Living With A Narcisstic Personality Disordered Spouse

mm25075

I know how you feel. I could do nothing right for my NPD husband either. I tried to plese him and nothing would please him. It got to the point where I made no decesions that way it could not be my fault as everything was.

My NPD works very hard to stay in shape. From what I have read the older they get the harder it is for them.

Living with a NPD is hard work and never rewarding

Good for you. I have been in alot of pain because of my NPD. Thanks for the support. I was always having trouble paying our bills because of his wild spending habits and he is a physician making half a million a year. Go figure. He is still living way beyond his means.

Girl, I am so furious with him right now I swear I could, oh I don't know what I could do.

This is a man who gets whatever he wants. He has an RV, three motorcycles, a jaguar, a 1956 T-Bird, a Viper!!!!!!!, ten acres of land with a nice home and garage on it, along with a huge shop, and beautiful horses that were given to him! The only horse we actually paid any money for was Mac. He's a registered thoroughbred! I mean c'mon! He's a Viper of horses!

I have never one time even tried to tell me we don't need all these things. We do not owe a penny on any of it. He pays cash so I didn't complain. But, because he was a musician for 35 years and only held what he calls "a real job according to his dad" for the past nine years he has no retirement, pension, savings, etc. So, even though we own all this stuff we still pretty much live paycheck to paycheck, which is okay with me because we get by pretty well.

As long as I had my unemployment I was paying for my horse's training and bought groceries. All he had to be responsible for was the electric bill, cable, and my internet service.

Well, he loves to go on trips with the Viper club, spending hundreds a month doing it and I never once complained. When I got Big Mac back from my trainer's I still owed $400.00 because I no longer had my unemployment. Johnny said he would pay that $400.00 on his next paycheck, which was two weeks after Mac got home and my trainer agreed because he knows I'm gonna pay it. Well, two weeks later Johnny gives me $200 and asks me to ask Dave to wait another two weeks. I didn't like doing it. Johnny won't break his word to anyone else but, uh, he caused me to break mine!

He is going on a motorcycle trip this weekend. I called him and told him, honey, you forgot to leave me money to give to Dave. So he gets all ticked off and says, I'll just call Danny and say I'm not coming and bring you the money. I said, if you aren't going I'll get it when you come home tonight. Then he says, "No! I'm going. I deserve to go. I work hard all the time and I have nothing to show for it at the end of a payday! So I'm going. I will bring you the money but I'm going!"

Uh, nothing to show for it? Are you kidding me????????? I am so sick of being made to feel guilty because I wanted one lousy thing! A HORSE I COULD RIDE! I paid for most of Mac's training. Johnny bought that viper with money from land he sold. Money that was half mine! I bought a shower and a jacuzzi bathtub and a freezer with the little he gave me from the sale of the land! I ended up taking the bathtub back (which was for me) because that $800.00 bought a lot of groceries and I felt I didn't need to splurge on something like that.

So, I'm pretty ticked. No, I'm more than pretty ticked. What makes me the maddest is, he'll go on his trip, he'll come home AND ACT LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED!

It feels so good to be able to tell someone this stuff that actually can understand the frustration. On one hand I wanna just shoot him but on the other I know that I choose to stay with him because I love him so I feel bad about complaining. Geesh, screwed coming or going.

*hugs Arella Mae*

It can really be frustrating trying to deal with someone like that. Especially more frustrating when it's a spouse who is supposed to care about your well being and happiness too.

