Should I expose a cheater?

Ummm, I've been to the cheater twice also...not a pretty picture.


The first one~ When confronted nicely, with proof of his infidelity, he popped off something smart, stomped out of my door never to speak to me again for two years. Went right on back to the wife...and lived somewhat blissfully. I would like to add more about this man, but it wouldn't be relevant to this conversation.....


The second one~ Well, she was using me for her alibi. Her husband who was old enough to be my father, he was my best friend. I had met her...through him. He had married her, when I finally caught on that I was being used as her alibi, I confronted her, to which she denied everything, and stopped her husband and us from getting together. I was nothing more than a troublemaker. After the marriage disolved some 2 or 3 years later, her husband showed up and apologized to me.

Its a no win situation either way around....

Well I thank you all for your input and advise. To just let everyone who replied to this post in the end this is what I came up with.

I was considering the line of action I was for a couple reasons. First and for most was that I was, by both wife and husband, thrown into the middle of this, but I did not want to tell the wife directly what I had seen because the messenger tends to be the first shot, and I did not want to jeopordize my friendship with the wife simply because I was trying to do for her what she had expressed she wished someone to do since she was unable to do so herself.

Though I believed that my intentions were purely altruistic, and that I had no hidden agenda other than concern for her well being and emotional health, I felt that I needed to re-examine that a lot more closely and make sure that I was not being blind to some deep rooted, and hidden, feelings or agenda that would otherwise cloud my better judgement in this situation.

I decided not to follow through with my initial course of action. Though I think it best for her to know, since she does indeed want to know but honestly has no way to find out for herself, the concept of following the same path, that everyone else in her life has taken with her, did not sit well with me. Even though I felt strongly that my intentions were pure and would benefit her, the ends do not always justify the means, and to what ends I was considering, I would not have felt good about myself even if the outcome had been what was best for her.

Instead I will continue to do as I have for so many months now. I will continue to be there for her should she need to use me as a sounding board. I will continue to offer her any solace and comfort she may need as she tries to work through this on her own. And I will continue to push her to find out the truth for herself, should she really want to know with out a doubt what it is. Though my solution would have been the quickest fix to the problem, the potential for damage to my friendship with her was far to much of a risk for me to accept.

Also through the course of reading responses and listening to what others had to say, the common theme of me having some sort of alterior motive was brought up multiple times. At first the concept was laughable to me, as I had never once felt anything for this particular person aside from friendship, nor had I ever contemplated feelings for her that would have been considered inappropriate. However it was by those exact things that I realized that maybe I did have some feelings that I had allowed to blind me, and even cloud my better judgement when it came to this scenario. By not ever examining how I felt about everyone involved, and without searching my own feelings to make sure that I was doing what was best for her and not what I wanted to personally see, I allowed myself to ignore what could be possible signs that I do have feelings for this woman that extend beyond friendship and would indeed blind me to what is truly the right thing to do. I have no illusions about the fact that I can make mistakes, and that I can be blinded by things inside me that I am unaware of. But because of these uncertainties I am not in the best position to do anything than offer comfort and support when needed. If I do act in any other way how can I be sure that I am doing so in the best interest of her well being, and not for my own selfish personal gain. Until such time as I can be positive that nothing I do in this situation is for me, but instead everything is all for her and what she wants or needs, I feel I am incapable of extending my involvement beyond the level I am currently at. In the end knowing the truth about her husband, and for all those who asked I didn't need to see them rolling in the hay the extended mouth to mouth tonsil search was enough to get the picture, is not enough for me. I need to know for myself that my telling her is out of nothing but sheer concern for her and her situation.

Thanks again to those who replied, especially J_B, Brooke, Phoenix, and sozobe. Had it not been for you forcing me to look at this with completely open eyes, and not just the eyes I wanted to use, I may have made a very poor decision. Though I did indeed believe my intentions to be nothing but the best, sometimes the best intentions are fraught with disappointment.

That all sounds wise, Random Acts. Good luck, and I hope things work out well for your friend.

If anyone ever deserved a cyber hug, RA, it's you. Read Brooke's post again carefully. You might be able to help out in more ways than you know.

{{{Random Act}}}

Thank you J_B

I did indeed read brookes post again, and actually it's funny that she mentioned talking to my friend about the emotional abuse.

Last night after going home and pondering a lot about what had been said in the posts to that point, I decided to talk to her about that exact particular issue.

So last night that is exactly what we discussed, and I think that the revelation that she was not the only one to think that surprised her. It may be something she suspected for a long time, but until someone else mentioned it to her, she believed she was seeing things or over reacting to things. I think that for the first time in a long time, she finally felt as if she was not crazy or wrong, and that by someone else confirming for her that she is indeed in a heavily controlled and abusive situation, it gave her something that she needed to start the long road to evaluating if this is the right life for her.

