Cheater or not?

Forums: Cheating, Advice
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Fiancée and I meet September last year.
She lived in another country and we met through friends. I went home and from there we kept contacting each other on video call. After some weeks I went back to ask her for marriage. It all went fast but I was sure and it seemed she was too as she said yes.. And agreed to move in to my house where future looked bright. I visited her over several times whenever I could after this and until her arrival (worth mentioning is that we have a bit of a socio economic gap and I deal with everything). However the last days of her work during moving arrangements things took strange turns as her ex boyfriend she dumped a year before met up in her city coming to her work where they agreed to meet later after the goodbye party the colleague’s had arranged for her late after work. She hid this for me while it was going on but called me every now and then during the daytime over the next days. She used her family as alibi. He stayed at a hotel where she claims to went with him.

The second day arriving she told me about the situation, that they was together having sex and partying. However after some months I figured I wouldn’t be involved with a woman that had that standard and told her to move. Then she broke down telling me a different story that it was a lie that she slept with him and that she told me that only to see if I loved her (as if I did not tolerate it that would imply I didn’t love her). So now she didn’t stay at the hotel but he was trying to get her back the whole night walking. Next day she was at work (true) and did eat dinner with him after, then she claims to be sleeping at her place and him at the hotel.

It makes little sense to me that she would sleep with him as I am relatively good looking and have little problems with women generally and have basically life in order. So until further on I gave her a pass to not stress her more than necessary.

So here I ask the people on the forum what to do, did she cheat, is there a way to figure out for a fact what went on and how to deal with the situation generally?

I don’t care so much of the past before we met but after we meet it is principle’s, I don’t cheat and I do not stay with a woman that has.

Hoping for some constructive insight.

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Type: Discussion • Score: 6 • Views: 2,621 • Replies: 24

[+3] - CalamityJane - 09/04/2022I doubt that she'll learn her lesson. She'll resent you for making her repay the debt and then dumping her. You're not that kosher either as you're taking advantage of her and using her for your...

@Contraception,

I believe she cheated. Nobody would say they did just to see if it made you jealous. That's the stupidest line I've heard. I would dump her and next time you get involved with someone, make sure you are not the 'rebound' guy and take more time to get to know her. A woman that's preferably in your own country.

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@Contraception,

She cheated.

And don't go saying that you don't understand why she'd teach because you're (in your own words) "I am relatively good looking and have little problems with women generally and have basically life in order."

Hugh Grant cheated on Elizabeth Hurley. Melanie Griffith cheated on Don Johnson. Etc., etc.

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Have tried to talk constructively about this to her the last days explaining that I won’t ever marry a cheating woman regardless of the circumstances that it was early on etc. A woman that is with another man after we met and especially agreed to wed is a no go for ever.

I have now claimed that all money spent while she posed as my fiancée to be returned and suggesting half of that is paid by her accomplice (which I doubt will happen). She have agreed on returning all the money and items that I bought. Also that she pays rent every month. Until now the remaining debt is about 6000 euro and we made a contract of this debt, she is working now and paying back as soon as she get any income. Regardless of this she continues to claim nothing happened, but she will pay and claims she still want to be with me and that her lie of validation (game) wasn’t intended to crush me like this.
We agreed that we’ll spend some time away from each other where I go to my father, while I am there she will write a detailed letter and answer any questions I will have as how the situation is now, everything she tells me about this just feels like a lie and a provocation which I am explaining her. I will however take any valuables with me..

Any suggestions to add for a constructive process forward will be very much welcome.

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@Contraception,

Not much wiggle room in there. If that's how it is, drop the husk and move on.

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@Contraception,

Your fiancee is staying at your house, working to repay you 6000 Euro?
Is that correct?
I think every other woman would have stiffed you for the money and left,
for her to stick around and repay you shows that she's sincere.

None of us know what happened with her and her former boyfriend, but
if you feel that you cannot trust her ever again, then there is no point to it.