My stepfather was similar in a way that he felt he needed physical possessions that set him apart from others. At one point I counted the number of vehicles in our driveway. We had a 62 Cadillac which had the front end removed and was put onto a camper. One of a kind. We also had a 62 Cadillac (those long ones with wings on the back) Two (2) Ecoline pick up vans, a 71 Ranchero, a 72 El Camino, a (non running) 72 Chevy Vega which was supposed to be mine but because I did not wax it daily and show interest in it, he had NO intention of ever getting it running. (yeah I was supposed to wax a car that wasn't running) He also had two boats. One was a cabin cruiser the other a ski boat, a Honda 750 motorcyle with a windjammer on the front, an 82 For Econoline Van, a 79 Ford Station Wagon, a converted VW engine which was put into a kit car that was made to appear like a corvette viper. A 68 Thunderbird. He bought my mom a 68 Jaguar XKE. It had a wood dash and all the other specialities. (absolutely beuatiful!) Heh, well he drove the car into a ditch (having a temper tantrum because my mom would not tell him which freeway interchange was the right one) so the front hood needed work. He got around to stripping the paint off it, then got bored and let it sit in the sun and rain for 12 years before he allowed it to be sold so a guy could refinish the paint and repair the damage. Yeah, that was supposed to be my mom's car. And then there was the Ford pickup which had been specialized and we had to pay $10,000 cash for because there was no way he would qualify for a loan. Oh and it might seem we had all these things at different times...nope...they were ALL there at one point. We'd get 'move' tickets if we didn't move the cars around every once in a while, so there was always this 'big shuffle' we had to manage about once a month. That's in addition to a packed garage of sprinkler repair parts and equipment. Yes, we owned our own profitable sprinkler business in the L.A. area, but alas eventually that went under because his staff quit, his wife (my mom) turned out to be an alcholic and he had me at 14 the (only) receptionist answering the phone from 3-5 PM everyday after school. My mom *had* to ride in the truck with him to the job sites because he needed a 'helper' to fetch things out of the truck while he was working.

Now that I look back at your post above I see your husband has some frightening familiarties in the type of posessions.

I guess there was one good thing that happened...I got a chance to swim in Bob Hope's swimming pool a couple of times when my step dad worked on their sprinklers. Scatman Crothers was a very nice man to talk to and I got about 15-16 signed and personally autographed pictures of some big stars around L.A. I even got to peek in Elton John's windows

It seems to be a sickness without much ryhme or reason except to stroke the fragile ego so they can say "Look at me! Aren't I great?" Once something becomes 'old looking' to them personally they need something new to admire about themselves.

Oh wow, the similarities are frightening, aren't they? Yeah, he puts way too much importance on stuff. I am the complete opposite. We live in the country so we don't have to worry about the move tickets. All of the vehicles are running except for the van and the Jaguar. The only reason the Jag isn't is because the remote is lost and he hasn't figured out how to bypass the security system so he can start the danged thing. He was interested in doing that until he bought the Viper.

So help me, I don't see how he can get a much more "important" vehicle. I mean, he better not even try! I don't think he will though. He seems pretty enamored with this car and I am hoping that will last a long, long time.

Oh yeah, the thing where he blew up the other day? Well, he brought me the money for the trainer and was just as nice as could be. I wanted to strangle him!

So cool you got autographs and stuff! Those things can really mean a lot to a spouse of a NPD. It's not that we think that stuff is so important, it's just that for a short time it's not all about THEM!

Okay, I am really angry and I need to vent I guess. I woke up with a horrible headache about 7:30 this morning. I got up and fed the animals and Johnny was in the bathroom when I came back in. I asked him if he would go down and get me some BCs because I had a horrible headache. He said he would. Well, he ironed some clothes to wear, took a shower, shaved, brushed his teeth, and then sat down in the living room to have coffee and watch TV at about 9 am.

During this hour and a half I would mention how badly my head was hurting. I was getting close to a migraine and if I didn't get something soon I would have a full blown migraine.

Well, I just asked him to give me the money and told him I'd go get them myself. He got mad at me! He started cussing and said "I can't even have a cup of coffee first?" He threw the money at me and cussed some more and I drove down to the convenience store right down the road. My head is still hurting but the BCs are starting to work but I am so angry!

Would he have rather waited and let my headache get so bad I'd have to go to the Emergency Room? How insensitive can a person be? I know he has this personality disorder but right now, I dont' really give a flip. I'm just mad!

