Should I expose a cheater?

No, butt out. She is already suspicious and can decide for herself whether or not she wants him busted. Your job, as her friend, is not to show her reality but to support her in whatever position she chooses to take in coping with her own version of it.

That's tough. If there's a way to expose him anonymously, I would do it. If there isn't... I think in the end I would still do it. I'd certainly want someone to tell me--especially a friend--if I were in her place.

Would you be exposing him for selfish reasons? In other words, look at your motives for exposing the guy. You don't say if you are a male or a female, but if you are doing so because you have a romantic interest in her, then don't. If you have no romantic interest, then I don't see a problem with busting the guy. He deserves it.

Of course, keep in mind, busting him could lead to problems for you. Maybe they decide to work things out and stay together. You may become very unwelcome because you would be seen by him as the cause of the difficulty, and she may not wish to see you as you would be a reminder of the whole affair. So if you are willing to risk that, then I would go for it.

Of course, you could take a different route initially. Why not go to him and let him know you are aware of what he is doing. Give him the opportunity to end the affair and make things right with his wife. This assumes you know him well enough to talk to him about it.

Gosh, reading back over this, I'm not sure if this helps you or not. But good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Coastal Rat- Again, I agree. Random Acts is putting herself in a peculiar position. She may find that she has lost a friend.



Random- I am curious as to why you spied on your friend's husband. It seems like a peculiar thing to do. It would be one thing for a friend to inadvertently discover that the guy is cheating, but to specifically "keep an eye on him", sounds very strange to me.

I would like to know what YOUR agenda is!

Ok that is a fair enough question. So let me lay it out a bit more so that maybe it helps people in their understanding, which always leads to better advise.

First off my agenda is simply this, I care about this friend an enormous amount, but not in the way that once she breaks up with her husband that I want to swoop in and grab her up, but in a way as that I want to see her happy and with someone who appreciates her for who she is.

For 2 years she has not been happy, except for during sporadic moments (her words not mine). This alone bothers me, as one would think that after that long a time you get the idea to move on. But she has stayed because, as she said, her family as put an enormous amount of pressure on her to work through it.

Over those last 2 years her husband has treated her as an object, good for only one thing, and when not involved in that aspect of their relationship, she is non-existent to him.

She puts forth 100% of herself into this relationship, and gets only about 10% of that returned from him in the form of affection and caring. The other 90% is presented in the form of ridicule, suspicion, lying, and yelling.

My personal involvement is that I am her friend. Simply and plainly. I took it upon myself to follow her husband, because I wanted to confirm my suspicions as well as hers. It was that I thought he was cheating, based not only things she told me, but on my own observations as well.

And the only thing that allows me to consider this course of action, is that in doing what I have in mind, she would be able to find out for herself of his actions, without knowing it was me that allowed her to do so.

Random- OK, I hear what you are saying. It sounds like your friend is in an emotionally abusive relationship. Often, it is very difficult for a woman in that kind of relationship to break the ties that bind her to the relationship. It is a process, and often slow. The aspects of her personality that led her to accept the relationship, are the same things that will make it difficult for her to leave.

My advice to you is to let her know, and offer your emotional support, but in a loving, gentle way.

I stand by my original post. You say she is devoted to him, yet suspicious. Unless she is powerless to get more information about him on her own, or has straight out asked for your involvement, she is choosing to remain suspicious and not more informed and you are putting your nose where it doesn't belong.

Did you actually see them in the act of coitus? Were you standing outside the bedroom window? Was it great? Sorry, I don't condone this kind of thing.

I concur with J-B and others - this is not your business to "fix".

Rather than busting his infidelity, why don't you counsel her to get out of the relationship on the merits of what you've posted here? Let her know that you're ready to help her in the transition, or in any way that she asks, but his extra-marital antics are not the problem here.

If my spouse were cheating on me and I found out that my friends knew about it but didn't tell me, I'd be devastated.

If I found out that my friends knew about it because they had stalked my spouse without talking to me about it first, I'd get new friends.

At one point I believed that informing a wife about her husband's philandering was busy-body meddling and an invasion of privacy.

Over the years, I've changed my mind.

STD's have to be a concern. He may "usually" use a condom with his girlfriend, but never use a condom with his wife.

Fifty years ago the accepted wisdom was that "Men will wander and women will sorrow." Women would lose both status and financial security in a divorce. The family had to be held together "for the sake of the children".

I feel a friend--male or female--who knows of a spouse's infidelity and keeps silent is condoning that infidelity and betraying the friendship. Allowing a friend to preserve an illusion of an intact marriage--particularly one in which she is unhappy--is deceit.

Yeah. Especially when this friend is a male -- as it sounds like you are, Random Acts? It's just too easy to ascribe a questionable motivation to your behavior, even if in fact your motivation is as pure as the driven snow.

Share your concerns, support her suspicions if she brings it up (not like, "You're right to be suspicious, I saw him ____," but "Oooh, that doesn't sound good. What would you do if it turns out to be cheating?" [as in, help her mentally prepare for it without saying anything about whether he is or not]), and that's it. I think you at least a little bit see yourself in a hero role, I think that's dangerous thinking that's likely to backfire on you.

Good luck.

I have already counseled her on these matters, but she is very much still under the control of not only her family, but his and him as well. She is a very young woman, and is still naive when it comes to certain aspects of life. Because of prior things that she has gone through in her life, primarily the way that her family and now her husband have and still treat her, she knows no other form of affection and love than what she is currently experiencing. His infidelity is not so much the issue, as much as it is the straw that breaks the camels back. The other issues that she has put up with, are the main things that will cause the final split, she is just looking (and yes she has expressed this) for that final thing that will push her over the edge and give her the courage to move on with her life.

In regards to his infidelity, I do not plan on pointing it out in an obvious manner, or even in a manner in which she will ever know that I was involved. She has become suspicious of it due to things she has observed, but due to his controlling and over possessive nature, she feels incapable of ever getting the proof that she needs. The particular thing that gave her thoughts that he was being unfaithful, is something he now knows of, since she confronted him about it, and is something that I would assume he will be very careful about from now on, leaving her in a position of having less of a chance to prove this to herself so she can get what she needs to move on.

I am simply proposing to "re-create" this particular issue. There will be nothing to link the recreation to myself, and it will allow her to see him for who he is. Yes I know that he will be getting busted for something he did not in fact do, but he did not do it this time. He has on more than one occassion in the past, and has gotten away scott free. So though he will be innocent this time, at least in regards to what I am thinking, he will finally be getting what he deserves for all the times past that he has made a clean get away.

I'd give them a chance to explain themselves before I chucked 'em. Being out a spouse is bad enough; being out a spouse and old friends has to be much worse.

You are playing a very dangerous game, RA.

I am aware of that, and I know that the potential for disaster is great. I suppose that is what brought me to this forum, as I know how much I am risking in doing this, but if it's the only way, I wonder if it's worth it.

Get pictures, videos, hotel receipts etc. Then put them in an anonymous package and mail them off to her.