to err is human, to moo bovine...
@edgarblythe,
you know edgar, I love these jokes you post.
It reminds me of the jokes we used to tell while sitting around the construction site eating lunch .
@panzade,
Mostly I only post them if they appeal to me.
@edgarblythe,
What I'm trying to say you big galoot; is that I like your sense of humour.
Why shouldn't you tell secrets in a corn field?
There are too many ears!!! *rimshot*
Really bad joke from 1912
"No News or What Killed The Dog" by Nat Wills
A very wealthy man was advised by his physician to go to the mountains for a rest. He said, "You are run down from overwork, too close confinement and tending to your business. The only thing that will restore you to your normal condition is a trip to the mountains, go away where you will forget all about your business and your business associates. Isolate yourself from everyone for a month or six weeks and you may recuperate."
He went home, told the members of family what the doctor had said, and said, "I'm going to operate on his advice. Now while I'm away I don't want to be annoyed with letters or telegrams, in fact I'm going where I can't be reached by either."
So he went away and was gone about six weeks, returned to the city very much improved in health and very anxious for some news from home. Naturally as he had heard nothing during this time. Got off the train at the station and was met by his colored servant and the following conversation ensued:
He said, "Well Henry, how is everything at home? Is there any news?"
Says, "No Sir, there ain't no news sir". Says "There ain't nothing happened. Everything's just about the same as when you all left."
"Well," he said, "You know I am just dying for some word from home now. You can tell me any little thing, no matter how trifling."
Says, "No sir, ain't no news sir, ain't nothing to tell you sir, ain't nothing happened 'cept ah. . .there's just one little thing, course it don't amount to nothing, but long as you are so anxious to know, I'll tell ya. . .Since you've been away your dog died.
Oh, he says, "My dog's dead eh. Well that's too bad, what killed the dog?"
"Well sir, the dog, ah, the dog eat some burned horse flesh."
"And that's what killed the dog? Eat burnt horse flesh? Where did he get burnt horse flesh to eat?
"Well sir, see your barn burned down. Burned up all the cows and horses and after the fire had cooled off the dog went in and eat some of the burnt horse flesh and that's what killed the dog."
"Oh," he says, "my barn burned down, eh."
"Oh yes sir, the barn, that's all burned down, the barn."
"Well how did the barn catch fire?"
"Well you see a spark from the house flew over caught onto the barn and burned the barn down, burnt up all the cows and the horses and after the fire had cooled off, the dog went in ate some of the burnt horse flesh and that's what killed the dog."
"Oh," then he says, "my house must have burned too, eh?"
"Oh yes sir. Oh, the house, that's completely destroyed."
"Well how did the house catch fire?"
"Well you see they had some candles burning in the house and one of the candles caught on to the lace curtains and curtains caught onto the roof and a spark, a spark few over and caught onto the barn and burned the barn down, burnt up all the cows and the horses and after the fire had cooled off, the dog went in ate some of the burnt horse flesh and that's what killed the dog."
"They had candles burning in the house where I have gas and electricity? I never knew there was a candle in the place."
"Oh yes sir, they had the candles burning all around the coffin."
"Coffin! Who's dead?!"
"Oh yes sir, that's another little thing I overlooked. Since you've been away your mother-in-law died."
"Oh, my mother-in-law is dead, eh."
"Yes sir, yes sir, she's dead alright, no need to worry about that."
"Well what killed my mother-in-law?"
"Well I don't know exactly what killed her, sir, but around the neighborhood they say it was from the shock of your wife running away with your chauffeur, but outside of that sir, there ain't no news."
At a trial in a small Southern town in Georgia, the prosecutor called as his first witness an elderly,grandmotherly woman and asked her, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
"Why, yes,"she responded."I know you all right, Mr.Williams. I've known you since you were a boy and, frankly, you've been a great disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot but you haven't got the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit small-town paper pusher. Yes, I know you all right."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
"Why, yes I do," Mrs. Jones answered. "I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a young 'un, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. Hos law practice is one of the worst in the state, not to mention that he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
At this point the judge asked both counselors to approach the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said:
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
@Region Philbis,
Hah. That reminds me of one:
An ugly woman and her two kids are greeted by a Wal Mart greeter.
"Hello Ma'm those are cute twins you got there."
"Twins? Shauna is 8 and Jimmy is six .. why'd you think they were twins?"
"Well I couldn't believe you got laid twice"
Just saved a bunch of money on my lasik surgery by shining this laser pointer in my eye.
*high-fives cactus wearing a hat*
The Doctor said I need to drink more whiskey.. Also, I'm calling myself the Doctor now...
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I
was 'fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight over a belt when none of them are wearing pants?
What do an elephant and an octopus have in common?
They both live in the ocean ... except the elephant.
