Cheated on my wife

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I am the guilty party in this. My wife is very angry, upset, and hates my guts and rightly so as I have been messaging a woman at work, and she has found the messages on my phone.

The messages are not sexual in any way, just normal messages between us like funny memes, work things, and day to day things. The cheating is not telling my wife about the messages and keeping them from her.

The messages are things about what we’ve talked about in the office and things I would say with friends anyway. The issue here is that I have constantly only been saying bad things about this woman, appearing to make out I hate her, and yet I am still messaging her like we are friends.

My wife thinks I have been doing this because of an attraction there, but I can’t reiterate enough, there is no attraction there and never has been. I can understand where she is coming from and how it looks, and I have never set out to hide anything because I fancy the woman.

I take full responsibility for what I’ve done and understood it is a form of cheating. I never thought of it that way while I was messaging her and completely see what it’s like now.

With not saying about the messages, I’ve mentioned her a few times about things at work and just seen a look on my wife’s face as if to say he mentions her a lot, and then it became only bad things that were mentioned about here.

I admit she can be very annoying and isn’t a nice person, but I get on with her still even though I despise her a lot, but it’s nothing more than it is a work colleague or “friend” type of relationship. Once I saw the look on my wife’s face, I never mentioned anything, and I understand that is completely wrong.

No matter what I say, my wife thinks there is something there, and I can say 100%, there is not.

Presently, I am really struggling and feel like I can’t cope. I am stuck in the house due to lockdown, and it’s causing my wife even more anger having me around, and I feel absolutely terrible, angry, and upset at myself for making my wife feel the way she is feeling.

I can’t get my head around my wife thinking there is something going on, I know everything that I have done points to it but call it nativity or whatever you want, none of what I did was intended to hide any feelings for this person.

No matter what I say, everything is dissected to show I have feelings, and we have something going on, which can’t be further from the truth.

I still love my wife, and never have I been unhappy in our marriage.

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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 1,466 • Replies: 9

[+3] - Leadfoot - 05/13/2020You poor bastard. Look what they've done to you.

@heyo,

You poor bastard. Look what they've done to you.

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Why is your wife checking messages on your phone?

Perhaps you are neglectful of your wife anyway and now the fact that you have funny entertaining conversations with another woman is upsetting.

Time to spend some energy on your marriage and ramp up the romance at home.

Block the “office wife’s” messages, too.

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@heyo,

You can't have female friends?

Sounds like both you and your wife are having troubles with the lockdown. Are you both able to get out for walks? is there anything you can do together that you both enjoy? do you have a way to have private space / time in the house?

Are both of you in touch with people outside of the home?

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@PUNKEY,

PUNKEY wrote:

Block the “office wife’s” messages, too.

why?

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There are messages from nights out where I've gone home and proceeded to say I wish I was still and hate married life etc. I was only joking with an inside joke with workmates and on reflection it's not funny at all and looks like I was making it out that marriage was a burden and I wanted to be out and with her more. They know I don't mean anything by it but can see how its bad.

It looks bad on my phone me messaging her directly when we have a work messaging group and I don't tend to message anyone else in work outwith office hours. I've always said negative things about this person as I could see how my wife would perceive me taking about her and for maybe an easy life but in way did I intend to hide any ill doing. I suppose me hiding messaging her reflects what my wife is seeing as something I'm trying to hide.

This woman gets on my colleagues nerves as much as mine and goes to hatred at times which is where I have shown my frustration at how she has acted in work and I just try to get along with her maybe out of fear of her temper etc but at the end of the say Ive never had any feelings towards this woman and its been nothing but a work colleague I message and see it nothing other than that.

I think our marriage is over the way things have gone and no matter what I say I can't allay those comments about me lieing and that's I've been messaging her because I have feelings and want something to happen.

I hate how this has made her feel and and the anger she feels for me and will probably never be forgiven for this. It is a form of emotional cheating and I see that now but not what I was going for or what I wanted. I just wish I was forthcoming about the messages especially since I have no ill intent there and that's something I'm going to have to live with the rest of my life now.

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@heyo,

I still don't see how this was emotional cheating, but it does seem you've got bigger fish to fry in the relationship.

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I feel I can do all I can, we tried to to be civil last night and were taking about how she is feeling and about the baby kicking and then I decided I wanted to apologies in person instead of everything I've put down in a message to her and it kicked off and getting accused of everything again and it was all to do with wanting to be with and I took the mick out of her on a night out by making her wait and was having a laugh with her and everyone else at her expense because I kept her wait etc.

I let her have my phone and go through all the messages and she checked everything else. I don't have anything to hide and shes stopped talking to me again or answering me.

I stayed up most of last night thinking about things and and today instead of working I spent most of it writing it all down. I finished work and she came through to watch the coronavirus update and had made me a coffee and I just sat the notes down beside her and went through the room to give her space to read it. I want to try and move on but to me seems too soon and she has alot of built up anger. I want to give her space to read it and come back to me and come back through at her pace when she wants me to come back through to talk or whatever.

2 Replies

@heyo,

My inclination is to say that you’re having us on for a laugh. At least I hope so.
But it is not inconceivable that your poor tortured mind really is a victim of this twisted society you live in.

On the off chance you’re serious, consider the possibility. Either fit in (God forbid) or find an alternative.

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@heyo,

So here's the thing ..... Firstly and importantly, the internet is an extremely poor place to get advice ... Most of the respondents on sites are 'lock ins' for some reason, most of them blatantly inept at relationships and frankly, not terribly well educated. Sense is of course, not common. Far from it.

The reality of your situation is clear ..... Your partner is pregnant, your relationship in trouble before that happened, but it is of course now a real mess even before 'the other woman' thing with a pregnancy which one has to suspect you do not want ... Plus of course you partner is pregnant, worried, vulnerable and carrying some of the world's most volatile hormones.

Now in truth it would not matter if you had brought this other woman home from the office and had coitus with her on top of the TV, as your wife watched ... IF that was the deal with you and your wife. But it isn't is it ..... You knew that and know that

What you were doing was blatantly showing 'emotional intimacy' which is no different to physical intimacy in reality ... actually it is far more damaging .... Getting drunk and jumping someone bones is one thing .... But actively and regularly laughing and sharing with someone? That requires feelings of some sort,

Your wife is 100% entitled to feel totally betrayed because the 'deal' was obviously, (and all LTR are a deal), "We are best friends and other people of the same gender are not acceptable as close friends".

Myself I do not have friends of either sex and neither does my wife ... because that is who WE are ... it is what WE do .... is how WE act .... Would it suit other people? No. Do we care? No. It is us and what we do and have for 30 years+

It would seem your marriage was already in trouble before this all started, which is why it all started of course; it is a distraction, an act of pure selfishness on your part as you attempt to hide in plain sight.

There was a set of unspoken rules which you broke and frankly, in my experience of life .... You are in real trouble and if you are not divorced in 3 years time I will be genuinely surprised because she will never trust you again - not ever.

The trust is what makes it work for so many people.

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Cheated on my wife

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