Should I feel bad for my cheating girlfriend here?

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My girlfriend knowingly cheated on me. Lied about it. When caught red-handed, lied about it again and hid it from me multiple times. The cheating was only one weekend but she had multiple times to come clean about it after I knew it to be true and she never did.

The she did tell me was a lie making her out to have taken the high road. She said they didn't sleep together, but that she backed out of going all the way through with it. Then she felt stupid and like a whore, and decided she didn't want to do it with him since he was only about wanting the sex. Then she felt hurt that the guy didn't fall for her and pursue her in any way other than sexually. It made her feel hurt and ashamed and unlovable and unpretty and undesirable.

She acted like I should empathize and be nicer to her. She lied saying she didn't go through with it, and then I found out she actually did have very, VERY, involved athletic sexual intercourse with this man for HOURS and he never was able to climax because he cannot come from sex with a condom on and apparently was not enjoying the sex as much as he could have due to her current status of her shavedness down there being a little stubbly.

So she basically had sex with this other guy, got pounded for two hours, but he didn't come and when confronted with this truth she never denied it. She actually finally admitted to me that I know all the truth now...

And she then said she hated me for telling her I knew the full story now. She didn't hate me for interacting with the guy about her story to verify it for my own knowing of the whole truth, she hated me now for telling HER that I interacted with him about the truth. She hated me for confirming for her how bad the sex was for the guy, even though she claims to have known that all along and thats what was so hurtful in the first place.

She claims that I had to be out to hurt her by telling her that I found out the truth about this entire ordeal, when the truth was I was confessing to her that I went behind her back to find it all out with the guy and I felt bad now because I thought I acted deceivingly to find out the truth from him the way I went about it. But she is now claiming I hurt her way worse than she could have ever hurt me, because all she did was have sex with another man, but I actually went out of my way to make sure she felt unlovable and unattractive when I could have just found out the truth and kept it to myself forever.

KEEPING in mind, I found out the truth, WHILE we were still in great shape and she was expecting us to have stayed romantically exclusive and expecting me to just move past the fact that she hid it all from me with lies. She wanted me to just find out the truth, and move on knowing she didn't enjoy it, the guy didn't enjoy it, and it was all just a huge mistake, and I should have known that, and known how hurtful it would be to tell her I found out the truth.

So I am the one she hates in the story now.

So we broke up because I was trying to clear the air with my untrustworthy mistake and confess to her I hid from her that I interacted with the guy to get the full truth since I never believed her side.

I admit I have my own issues to process here -- but can someone confirm that I am not losing my mind here???

A woman who would cheat on me, and get banged for a few hours, sleep with another man, then expect the "love of her life" to understand how much it hurt her that this man didn't come while having sex with her, and apparently didn't lust after her afterwards enough to continue pursuing her even for casual sex... this woman on the hot/crazy matrix is somewhere off the chart, right???

Women, help me out. I realize I could be a total asshole here. I realize I could be wrong and guilty of being worthy of hatred.

But I am still in love with this girl. I wanted it all to work out. I just couldn't live with being lied to and I thought that finally giving her evidence that I knew she lied to me would snap her back to reality and she would be able to say to herself, "Ok, I lied to you to hide my shame over the mistake I made with him... and I hated the sex with him so now you know you can believe that part of the story... that I hated being with him..." or something of that nature.

But when faced with the real actual truth of the situation -- her way of going with it is to tell me she's never hated anyone before in her entire life until now, and it's me she hates for making her feel unlovable by TELLING her the man she cheated on me with confirmed that he didn't come or really enjoy the encounter much.

Of course, I could be gloating the scenario to tell her he didn't enjoy the scenario. But it's worth noting I never intended to tell her that. I only told her that I knew the full truth now and she needed to know that the way I found out the full truth was something I felt terrible about. I pretended to be a hot girl on instagram and got the guy to talk to me about his encounters with woman, as a woman pretending to be turned on by that. And it was a lot easier than you'd think it would be! He immediately gave me play by play details of being with my girlfriend... the whole story!!

So I told her I felt bad and she deserved to know what lengths I would go to to find out the truth because I felt ashamed of my actions and myself for doing it. But she deserved to get to know I did that.

Her response was not at all to confront me about going behind her back or to question why I would not believe her story, her immediate reaction was to beg me to tell her what the guy said about her.

She demanded to be able to login to my fake account and read all the messages.

I said she would hate reading them and they would be hurtful, but she said she would never be mad at me for listening to her in that moment and doing what she needed, which was to SEE the messages.

So I let her. I thought her reading the way I defended her through the interaction would ultimately win her over FOR ME an she'd see how I acted and forgive me and be softened toward me.

Instaed she demanded to read them all and told me now all she thinks is that HER OAKLAND was mocking her with the man she knew she didn't enjoy having sex with and now she hated me for telling her.

This is at the very minimum a person I should run away from full speed right??????? even if I think I am in love with her.

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@Oakland64,

Oakland64 wrote:

...
This is at the very minimum a person I should run away from full speed right??????? ...

Yeppers. Make for the exits and don't look back.

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@Oakland64,

You don't love her anymore than she loves you. However, you both enjoy making each other miserable and can't seem to live without the drama.

Break up and stay that way.

