Missy--
Who are you protecting with that "working" story? Your kids or your husband?
Do you work outside the house?
Truly, I'm not sure who I'm protecting. I thought it was my kids that I was protecting my kids but now that you say that I'm not sure. And yes I work out side the home and I am also the one who financially makes the house hold run. Which is why I sometimes feel that he is still in the home. He can't survive on his own.
You know what? I do know who I'm protecting. Myself, Because if I could not make a decision to end the marriage after what I know I did not want to loose their respect.
Quote:When I request affection he feels that, that is pressure.
If you have to request affection from your husband and he feels pressured
into it, then you're holding onto something that isn't there anymore.
Counseling for yourself is a very good idea, but at the same time, I would
encourage you to make arrangements for a trial separation.
Yea, your right. This is something that I know, But just can't seem to let go. I think it is the fear of starting over again, as well as accepting that the love we had shared in our relationship will finally no longer be their. That really hurts to know.
Yes it does hurt, missy, but the love you both have shared over the
years, does not exist any longer. You will hurt even more
if you continue this situation, asking for affection and love, and not
receiving anything.
A fresh start will give you the opportunity to find someone who appreciates you, and loves you for who you are. You deserve that! Staying in a marriage where you're not loved will deprive you of all the things you're
craving for.
On the other hand, a trial separation will give you both the chance
to assess your current situation much better, and perhaps you'll come
to the realization that you're much happier without him. Or your husband
will find out, that he cannot live without you. You've been married
for a long time, maybe you both need a reality check.
Missy--
Calamity Jane has made some excellent points.
At the moment, you're mired in the past (where you and your husband have been floundering for three years). Floundering for three years is exhausting--particularly after deep hurt and betrayal.
Counseling and a trial separation make a good deal of sense. You want to get out of the dreary times and into a happier future.
Right now, you're thinking, "Better the devil I know than a new and unfamiliar devil who might require me to change." Remember, there are worse things than change.
Ohoh! This is good advice!
From CJ:
You will hurt even more if you continue this situation, asking for affection and love, and not receiving anything.
From Noddy:
Right now, you're thinking, "Better the devil I know than a new and unfamiliar devil who might require me to change." Remember, there are worse things than change.
Been there and done both of these.
The not getting attention/affection that you deserve, SUCKS!
And, really, change can be very very scary, but liberating.
Missy--
Apologies for a momentary derailment of your thread.
Caribou--
In addition to your good sense you have been showing remarkable restraint in a difficult situation elsewhere on this forum. You are a valuable--and valued member of A2K.
Missy--
How does life seem this morning? More clear? More confusing?
I agree with Noddy, my compliments Caribou! I would not have been
so patients with the Drama queen, on the contrary. After all this is a
forum for adults and not kindergarteners.
omg, your kind words are much needed and appreciated. I thought I wasn't even going to post today. But I have to to say Thank you.
Missy, hang in there. Let us know how you are doing.
More of the same from me if that's helpful, Caribou. Also noticed, also was impressed with your restraint.
Nods to caribou, excellent restraint.
And support to Missy on her situation...
I'm sorry Missy, just give me one more sec....
Your show of support means a great deal to me. I like and admire all of you.
I still feel bad. I did start the "discussion" on the Marlboro thread. If I had thought about it, I would have realized that it would end badly. And with lots of drama. And that it would probably spill out everywhere.
I'm not proud of myself.
I should have kept it to myself. It certainly wasn't worth all the rest.
Please, let it lie. Thank you, but I was still wrong.
Missy, there are a great many kind and wise people here that will listen and advise you and hopefully, in time, will cheer you. Don't give up.
Keep posting.
Caribou--
You may have been somewhat injudicious, but you apologized.
If you truly want to make amends you must slit your throat at high noon on the Marlboro thread, grovel from your house to San Francisco without knee pads. (And this may or may not work).
You've acted like a lady that that is high praise in my books.
CalamityJane wrote:this is a forum for adults and not kindergarteners.
WHAT!? When did that rule come into play? Does that mean I have to leave now?
Thanks for the support everyone. I will need it now more than ever. Today I am making a decision to separate with my husband. I plan on telling him when he returns from work tonight. I found out he has another cell phone that I never knew about. More and more lies. I have to stop and evaluate this. Will I ever trust him again? Is he really ever going to stop? I can't help but think if he hasn't already he never will. I just feel I keep hurting myself more by accepting his lies. I owe it to myself to be happy again. I have to say enough is enough. This is one of the hardest decisions I have had to make. But know realistically it is something I must do. I just hope I don't analyze things to much again and convince myself that my decision is wrong. It's easy to take the weak way out when your heart needs mending.
kickycan wrote:CalamityJane wrote:this is a forum for adults and not kindergarteners.
WHAT!? When did that rule come into play? Does that mean I have to leave now?
You have extenuating circumstances, kicky.
missy4 wrote:Thanks for the support everyone. I will need it now more than ever. Today I am making a decision to separate with my husband. I plan on telling him when he returns from work tonight. I found out he has another cell phone that I never knew about. More and more lies. I have to stop and evaluate this. Will I ever trust him again? Is he really ever going to stop? I can't help but think if he hasn't already he never will. I just feel I keep hurting myself more by accepting his lies. I owe it to myself to be happy again. I have to say enough is enough. This is one of the hardest decisions I have had to make. But know realistically it is something I must do. I just hope I don't analyze things to much again and convince myself that my decision is wrong. It's easy to take the weak way out when your heart needs mending.
Be strong missy. If you get weak, just think of us, we will be here for you and support you in your very difficult decision. We're right behind you.
What do you think his reaction will be?
Do you think it would be worth it to put it in terms of counseling? Not, "I'm leaving," and that's that, but "Things are very serious and I think we need to go to counseling together. If you're not willing to, I won't be able to continue with this relationship." Something like that.
Counseling can help wrap things up in the healthiest possible way, not just try to keep you together.
