Close friendship, emotional affair… it’s hard to tell the difference

Ok so I’m going to be brutally honest from the start. I’m not looking for people in the perfect world to comment. I’m am merely looking for people who have been in my position, so if you haven’t your input isn’t welcome, thank you all the same. I know what I am about to write is very heartless and disturbing to most but unless you have found your self in my position you can’t possibly comment.

I have been married 10 year, and together 15. We have 2 children, our marriage is decent, though at times my partner has become aggressive. This is not often atall, and more something most people would probably forget. Maybe I’m just looking for an excuse to justify my behaviour? I don’t know.

I met my now husband at the young age of 19, I never really had a boyfriend before him… though I was close to a male that I schooled with. He was very popular, more or less had a different girlfriend every week. We were always close, to the point we were associated with eachother, and everyone would comment on how well we got on etc. Although I wasn’t overly attracted to him physically there was always some sexual attraction, I’m not sure if it was ever a mutual thing, but I’m average looking I suppose, and he doesn’t seem to fussy.

Nothing ever happened with us. And he eventually slept with my best friend, which broke my heart at the time and we cut all contact. We never spoke of feelings, and so I never felt like he done anything wrong as I never voiced how I felt about him, and we were essentially nothing but close friends. 5 years ago he randomly contacted me via social media, and we began catching up. It felt easy like all those years ago, as if we had last spoke yesterday. It was purely platonic and we was genuinely happy to hear how well we had done for ourselves. He’s always married, with children and had been in a long relationship for many years too. After we caught up, we said goodbye and I didn’t think we would talk again. That year he contacted me on and off, usually when he was on a work break or out with friends. Presumably bored… as we were talking more I decided to tell my husband about how I was in touch with an old friend, he didn’t seem too bothered, and has never asked since.

Fast forward 4 years and we never stopped talking, and I can’t quite grasp how we ended up were we are. We talk almost daily, and if we go a few days without contact it hits hard. The year of the lockdown changed things between us, we began meeting up, all friendly legislate reseons. My car broke down the first time and he helped sort it, etc, etc. From there we felt a rising sexual tension. We spoke about it a lot, the pros, the cons. He has cheated before on an off occasion, it’s not something he’s proud of. I have never, and neither has my husband that I’m aware of. Throughout the first lockdown, with home schooling and staying home, my partner had to work away, and with limited travel was based over 200 miles away for weeks at a time. I felt lonely I suppose, and I’m not sure when the lines got blurred or how I allowed my self to go through with it but we exchanged sexual photos and videos. Things really geared up to a point we felt we was loosing control. I have only ever had sex or sexual relations with my husband, I was a virgin when I met him. And i wasn’t sure at this stage if I just wanted sex with someone else or wanted sex solely because it was him. I cut all contacted and decided to put all the energy into my marriage.

10 months later we got back in contact, under the rules that no funny business would be happening, and we are friends only. We are both pleased nothing happened between us, we share very different ideas. He says that what we have is worth more than sex, and that he respects me too much for anything to happen between us.

Skip another 12 months past that and here we are, still talking everyday though nothing of a sexual nature is ever mentioned. We are strictly friends though somehow our bond feels deeper. We hug, and every touch feels like lightening through my body. He says he cares for me, but we don’t talk about feelings, I’m just so confused. Lately I’m not sure if I’m starting to love him, as a friend or as something more. I try to stop communicating but my body pines for him. Not in a sexual way, although it’s a nice fantasy for me. But just his voice, his face, something. Without him it hurts, and feels almost like grieving, I feel he’s my attraction. I know it’s wrong, I know I’m bad, I know people can potentially get hurt but I just can’t stop, and slowly over time I need more and more to be satisfied. It’s been 5 years now, and my feelings have only ever increased. I’m not sure what I mean or what I am to him, we both love our spouses, and our lives, it’s not the kind of relationship we’re we sit and talk of running away together. I’m not sure if we are just really close friends, or if eventually something will end up happening with us.