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It’s been 9 months since d day but the betrayal lasted for five years so the pain is strong

 
 
Reply Sat 8 Aug, 2020 01:14 am
I’ve been with my husband for 9 years and I never expected nor saw any of this coming. He would always tell me how happy he was and that he couldn’t picture his life without me. I felt the same. He is the only person in the world that knows all of me. He would express his strong dislike of social media and never saw the reason be apart of it. He would say that a lot of woman are on there looking for the wrong attention. This feeling was expressed by him on multiple occasions. I even deleted my social media early on in our relationship out of respect for him because he did not want men reaching out to me even though I never responded. He started show jealous and insecure Tendencies and I for the life of me could never understand why because I never would never disrespect or make him feel like he was never enough. I even worked from home at one point because of his paranoia. He would accuse me of checking out men if we were looking at a show or movie. It was ridiculous but I tried to look past it.

Then months ago I discovered his secret Instagram page. A page where he followed nothing but half naked women and engaged in sexual conversations. He also sent pictures of his self. He told me that he only made the page 2 months ago and he barely got on it but it showed he had the page for well over 1 year and he logged in everyday following endless amounts of women. I couldn’t believe the person saying those things on that page was my husband. He tried to downplay what he was doing by saying he doesn’t know any of the women and it’s not like he was connecting with women he knew from his past on Facebook and that he would never have a fb page. Then a few days later I found his secret fb page.

I found out he was looking up women he slept with from his past and was even talking to a women he use to sleep with before we got married. He had been talking to this particular woman for almost 5 years. She knew about me but that didn’t stop them from exchanging I love you messages, having sexual conversations and discussing where to meet up. My heart sunk when I discovered this and every since then I have been going through a rotation of different emotions. There was a lump feeling in my throat that just didn’t seem to want to go away. When I first found out I was all over the place, one minute I was in a rage and the next I was extremely sad and sometimes I felt blank. I still feel blank some days.

He told me that he never slept with the woman he was conversing with for five years and that he did it because of his “insecurities”. I believe he slept with her and if anyone else read what I discovered, they would too. However even 9 months later still he adamantly claims he never slept with her and would of never took it that far. rHe also said he never loved her and was just saying that to “mess with her head”. He said he cares nothing about her but how can you talk to someone you care nothing about for almost five years? He went out of his way to keep in touch with her even when he moved. We had sex almost everyday at one point in our marriage but our sex life slowed down just a little because of our new jobs. He said he only did all of these things because he wanted to have sex with me more and was just acting out. He also said he thought I was hiding something in my phone even though he had no proof!!! I believe he was making that up in his head so he could feel better about what he was doing. He could of easily sat down and told me how he felt but he didn’t even try. I would of been willing to do whatever to reconnect more intimately because that is something that is important to me as well. I found phone numbers from random women and a secret phone. He admitted that he got the phone numbers but never intended to call them. I don’t believe that one bit.



He has deleted everything and cut everything off supposedly. He has literally begged me to stay and said the thought of me being with another man kills him and that he is going to fight for our marriage. He has expressed that he is ashamed of what he did and that is still very sexually attracted to me. He said he refuses to throw away everything we built together. I feel like the person I thought I married is someone else and I can’t believe anything he says. He lied to me through the whole discovery phase and trickled the truth. He was my best friend I truly trusted him 100%. Yes it’s been 9 months since The first discovery but he lived a secret life for 5 years. He tells me that I am crazy for being so upset about this and I need to accept it, trust him again because he “promised it will never happen again” and move on. He just wants me to shut up about it. I’m trying my best to move on but it’s so very hard. The pain never seems to be getting better. He tells me I better not be talking to or flirting with any men behind his back or doing anything similar that he did to me almost everyday. He continues to downplay what he did and tries to compare our situation to others who he thinks is dealing with something worse.


I don’t know what to do at this point. I love him so much but this pain is still eating away at me. He says he is ok with therapy but he never follows through with me. I don’t want to be bitter or continue to throw what he did up in his face. I’m just broken and exhausted. Some days I want to fight and some days I just want to walk away. I feel stuck, hurt, and confused. I don’t even feel like myself anymore. I don’t feel beautiful anymore. I use to be secure in myself but that feeling is long gone.
 
Teufel
 
  1  
Reply Sat 8 Aug, 2020 02:56 am
@Shay0104,
The internet is a difficult place to ask for advice as mostly people have very little to offer but their own opinion. So I will say that my wife is a Dr of Psychology, we have 30 years together. Plus, at one point in my life I was a professional interrogator, so I do have an intimate understanding of how people think.

Quote: "He said he cares nothing about her but how can you talk to someone you care nothing about for almost five years?"

Because your husband does not think as most people do, he is with little doubt a paranoid narcissist . Ergo, the only entity he cares for is himself.

This link maybe useful to you for some research:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/spycatcher/201805/living-the-paranoid-narcissist

As might this:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/toxic-relationships/201806/how-handle-narcissistic-abuse


The basic bottom line is that he has a mental outlook which in truth has no 'cure'. He sees nothing wrong with what he does as long as his needs are met.

