Finally decided to not seek a relationship

Well, I'm overjoyed to say that my controlling has been maintained in remission during the entirety of my relationship with Cheryl. It's not an accident that I don't do those kinds of things, and that my awareness of the trait is as a phenomenon that occurs mostly just in my mind and not outwardly - its a character defect that I had to confront in my life because it caused people I love pain. Maybe it would be more accurate for me to say not that I am a controlling person, but that I have the potential to be one.

In any case, my antics never ever reached the kind of stuff you say you have endured. Damn, POM, I can see why you'd be wary of men.

snood --I just wonder what I was like in a past life.


I'm a shy person. I've taken the Myer-Briggs at least three times in my life,and, in Jungian terms, I am an introvert (75% of all Americans taking the same test register as extraverts). That trait drove my former husband -- who is probably off the charts in terms of being an extravert) crazy.

We all carry negative traits with us and they are exacerbated during times of stress. I took the M-B around the time I was deciding on whether or not to divorce my husband and ranked in the middle of the extra- /intraversion continuum. When I am feeling fine with myself, I tend to be about 5% into intraversion.

Cheryl probably has a positive effect upon you, snood. Courting is a time when we are at our best. It would be nice if we could be that best all of the time.

Speaking of courting as a time when we improve. Has anyone noticed that some pairings bring out the worst in both people, or, at least in one of the couple?

Yeah, I hear you about courting not being necessarily a time when our behavior is wholly representative of our true selves. It's for that reason we are taking some preemptive strikes like reading Gary Chapman's "Five Love Languages" together, and seeking out supportive counseling to try to achieve as much transparancy as we can muster. There's no guarantee of success, but we're trying to go into it with our eyes as wide open as we can get them.

snood -- It sounds like you and Cheryl are working hard at making your relationship a success. Congratulations and I wish you two all the love and happiness there is. Your writing on this matter really warms the cockles!

Off topic is sometimes . . . maybe often . . . good. How else does one learn?

are you still around, aidan? Well, looking back, I will add that I met both men in question here through music . . .but .. . both were long ago and far away

Aidan's here.

I remember you and I having spats but not what about. Whatever.

I see myself as replying to a wrong thread.
Carry on.

I just reread this after somewhere in the neighborhood of three years.

The funny thing is that I had forgotten about this forum and its name although I remembered that there was some forum on which people always seemed able to answer any odd and esoteric question that might be asked.

I stumbled upon it today because I checked how something was spelled. I kid you not! A conversation from this forum came up rather than the word itself.

When I reread this thread, people I no longer remembered came back and this thread washed over me with lots of memories.

I asked a close friend, someone I have known for more than 20 years on the second of this month if she even sees (not as dating but as simply walking within one's field of vision) single men our age. She said no, but that she had expected because she works at Barnes and Noble, that she would meet men.

I'll reread. Eeeeeek.

There are really excellent online dating / get to know people sites where you can meet wonderful people - some of them are men.

Perhaps there are but I haven't seen them and, I suspect, human nature being what it is, if there is an excellent site, there is only one.

I used, briefly, sporadically and over a period of more than ten years, match.com, zoosk, a service for graduates of Ivy League and comparable schools, plenty of fish and yahoo matches. Zoosk, the last I used, and yahoo, the first, were the worst.

'I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. "
- Anais Nin

For more wonderful words on wisdom on 'relationships and love' - just google Anais Nin on love.

Try eHarmony - they seem to expend a little energy introducing people who have more in common than the hots for one another's photos. There is a rather lengthy questionnaire - they send you a list of men who answer similarly to you, and I've heard really positive results. I have friends who experienced good results with plentyoffish - but, I see you tried that one.

Lastly, there is a place where I had a BALL. I met my best girlfriends and my fiance there. You can see people while you talk to them if you have a webcam. This is where I met my fiance - True.com Of course, there are some really nutty people there - but among them, you will probably find people just like you.

When my husband died, I was sure I wouldn't be in another serious relationship. I'd try to convince anyone not to close the door on future happiness of a romantic nature.

eHarmony is a Christian site. No!

besides, if I see a man's picture, I never want to meet him. 60+ year old men do not photgraph well. I prefer the mystery anyway.

It's not a Christian site, POM.

yes, it is. The founder is Neil Clark Warren. Initially, his partner was James Dobson from Focus on the Family although Warren has severed his relationship with both Dobson and Focus on the Family. He has also purchased back the rights to his own books. Even if I had money enough to use the site, paying money to Warren's organization would not be comfortable for me.

Besides, I am not looking at the present time and haven't been. Furthermore, I doubt that I would find a man I would like on that site. . . . or who would like me!

Certainly do what's comfortable for you. I tried eHarmony when I first decided to date - and it was a fun way to get my head back in dating after a 26 year marriage ... I answered a bunch of questions and was presented with a list of about 80 men in the general area. I have to tell you - I went through about 10 first dates... but it was so much fun. Riding motorcycles, going hiking in the mountains, bar hopping in Athens - listening to great music... restaurants I'd never have gone to otherwise. It's just nice to GET OUT sometimes and meet new people.

When you said "Christian site," that connotes to me the employment of some exclusively Christian tenet/s in the operation of the site. There was nothing overtly religious noticable to the consumer...for anyone reading along.

I think you will discover that we "find" people when we are in a place that's comfortable for us. For example, if you like art, you will find that person in the art scene.

That's where we should be looking for it.