Should I expose a cheater?

joe - that is the most ridiculous analogy I have ever heard.

This brings to mind all the abuse threads where many out and out tell the original poster to leave. Sorry, I tend to tangent..

My answer off hand is that the correct course is to give people information so they can make informed decisions.

In this situation, the information (guy is seen with other woman) is putative, they may not have done the deed, even if seen leaving Come Easy Motel. But let's say our poster had talked with husband and knew he was out there adulterating for sure. Wives often know and decide not to know.

I still vote it's interference in a private situation, given wifey knows that there may be some viral (or other similar) danger afoot.

Ok, I can almost get to this point. I'm not sure RA is a disinterested party and could get past the ulterior motive clause, but I agree in theory - sortof, sometimes, maybe.

If you think that I'm equating a falling piano with a failing marriage, rather than simply comparing them, then I'm sorry you wasted your time reading my post.


Explain why you think I'm wrong.

And yours is the most pointless post I've ever read, so I guess we're even.

You've weighted your comparison... a thousand feathers falling wouldn't impel a friend to save a friend.

Joe, you forgot one:

(6) Friend is making inaccurate assumptions about how Wife views the descending piano.

And that's why relationships are not like pianos. It is generally a very safe assumption that one would not want to have a piano land on one. It is a less safe assumption that one would want to be told by an acquaintance about infidelity. Note, I am not saying that you would not want to be told, or that everyone would not want to be told -- simply that these things vary to a greater extent than "I do not want a piano to fall on me."

Possible reasons a person would not want to be told a spouse is cheating include:

1.) The person is in denial. She actually knows, but is still processing at the conscious level. She may find it easier to stay in denial. While he may have opinions one way or another, this is not a decision for "friend" to make for her.

2.) The person knows, and is scared of the outcome (what happens when she has to confront the husband), and is putting it off.

3.) The person has no idea, but would much prefer to find out herself than to be told by a friend. This is especially pertinent when she is already suspicious and is probably close to finding things out herself. This is a pride issue for many people.

4.) The person suspects that "friend" has ulterior motives for dishing dirt on her husband, and especially if she finds out he staged... staged... the incriminating event, at the very least that friendship would be destroyed, and possibly she would decide that if he could stage that, the whole thing is false and she'll take her husband's word over the "friend"'s and stay with her husband, anyway.

That's just a start, because I'm being interrupted and it's taking too long. Suffice it to say -- relationships are not pianos.

I see that this is somewhat similar to one of mine:



Here's the problem -- how can you say with any certainty that, for the wife, knowing is better than not knowing?

Scenario A:

Friend tells wife. Wife freaks. Wife divorces husband. Children are torn between two households and major marital strife. Wife is left bitter and suspicious of all men and becomes a worse, less patient mother than she would've been otherwise.

Scenario B:

Friend doesn't tell wife. Husband wises up, of his own accord. Husband eventually tells wife, taking complete responsibility and apologizing profusely and sincerely. Wife is upset but is impressed with how Husband has handled it. Husband is completely clean. Husband and Wife go to counseling. Husband and Wife emerge with a relationship that is stronger than ever. They stay together for the rest of their lives, being good parents and good partners.

I am not saying that one scenario or the other applies here -- I'm saying how can you KNOW? You simply can't in the way that you can know that being squashed by a piano or a car are both bad outcomes.

Perhsp you should get photos and simply pretend you're going to expose him. Then ask for some cash --- never mind.

Alright, let me throw in my two cents worth...

I was one of them friends about a year ago. For 20 years my best friend and I talked everyday, knew everything there was to know about one another. I even knew her husband was cheating, and with whom.

I kept my mouth shut.

Why? Because no amount of finger pointing, and back biting was going to make her believe it. She did not want to see it, she was blissfully happy during fleeting moments. The time in which she wasn't happy, she was suspicious. Of course, I would have done nailed him to the wall if it had been myself, but I played the friend role...Never actually stated what I believed or knew...just told her that he would make me suspicious also, pointed out a few key components that she chose to miss...slyly, but never come out and spoke those words.

Well, about a year ago, my opportunity come about. In an angry battle between the two, he told her he wanted out of their marriage, that he had never loved her, then left. Afterwards, she point blanked asked me my opinion. I told her...

I mentioned it once...not to bring it up again. She still had hopes of it working out. She didn't want to leave him, he was her life.

A few weeks later..maybe a month or so, she asked me to go and find proof. Part of me wanted too, to get her out of the marriage, because she deserved better, part of me didn't want too.

