The Herpes Thread!

what about the goodnight kiss on the first date. You know, you're standing under the ladies's house door, and you gaze into each others eye, and then you ask for a permission to kiss her. She says yes, your noses almost touch, and then you say: "I need to inform you that I have a history of herpes simplex, though I have not had an outbreak for a few months. You don't mind, do you...?"

Ha! Not...

I wish it were that simple. In actuality, that lady would have to know her partner well enough to know that:

1. That he was educated about STDs and cold sores and able to recognize the symptoms in himself.
2. That he had health care available to him to obtain testing and diagnosis.
3. That health care professional provided thorough, up to date scientific information to him about the "cold sore".
4. That the man cared enough about himself to take it seriously, listen to that information and become aware of his body and state of health.
5. That that man cared enough about her to allow her to make informed choices about contact with him by communicating with her.
6. That he was trustworthy enough to maintain that care about himself and her for the duration of that relationship.

I think she was joking... ;-)

The problem is that it is not a joke. That is exactly what someone with cold sores or herpes or any other contagious illness needs to do (and what others depend upon them to do). The sad part is that too many people do think of it as a joke and we end up regretting their moment of carelessness for the rest of our lives.

Abstinence or marriage just aren't the easy black and white answers some segments of society fool themselves into believing.

I dunno, Butrflynet (though as soon as I posted I realised that such a reply would come).

No, I dont think of this topic as a joke. And of course one should take all precautions - like the ones Dag described a few posts above. But to expect someone who's had a cold sore at some point in time, but isnt having one / hasnt had one in months, even years, to go through the routine Dag just described on a first date, with a date (s)he's just met, before the first kiss, just ... strikes me as unrealistic.

The risk involved - to, possibly, transmit oral, not genital, herpes, if it happens to be that one day ahead of a sore that you cant notice it yet, when the sore is there just once every many months, even years, strikes me as too small to condemn someone to basically forgetting about ever kissing a new date again for.

Ehmm ... <dons helmet and waits for incoming fire>

yeah. it strikes me that the common cold sore may even be trickier to communicate early enough than genital herpes. that is, unless you jump with strangers into bed straight away there should be intimacy enough before first sex to communicate the necessary. but with a cold sore... i just don't know. when is the right time? when you meet someone? say, at the bar? "Hey, babes. Here's my phone number, why don't you call me sometimes. By the way, I have herpes?" Or when you're about to kiss them (absurd) or when? It's just so.... impossible. Not to take it lightly, butterflynet, just pondering at how difficult it is.

How do we prevent the spread when timing and condoms are not fool-proof? Where the hell is that vaccine! Hopefully the generations growing up in the post-chicken pox vaccination years will see a major curtailing in herpes transmition.

I think the rate for adults with either HSV-1, HSV-2 or both is like 80%.

OR.

Perhaps we can all just take a step back, look at the numbers, think about the disease and shrug. It doesn't kill you, it doesn't seem likely to cause complications that will kill you unless you are already immuno-compromised. It's literally a pain in the ass, but if we take the stigma out of it, perhaps it won't be quite so devastating.

well, #2 sounds certainly more feasible.. Perhaps a combination of the two : precaution/meds in and stigma out!

[And Dasha home. Sitting in a dark office like a dumb fool. I could be a2k-ing from the kitchen, having a beer!]

Well..... there is never a single silver bullet for any complex problem. I am want all options in action.

Totally agree with Little K & Dag there...

<takes helmet off>

Now, if only the suppressing meds were cheaper!

Aren't they covered by your health insurance?

They would be if I hadn't downgraded my health insurance. $20 with subscription and $70 without it.

I'm following this thread with great interest.

I have a teenage son who's gotten "the talk",
but I never really addressed this issue of cold sores.
I can't say that I've totally understood al the implications
myself.

Having read all of the above, I'm trying to put together
some words of wisdom. Any suggestions?

Note that the boy and I have a reasonably good relationship.
He is hellaciously embarrassed when I discuss such things,
but he doesn't tune out.

Talk about the way society has handled the stigma of herpes versus the false sense of safety given to the "cold sore." Reinforce the facts that cold sores are a form of the herpes virus and require the same amount of caution and responsibility to inform.

Explain the nature of herpes and how it is transmitted and that transmission is not restricted to sexual intercourse, that the virus can enter the body at any location it comes in contact if there is an opening such as a cut, scrape, acne, blister, severely chapped lips, etc. You might show him pictures of "cold sores" aka herpes from the internet so he'll better recognize them on others. Be sure to tell him that there is no cure for it at this time and no way to protect himself other than relying on others to be honest and responsible. Explain that condoms give some protection during sexual intercourse, but remind him of the other ways the virus is transmitted.

Emphasize the importance of protecting himself and others through honest communication, knowledge and trust between couples. Talk about protecting himself by taking things slowly to allow that communication and trust to build between the partners before making the decision to become intimate.

Give him some reassurance in knowing that herpes isn't usually life threatening. Explain the unusual circumstances when it can be life threatening and why you're concerned that he be cautioned. Tell him about the research being done to find a vaccine so people will be able to protect themselves rather than depend on others to be responsible.


And George, let me be the first to thank you for having such a conversation with your son. You're both very fortunate to have such a good relationship that allows it to occur. I applaud you for that.

George, I dunno what to tell you except to be honest and give as much info as you can without over-whelming him..... GOOD luck!