confused - is it still marraige or just comfort

I am sure his reaction will be an angry one. I really do not want this to end on a bad note, but I just don't see any other way. I thought about going to counseling to help us thru this, whether it is help with a separation or just help to get thru the hard times, I don't see it happening any other way than just to come out and say it. Counseling will not be of any use if he is not honest about his actions. Him lying and hiding from the truth will just prolong my hurt and healing process. And lately all he has been doing is lying. I do not think I can trust him to do the right thing. Besides the fact that he refused counseling before. I feel if I say "it's counseling or I can't continue this relationship" would it really make a difference if he is still unwilling to be honest?

Missy--

Congratulations on taking control of your life.

I agree with you that counseling is worthless unless both parties have the same goal. You want a husband you can trust. Your husband seems to want to philander and tomcat without consequences.

I agree with Soz that if you both want to end the marriage, counseling can be great help.

Sorry for the detour into A2K drama taking place elsewhere.

We'll be here for you.

Hold your dominion.

Thanks for the support Noddy.

I feel a little nervous. I'm not sure if reality hasn't sunk in yet or if I'm just numb to the fact that this separation could really be it. I expected to be a complete mess today but I'm holding pretty well. I keep telling myself that I have to take it day by day and not think to far ahead.

missy, I've been reading along until now but want to tell you that taking it day by day is the best thing you can do.

How did it go last night?

Of course he denied having another phone even thou I have proof. But I think that, by him denying it, it just confirmed my decision to go ahead and separate. I did wish that he would have admitted to it and showed me evidence that he was not doing anything wrong. But I guess my night in shining armor will never be him.

Well, you've made some first steps. What are your plans for tonight?

Not sure just yet. I haven't thought that far ahead for today. When I think about going home to go to bed by myself I kinda get a sick feeling in my stomach. All I do know is that it is probably best for me to keep busy.

It also might be a good idea to consult an attorney to make it a legal separation, and to be informed of your rights, get some advice. It doesn't mean that for sure you'll go through with divorce, but will give you a kind of framework to help deal with the separation.

I'm not sure I can handle that right away. I know at some point it has to be done but I can't think that far right now. But I do appreciate your advise. That step is so final. It hurts just to think about it right now. I don't know? Maybe some part of me still has hopes that he'll come back to prove me wrong. Even thou I know it's not realistic.

So, is your husband staying somewhere else then?

Yes, last night when we talked and I told him I needed space to deal with this situation, he got up and left. I did not have the courage to ask him where he was going because I was afraid of backing out of my decision and losing the control of the situation. All I kept thinking of was if he cared at all he would put forth some effort to show me he cared and wanted to prove me wrong. Well, he didn't give it any effort he just said he would leave. I have a habit of making things easy for him all the time, and by doing so, he doesn't feel he needs to show me effort. He just thinks that I will just make it all better again after I calm down. But I can't any more. I need to feel he wants our relationship to work out just as much as I do. I think I deserve it. If at some point he figures that out for himself, then maybe we could talk. Until then I need to work on getting myself stronger and just hope that if he decides that I am worth the effort, that It won't be to late. If in fact their is even anything to be worked at anymore. Allot has happened over the years and I need time to have a reality check and address all the issues. No more pretending, no more thinking of his feelings first and putting mine on the back burner. That's how this situation got so out of control in the first place. Always considering his reaction and not addressing things completely.

Missy--

The first step is the hardest. The rest won't be easy, but the first step is the hardest.

You've made a dispassionate assessment of your marriage and decided that a separation is necessary. You've defined the problem and acted on the problem.

You're a strong woman. The empty bed is a very lonely symbol. Would it help you to think of your husband's new girlfriend (to say nothing of the previous side dishes) in that bed, sleeping between you and your husband?

Your bed may be empty, buy you don't share it with crumbs and bums.

Thanks, I needed that. Having people to talk to helps me to keep thinking on my toes. It's not easy to let go of 18+ years we have together.

Missy--

Reality check. You had eighteen years together--and the last three years have not been good ones.

Hang on.

missy, I agree with everyone that it's good to see you strong and doing what you think is right.

A question -- IF he agrees to go to counseling with you, is that something you would want? Or have you decided that there is just nothing to save, period?

Because if it's something you want, I think it's only fair to tell him that, and give him a chance to say "OK, I want to go to counseling too."

He may well not say that, of course. But right now you seem to be cutting off that possibility (which is also your perogative, and why I ask what you want).

Noddy, yes the last three have been hard. But I guess I always had that hope that we could find faith in each other again. I still at times hold on to a little even after he has proven to let me down yet again.

Sozobe, yes if he agrees to go to counseling I would agree to try it. But, only if he comes to the table with the truth. The counseling would only mean something if we are going to be honest. I'm not sure that, that is something he can do. I am afraid to let my guard down for him to lie and hurt me again. It has taken allot of effort for me to make this decision.

It's interesting that he left rather than try to work through your concerns. I almost get the sense though that you were giving him some sort of test to see if he would fight to keep you. It appears that he wont, and if you want space then he's going to give you space.

It sounds like he's willing to let you make the decisions. Keep making them with your own best interests in mind. I agree with osso that you shouldn't wait too long before protecting your financial assets and making the separtion legal. It all doesn't have to happen overnight, but if he depends on you financially then you should be cautious about your finances.

Yea I guess you could say it was a test. I need to feel wanted. I haven't felt that way in a long time. That is why I did things the way I did. I gave it my best shot these last 3 years and feel I kept getting the short end of the stick. I'm tired of feeling like I have to pull things from him that aren't thier anymore.

missy, we all need to feel wanted and loved, that's why we are are in a relationship in the first place.

As Noddy said, you certainly will feel lonely in your bed tonight but
picture his girlfriend between you. Besides, if he's had unprotected sex
with other women he could jeopardize your health as well, not knowing
if he's bringing home STD's.

Get counseling for yourself and make yourself feel better, that's all that
counts right now - you, and you alone!

How are you doing, missy?