He was gone when I got back from the convenience store. Right now, I don't care if he comes back.

I missed this thread the first time around. This is my stepson through and through, the whole wide world revolves just around him, and it's driving the family crazy.
I just sent Soz's list from page one to his sister in Korea. These are my stepkids and I try and stay out of their battles but she's at a loss about her brother and his selfish, exploitative ways. What can I say? His father and I get both barrels of this obnoxious behavior every time he visits.
Arella, I don't know how you stand it, darling. At the same time, my stepson is almost 40, still single (no wonder why), and I often pray for a woman to come along and be able to tolerate him and hopefully, help to yank his head out of his ass. I know it's asking for alot.

I was in the position of thinking I could change my not soon enough to be ex's behavior. I tried for over 12 years. The result was that he made me doubt my own self worth. I even had thoughts that suicide was better than continuing to live. Frankly I wouldn't wish that on anyone. He is even more unreasonable during the divorce process as I try and find myself again.

No one can change the NPD except themselves. I have heard that they truly have to hit bottom before they will even begin to admit they have a problem. From what I have read long term counseling is needed for them but it only works if they can begun to understand real empathy.

The one thing I had to learn was I can't change him. Nothing I do, nothing I say, nada, zip, zilch, will ever change him. He isn't as bad as I know some are and I sympathize so much with you two. I have no idea how anyone with children can get through this. It's tough enough just being the spouse, but having to consider children in this? Lord have mercy, do I admire anyone that can do that!

Some days I don't think I can do it anymore and other days it's not that big of a deal. Today, it was a big deal because I was really hurting. Thank God the headache went away and I went for a nice long two hour ride on my horse and had a blast. He still isn't home and that's fine with me. I know when he walks in, he'll bring me a box of BCs. I guarantee it.


Thanx for letting me vent. It really does help having others to talk to.

Arella Mae, I'm sorry for being such a budinsky, but some people should not be married--they don't have the psychic resources for living intimately.
I like the saying "[Some] divorces are made in heaven."

No you can't change him. Nobody can change anybody. We can only change ourselves. And it can be really tough living with some people.

However, without minimizing the difficulties you experience, which I have no doubt are real, and the guys may take exception to this which is okay, but I think sometimes we women do judge men by the same criteria we judge ourselves, and that can be a mistake. In a rather long lifetime now of observing my husband, son, uncles, nephews, male cousins and friends, I see certain patterns that can be misunderstood by women as something the guys don't intend.

One example.

You've spent your day cleaning out drawers, cooking, baking, weeding the garden, running errands, grocery shopping, and trying to get the dead bird out of the furnace vent.

Husband comes home and notices the living room is extremely cluttered and says, "This room is a mess".

You hear: "You lazy slob, you've been sitting around all day doing nothing and letting the housework go and this place should be all cleaned up."

He meant: "This room is a mess." Period end without any judgment of any kind attached to it. He may or may not notice anything you have done, but would be appreciative and even admiring if you point it out to him.

I'm not saying all guys are like that, but most in my life are. And it does make life more tranquil when we can understand that guys are simply mostly wired differently than we are and won't always see things or respond to things as we do.

Then again, I have worked for a couple of really narcisstic SOBs and I know they exist too.

Divorce isn't an option for me. I love him. He's a pain in the butt and I get upset at times but I love him and I know he loves me the best that he is able to. I'm not perfect either and I'm sure there are times I drive him absolutely batty too but we made a commitment to work our marriage out no matter what. I am not going to go back on my word and neither is he.

These instances that bother me this much aren't that frequent. Sure, he does little things but I can shake them off pretty easily. He is not as bad as some and I am so grateful for that. I knew he was like this when I married him so divorcing him for it just isn't right to me.

It helps so much to be able to talk to others that are going through the same thing.

