Both married having affair at work

Forums: Guilt, Affair, Married, Overwhelming
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Please help! I met this guy at work, we are both married with young children. This would be the first time for both of us to have an affair. He came strong on at work, he is so attracted to me, not trying to be snob but I am very attractive woman. On a other hand he is not overly attractive, but something in him made me put my gard down. I became attracted to him in every possible way, just as much as he is attracted to me. Long story short we never had sex, we just kissed a couple of times. He wants to be with me more then anything but guilt is overwhelming him, guilt towards his family and guilt towards me as he knows he can’t give me Much ( we agreed we would never involve or leave our families for each other cos we don’t want to hurt our kids) He started to pull away but always comes back saying he is massively attracted to me, he can’t control himself, he would literally get hard at work all the time just by seeing me. But trust me he doesn’t want to use me for sex, he avoids meeting up with me as he knows he couldn’t control himself, he just pulls away every time we become close as he feels guilt and he is worried how much he gets into it ( it was just kissing and touching and talking dirty through messages) So I got upset about him pulling away every time we become a bit closer and we had arguments lately. I can’t stand a thought of loosing him, I told him that I like him and that I want to be with him and give it a go. He said that he is attracted to me, that he likes me too much as person to keep fighting with me and hurting me( as i said that he hurt me when he doesn’t text and pull away. But whenever I text him he texts back but hardly he texts first. So I said I wanted to give it a go and he said that at this moment he feels so overwhelmed with guilt and everything and he needs to become him first, he said he is very sorry that he can’t tell me where he is at atm, that he is not ignoring me or anything but just that he needs to be himself first. It was a few days ago, he didn’t text just on Friday at work through Skype like sorry I am so quiet I have been very busy lately . What should I do? Wait for him or text him. It’s very hard not to hear from him. I wonder does he miss me? I know he is still attracted to me but why not continue when he knows that I am to it. I feel very guilty as well even though we haven’t been intimate but still this is cheating as well but I just like him and miss him so much! I think that he is just being nice and can’t be straight up and say I want out, especially after me saying that I want to give us another chance. Please some advise, what should I do? Is he suffering like me or just not being honest and not having guts to admit that he wants out?

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@Jenna18,

What does your husband think?

Seriously, you're all hot and bothered about someone who, most likely, will never leave his wife for you. Would you leave your husband? And how would you and Romeo trust each other after that, knowing what you are both capable of? And how do you feel about sharing custody of your young children and only seeing them sometimes?

If your marriage is bad, then either work to fix it or end it. Staying together for the sake of the children (if that's what's happening, as it's unclear from your post since you went into depth on this guy at work and just hand waved over the part about your marriage) is a lousy idea, teaching your children that love doesn't matter. And it puts an impossible burden on them to be your marital glue and your excuse for inertia.

Please don't do that to your kids.

If you are in a horrible marriage in the sense that you're being abused, then of course leave -- and then an affair is practically an invitation to violence, either on Romeo's person or your own, and far, far more likely to be on your own.

But if neither of the above is the case, and you're just bored, then it's time to go cry a river.

If you want to be married, then go all in and work on your marriage and be 100% present in it. If you don't want to be married, then end it. Affairs are nonsense, they are bullshit brain candy adrenaline that wears off and you're left with guilt and a trainwreck behind you.

But hey, you do you.

Quote from the article I cited:

Quote:

Victoria Milan — a dating site for married people seeking affairs — surveyed 4,658 of their members and found that 76 percent preferred to have sex with their lovers but still wanted to sleep with their partners.

In fact, 69 percent of those surveyed said they don’t even think about leaving their significant others and 85 percent said they don’t view their lover as a suitable long-term partner.

When asked why they preferred to stay in their long-term relationships, cheaters cited security, love, stability, family and happiness as reasons for staying put.

It's cheaper for him to not leave his wife, and it's also cheaper for you to stay with your husband. It's that simple. Decide if you want to be more important than a wallet. Or not.

And while there are jokes in this hashtag, it's worth scrolling through: https://twitter.com/hashtag/excusescheatersuse

And I haven't even scratched the surface about what getting caught (which is inevitable) or it ending (also inevitable) will do to your working life.

