Sexually Frustrated

heph, hmm...there seem to be some rather disturbing inconsistencies in your post

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I'm not a piece of meat. I don't mind flirting, joking around, and such, but in reality. Naaa... I think I deserve better than that, and so does he. *shrugs*

ok, sure...

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wanting to try it out to see if I could break off that looming feeling of "commitment" to my husband...

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He was like, "Yeah, I just can't believe you are still here and not freaking out completely. I was expecting you to either get up and walk out or pitch a fit of some sort and call me a bastard at least." LOL I was like, "Well, we said from the start we wouldn't get emotionally attached, right? And I didn't. Surprise!"

you say you don't want to be treated like a piece of meat, that neither you nor your partner deserves to be treated that way, and yet that sounds exactly how you treated your own husband. now, you said earlier that you were seeing a friend with benefits...but here you specifically start with the word husband and refer to that person as "he" thereafter without changing context, so I can only assume you are still talking about your husband when you say this.

don't you think that the reason he was surprised you did not show him any emotion was because he was hurt and felt that he deserved some kind of emotional loss? to be rejected after knowing someone for a long time without any sign of emotion is a bit of a slap in the face.

even if you are not talking about your husband here, from the way you are talking, it still sounds very much like you used this person in just about the same way that you just said you didn't feel people should be treated. a little sex here and there, some confidence building words when you need them, all his giving to you.

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Hey I see the point stuh. I'm not talking about my husband though. He's in CT I'm in FL. Haven't seen him in close to six month now. I haven't even spoken to him in at least three months, I think.

Let me clarify something else though. When I say "I'm not a piece of meat" I mean I'm not a sex object to be used for a night and thrown to the curb. No intimacy, no emotional involvement. What happened between this guy and me was a step above that. There was intimacy and emotional involvement without the emotional strings attached. The expectations that come with a relationship and so forth. It really is a friendship that was just taken to a bit of a more intimate level for a while. I hope that makes sense. Were we using each other? Yeah, I guess to an extent we were. But it went both ways, and it was agreed upon by both parties. Therefore no one got hurt.

His shock at my reaction was based out of the fact that he had gone this path before with others in the past who said they could separate themselves from getting emotionally attached but couldn't. They were all too soon asking him to move in, be their "boyfriend", get engaged, what ever. So he assumed I too was going to react as they did, but I didn't because we made a deal and well... I stuck to it. :wink:

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Ah, ok. I suppose I've been there too.

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I don't think a one nighter has to put someone in the 'sleezy category'. Not at all.

I myself have indulged in a one night stand. Ok, 2 night stand. Right after a highly, highly emotional time in my life. Big loss. Boyfriend - we had been split for a while, but that bit of me was still holding on, you know? It felt like hell to go through that without him, it made me miss him, and also mad at him a bit for not being there (not rational, but it helped me finally let go and accept things)

Anyhow, it was not just anybody. It was someone I knew from way back. Never was in a relationship with him, never wanted it. Respected him, knew what the deal was from the get go.
He was going through the same loss. We shared that, and a mutual background.

Mucho wine, talking, and nights without any of that other stuff. Then we decided to go for it.

No regrets. At all. It was healing, in a strange way. A lot of energy released, a lot resolved.

I remember him making breakfast, we ate, and discussed our plans for the day. Seperate lives. It was like entering a strange world for just a weekend. Never to return again.

I was lucky, it might have turned out differently. And that's my one nighter story.

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Frankly, I like being useful. I want to be used but not abused.

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Cute JL. Very cute. Razz

I wish I could be like that.

So it appears my "fling" has not let go as easily as he said he could. He called the other night to see if I would come over this weekend. He told his girlfriend about me. Apparently she's a little nervous because he was with me so long. Understandable. Actually I believe the terms he used were "freaking out a little, but she'll calm down". What makes me nervous is that he just bought a house with her and he's calling me. She's out of town packing up her stuff to bring back and move into "their" house.