Fox, trust me, when he says something, I know exactly what he is meaning. LOL

As someone who is married to a woman who is scarred from childhood sexual abuse, I get it. It took me about ten years of marriage to wise up that I needed to take the best that she could do as good enough, even though it sometimes is not that great. I pretty much knew the deal going in, but at the time I felt that a few years of my love would cure her........no.

What a fabulous coping mechanism, your getting away with your horse. You should give yourself a pat on the back for being so smart.

Arella & hawkeye

If you can cope with such a relationship ( & feel OK in it) without doing yourself some real harm, well & good. But that wasn't my experience. It took me quite a long time to "recover myself" after a lengthy relationship with such a person.

I never thought about my horse being my coping mechanism, but maybe it is. It is definitely something that is completely mine. He loves the horses but he doesn't share my passion for riding, just as I don't share his with vehicles. We have a good life. It gets rough sometimes, but I guess everyone's does.

One thing that we made an agreement to when we got married is each of us is allowed (for lack of a better word) to do pretty much what we want as long as it doesn't hurt the other person. Well, I think this might mean something a bit different to him than it does me. To me, it's he can pursue whatever interests as long as he doesn't cheat on me and he does provide. It gets a bit touchy at times about the providing but he does provide. Because he surely does hurt me when he puts his Viper trips over paying a bill on time and getting mad about it.

Maybe that's why I don't mind his trips so much. I really do value the time alone or time I can do whatever it is that I want to do. Sometimes I feel like I am settling for less and other times I don't. It kind of all evens out I guess.

I have been up all night. It's been storming here and I always have a bad headache when it does. So, at least I know why I had such a bad headache when I woke up yesterday.

I am sorry to hear about your wife's abuse Hawkeye. I know it must be difficult for you. I can only tell you that once I accepted my husband the way he is and that he does love me to the best of his ability, it kind of freed me up to do more things for me and to not get upset at every little thing he does to display his personality disorder.

Msolga, you always struck me as such a strong woman. I know it's not easy finding one's way back from hurts in our lives but I sure do admire your strength and your ability to say what you mean.

"he does love me to the best of his ability"

Well, everyone "loves" this way. Sometimes it's selfish-love.

Johnny Paycheck had a song with a line: "Slide off of your satin sheets."
You sound like you have a nice life, in spite of his being an SOB. I hear about guys like yours that have NO money, and they make life hell for all those around him.

No healthy woman would put up with living with a self centered SOB like you describe him.

Sounds like you two have learned to "dance" well together.

Your horse, however, can be an important emotional release. And we all need some of that no matter what kind of people we are married to or how great our lives are. Sometimes it happens to us by default and we don't have to do it intentionally. But sometimes even when we know that we have a good marriage, a terrific job, plenty of money, loving friends, etc. etc. etc. and can't figure out why we aren't happier, very often it is because we don't have that one absorbing activity that we can just selfishly indulge in and escape for a little while now and then. For some its music, painting, pottery, hiking, fishing, gardening. . . . For Arella Mae its her horse.

My compliments to both Arella Mae and Hawkeye.

Ditto that.

Our Sunday School lesson this morning was on the teaching re divorce in the Gospel of Mark. Several in the class had gone through divorce and I would say all of us have had family members or other loved ones who have had to deal with it.

It is an especially difficult subject for me because, as a Christian, I do believe that marriage is a blessed thing and my marriage vows are a solemn pledge to God; however, I do not believe one has to be Christian in order to have a good marriage. But in spite of my beliefs, I worked too long with spouses of addicts and in domestic violence and I am fully aware that the mental health, physical health, and sometimes the very lives of people requires that they separate from their spouse. And I have had to counsel them to do so.

But short of such extremes, those who have developed the grace and maturity to love and make it work despite less than a perfect marriage are pure heroes in my eyes. The world needs more people like them.

We are not talking about a guy who forgot her birthday or doesn't pick up his socks, here!

This marriage is making her physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually SICK! (Please re-read her posts!!)

There is a loving way to "detach" from these kind of people. That may mean separation.