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Is my husband maybe over-protective or too controlling?

 
 
Reply Tue 1 May, 2018 03:40 pm
I've been married over a year now and it's been very difficult to go out in public by myself without my husband giving me a huge list of why I need to stay home and that's he's too worried about me getting taken or hurt. Obviously I love him and he loves me and I know he wants to make sure I'm okay and protect me. But Its also very frustrating when your husband is working everyday and trying to take on any responsibility outside of phone calls or having to get going to a store when I'm begging or him to let me drive myself to the grocery store So that he won't get home and go straight to bed to avoid going to the store(because he doesn't even like going and its a pain to get make him go anywhere when we need things).. Or when I could still be working at that job he hated because he wouldn't trust me to talk to other people without him around and would even accuse me of cheating leaving me walking in eggshells because I wanted to tell him about my day at work couldn't because he would turn it into an arguement about me not being trustworthy or that I ruined something and added stress in some way.. I quit that job because I decided that my relationship is more important to me than a dumb coffee job even if it made me happy and I haven't worked since other than a couple applications, side jobs at home or babysitting jobs.. Now we have our own house and I have no job I take care of the house and make dinner at night and clean all day but I'm not allowed to leave down the street to the grocery store even tho I'm alone and bored all day and I also can't go to the gas station that takes me 2 min to walk there because he's scared I'll get kidnapped.. I have a car but it's nit working and he would be a little more leaniant letting me go drive that to the store but event then it would only be to go down the street and there would likely still be an arguement. I'm allowed to hang out with friends but we have a public pool that's empty during the day and my friend asks to come tan with me but my husband tells me no because He doesn't want people to look at me in a swimsuit without him a round(I even told him I would wear my one piece swimsuit).. I understand nott o go alone but why not when I'm with my friends.. I'm still young and anythings I want to do for fun like this are all unacceptaple
There just has to be a point where I should be able to ask to do something And not expect a 2 day arguement of him guilting me for stressing him out if I'm not home because I'm a disaster wherever I go but it's because I have no experience How am I even going to learn to fo anything for myself or be happy because I have zero purpose it feels like and he has all the purpose.. It makes me feel so helpless and worthless that I don't do hardly anything for our relationship and now that I want a job I feel so anxious and I'm worried that I can't work because of my mental state but I also am desperate to break this lock on me or the belief where my husband thinks I can do nothing by myself.. I want independace and now I feel like maybe he's right because he's been doing a good job so far making all the decisions in our relationship and when I do I get yelled at or I mess up everyrhing or almost ruin my relationship.. I've tried talking to him but every time I do I'm always left withguilt of him trying to keep me safe and how it's puts stress on him at work and I just don't know how to get through to him.. He sees that im depressed and even blames himself but he won't give me any chance to prove myself still and I just really need help because it's ruining a lot hope I see for the future.
I understand maybe he could be insecure and I've broken his trust before with all of this and I've snuck to a store a few times out of frustration and I know that these rules he has on me are pushing me to make compulsive decisions like that and its very hard to fight the urge to do what I think I should be allowed to do and its making a war in my head because I want to be trusted by him but its also so unfair and I should not feel like I need to be babysat in everything I do forever.. I also just want to contribute to our relationship the same way he gets to not just go to the grocery store and the gas station by trying to convince him why he should trust me to do it so I can take care of him and myself. Please any advice is helpful
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Tue 1 May, 2018 03:49 pm
@Chloefawn,
Did you not know he was like this before you married him?
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Tue 1 May, 2018 05:37 pm
@Chloefawn,
You're a grown woman. Most relationships don't have these kinds of ridiculous rules. You won't be kidnapped going to the goddamned grocery store.

So he's overly controlling.

Either you keep submitting, or you tell him you won't.

Would he get violent?

Because this **** is first level abuse right here. Isolating the victim is often the first thing that happens. Imposing ridiculous rules is up there, too.

Please don't get pregnant.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 1 May, 2018 07:19 pm
Is this a cultural or religious tactic your husband is using to keep you hostage in your own home?

When did this start?

Do you have relatives around? Any friends?

Perhaps you should get a chaperone or assistant to accompany you outside the home.