1 Reply

@Contraception,

Out of curiosity, why that particular screen name?

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@Ragman,

1st thing that came to my mind just

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@CalamityJane,

She’s not my fiancée anymore. She still want to be in a relationship and as far as she’s working and operating as normal she can stay and after the debt is repaid we’ll see. Maybe in the meantime she’ll become pregnant as she the whole time has been trying to achieve that. Regardless all of this is nice and normal but as a cheater she can’t really expect any commitment or stability from my part regardless what happens. She is still trying to say that nothing happened, it was a test, that I accepted to be with her to begin anyway what happened, that I somehow knew she was with him and that one day I will understand why she lied and told that she slept with someone else when she arrived but really all of that doesn’t matter now.

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@Contraception,

If she's saying you knew that she was with him, how can she deny it? I hope you're not having sex with her if you don't want a baby with her. Nobody says they slept with someone else as a 'test'.

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@Contraception,

So you're stringing her along until she paid off her debt and then you will decide if she's good enough as a girlfriend since you don't want her as wife.

If you don't see a future with her, why are you continuing a relationship? On top of that you have unprotected sex with her. Sorry to say, you're as screwed up as she might be. You either break it up with her now and stay true to your word or you continue and take advantage of her. In the latter case I hope karma is biting you in the ass.

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@Mame,

She don’t deny being with him or meeting but that she did not have sex as she already made her choice. After all 2 days after he left she came with all her belongings to me.

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@CalamityJane,

She’ll anyway pry her debt. Until now it’s neither proven they slept together or not. If she didn’t I decided to put it on a savings account for a mortgage for a house later, but if she after all slept with him I’ll use it as I wish.

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@Contraception,

Tell me, what does the 6000 Euro entail? Her flight surely wasn't that expensive, what else are you claiming her to pay?

May I ask what country you and your fiancee are from?

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@CalamityJane,

High cost country. 6000 euro for documents, tickets, products and other items she pushed me to purchase as a husband.

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@Contraception,

Can she stay in the country if you don't marry her?

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@CalamityJane,

Maybe, if she get a permanent contract from her employer whom I’m enabling for her.
A small update is tho that she finally came clean during a small bone fire trip to the mountains. She finally stopped the ping pong presentation where nothing happened or something happened. I just laughed and asked whether I should take my ex girlfriend on our honeymoon too?
Apparently her story is now "they got drunk at the first meeting and fucked at the hotel (I don’t know details or how many times etc). On the second trip to her ex place they got high on molly and ******* so seems like I met the worst possible woman. So for sure gonna make her pay back everything she tricked me into spending on her through her regular work and in the meantime keeping her around as a neat little fucktoy, making her falling deeper and deeper in love only to dump her when she finally paid back everything. It’s just sad, but what else to do? It’s the only way I’ll get back my money and maybe the day I dump her she’ll learned a lesson for life.

1 Reply

@Contraception,

I doubt that she'll learn her lesson. She'll resent you for making her repay the
debt and then dumping her. You're not that kosher either as you're taking advantage of her and using her for your sexual pleasures. You probably would deserve each other - then again, people who are this much alike rarely complement each other. Good luck!

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@CalamityJane,

I was actually a really good guy before this. For example my ex-girlfriend after 7 years of relationship got to keep the car (leaf), I got her the deposit (25%) to buy a flat to live in after splitting, learned her to drive, pushed her through master education etc. But falling in love and be betrayed, the images that one get from it (meeting the wrong person) is a bigger problem for humanity than we like to admit as it really change my attitude on this case. I definitely can say that I recognize going too far but what she did makes me not care at all and that is the first time in my life I feel I don’t care at all. It’s a bit scary and really a understudied phenomenon that should be prevented. Wonder how many other cases of this there are out there? Right now only revenge and getting my money back is my focus.

1 Reply

@Contraception,

The fact you kept a book kind of indicates it wasn't done in love. Love doesn't keep score.

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