likely you will stay because the whole thing is excitingly sick. I think you like this.
You are for sure on to something here. I don't know why I want to be with her so bad, but you are right. Something inherent to this entire scenario is attractive to me. I should probably see someone about why that is, and it will solve itself.
I don't trust what she tells me, that's been a great detailed topic of our discussions. I tell her I don't believe the stories. They are sometimes not possible to believe as sometimes the facts contradict each other.
We have a relationship not built on trust, honestly. I am not sure how else to put it. It's a pretend existence that we trust in, where we choose to believe the other when they tell us that we are their favorite. We are both very convinced we each view each other as the favorite for real, even among the lies.
I wanted from day one to label what we had as an open relationship. This concept bothered her. She wanted to commit to monogamy and proved to herself multiple times she was very bad at that ideal. However, she will not compromise and view what she has with me as friends-with-benefits, or an open-relationship.
She has broken it off with me for good this time. She claims to hate me for finding out the truth AND TELLING her what the the guy said about her.
It was never my intention to relay mean, hurtful things he said to her. However, as pointed out, my actions were horribly deceitful also, which is why I brought them to her attention. I thought she deserved to know the truth about what type of a person I was who was willing to do this sort of thing. I thought she deserved to hate me for that if she couldn't get past it. That lie was too much for me to carry forward so I told her.
When I told her that, she demanded to see all the messages I shared back and forth with the other man. So I caved immediately to that assuming that would buy me good graces as full disclosure surely leads to mended trust, right?
But apparently, to her, I should have continued the facade and lied all along and never let her know that I knew the truth, and I for sure, never should have let her know that the other man had negative opinions of the experience, as that has made her feel unlovable and unpretty and she is convinced I did that to hurt her. In her opinion I should have lovingly protected her from the truth, and continued to lie to her about my actions.
All while I found out what really happened. And honestly, if I wanted to keep her the way we were, I totally should have done that, because we wouldn't be broken up now.
So what the heck is wrong with me that I like this enough to fight for it all??
I guess thats why I am here.
I am trying to paint an even handed enough picture of what really happened to warrant believing that she is justified and right about it all. But I just can't ever convince myself of that.
I think she is truly of the frame of mind that she screwed up, regrets it, and in her world told me enough that I should have moved on. Therefore, since I didn't move on, I examined it all myself and found out the real truth, she believes that since the REAL truth was "hurtful" to her, I should have taken the high road and kept that knowledge of kwowing she lied, and just continued forward with the relationship, TRUSTING that she was now trying to not hurt me like that again...
Can someone at least give me a sanity check, that if I am to do what she seemingly required, it would require a JEDI-LEVEL degree of difficulty to have pulled that off???