Men and Women ~ Can They Be JUST Friends?

I, like Sozobe have had some painful experiences when I've attempted a platonic relationship with a man. If the man is not the type to interest me sexually and me not him, we're both fine. But sexual feelings, when they're present, have always complicated a "just friends" situation for me. And not acting on sexual feelings is just very frustrating for me. It's not that I can't do it. Psychoanalysts and psychotherapists encounter this all the time. Frustration is a part of any in depth therapy. But if I'm not getting paid to do it, frustrate myself or someone else, it's better to not try to maintain a relationship with someone when it will eventually mean having to give someone up.

Hmmmm - I have a number of very close male friends - with friendships now enduring for decades.

Sometimes the sexual question has come up - sometimes not. It seems to me that it can usually be dealt with pretty easily, unless one or other is a bit obsessive or something. I am not, so I have had strong sexual attractions to at least two of them - which I believe were reciprocated - but, since they are married, these were not acted on nor even really discussed (except in a symbolic sort of a way) and I am friends with their partners, too. The sexual aspect of our feelings have simply settled and I value the friendships more than I can say.

A couple of the guys are exes - and this seems to cause no problems, either.

I lived in share houses for a long time - when I was a student and beyond - so I am used to intimate proximity with men in relationships that are very platonic - nothing like very close contact over a long period to de-glamourise things!!!

Certainly, gay men are wonderful friends and I really value those relationships, too - but I really have no problems with friendships with straight blokes, too.

And women, of course!

Men and women can be good friends if that is what they want. I have had and have many good male friends. My closet friend is a guy, we have been friends for over 25 years. Sometimes his wife, he was not married when we became friends, seems a little jealous but we deal with it. I have a friend from school coming to Texas in a few months to stay here while he does a job search, he is much younger than I am but we have lived together and traveled together in the past with not problems. As Deb said above but I value my friends and would never ruin a good relationship with sex.

Without getting into detail, maybe it is possible, but I don't suggest it, especially during marriage, unless that best friend of the opposite sex is your spouse.
I don't see the sense of bringing additional potential problems into a marriage, by befriending someone of the opposite sex.

To answer this question "No" reveals doubts about your own sexuality.

No.

By the way, I disagree, billhank.

Good point, williamhenry.

Why do you disagree, maxdadeo?

For all of the same reasons Billy Crystal listed in, "When Harry met Sally".

Hmm - well, if all those reasons really pertain, how come so many male/female friendships work on an effectively platonic level?

All the coupled people I know socially (as opposed to professionally) habe a wide variety of friends of both sexes.....

pertain, butane, Chi Coltrane, all I know is this.
A man will be sexually attracted to a female whom he considers attractive and is "in play"
(I believe it was Cary Grant who said, that "The law protects 'em under 16 and God protects 'em over 60, but everyone else is fair game" I am paraphrasing, but you get the drift)

Having said that, my best friend is Maximom, but she is also my wife.

But non-spousal friends of the opposite sex?

That sounds a little too Noel Coward for me.

For example, I think it would be a recipe for disaster if I were to try and be good friends with, say, Lola for instance.

Why? Because I am hard-wired that way, that is why.

dlk has said it better than I.

Hmm - it seems one man's hard wire is another man's flexi-cord...

There are exceptions for every situation.

I have one, just one, female friend. I just get along better with men. (Never mind that I like beer and football.....I'm sure that has nothing to do with it.)

I get along much better with men then women also, that's exactly why not having outside male friends is the best choice for me.
I don't feel the need to put myself in the eye of temptation.
I wouldn't feel comfortable with my spouse having female friends either, which may have something to do with own insecurities, I don't know.
Others might suggest it has something to do with lack of trust. There may be something to that. I trust my husband, but things happen.
If you don't put yourself in the position for "things" to happen, there's a pretty good chance they won't.
For those couples willing to take that chance, more power to you.
My life is fulfilling enough with whatever time I have being spent with my spouse who is my best friend, and my children.
I'm with Maxsdadeo on this one. I think he understands exactly where I'm coming from.

I do agree with Misti. It seems to be more difficult for men to keep it on a 'friendship' level. I have a very good male friend whom I've known for about ten years. My life has changed a lot since then - the most important change, of course, was me getting married. For all these years, we didn't see each other a lot because we lived too far apart. However, we kept in touch by phone. Now he moved to our part of the country and visited me/us several times. My husband and he get along very well. My friend also thinks that my husband and I are the perfect couple. So I enjoy this friendship even more.

urs53 ~ good for you guys!

absitively dlk. Well spoken.

I dunno, I dunno. I've argued for men and women being just friends many a time, and have seen it work MANY many times. As I mentioned earlier, though, my own personal examples turned out to not be such great examples. Others were fine, though, especially workplace friendships.

Most of the male friends I've made, I've made through work. And those friendships have sustained.