Really, this is so bizzarre and unusual, that it’s almost unbelievable. Will you share the country where you live and your ages?
0 Replies
 
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Wed 2 May, 2018 05:27 pm
@jespah,
My brother was a control freak when we were young. I think some people have a psychotic need to control others. It's not healthy.
Below viewing threshold (view)
cicerone imposter
 
  2  
Reply Wed 2 May, 2018 07:04 pm
@cicerone imposter,
Listen to jespah.
balloonfight
 
  -4  
Reply Wed 2 May, 2018 07:43 pm
@cicerone imposter,
She sounds like an adult child. I highly doubt she's being abused.
glitterbag
 
  2  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2018 12:48 am
@Chloefawn,
Welcome to A2K. Please take a minute and try to answer some of the questions other posters have asked. Jespah, Punkey and Chai are very helpful and very patient and perhaps they will have some suggestions you will find useful or comforting. Good luck.
0 Replies
 
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2018 12:51 am
@balloonfight,
Whoops, I almost forgot. Welcome back to a2k, spiffy new name.
0 Replies
 
balloonfight
 
  -3  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2018 01:04 am
What this woman's story sounds like is a text book case of someone who either wants to cheat on their husband, or who already has and is looking to justify it.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2018 05:39 am
@balloonfight,
Sure, because being confined to your own house like you were under house arrest is the rent you pay for someone who is paying - and BTW not "letting" you work to pay anything.

Marriage isn't a game of keeping score and one party renting space from the other. It isn't tit for tat weights and measures. It's give and take, yes, but it's not a commercial transaction, at least not in Western countries. But hey, keep discounting her contributions. I'm sure 1951 will be back any day now.
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2018 10:42 am
@jespah,
Quote:
It's give and take, ...
I learned early in our marriage that it's better to give 60% or more, because most of the issues that comes up are not earth shattering events. Also, soon after we were married, we talked to the wife of a Buddhist minister who I have from before WWII. She told us that when we have conflicts, it's going to look better on the other side of the fence, but if you divorce and remarry, you're going to repeat the same thing with your new partner. I believe that saved our marriage more than a few times. As we aged, we had less conflicts. I think that's normal in a marriage.
0 Replies
 
balloonfight
 
  -3  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2018 10:57 am
@jespah,
The husband isn't here to defend himself. All we have is a very skewed, one sided take from someone living rent free in another person's house, and complaining about not being able to wear her bathing suit out around other men.

I saw this personally happen to a friend. A very decent, hard working man I know confined to a wheelchair. Married a 20 year old. Paid her entire way including paying off her student loans. She ended up up cheating on and divorcing him.

She complained about the same things.

She was full of ****. He treated her like a queen.

These are textbook signs of cheating.

Also, how much could someone "pay for" working in a coffee shop or babysitting?

Only a woman, very likely a young attractive woman could get by in life with such limited job skills.

If respecting the person paying your bills means living in 1951, it sounds like a good place to live.
neptuneblue
 
  0  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2018 11:56 am
@balloonfight,
All of the posts here are a one sided take. Including yours.

I saw this happen to a friend too. Only it didn't work out so well for her. I visit her twice a year. I lay flowers on her grave. It's too late to save her.

You see, she too married at 18 to a man that acted very similar to OP's husband. Wouldn't let her get a job, go to the store by herself or wear clothes she liked. I always found it weird when they came for a visit that she always were long sleeves. Little did anybody know, he liked to be a little rough she said.

The last time he was "rough" he smashed her head against a wall.

She was 18 and a half.

She was my best friend.

So, when you get on your horse about she gets to live rent free, I wonder how her body actually has to pay the price to live there, Free, you say.

Domestic violence starts off small. Like what you see here, isolation and guilt. Maybe give her the benefit and understand she just may be in trouble.
Abigail May
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2018 12:35 pm
@neptuneblue,
There's a simple solution here.

If she doesn't like her husband's rules, get the f___ out of his house.

Problem solved.

Women, especially when they're young, have an inborn desire to have their cake and eat it too. To have a man who provides for them financially (beta males), while still fornicating with the Chads of the world. This is augmented by modern convenience such as tinder, grinder, facebook, instagram etc.

btw, you are a sock account.
glitterbag
 
  2  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2018 01:41 pm
@jespah,
I see Ms. Abbie's grammar and spelling have vastly improved. I don't think a few posters are thinking about 1951 as a goal, women were able to vote in 1951.....I think what they really want is 1851. You know, before unearned privileges were bestowed on the unworthy. Remember???? Bubblewrap has very patiently explained this to us. It is offensive to speak without permission from the menfolk.
roger
 
  2  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2018 09:36 pm
@glitterbag,
Oh, dear! That reminds me of a true story.

I was visiting with Bob (dyslexia), Diane, Osso, and Luella (bumblebeeboogy, and their neighbor named Ann. At one point, I raised the palm of one hand and said "Ann, the menfolk are talking". She stopped talking instantly. So did everyone else.

Hey, it might not work twice, but it sure worked once.
edgarblythe
 
  2  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2018 09:41 pm
The original post strikes me as real abuse. I have seen abuse of so many kinds, received my share of it, even. If I were she, I would get away from him by any means necessary and start a new life on her own.
0 Replies
 
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 May, 2018 11:00 pm
@roger,
You have a mean streak in ya, roger. I'm shocked!
0 Replies
 
 

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