Confused, interested in a married man

Reply Mon 14 Aug, 2017 05:53 pm
Help, so confused.

I met a man a couple months ago online, we haven't actually met in person as he lives in another state from me. It was an online chat group for a game. I always noticed him when he chatted but i never pm him or directed any comments to him. one day he finally noticed me and said who is this person? A few days later he messaged me about something for the game and I replied and it was all pretty innocent for a little while then we started talking more and more and flirting and getting into deep conversations about our lifes, talking daily ,several times a day. Then after a couple weeks things were getting a little serious and we were talking about meeting for the first time, he would fly me out or come to visit. I am more then finacially stable and wouldnt let him pay for me becuase i didnt want to have any strings attached. he finally asked about if I ever dated a heavy set man, or older man and then finally a married man. The first two I have before and doesn't matter to me but the last I was somewhat crushed, he is 10 years older then me and not heavy set, I already knew because his profile pic and pics we shared, he said he had to tell me cause he started having feelings for me and he liked the attention he got from me and didn't want to lose the feeling and lose me. Now I'm sure your thinking that only after a few weeks how can we make such a connection but we did and I was starting to have feelings for him as well, we have so much in common and almost type exactly what each is saying at the very same time, sometimes it's creepy but true. Like he knows what I'm thinking at the very moment or vice versa, like we will both be saying the exact same thing and hit enter at the same time to send message. This is instant chat btw.

He told me that he was married for 17 years but they are a product of an arranged marriage and they have 2 children but are just friends, more like roommates, they have had sex only once or twice a month if even that. They pretty much live separate lives apart from their home life with their kids. He said they have talked about divorcing before but they just haven't because even though they aren't happy they aren't horrible and mainly stayed together for the kids sake, he realizes now since meeting me that he wants to be happy and be with me rather then just surviving. That he now sees that there is so much more to life and love.

At the time I knew he had kids because he had talked about them but not his wife, he said he did but don't remember seeing it, it's possible that he did as there is usually over 100 or more messages a day. He said he would stop chatting with me and I agreed but we still talked about the game and sometimes normal things and I took a step back but something about him kept me wanting more, I told him I couldn't be the other woman or be a homewrecker and he said that how could I break something that was already broken... My previous relationship (engaged) ended due to my ex cheating on me. He decided he was going through with the divorce and talked with his wife about it and they agreed and would start the process but they had a family vacation set a week later which they decided to follow through. Also he said after that day he started sleeping in his sons room, they have told the kids about the divorce, they are in their early teens. I admit he convinced me and we continue to talk but that's all just talk about our feelings for each other and wanting to be together, he has told me that he won't go into the details with me as he doesn't want me to hurt from it and I agreed that I didn't want to know. When they came back from their vacation he said he was planning on moving out, they agreed to an amicable split. We chatted daily but I only let it happen once a day, I didn't want to take his time away from his kids and their time together. He said his son is struggling with it a little bit and his wife has made some rude comments so he expects there to be drama soon. I have been finding myself jealous this whole time.

I'm so confused what should I do? We have talked about moving in together and getting a house, I'll move to where he lives because honestly I don't care where I live and can relocate anywhere. He has his businesses and kids there. Anyway I don't want to be the cause of the family break up even though he says it's bound to happen anyway, but if it was why wait until I come along? Because he says he never intended or was looking for meeting someone that he will make the change in his life for. Should I break it off completely until after the divorce (i know this can take months or a year) or still keep the line of communication open and keep it only on a friendly level? Do I say screw it I'm going to hell anyway and just go for it and be damned? I feel like I'm being too moral? But in today's age there is no monogamy anymore, it's hey let's get married and if we divorce so be it, we can find someone else. He says he feels the same way, he wants monogamy but he wants it with some he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with not with someone who was chosen for him. Or should I just leave and forget about him. I did find his social media but couldn't bring myself to look.

I love him and I think he does me.

Thanks for listening,

Reply Mon 14 Aug, 2017 06:48 pm
So far as I can tell from reading your post, you have never even met. So slow down with the moving in, etc. talk.

In addition, he could be feeding you any number of stories. Even if he is absolutely 100% sincere he is still a guy who was looking for something on the side while married. Consider exactly how you would feel if you were the wife in that situation.

Also, FYI, online communications amp up our emotions and they make us feel connections because they are designed to do so! Chat programs would not work well if they didn't give people a little rush to go along with their communications, whether it's a flash or a sound or an update.

So your amazing connection may not be so amazing after all. I also want to point out that the online world is a curated version of everyone's life. Even when we aren't even trying to do that - we are. How? By not going online when we have a headache or are in the middle of eating or the like. Real life contains all of those moments and they are often not as pleasant.

Think hard about this, and also about why you're putting so much emotional energy into someone so far away who isn't even attainable at the moment. I'm not a doctor but it sounds like avoidance behavior.
Reply Tue 15 Aug, 2017 09:42 pm
Avoidance behavior, on my part or his? Thank you for you reply, I do appreciate it.

He supposed to move put after that vacation but he hasn't due to unforseen circumstances and his kid having a hard time. Should I just call it off and all contact until after he is finally divorced ?
Reply Tue 15 Aug, 2017 09:46 pm
Have you met in person yet?
Reply Tue 15 Aug, 2017 09:46 pm
"Should I call it all off?"


This man has told you his story and now needs to show you he means everything he has told you.

But don't hold your breath.
0 Replies
Reply Tue 15 Aug, 2017 11:24 pm
Not yet, we were talking about meeting then he decided to tell me he was married before we met. I told him I wouldn't feel right meeting a married man. I was engaged before and my ex was cheating on me for a long time, so i called it off. I have beem single for 3 years now.
Reply Wed 16 Aug, 2017 01:58 am
I love him and I think he does me.

He's now told you he's married. So he thinks he has you hook line and sinker, you "love him" and you think that he does too, love you...

But usually when a married man after trying to get you interested for some time and succeeds tells you he's married, he's basically given you the hook to see if you will take the bait and that bait is this. You become his Mistress he tells you he loves you, he sees you mmm once a week, booty call. Maybe even buys you roses he will either say, he's in a loveless marriage or else he will say actually he does love his wife, she's the Mother of his Children, he can't leave her or likes her but needs to stay for the children, he may even say he will leave "one day" Or say he can't.

You have been alone for 3 years and that's all this is about, you needing, love, wanting it and do you or don't you I mean he's married, but you "think he loves you".

Let me say this, if he does have feelings for you he will not want you to be out of his life and he will leave her, in order to be with you. Any excuse of not yet, can't, children, won't , later maybe, soon, is a cop out.

You love yourself surely more than that don't you I mean you've been cheated on, so you have felt that pain, and surely as a woman you would understand the pain that his wife also will go through in the event you go down this path and she finds out.

Plenty of fish in the sea.


Don't do it.
0 Replies
Fil Albuquerque
Reply Wed 16 Aug, 2017 04:16 am
Well are you confused or interested?
Reply Wed 16 Aug, 2017 09:15 pm
@Fil Albuquerque,
Why can't I be both?
0 Replies

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