Finally decided to not seek a relationship

Nicely said, Snood.

POM, I spent the 2 years of my seperation trying to figure out what happened and how to fix it. I then spent the 1 year post divorce trying to just get back on my feet. I really wanted to fall back into a relationship to help me forget my ex a little faster. But now looking back, I'm really glad I had all that time to reflect and learn from all of that pain. Now I can honestly say that I'm ready to continue growing and to meet more people, men or women. Maybe a friendship with a man could develop into something more. But I do feel that after everything I've been through emotionaly I have earned the right to be selective and will only open my heart to a man who is worthy of my love. This I don't think I can evaluate too early so I believe in developing friendships first.

Aidan, what you told your daughter was surely right, except for the part about them probably becoming friends again. I doubt she will forget his remark, and I doubt he will forget being rejected!

I was definitely not trying to make a helpful suggestion -- we cannot just change our sexual orientation on a whim. It was completely a joke. And yes, Snood, I was aware that it could be taken as an insult, but I made the (obviously incorrect) assumption that POM would be secure & mature enough to see it as a joke.

Well, it was dimwitted and childish. And I say that with tongue firmly in cheek, so you shouldn't take offense.

Stuh said:

She wasn't rejecting him as a person- she's not allowed to have boyfriends as such (I think she's too young for anything other than a boy as a friend-having him over to our house as a visitor to hang out with under superivision- that's all she was trying to tell him- he apparantly didn't wait to hear her out). She was confused by his remark, and hurt by it, but I explained it to her. And I also told her that pretty much the same exact thing happened to me when I was about her age. I think it's just a part of growing up really....we all need to learn how to take rejection- some of us never do. I hope they forgive each other, because they were really good friends, and that's not something to just throw away over a stupid remark made off the cuff, or because feelings were hurt.



I know this. But I can't tell you how many times I've been told (usually by women- I have a lot of gay friends) when I've been crying with a broken heart over a man that what I need is a "good woman". Sometimes I have actually wished I could see my way clear to agree, just because in some ways it would seem so much easier (although in other ways much harder) but as you said, it's not a conscious choice we can make. Even though it's not for me, I don't take the suggestion whether it's made by a man or a woman as an insult. If it's made by a woman, I just figure she's (however mistakenly) trying to help me out, and if it's made by a man, I figure he's either hurt or tired of hearing about what ass***** all men are.


I guess we've all had the experience of misreading and/or miscommunicating in various situations. All I was saying is I can see both sides of the issue. I truly wish only happiness for POM- whether it's within a relationship or without one.
By the way- congratulations on your engagement Snood.

Thanks. And Stuh - on reappraisal, I am being too judgemental of you. I've made some jokes that didn't quite go over like I meant them to, as well.

Me too. GL POM.

Re: Finally decided to not seek a relationship


I can't say I blame you plainoldme. While I'd like to say that I've decided not to seek a relationship, there is still that natural desire for companionship that I struggle with sometimes. Loneliness too. I'm definitely not seeking one at this time, but sometimes I think that somewhere down the road I might want to have one again some day.

This seems like an appropriate thread to discuss the three stages of marriage. Is everyone here familiar with these stages?

They are, in order, the everywhere stage, the bedroom stage, and the hallway stage.

During the everywhere stage, in the early years of the relationship, sex is had everywhere -- the elevator, the golf course, standing up in a hammock, in the kitchen sink, etc.

Next in line is the bedroom stage. During that stage the sexual activity becomes more discreet and less frenzied and generally will take place in the bedroom.

The final stage is the hallway stage. You pass each other in the hallway and say "Fock you."

Gus, You're not a sufferer of schitzophrenia, are you?

I suffer from many things. I suppose you could add that one to the list.

Gee, are you sure you're not a lesbian, too, gus?

I've heard that most people with schitzophrenia are above average in intelligence, and you seem to show many of those tendencies - but especially when you stay away from the subject of "sex." The movie, A Beautiful Mind, is a very good example of that mental illness.

Gee, snood, that was a nice post.

Some things to say:

littlek is right about my former husband having been abusive, and, yes, it was both mental and physical.

However, my point is it is nice to chose to do what I want to do an evening. What I enjoy now is not having my requests ignored . . . for months on end.

As for seeking, well, I distrust anyone who says they never sought a relationship. There was a year, back when I was 23 turning 24, when I still went out on dates, but, I never wanted to repeat any of them. I became more than a bit unhappy that I never wanted a second date. What made me more unhappy still is that time co-incided with married men chasing me. Yuck. I was sooooo unhappy.