I know I should tell him no though. There's this battle going on between what I want and what she (his girlfriend) needs. If he's in a relationship with her and she's kind of freaking out, it doesn't seem like there should be any side play on his part. Especially with me. The one she's nervous about. She's already a known runner, as in she has taken off on him a few times since their on again off again relationship started. I don't want to give her a reason to run. But man, there's that side of me right now that just wants someone to BE there. He knows my situation because he's read my blogs on myspace and he's willing to be there, but I just don't think I should do it at her expense. Oh but I want to.

I got propositioned by a 29 yr old the other night. Gosh that seems so young now a days. I had to turn him down too. Mostly because he was talking "sh**". He very openly told me that his penis was nine inches and thick. It brought to mind two things. Either he's lying through his teeth and over compensating, or he's been with half the planet already. No thanks.

However, the Bud guy (beer vendor at the gas station I work at) has been very flirty the last few weeks he's been in. No ring on his finger, and dang he's pretty fine if I must say. Hehe... he's been kind of helping to keep my boss in check. He's so flirty that my boss has to walk away at times. LOL Sorry, probably shouldn't be laughing, but I think it's finally hitting home he's getting nothing more out of me than the hours he schedules me to work for at the gas station. So who knows. We'll see if that goes anywhere. Cool

I don't know though. I'm still trying to decide if my motives are right or not. It sure would be nice to find someone like JL though. Who wants to be used without being abused. I think I could use a nice roll in the hay about now with no strings. Just some fun for the night to get my mind off of other stuff, ya know? Hmm... maybe I really could pull off a one night stand.

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So.

I think a given one night stand can be as meaningful as some short term or long term relationships, in some cases probably more - just as an excellent short term relationship can mean more that an nearly entirely miserable long one - though it isn't usually. Usually it is sex in the heat of the night, or bright morning.. it depends on the people at the time.

I don't find enthusiastic one-time sex horrible in itself. There is a lot good to say, given folks aren't truly stupid about it re health concerns or leading the partner on. Feeling dirty, etc., is, to me, cultural hogwash.

A pattern of one night stands can be a symptom of dissociation from connection, and probably a clue to some self hate or self despair going on. But then, I suppose not always. There may be people who only do that - I think I know one (not speaking of myself) - and that person is pretty well developed psychologically at least in terms of self knowledge and self acceptance.

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Hi osso. I would much prefer something with a bit more meaning than just one night stand, probably for fear of becoming dissociated from connection actually. Yet... I don't know really. I can't say I've ever really had a "good" one night stand. Back in my early 20's I did it a lot. Errr... a lot more than I'd like to admit actually, and that was my reason. I don't care to walk the same path twice.

Then the other presenting problem at this point as well is how do I find a decent one? I think I might be entirely too paranoid to sleep with just anyone. Maybe with a little liquor in my system I wouldn't think so much about that kind of thing, but it's important and dang... everyone around me just seems so young now a days. I know I'm only 36... that's really not that old. But 29 even seems young to me now. And if I were to go for the older guys... errrr... it's usually those 55 and older crew who are a bit creepy.

Dang it all! My fling just had to go out and get girlfriend didn't he? *sigh* Man these last few months were like paradise for me. *sigh*

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I'm certainly not against people not 'going there' with a one night stand. Love for and loyalty to another at one extreme, and simple choice not to do that for various other reasons like morality or not being interested in anything so ephemeral is all fine with me. i'm just sayin' - length (oh, for a better word) of time together is not a value measure by some kind of decree.

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I agree osso. It just seems that for the moment at least, time is a factor to me. Probably because when I was younger I was really looking for something much deeper than just sex, and that's all I ever got. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. I understand now why things were that way. I just don't ever want to feel the way I did back then again. So I guess for my own sake I just kind of avoid the whole scenario. But a lot has changed since then. So who knows. I might actually be emotionally able to handle such a thing and not be giving myself credit for that.

