children. He had one child when entering the relationship.
He is in his early forties and I am in my Late 30's

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Have you two been trying to mend fences by yourselves or are you seeing a marriage counsellor?

Until this affair came to light, did you consider yourself to be a secure, confident person?

How long ago did you discover that your husband was being both emotionally and physically unfaithful? Which betrayal hurts you more?

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Thank you, it's all so much more understandable.

I like Noddy's questions....
You are in good hands with her.

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Caribou--

Thanks for the kind words.

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Noddy, In your posts I've seen, you seem to be very patient and understanding and balanced. And encouraging and a whole lot of other nice things. Here you are asking very great questions....
I'll never be as nice as you, but I can admire you!

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Thanks Noddy for all your questions it helps to talk about it. I found out about the affair 3 years ago. No we have not gotten professional help together. He does not want to. But I did make an appointment for help for myself. I think I need to work on myself.

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Missy--

Good for you to take the initiative about seeing a counselor. Your faith in your marriage and your marriage partner have been shaken, but you are still a resourceful, independent woman--or you can be.

How are your kids dealing with the turmoil in the house? Has it affected their lives?

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They don't know about it. I haven't lead on or said anything to them

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Missy--

How old are the children?

Have any of them had trouble in school over the last three years? Kids pick up on an atmosphere of tension in the house whether or not they know the details.

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The are 19, 17, 14, and 11. So far they are doing good in school. And yes I know that they did pick up on some tension. Especially because he has left the house twice for the weekend because he was mad. I just said he was at work and came home at night.

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confused - is it still marraige or just comfort

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