Dear Diary

A lovely post, Mapleleaf. Enjoy your spring!

Yes, mapleleaf, enjoy the spring.

I wish I could say I am enjoying the spring... You mowed grass today? We are still shoveling snow. It was awful last night. The whole town was icy. I could hardly get home. Then this morning snow, snow and more snow.

Our American co-workers from Alabama thought it was a blizzard :-) Not quite... but a lot of snow, that's true. And to top it all off it started to rain this afternoon. And I have such a cold. My head is all stuffed up.

But on the bright side - I had a very nice facial this afternoon done by one of my best friends who works at a beauty store in the neighbourhood. So now I feel a lot better. When she finishes work in about 30 minutes, we will go out for a drink and then meet some girls for pizza. Yes, the weekend starts!

And even better - I am not working on Monday! So snow, rain, wind - I don't care! :-)

(or maybe a little bit - I would love to have some spring!)

Alright, I do care about the weather. I was outside shoveling snow twice on Saturday evening and could not move my car out of all that snow.

But I should be used to that kind of weather at this time of the year. The only time I could celebrate my birthday outside was when we were in Charleston, S.C. So I am having a happy white birthday :-)

Dear Diary


What a sweet thread, husker! I just discovered it. I need this more than you know.

"Well, Dear Diary, I really don't know where to begin, but just give me a little time..."

<... (well?)>

"Okay, it's like this. Up until now in my life, I've experienced a number of very uncommon experiences, both positive and negative, that you usually don't hear about except in the movies. My cousin knows things about me that only one other living person has known. She tells me that I should right a biography, or at least a series of novels based on those experiences. She even offered to team up with me to do it. But I'm really not into novels, and I don't know if I'd like the idea of completely opening up my closet door for everything to be seen. However, I'm the type who, if asked sincerely, and if I chose to answer, would not lie. I might soften it a bit by not telling every graphic detail, but it would nevertheless be truthful, even if it might prove to be embarrassing.

"One of the reasons I like being at A2K is because I get to reveal how I really am on the inside, a part of me that only a select few have known. Many people today are so wrapped up in and overwhelmed by their hurried, stressful lives that they don't seem to care much about getting to know a person well, unless there is an immediate way that they can use them. In their flurry, they don't realize it, but this can be the case.

"Anyway, Diary, in one of my posts, I spoke about having gone through a series of extreme hardship and heartache. Well, this quickly pushed me beyond a point to giving up, escaping, and not caring about myself, anymore. Once a person gets caught in that self-hurt cycle, it's very difficult to break out of it. A part of me still yearned to escape, but I didn't have the wherewithal to climb out. I think probably because subconsciously, I was trying to punish myself for not having the life I had wanted. After long soul-searching for a solution, the answer finally came. The only way back up was for me to retreat into myself, for inner repair. This period of restrictive restoration covered the span of over a decade.

"If you had known me 12 years ago, and then compared it to now, you'd notice a drastic (inward) improvement. But the outward part still revealed years of suffering, pain, and abuse. By November of 2005, I finally felt capable of confronting the physical. Yes, it was that bad; but it wasn't anything that couldn't be overcome and fixed, with hard work, determination, and persistence.

"I've come a long way from where I was, but not yet where I need to be. As I've stated before, I'll reach my true outward self again in about 6 months. This basically means replacing bad personal habits with good ones. (Who couldn't stand a little of that?)

"There is still a lot to do, and it certainly hasn't been easy, but I've been taking things one very small step at a time."

Page 1

Dear Diary
(cont.)...

"Dear Diary,

"Since November (4 full months ago), I've managed to slim down by 14 pounds. It's been a very slow process, but they say that's the best way to do it. At this rate, allowing for possible periods of plateaus, I'll have returned to the size that I used to be, by the end of August.

"Again, there are other things I'm working on as well, pertaining to little yucky habits that we sometimes let ourselves fall into, but would like to be rid of, so this will be lots of fun. (ha) I have it better than a friend I know, though. She smokes and can't quit. That's so terrible. I'm glad I'm not faced with that kind of challenge. Some experts claim that smoking cigarettes is almost as addictive as heroin. So I'm lucky in this respect.

"I thought I might post some pictures of myself before those continual series of challenges had hit the scene. They will give you an idea as to where I was, which was approximately 15 years ago, and the goal I'm shooting for by late AUG/early September (my original weight of 117 pounds). In my opinion, right now I look older than my age. But this is really not a problem. It isn't anything that can't be fixed with a few personal, homemade beauty treatments. (ha! - maybe a little more than a few).

"Anyway, here they are (my hair is a little shorter now, touching my shoulders, and I have bangs)":



This is at a friend's house.