At any rate... I'm off to the hospital now to hang out with my dad for a bit, and then probably the karaoke bar for a while to put back a few cold ones and watch the drunk people try to sing. Razz

Have a good night. Smile

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Heph, I was in a bar the night my dad died. He was better and supposed to be transferred from ICU that next morning, and in a combo of relief and tension, I went out after work with a group...

I don't feel guilty for that, long story, but I don't want you to go through it. Call and check on his condition if you can later in the evening.

The other possibly weird thing I have to tell you is that death and sex are emotionally connected - the sex is a leap to life. I'm sure not telling you not to, but to have your eyes open.

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hephzibah wrote:

I was having a fling for the last two months or so. But that was abruptly ended a week ago. Hence the once a week statement. :wink:

You had a once-a-week fling up till last week and you think you're sexually frustrated?!

Some people just dont know how good they have it..

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stuh505 wrote:

GW, The problem with dogs is people get really freaked out when they find out you've been sleeping with them.

hephzibah wrote:

One last thing before I call it a night. I don't remember exactly what I said a few months ago, but it was something along the lines of wanting to try it out to see if I could break off that looming feeling of "commitment" to my husband. Feeling like he had control over that one thing as long as he withheld the divorce from me. Meaning that I couldn't sleep with anyone until the divorce was final. It actually worked for me. However, I also realize that I really got very lucky with that situation, because he was actually looking for the exact same thing as me. No huge emotional commitment. No specified "dates".

No one's feeling were hurt, it was there for when it was there and it was something we both needed at the time. However we were both free to go at any time too. We were very open and communicated about everything. I really don't think something like that is probably all to easy to come across. It seems like someones emotions almost always get in there and complicate things at some point. I'm still kind of in shock that I didn't get more emotionally involved. It would have been really easy to. He almost looked hurt when he broke the news to me that he was getting back with his ex and I was like, "Ok."

He got really quiet for a few minutes and I asked him if he was ok. He was like, "Yeah, I just can't believe you are still here and not freaking out completely. I was expecting you to either get up and walk out or pitch a fit of some sort and call me a bastard at least." LOL I was like, "Well, we said from the start we wouldn't get emotionally attached, right? And I didn't. Surprise!" I wish him the best. I really do. And if he called me today and needed anything, I'd do it if I could, because I care about him. But life is what it is. You take it and run with it, or roll around in the mire and wish things were different. I tend to do a little of both I suppose.

<nods>

You were in luck, finding an experience, a bond, like that, at right the moment. Sounds like you had a beautiful encounter, there, more one of friendship than of lovers, except the friendship was all about lovin'. Only happens a coupla times in a life, I'm guessing, that it works out like that. So good on you for having sought it out, making it work and breaking that 'spell'. Really - reason to be proud. You took care of yourself, when something was wrong. Thats always a good thing.

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ossobuco wrote:

Heph, I was in a bar the night my dad died. He was better and supposed to be transferred from ICU that next morning, and in a combo of relief and tension, I went out after work with a group...

I don't feel guilty for that, long story, but I don't want you to go through it. Call and check on his condition if you can later in the evening.

The other possibly weird thing I have to tell you is that death and sex are emotionally connected - the sex is a leap to life. I'm sure not telling you not to, but to have your eyes open.

I'm back for a little bit. I swung by work to pick up a six pack because after thinking about it I realized I just don't have the gumption to walk into a bar by myself. I'm such a chicken. So I thought I'd just come home and drink a few and go to bed instead. But my co worker is going out to a locals bar not to far away so... I'm going with him. It doesn't seem quite so intimidating that way. Smile

I'm not going looking for a one nighter though. Bawk Bawk... (As much as my hormones are telling me otherwise.) I just want to have a little fun tonight. To get out of the doom and gloom daily life that looms over me lately.