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@Oakland64,

Let’s see:
1. Girlfriend cheats on you
2. She tells you, but minimizes the entire incident to say she didn’t have intercourse.
3. You don’t trust her version and establish a fake profile to get this guy to tell you about what happen.
4. You tell GF the “truth” (according to him) about what really happened and she gets angry that you found out.
5. She’s angry at you because you didn’t believe her first rendition of the entire incident and she got caught in a lie.

Apparently you don't trust this girl or what she tells you. Is this a pattern in your relationship even before this time? Your methods of finding out the truth were deceitful to all parties involved.

She gets mad because she hoped you would forget and forgive and now she’s been found out. She’s mad because you found out the truth.

There’s no way to fix this, but most likely you will stay because the whole thing is excitingly sick. I think you like this.

PS Has your GF posted on this site recently? Someone with the others side of this same incident posted just days ago.

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@PUNKEY,

Quote:

likely you will stay because the whole thing is excitingly sick. I think you like this.

You are for sure on to something here. I don't know why I want to be with her so bad, but you are right. Something inherent to this entire scenario is attractive to me. I should probably see someone about why that is, and it will solve itself.

I don't trust what she tells me, that's been a great detailed topic of our discussions. I tell her I don't believe the stories. They are sometimes not possible to believe as sometimes the facts contradict each other.

We have a relationship not built on trust, honestly. I am not sure how else to put it. It's a pretend existence that we trust in, where we choose to believe the other when they tell us that we are their favorite. We are both very convinced we each view each other as the favorite for real, even among the lies.

I wanted from day one to label what we had as an open relationship. This concept bothered her. She wanted to commit to monogamy and proved to herself multiple times she was very bad at that ideal. However, she will not compromise and view what she has with me as friends-with-benefits, or an open-relationship.

She has broken it off with me for good this time. She claims to hate me for finding out the truth AND TELLING her what the the guy said about her.

It was never my intention to relay mean, hurtful things he said to her. However, as pointed out, my actions were horribly deceitful also, which is why I brought them to her attention. I thought she deserved to know the truth about what type of a person I was who was willing to do this sort of thing. I thought she deserved to hate me for that if she couldn't get past it. That lie was too much for me to carry forward so I told her.

When I told her that, she demanded to see all the messages I shared back and forth with the other man. So I caved immediately to that assuming that would buy me good graces as full disclosure surely leads to mended trust, right?

But apparently, to her, I should have continued the facade and lied all along and never let her know that I knew the truth, and I for sure, never should have let her know that the other man had negative opinions of the experience, as that has made her feel unlovable and unpretty and she is convinced I did that to hurt her. In her opinion I should have lovingly protected her from the truth, and continued to lie to her about my actions.

All while I found out what really happened. And honestly, if I wanted to keep her the way we were, I totally should have done that, because we wouldn't be broken up now.

So what the heck is wrong with me that I like this enough to fight for it all??

I guess thats why I am here.

I am trying to paint an even handed enough picture of what really happened to warrant believing that she is justified and right about it all. But I just can't ever convince myself of that.

I think she is truly of the frame of mind that she screwed up, regrets it, and in her world told me enough that I should have moved on. Therefore, since I didn't move on, I examined it all myself and found out the real truth, she believes that since the REAL truth was "hurtful" to her, I should have taken the high road and kept that knowledge of kwowing she lied, and just continued forward with the relationship, TRUSTING that she was now trying to not hurt me like that again...

Can someone at least give me a sanity check, that if I am to do what she seemingly required, it would require a JEDI-LEVEL degree of difficulty to have pulled that off???

0 Replies

You got your “Ah-ha” moment on her. She didn’t like that.

You two have some character flaws that don’t mix:

You always have to be right.

She likes to lie and get away with it.

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@PUNKEY,

Quote:

You two have some character flaws that don’t mix:

You always have to be right.

She likes to lie and get away with it.

THIS IS INSANELY insightful. It seems so bloody obvious when typed like this it's borderline comical.

I wonder if what I am asking the universe is, can a person who has to always be right ever end up successfully being together with a person who likes to lie and get away with it. I think my answer is "not if I expect to maintain consistent sanity."

But what if I enjoy the insanity caused by this one person making me like her enough to keep wanting to be with her even when I am not allowed to pursue being right all the time?

But also, the emprical date of right and wrong sometimes is so large in my brain... I feel like this woman can convince me that factual accuracy is not relevant anymore. Meaning, if it was raining outside, she could convince me it wasn't raining outside just because she thinks its better to not view it as raining outside. I love that she can make me not care that its really raining. She has a power over me.

EXCEPT when it comes to core things like when she lies to me about other men. She refuses to explore the reality that we could just have an open relationship. I think the part she enjoys inherently the most is "getting away with it" and an open relationship removes that from the equation.

It's a mystery why I even care enough to work through it the pain of it all here. On paper it's clearly obvious I should run a hundred miles an hour away, right?

I think she would say the same thing, but she is rarely able to stay away from me either.

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@Oakland64,

Gotta ask the basic question:

Pros vs the Cons.

if the Cons are too many or too pricey, you dump her and move on. it hurts but let's face it, she's playing you.

if the Pros win, then you're willing to deal with her lying, cheating ways and you're okay with being a doormat. hint: Doormats gets stepped on, used, then thrown away.

the next choice is really yours.

good luck, bro!

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Should I feel bad for my cheating girlfriend here?

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