Loving my little doggies, 1988 (I have a big nose. )




This was when I was a little younger than the above pictures, in my first community theatre play "Man of La Mancha".




Remember when I mentioned that I used to be a musician? Well, that was when I was about 24, or therabouts. Here I am in our duo, playing at a fine, cozy place called the Wine Cellar, in Fat City (Metairie/New Orleans, Louisiana). It was owned by an Italian gentleman, who was the president of Fat City. (This is when I was a radical Liberal feminist, member of NOW.)


"I'm not going to post a 'before' picture, because there really isn't any need to. What matters most is the 'after'. It will be interesting to see how close I can get to the pics above. What a challenge!!! :wink:

"Diary, the reason I'm posting this here, is because it will help me stay on track, and stay accountable. After all, since it's known, now, I won't allow myself to fail. Have to save face, here!"

Until next time,
PoetSeductress

(page 2)

Dear Diary,
WOW!...what an entrance! Welcome!

Dear diary,

i MUSt stop biting my nails. Really. There is always a tiny sliver that gets embedded in my throat and tickles me. Now, who needs that? Plus it is very unladylike, and me, I'm a proper dainty lady.

I must also get rid of the headache and muscle ache brought on by the boxing training tonight. That's right. Proper dainty ladies box, some of them. I'm trying vodka -tonic, but that don't seem to work. May have to try more of it.

One other thing made me pause today. What is it, that drives women (me accounted) to wear ridiculous high heels, when they KNOW they will only walk from bus to the office, meeting nobody they know on the way or at the office, and then home the same way. That preceded by a half hour makeup session in the morning. Honestly!

No high heels for me, dagmaraka! Half hour makeup session? Yes... but no high heels... The heels of my cowboy boots are as high as it gets for me...

Dear Diary,

the weather is about to drive me crazy - or the headache I get from this weather will drive me crazy. I feel like going to bed but can't think that I will find a comfortable place for my head. So I will just sit here for a while until I get very tired.

My sneakers don't have heels! I just got new pink ones to greet the spring. And the preschoolers don't seem to like me in makeup, because I look too different. Even changing my glasses weirds them out.

I'm sorry you've got a headache, urs! Headaches can be so debilitating, especially migraines.

I have been battling my own headaches, some details to follow:

Dear Diary,

My migraines have been out of control. Increasing in severity, length, and frequency. Less responsive to medication. And I HATE having to take medication for anything. And I get dangerous blood pressure spikes with them. (Not related to the medication, I've experimented already.)

I've been to doctors, and more doctors, and a nurse practitioner. I finally have a probable diagnosis that I don't like, but feel I can live with (only because the treatment seems to be helping...)

Relatedly, I had been having digestive troubles and severe, chronic fatigue, which I thought might be attributable to celiac disease. I put myself on a gluten-free diet, and got a blood test tor celiac.

Now I await the results of that test, and I'm dealing with what my nurse practitioner told me: chronic systemic candidiasis. What does that mean? Basically, I have a yeast infection in my whole body, brought on by decades of antibiotic use, hormonal contraceptives, steroidal medications, consumption of fermented and yeasty foods, and stress.

It explains a lot of mysterious body pain and at least some of the migraines: too much yeast in your body produces mycotoxins that mess you up all over. And they progressively damage your intestinal walls, causing you to not absorb nutrients properly, and then you do reabsorb partially digested food and waste products into the blood stream. Yuck! That definitely explains a lot of my digestive symptoms.

It also explains a lot of skin sensitivity and rashes. And it may explain the fatigue, and a host of neurological symptoms I've been experiencing.

This diagnosis is also supported by a history of various localized infections I've had for the last three decades. It is also supported by my other food sensitivities. Candida overgrowth can trigger all sorts of food and environmental sensitivities.

There is no accurate test for this, so I just have to wait and see if this diet fixes it. And I think it's already helping.

I could choose to go on drugs for this, but I prefer to try diet and natural supplements (acidophilus with other good bacteria, coenzyme Q-10, pau d'arco tree bark, and a good multivitamin. I can only take half of the multivitamin tablet, because my body freaked out at the whole one. But having changed my diet, I feel like I'm absorbing (or at least tolerating) a half a vitamin well.) I'm already on a prescription for my stomach, and one for the migraines, and I'd really like to wean off the synthetic drugs eventually.

So what's the diet? In addition to all gluten-containing ingredients, I have cut out all sugar and starches. I'll be able to add back non-gluten-containing starches later in the process.