Osso, I'm sorry to hear about how things happened with your dad. I will call the nurses station a little later on to make sure he's ok though. Thanks. I'm interested in this death and sex are emotionally connected thing. Do you mind explaining that to me? That is very interesting.

nimh wrote:

hephzibah wrote:
I was having a fling for the last two months or so. But that was abruptly ended a week ago. Hence the once a week statement. :wink:

You had a once-a-week fling up till last week and you think you're sexually frustrated?!

Some people just dont know how good they have it..

Hehe... well it was more like once a day for a while there.

*sigh*

Those were the days....

(heph looks longingly out the window)

It kinda dwindled though as things progressed with the girl he got back with.

Dagnabit.

nimh wrote:

stuh505 wrote:
GW, The problem with dogs is people get really freaked out when they find out you've been sleeping with them.

hephzibah wrote:
One last thing before I call it a night. I don't remember exactly what I said a few months ago, but it was something along the lines of wanting to try it out to see if I could break off that looming feeling of "commitment" to my husband. Feeling like he had control over that one thing as long as he withheld the divorce from me. Meaning that I couldn't sleep with anyone until the divorce was final. It actually worked for me. However, I also realize that I really got very lucky with that situation, because he was actually looking for the exact same thing as me. No huge emotional commitment. No specified "dates".

No one's feeling were hurt, it was there for when it was there and it was something we both needed at the time. However we were both free to go at any time too. We were very open and communicated about everything. I really don't think something like that is probably all to easy to come across. It seems like someones emotions almost always get in there and complicate things at some point. I'm still kind of in shock that I didn't get more emotionally involved. It would have been really easy to. He almost looked hurt when he broke the news to me that he was getting back with his ex and I was like, "Ok."

He got really quiet for a few minutes and I asked him if he was ok. He was like, "Yeah, I just can't believe you are still here and not freaking out completely. I was expecting you to either get up and walk out or pitch a fit of some sort and call me a bastard at least." LOL I was like, "Well, we said from the start we wouldn't get emotionally attached, right? And I didn't. Surprise!" I wish him the best. I really do. And if he called me today and needed anything, I'd do it if I could, because I care about him. But life is what it is. You take it and run with it, or roll around in the mire and wish things were different. I tend to do a little of both I suppose.

<nods>

You were in luck, finding an experience, a bond, like that, at right the moment. Sounds like you had a beautiful encounter, there, more one of friendship than of lovers, except the friendship was all about lovin'. Only happens a coupla times in a life, I'm guessing, that it works out like that. So good on you for having sought it out, making it work and breaking that 'spell'. Really - reason to be proud. You took care of yourself, when something was wrong. Thats always a good thing.

Yeah, that's only happened to me once before, and we didn't have sex, we just had this weird connection from the moment we met. I still think about him sometimes and wonder where he's at and how he's doing. Too bad I can't remember his name any more. I might be able to find him if I could. I do wish it wasn't such a random thing for that to happen though.

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I have had more one night stands than I can count. I don't consider myself sleazy...just horny.

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Yeah. I can understand that. Definately. So, have you ever considered trying a relationship? Just curious really. It's neither here nor there if you have or haven't. If you are happy with how you live I think that's great actually.

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Actually, those one nighters were in my younger days. I rarely have them anymore. I am involved in a relationship now and have been pretty monogamous for years.

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there used to be this girl in Statesboro Gerogia that came to see me play at a club called The Flame.... she was almost stone deaf but could stand right in front of the speakers and feel the vibrations and dance and have a good time. She was also indescribably horny and would do anything and I mean anything. In the middle of nasty deeds I could say things like "Take this you skanky whore...." and she never complained. Later, she never wanted to talk. <sigh>

If not for squinney I might have married this near perfect woman.

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Had a good time last night. I don't think I've gotten that hammered in quite a while. And this morning... I remember why... blah...

I was out with two guys last night. Nice guys. We got drunk, went out for breakfast, and I went home, thankfully.

Nope.

Not going to be able to pull off a one nighter.

LOL

Oh... my head...

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Masturbation can be used as a substitute for one night stands. It is just as enjoyable and it's sex with someone you love.

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Sexually Frustrated

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