The thought of kissing someone again frightens and repels me. I would have to be bowled over to even consider trying. Looming at the back of mind is asking to do something, hearing a yes, then never doing it.

So, my chafing at control is lost in the wind.

I wrote this long post about how I couldn't picture you being controlled, because I hadn't read the whole thread in a while, but then I did reread the thread and saw that, it does sound like certain controlling issues were present in your relationships and you allowed them, which actually really, really surprises me POM (from what you represent of yourself here). I'm not being judgmental- I know there are all sorts of reasons women (and men) put up with stuff in relationships- but I just find it surprising- coming from you (and that's a compliment).

I would definitely chafe at being controlled. I've never been able to function in any relationship when I felt I was being controlled. I guess that's why I can say that I know you can have a relationship where you aren't controlled- I've never had one where I felt that I was- unless I was willing to be because I got what I needed or wanted in other ways that was more important to me than feeling that I was in control. But I don't tend to go for selfish people-that might be the difference.

It sounds like you seem to end up with guys who have different interests than you. Maybe there'd be more compromise, in fact I'm sure there would be, if you were with someone who actually liked the same things you do. Maybe you should just do social activities you enjoy, on the off chance you will meet someone who also likes the same things, and take it from there.

But from what you describe-I understand- and I think I'd rather be alone than deal with the relationships you've dealt with.

The whole thing about hating control is close to me, because I can tend to be controlling, and I have to watch myself about that.

And POM, when I say I wasn't looking for someone when I met Cheryl, I of course don't mean to exclude the ever-present sort of state of consciousness of people of the opposite sex. I think any man who is honest and single and hetero is always aware of the females around, and very open to suggestion. But I wasn't expecting anything - the fact that she seemed interested right from the start struck me as a suprise.

Interesting! I could not log onto to this site for two days as supposedly it had been restricted.

Aidan -- Actually, I met the two longest running men in my life at music events and music is a big part of all three lives. I met my exhusband when we were both Detroit Symphony season ticket holders (I was working on a master's at WSU and could get a season ticket for $20. That was $1/concert! What a bargain!) I met my long term boyfriend who came into my life about two years after my divorce when I went to investigate Cajun music.

Neither man cares for movies and I tended to go by myself in order to avoid my former husband's sighs and restless leg syndrome and my former boyfriend's complaints. Neither man could see some of the things that I would and they wondered how I caught the things I did and I would say that they were there to be seen.

However, movies are pretty minor in the scheme of things. My former husband used to issue fiats. "Because I like to pack for trips (he travelled in his work) at the last minute, I expect all my shirts to always be washed and ironed," was one. They were generally structured in that way: because I ... There was never a can we work something out or how do you feel or what can I do for you while you do this for me or I just can't do this as well as you and I realize your time in precious, so what can I do.

What was worse was that he expected me to be able to do whatever he wanted for him at the cost of doing things for the kids, even when they were babies. He told me he would never buy me anything for mother's day because I wasn't his mother but the first two years that I had a child -- my daughter was 4 months old that first mother's day -- he invited a grad school mate over for dinner. I had to stop preparing dinner twice to breastfeed the baby and he never made a move to pick up. The second time this guy came to dinner, I asked why he wasn't in Rhode Island, visiting his mother. Never saw him again.

There was so much more -- controlling what I wore; breaking things of mine that he disliked -- the whole thing was a night mare.

snood -- Actually, I wasn't thinking of you when I wrote about not believing when people say they aren't looking. I'm a bit surprised, however, to hear you say that you are controlling, because you always seem gallant here.

This is a general remark and something of a confession. I had really wanted to find that elusive thing known as Mr. Right when I was in college. My mother (very domineering; always told me that I wasn't good enough, that I was homely and stupid) worried about my marrying the first guy who came along and told me to "play the field." Well, dating in the 60s wasn't what dating in the 40s had been. I hated "playing the field." I had hoped to establish a strong relationship and to remain within it for four or five years before marrying and then doing a lot of building and bonding before having a family when we were in our 30s. I knew even then that I needed some help standing up to my mother.

I became involved with the sort of man most parents want for their daughters when I was 17 and we had an off again/on again relationship for the next 6 years. He was a National Merit Scholar, a long distance runner, a-good-enough-to-be-professional guitarist and a fair painter who ended up practicing medicine. My family complained that I never dated working men! I feel that my parents' resistance to him harmed both of us, but that is a loooong story.

Looking back, perhaps, it was better that I didn't find Mr. Right and didn't think that the above mentioned man was Mr. Right.

A woman friend told me that even women marry their mothers and my ex was something like my mother.