Men and Women ~ Can They Be JUST Friends?

I absolutely think that men and women CAN be friends. The problem starts when there is a "significant other" in the picture. If the S.I. has a problem with jealousy, the person might have to make a choice.

I had a dear male friend. It started out as an affair, which quickly cooled, but the friendship grew. This guy was really THERE for me. I felt that I owed him, big time.

When I started dating my husband, we talked about this man. He was very uncomfortable about the whole relationship, most likely 'cause I had shot my mouth off about the beginnings of it. (What the hell, I was young!).

Anyhow, I made a decision that I would break off contact with this guy. I told him, and he understood. Do I regret it? Sure. Did I do the right thing? Probably. It would have always been a sore spot with my husband.

Anyhow, some years ago, my husband did business with this man. At first he did not realize who he was. One day he called on business, and we got to talking. At first he was very stiff, but after a few minutes, it was just like it was years ago. Maybe someday we will touch bases again!

I've had a few really uncomfortable experiences with this. My answer for years had been "yes, of course!", but then two examples I'd held up turned out to not be good examples at all. I'm not sure if I can tell or not, and I've been a bit wary of striking up close male friendships since.

Generally, either two people who are happily in relationships with others, or two people NOT in relationships so if something were to happen, it is free to happen, seems to work best.

Oh, one more thing, though... sexual orientation. Have maintained several perfectly wonderful non-icky (dynamics wise) friendships with gay guys. I like men, and it's so nice to absolutely not worry about it!

Thanks for sharing that story, Phoenix.....

I wonder....what did your hubby have to say about the business meeting with your 'friend'?

Well, there was really NO problem, and later we laughed about it.

I think it's possible, in rare cases.

I think very few men can have platonic relationships, the sex thing always gets in the way.

On the other hand, females enjoy having males friends and are more adept at keeping it on a platonic level.

I think it's very important to be friends before you are lovers, then on a higher plane, maintain that friendship through the various levels of your relationship, should the friendship turn into a romantic relationship.

I could be all upside down on this, my gut instinct is men have a difficult time keeping the friendship on a friendly basis.

Remember the movie, "My Best Friends Wedding"? Good example.

I think it is far easier for the younger generation than for oldies like me. Much of the mystique of the opposite sex has been washed away thanks, in part, to coed dormitories. When you've got the boys and the girls wandering about half asleep in the a.m. with hair all messed up, etc. you tend to see each other as just another person rather than another sex.

My son and my daughter both have friends of the opposite sex. In my son's case, one of his female friends has become very good friends with his significant other and my son, in turn, is quite friendly with a male friend of his significant other (although efforts to fix the two friends have failed). Is that as confusing as I think it is?

My daughter has had a little less luck -- she is the type of cute sweetheart that the guys really like a lot (when she was about a year old and in the car seat, the guy pumping gas into my car commented on what beautiful eyes she had and it's been a 'problem' ever since). More often than not, guys she thinks are just friends, somewhere along the way develop crushes on her which complicates her life no end.

Wasn't "My Best Friend's Wedding" about _Julia Roberts'_ character having a hard time keeping things on a just-friends basis?

I've certainly seen it go both ways... I'm not at all sure it can be broken down by gender.

Hi sozobe! I guess 'uncomfortable' is a great word when referring to this subject.

It's only been in recent years that I have enjoyed friendships with men and I would hope that I would never have to choose between a friend and a significant other.

Good question. I think it boils down to the individuals involved. I have a number of female friends for whom I feel no particular sexual attraction. They're just friends. The problem arises if one of them should mistake this feeling of friendship for something else and try and act on it. It's tricky.

It's never an easy task.

I've found true friendship with women whose partner I knew and appreciated.
I've found true friendship with women at the times I've been more in love with my wife.
I've found it hard to mantain a friendship in that level, when neither of these conditions are met.
I've known women who have male friends that stay as such (the best ones are gay men), and women who have developed relationships from the friendship.

But these are exceptions. Mutual attraction comes naturally.

fbaezer.....lol.....I've had a few of those friendships with gay men and have found them to be unreliable in the long term! And I really miss them!

I've never had a close male friend where sexual needs didn't come up sooner or later. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but once the feelings get sexual, an easy, relaxed friendship just isn't there any more.

Most of my very best friends have been male, without any sexual feelings ever entering the relationship. My daughter is the same way!! It must be hereditary!! My daughter's ex-boyfriend had some problems with her having male friends. That's why he's the "ex"-boyfriend!!

Peace and Love
Sandra

Peace and Love: That's a shame about your daughters ex-boyfriend. It's too bad people can't be comfortable with things like that. What it boils down to is, they are not grounded in themselves or rather well-centered. They are insecure and therefore they think everyone else is to be untrustworthy.

Hi Misti.....

Actually, her "ex" is now one of her friends!!! They talk on the phone every day. He is dating someone else and he's waiting to see if his current girlfriend will have a problem accepting his friendship with a female / ex-girlfriend.

The circle goes 'round........

Shame on you Misty!
My wife and I have both maintained close friendships with members of the opposite sex. It started early on in our marriage. I was a School Psychologist and on many occasions had to go to 3-day conferences with 4 women. My wife is a nurse and spends a lot of time on the road (up to 7 months) and has a good number of male friends she stays in contact with. At home we often go to lunch with friends of the opposite sex and it has not caused no concern between us. I've been associated with far too many interesting and intelligent women in the past and the same is true of my wife in her relationship with men. Have I, at times been sexually interested in some? Yes and I consider ther same to be true of my wife. The strength come in weighing the consequences on acting upon that attraction with regard to our marriage. I think that Andrews
's point that it boils down to the individual is probably the most accurate.

Nice hat Andrew!

Morganwood, good distinction. There is the existence of attraction, and there is acting on it, and those are two very different things. The uncomfortable situations I referred to were when people I considered "just a friend" turned out to want more, and got snarky and/or hurt when I made it clear that wasn't going to happen.

But I totally agree (and said already I think) that it's too simplistic to break it down along male/ female lines. My hubby has experienced the same, for example (women who he considered "just a friend"...)

Then again, at my age, someone thinking of me as a sexual object wouldn't be all that bad!!

Geesh there are some really goof points and observations here! I maybe have more FE friends than M. Been that way my whole life.