But it wasn't real hard to get the proof, he had parked his vehicle at his girlfriend's gated apartment complex....what little did he realize, but on the weekends...they left the gates open and people could travel freely through them.

I traveled in, took pics of his vehicle, called her like she asked me to. It wasn't long till she arrived, while standing in front of his vehicle she placed that phone call that ended it all. (In the meantime, I thought we were going to go to jail, she had a good mind to dismantle his truck)


To make this long story short, if I had it to do all over again, would I? No!

Why? Because of the amount of pain that I inflicted on her. I had my moments when I didn't think we were going to make it through one day to the next. I regret it to this day, even with it working out in her favor and she's never been happier, she still suffered.

But the agony, the pain...and the hurt that I feel I inflicted by finding that proof, I don't know if I will ever forgive myself. I know that he caused that pain initially, but I really socked it to her.

You don't know what risk you run by interferring. Will she hurt herself? Hurt him? Do you want to take that chance....? I didn't think my friend would do half of what she did after she found out...I knew her for 20 years!!!! And let me tell you, when she pulls out of a driveway leaving you standing there in her dust...because she's pissed...then tries to run someone over, wrecking her truck, the girlfriends truck, and tries to run it through a house......it changes all the rules to the game.

Are you ready for that?

Nope, I'm still stuck on the self determination aspect of the assessments. There are situations where Friend might be convinced he meets all of these criteria but he is only able to look at it from his own perspective. He isn't able to see the relationship from Wife's perspective - primarily because it's a relationship he isn't involved in - so how could he possibly assess what the impact will be on her? And, which should be more important, his good intentions or her reality?

Note - I'm not saying that a friend shouldn't cousel someone to abandon an abusive relationship, which supposedly is the ulterior motive in this case, but the use of the knowledge of the infidelity in the manner described is underhanded.

So, just curious: who here would rather not be told, if you were in the wife's position?

Me!

I certainly would find out myself (eventually) but I would resent the
person who butt into my life in that intrusive manner. Friend or no
friend, at this point the friendship would be over.

... and again...that IS the bottom line here.

The person who spells out undeniably that hubby is cheating will be the HEAVY and, as such, resented. It is up to the wife to do what is needed here and NO ONE ELSE.

Id be more annoyed that my friend didnt tell me.

it's a difficult situation either way

Having never been in an abusive situation, or been manipulated my entire life, I can't really say I know what her situation entails. From my own perspective and my own life, if I was suspicious I would want to decide for myself what I 'knew'. She might very well know already, but it's up to her to get whatever facts or evidence she decides she wants to have.

Taking Shiver's story a step further and applying it to this case, what would Random do if, instead of leaving her manipulative husband, she shot him or ran over him with a truck? One never really knows what events they are triggering when interfering in someone else's life.

ok, if you can only relate to a silly analogy of a falling piano....

Why isn't the friend up on the roof montoring the person up on the roof about to let the piano drop?



This friend should not be taking this information to the spouse, for reasons that have been stated well several times, by many posters.

The friend needs to be going to the supposed cheater, talking to him/her about it. That's the person who is the problem. Work it from there.

The going to the person who may or may not be cheated on smacks of adolescent behavior, gossip and even cruelty.

OK, for a different, I believe better analogy.....

Your friend works a job and is being underpaid, but doesn't know it. He/she is happy with the pay and the job.

You know he/she is being underpaid, and that the employer is using their innocence to take advantage of them.

I'm not going to go to the underpaid person immediately and tell them, for several reasons.

They may not feel secure enough to approach the boss for a raise. They don't want to rock the boat. They're afraid of being fired. A million other reasons.

I would go to the employer and let them know that I am aware this person is being underpaid in relation to others who are doing the same work.

This would be in the hopes that either the employer would make the situation right, for fear of being exposed.

Or take the final decesion that he doesn't want this person as an employee, bringing the issue out.

In other words....it's taking the letter to the right address.

The problem is not the person being cheated on, it's the cheater.

If someone has the balls to tell someone what's going on, they also need to have the brain to tell the right person.

If you tell the cheatee, they will go to the cheater and say, Chai told me you were cheating. Of course that's in so many words, the fact you told will come out.

If you tell the cheater you know, he's not going to go to the spouse and say, Chai knows I'm cheating. But he knows the jig is up.

In addition to taking the letter to the right address, it's also pushing on the right lever to move the situation.

I'd rather lose a friendship and save her from a lifetime of misery because she doesn't know what her cad of a husband is doing.

I'd sacrifice a friendship to open the eyes of someone I cared deeply about.

what if she killed him, bella?