In the end, any subconscious feelings aside, I do know I only want what is best for her, and hopefully what ever insight I can give, coupled with the insight I have gained from those here who offered it, will help her find her own road, to what she is looking for. Best I can do now is stand by her, and support her, as she heads down whatever path she takes from this point.

And I'll see what I can do about steering her towards more qualified and professional guidance than myself, as she will need quite a bit of help and counsel during this time.

I wouldn't go up to a stranger or someone I knew but wasn't close with and threaten them about their affair.

RA, after rereading this entire thread, I realise that you have not officially been welcomed to A2K. It's tradition here and was forgotten, probably for reasons of passion on the topic. Allow me to be the first. Welcome to A2K, Random Act. I hope you stick around. Keep us posted, as you are willing, and take a look around the site. You might like what you see.


<and I managed to get a dinner date in the process, so thank you, too >

Thoughtful post there, RA.

RA--

I'm glad we've been helpful.

J_B--

You and I don't often disagree on topics in Relationships & Marriage, but even when you are presenting a point of view that isn't mine, you argue well.

Getting joefromChicago in the R&M forum was a brilliant idea.
Enjoy dinner.

JoefromChicago--

Welcome to R&M--lock, stock and piano.

Thank you, Noddy. I'm sure dinner will be terrific, and I agree with your thought that joe belongs here on R&M.

RandomActs- That's the thing about an abusive relationship. The person is so controlled that to her, it seems "normal". What is worse, often the abuser controls the abusee to the point where she thinks that the abuse is her fault, that she has done something wrong to elicit that response from her spouse.

I am very pleased with the direction that you are taking. And it is true, that you have not been officially welcomed to A2K, by me at least.

So a hearty welcome to you!!!

Thank you for the warm welcome. I am glad that as you helped me, in seeing some of the errors I was in danger of making, that you to were able to get something out of it Enjoy your date



Thank you, I am glad to be here. Initially I just was looking for advice on this particular issue. But after surfing through other threads I have found both things I have experienced and can give what insight I might have on, as well as things that resemble questions I have myself. So I think I am going to be around for a while

Thanks. Honestly, I can't imagine how you were able to get along without me.

I had an affair without my consent
I met an old school friend who I used to have a crush on at school. He fed me wonderful lines, and I fell for them. I told him that I was divorced. He told me that he was single. We started seeing each other, five months into the relationship he came clean, after a lot of questioning. He gave me the story about how he and is wife are having a bad time etc... To cut the long story short his sister told me that they had a great wedding and he still very much in love with her. So now I don't know what to do. I have broken up with him off course but I feel his wife needs to know all that has gone on. To top it all he gave me Chlamydia. His family don't know about us, all they know is that we were are old school friends. How do i get him back?????

Re: I had an affair without my consent



Hello anp380, welcome to A2K.

First, congrats for breaking off the relationship. I understand how angry and hurt you feel but I'm a bit confused about the later part of your post. By getting him back, do you mean you're looking for revenge or that you'd like to rekindle the relationship? I'm guessing you meant the former and will reply accordingly.

Depending on where you live, Chlamydia is a reportable STD and the health care provider who treated you would have asked you for a list of all of your sexual contacts. That list will be turned over to public health officials and they will pursue notification of everyone on your ex BF's list of contacts. Who knows, maybe he got it from his wife?

You're putting a lot of faith on his sister's comments. You say above that his family doesn't know about your involvement and I'm assuming that includes the sister who told you how happily married he is. What did he say when you broke it off?

My advice on what to do? Nothing at this point - put this episode behind you and move on with your life. What do you hope to gain by telling his family?

Where did he get Chlamydia?? Sounds like someone has committment issues and you may not be the only one he's been cheating with. I shouldn't be talking...I've been in your shoes recently(fortunately not on the Chlamydia part)

I had an affair without my consent
Yes the former
In the Uk i don't think they do that.(there is no need for the family to suspect me as they know we are good friends. His sister and i were talking about work but i sliped it into the conversation) (He could't understand why, i think he has other girls on the go. Because if they are so in love then who gave him the STD)

(His poor wife should know the kind of man she is married to)

[[/QUOTE]

Well i agree something is not right in this marriage. He is such a charmer!! He is amazing person at work with the gift of words!!

Just my opinion here...I don't think his wife needs to hear from you. She may end up just angry with you and not him. Then this could spiral and before you know it more people may be angry with you.Either way, does she really need to experience the pain. He has to live with himself and his lies.

anp380,

I'd be happy to chat more if you want to start a new thread...