1 Reply

@jespah,

Hi Jespah,
Thank you for your response. I must say that I couldn’t agree more with everything you said. I haven’t mentioned my kids and family because they don’t deserve to be in this post. I feel very guilty of mentioning them, that’s the only reason, not because I don’t care.... I don’t expect him to leave his wife, neither I would ever leave my family and my husband. I am not in violent relationship, but unfortunately in loveless one( i am not physically attracted to my husband but I do love him more than anything he is a great man and he doesn’t deserve this) I stupidly started this at work out of boredom and accidentally fell in love I am afraid!
And I know that this has to stop.
Just wonder if he is really overwhelmed and literally pushing me away because he care for me or he lost his interest ( even though I doubt that)
I don’t want him to message me out of pity because he started all of this in a first place. Definitely can’t say he got what he wanted, because he didn’t, he really avoided situations to meet up with me as he was afraid that he won’t able to control him self
I am just confused
And I envy him for being able to pull away
I desperately want to be able to do the same and stop this nightmare
I am somehow ok during the weekend, but seeing him every single day at work is so bloody hard!!!

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@Jenna18,

This is why affairs (or even dating) at work is a lousy idea. When the bloom is off the rose, you still have to work with the person.

You'd do well to pull away, too. Probably would be easier to either transfer or find other work (yeah, another reason why work relationships are a bad idea -- someone inevitably would do better leaving and it seems to almost always be the woman).

Counseling is awesome. Talk to an impartial professional about your marriage, your boredom, etc. This is not necessarily for marriage counseling, but at least consider talking out your issues. It can be very helpful.

0 Replies

@Jenna18,

Jenna
What else is going on in your life that you have become so consumed with this?

He pays attention to you. Is that what you need and your husband is no longer doing that?

There’s sexual tension. Is that missing at home?

This is taking so much time and energy. Is your life at home boring and unfulfilling? Kids not needing you so much now? Husband neglecting you?

This “affair” had no substance to it except that you are enjoying seeing a guy get hard for you and acting out at work about this. (He’s not even good looking and has no money)

Some introspection on your life is needed. Seek counseling to help you figure all this out.

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

Hi Punkey,
Attention is something that I never missed in my life, and getting attention from rendom people actually always bothered me, this is not first guy at work who gave me attention, but I would always let them know that I am married and actually took great offence how they would ever have guts to flirt with me. Even this guy, the very first one I unfortunately responded to flirting said that he was very nervous how to approach me, as I appear so cold and unapproachable.
So I don’t know what happened, but something happened! Looks like I need to consider counseling, as atm I feel very confused.
I wasn’t really that much excited about this guy coming hard ar work, just mentioned that to explain to what extend he is attracted to me ( perhaps just I envy him too much to being able to pull away and can’t say the same thing for myself)
Sexual tension at home is missing, but with all honestly, both of us were avoiding to do that, we had so many opportunities, but never took one.
Maybe it was poor choice of words to say that I was bored ( maybe I was bored at work) but generally better word would be empty.
Anyway I have to figure out how I got my self so emotionally drained involved in all of this with him.

0 Replies

Jenna,
I know this thread has dropped off, but I have a similar situation at work. Except that I'm the guy. I'd be happy to know how it's going and share thoughts about it with you. I'm not judgmental and I understand how this makes the brain feel like mush one minute and fireworks the next. It's frustrating. I get it.
- a real true feeling

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@arealtruefeeling,

I have had situations at work where the sexual chemistry could make my blood run cold and make me weak at the knees.

This particular situation, i was working in a picking parts factory where you go around picking car parts for car dealers and mechanics. A young small beautiful woman from Vietnam started working there - After a while it became obvious she wanted me bad.... she would wear there tight jeans that would somehow expose the most amazing camel toe you would ever see when she squats down to pick something up while knowing i can see..... oh boy, the memory brings tears to my eyes, seriously... you know what i did?

Nothing!

I was already in a relationship, i made a choice to shrug it off and that is what i did. Its not like the movies, this is what they call 'real life' and in real life you get to make your choices, no one is forcing you to cheat.

Although i did get on the internet and find porn with women that looked a bit like her, that was very satisfying! Smile

0 Replies

@Jenna18,

Sh**ing where you "eat" is foolish.

0 Replies

@arealtruefeeling,

arealtruefeeling wrote:

Jenna,
I know this thread has dropped off, but I have a similar situation at work. Except that I'm the guy. I'd be happy to know how it's going and share thoughts about it with you. I'm not judgmental and I understand how this makes the brain feel like mush one minute and fireworks the next. It's frustrating. I get it.
- a real true feeling

Both married having affair at work

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