Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Courtesy of an A2Ker on Facebook

awww.....

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Coles.
The husband picks up a case of Tooheys New and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of Tooheys, and it's half the price.'

HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to this week's Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . .. Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . Dead!

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . Dead!

The fourth worm in good clean soil . . . . . . . . . . . Alive?!

So the Minister asked the congregation, "So, my friends? What did we learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't get worms!"

***

I heard it as drink plenty of whisky and you won't get crabs.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I first heard this as drink whisky and you won't get worms via Dave Allen in the early seventies.

I miss Dave Allen.

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place
had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker
could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the
tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican
woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by
woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted
the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the
so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able
to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet
neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:


Apparently, your pecker gets better when you're away from home...

***

I made this out of an old coffee table.

You should have kept the coffee table.

C I you are a precious commodity here!

I have a friend who is a Jehovah’s Witness. He tried to tell me a knock knock joke and got all pissed off when I ignored him...😬

Were you on the dunny?

Peanuts was one of my favorite cartoons when we subscribed to the newspaper. My wife just canceled our Sunday San Jose Mercury News.
From the time when we subscribed to so many magazines (such as Times, Newsweek, Sports Illustrated, Sunset), National Geographics, daily newspaper, and the WSJ, our only news outlet now is the TV. I wonder how many people still subscribe to magazines. We still see them at supermarkets and Costco.

You forgot my birthday again.