I have cut out all dairy products (except butter,) especially cheese. I can't eat any fermented foods, and cheese is the worst. I can't have alcohol, which I already cut out as a potential migraine trigger anyway. I can't have vinegar, or mushrooms. I can't have fruit (except for tomato and pepper, which we really don't eat as fruits anyway.) I won't be able to have dried fruits or prepared juices for quite some time, but I should be able to slowly add fresh fruits back in sooner. I have to limit starchy vegetables like winter squash and yams. I'm avoiding regular potatoes for now.

I'm phasing out caffeine as quickly as I can. I switched from black tea to green, and reduced the quantitiy. I'll keep tapering over time.

I'm allergic to soy, coffee, chocolate, nuts, sesame, lentils, all other legumes, and especially peanuts. So I don't need to cut those out, but I am limited to animal sources of protein.

What can I eat? Veggies. Uncured meat. Veggies. Fish. Veggies. Garlic. Veggies. Eggs. Veggies. Supplements. More veggies.

I think I may be feeling better. It's Saturday, and while I have a little caffeine craving, I don't have a migraine! And I feel pretty well. Big difference from most weekends this year, where fatigue and migraines have prevented me from doing much.

So far today, I have cooked, cleaned, shopped at my very favorite Whole Foods store, cooked some more, and showered. Soon I will go out for a walk, then there is a dinner-type-event in honor of Taylor's birthday... I will snack first and hope there is something I can eat at the restaurant. If there isn't, I will just drink water and enjoy the charming company around me. And come back home and snack some more.

I finally feel hopeful, which is new and different. But I am hungry, and I miss grilled cheese sandwiches...

oh my gosh Marycat - sorry

Marycat...I wish you well...I just tell myself this will end....and maybe I will able to control or improve my situation.

Marycat, I imagine it is not easy to stick to this diet. But it is well worth it if it helps you feel better. I wish you all the best for this!

At least I know where my headaches come from... My vertrebrae are slipping a bit sometimes and that can cause terrible headaches that can last for a couple of days. But eventually they slip back where they belong - I guess? - and everything's fine till the next time... Oh well - getting old...

Dear Diary,

The weekend is almost over and it was exhausting - most of it was fun, though.

My father turned 75 on Friday so we had a family gathering. We managed to convinced our parents that it would be easier for them to come Germany than for us to come to Hungary. So we all met at my sister's house. My parents arrived on Thursday, so did my sister's oldest son and his girlfriend who live in Hamburg. My brother flew in from Atlanta on Friday morning. I got there Friday after work. So for coffee it was my sister, her three sons and her husband, one girlfriend, my brother, my parents, my uncle and aunt, my sister's father-in-law and me. It went amazingly well - not counting the hissing that went on when my uncle and aunt left. When I went home, my mother handed me a letter and I was so stupid to read it when I got home. She's complaining once again about everyone of us. We are all so unkind to them and they feel so bad and everything is so terrible. And now I should talk to my brother but NOT to my sister and somehow safe the world, I guess... Like I'm the family therapist or what? For 44 years, they did not care about what was going on in my life and now we are such a close family? Sorry, I must have missed that...

So I decided that I will send the letter back to her with a note that I cannot solve her problems. I have to live my life and she has live hers.

But it was so great to have the rest of the family together and we had so much fun. My poor brother did not get a letter - he had to sit and listen to them for over an hour - and was told about the same things... We are all so terrible and they are do not know why we treat them so badly... Grrr, we've talked about that so many times but they have their own little world and reality and we just don't remember right, don't know anyway, don't understand....

I feel better now...

urs,
"So I decided that I will send the letter back to her with a note that I cannot solve her problems. I have to live my life and she has live hers." Makes sense to me. But I know the situation still is an energy drainer.

Dear Diary,
I don't hurt anymore. I'm spending more time working outside. The colors of spring and the brisk winds of March are reviving me even more.

Husk, how are you doing?

I have decided to participate in the American Cancer Society - Relay For Life®, for my part I have committed to complete one mile. Go easy on me here, for some people that is nothing more than a few deep breaths and a couple extra heart beats. For me it will be a giant incredible challenge to be able to walk a mile or more by May 16th. When I first started walking I was really out of breath at about 200-300 feet, now I can walk about 200 yards, but actually it's getting harder rather than easier.

I'm impressed, Husker.

Considering how often you've been in and out of the hospital in the last coupla years, I'd say that's an ambitious goal, husker. But good luck all the same!

By the way...it's been awhile since you've been in the hospital, hasn't it? I hope that means the cycle has been broken.

November 15 was the last visit - and it does seem to be broken "the cycle"

Still.... don't overdo, as my mother would have said..

I'm very careful