Confrontation absolutely does not work with such people. To interrogate such personalities you praise their intelligence and let them talk ... because they are their own favourite subject.

If you want to see a paranoid narcissist in action then just look at Trump. Because he is one. Trump is a man who had Time and Forbes magazine covers faked lauding himself as a genius businessman .... which he then has hung in pride of place in his hotels.

If Shay104 you want a 'normal' relationship, then your husband is I would surmise not able to provide that; Not how he thinks or sees the world.

Unfortunately through no fault of your own, you find yourself in a difficult position. Therefore my actual advice is that you, without informing anyone else especially your husband, is get to see a professional psychological counsellor or maybe talk to one on the phone.

Because you need someone who understands your husband's condition, so they can help you through the complex maze which that extracting yourself from your marriage may well present.

If you want any further input, please pm me.


0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Sat 8 Aug, 2020 03:39 am
@Shay0104,
The guy has already been caught in numerous lies, and it looks like he's still lying to you.

Decide if that's how you want things to be, because it seems highly unlikely that his behavior will ever change.

And don't say that you can't leave because you invested 9 years or maybe you have kids or whatever. Those are not good reasons to stay together if it's over.
0 Replies
 
BillRM
 
  -2  
Reply Sat 8 Aug, 2020 09:25 am
@Shay0104,
Take his computer to someone that know what they are doing an have them install software bugs to see if he is still a player
justaguy2
 
  1  
Reply Sat 8 Aug, 2020 12:16 pm
@BillRM,
It would be much easier to just look at their browsing history, unless they are smart enough to disable browser history, or use tor browser. But if the OP has already established their husband is cheating on them anyway and/or they can't trust them, then the OP would be far better off just taking jespah's advice and move on.

Also, depending on the laws where you live, installing questionable software to record and/or track someone's movements/usage could have legal risks if it's their computer and it's not owned by the OP. Also, "software bugs" means problems in the software's code that causes said application to not work correctly/as intended either only under certain conditions, or all of the time (depending on the bug in question). So not sure how anyone could install a "software bug" as such, but you certainly could install a buggy app - but why would anyone want to do that unless you're the developer debugging it ?
RABEL222
 
  1  
Reply Sat 8 Aug, 2020 02:03 pm
@justaguy2,
You have to decide if you will be happier with him than without him. If I were in your shoes i would scoot out the door as fast as possible.
izzythepush
 
  2  
Reply Sat 8 Aug, 2020 02:37 pm
@BillRM,
Yes because all good relationships are based on having everything verified by a third party.

Who needs trust?
BillRM
 
  -1  
Reply Sun 9 Aug, 2020 05:46 am
@izzythepush,
izzythepush wrote:

Yes because all good relationships are based on having everything verified by a third party.

Who needs trust?


LOL my very very silly English friend who love to try to find any reason to attack me.

Now the man have a history of cheating so she have every right and every reason to question his promise to go straight beside having the right to check if he is telling the truth this time.

That bit of information could be helpful for her in deciding to go on with the relationship or not.
0 Replies
 
neptuneblue
 
  4  
Reply Sun 9 Aug, 2020 07:08 am
@Shay0104,
Shay0104 wrote:

He has deleted everything and cut everything off supposedly. He has literally begged me to stay and said the thought of me being with another man kills him and that he is going to fight for our marriage. He has expressed that he is ashamed of what he did and that is still very sexually attracted to me. He said he refuses to throw away everything we built together. I feel like the person I thought I married is someone else and I can’t believe anything he says. He lied to me through the whole discovery phase and trickled the truth. He was my best friend I truly trusted him 100%. Yes it’s been 9 months since The first discovery but he lived a secret life for 5 years. He tells me that I am crazy for being so upset about this and I need to accept it, trust him again because he “promised it will never happen again” and move on. He just wants me to shut up about it. I’m trying my best to move on but it’s so very hard. The pain never seems to be getting better. He tells me I better not be talking to or flirting with any men behind his back or doing anything similar that he did to me almost everyday. He continues to downplay what he did and tries to compare our situation to others who he thinks is dealing with something worse.


These aren't the words and actions of someone who cares about you and your needs. I'm hoping, by rereading the highlighted portions of your own sentenses, will you realize the veiled threats, the gaslighting, the lies and the inaction on his part to really be the person you deserve to be with.

No one here can tell you to stay or go. That's totally up to you. If you do stay, just be aware the life you're leading today will be the life you have next year, in five more years, in twenty.

Is this the life you want for yourself?
0 Replies
 
Medusax
 
  1  
Reply Sun 9 Aug, 2020 03:58 pm
@Shay0104,
LOL!! Sounds like my past relationships except one. They cheat, you tell them to leave, they beg you to stay, so they can cheat some more. Same old,
same old.
0 Replies
 
justaguy2
 
  2  
Reply Mon 10 Aug, 2020 09:01 am
@RABEL222,
I think jespah has hit the nail on the head, so I agree with them totally on this one.

How can you trust someone who has told a number of lies, a number of times? I personally wouldn't.
0 Replies
 
 

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