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My Friendship Dilemma??

 
 
Jeff01
 
Tue 20 Jul, 2021 09:11 am
Hi all. I am new here, because I am trying to get some advice, that I can’t really find the answer to anywhere else. Okay, here is my dilemma. I am a 50 year old divorced guy. My friend is a 50 year old married woman, with 3 children, and I have known her for the last 40+ years, since when we started Kindergarten together with each other, at like 6 years old, and we are really good friends.

We talk with each other every single day, for hours at a time, and we like all the same things, and have so much in common. We talk about everything from sports, politics, weather, gardening, TV shows, movies, etc.

Now here’s the problem, I Love Her. Yes, I love her as a friend, but I love her, love her as well. I mean I certainly don’t want to ruin her marriage with her husband, or ruin her family life, even though there is problems in her marriage from her husband verbally and mentally abusing her for a long time now. I’m just not sure if I should tell her my true feelings for her, because I don’t know if that might even ruin things between us!?

It’s just we both have so many things in common, and love so much of the same things, that deep down in my heart, I truly believe that she is my soulmate in this life, but unfortunately, our paths went different directions somewhere in life.

And being 50 years old already, I’m getting up there in life, plus say something were to happen to me tomorrow, like I get hit by a car crossing the street, and I don’t make it. She will have never known my true feelings for her, that I really love her with all my heart.

I’m so confused over what to do!? Please help, and offer me advice!! Sad
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Jeff01
 
  1  
Tue 20 Jul, 2021 09:13 am
@Jeff01,
One of the reasons why I’m confused is because of something that she herself has told me.

A few years ago, she lost her Dad, who she was very close to, when he died unexpectedly from a heart attack during the middle of the night. So she is always telling people, myself included, which is:

“If you love someone, make sure that you tell them today, because you aren’t promised a tomorrow.”

I don’t want to ruin anything and jeopardize my 43-year-old friendship with her. I don’t want to ruin her family life for her children. But I do want her to know, incase something ever did happen to me, before I ever got a chance to tell her, how special she has always been to me, and that even though we might be only really close friends, I will always love her with all my heart.
Jeff01
 
  1  
Tue 20 Jul, 2021 09:25 am
@Jeff01,
And not to go into too many details, but for those wondering, yes, there have been problems between her and her husband over the last couple of years. He is often very verbally abusive to her, constantly calling her names like "fat", "ugly", "worthless", "a 450 pound beached whale", and much worse. She is actually underweight, and only weighs 90 pounds!

It's gotten so bad between her and the husband, that they sleep in separate bedrooms, and have been for 2 years now. She also told me that they haven't even had sex with each other in over 2 years as well. He has his own bedroom upstairs, and she has her own bedroom downstairs.

Unfortunately, they both own everything 50/50, the house, the cars, a vacation home in another state, etc. It’s gotten so bad that they have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for the last two years. She has told the husband to leave, but he refuses to do so because he says, “it’s his house too.” He said that he wants “her to leave.”

She’s afraid that if she leaves, he’s going to run right to his lawyer and claim that she “abandoned the three kids, and took off, and left them behind,” and then he will get custody of them. I asked her what she plans on doing about this whole situation, and she said that while she “HATES her husband, the kids are her whole life, and she can’t leave them behind, so she stays there and remains miserable, being stuck married to this guy.”

She can’t just leave and take the kids with her because she has no place to go. After all, she has no job besides being a mom and a housewife. Her only income is monthly SSI because she has many physical and mental health problems that she deals with, like severe depression, severe anxiety, memory loss, adult ADHD, asthma, allergies, problems with her neck, back, and both knees, etc.

And unfortunately, I don’t have the room to take her and her three kids in because I’m only in a one-bedroom place right now.
Jeff01
 
  1  
Tue 20 Jul, 2021 09:32 am
@Jeff01,
And the funny thing is, while I am 100% percent heterosexual and straight, I don’t even look at, or think about my female friend sexually at all. Here’s the thing though, I don’t want her and me to have an extramarital affair.

And it’s weird because I probably should, because she’s gorgeous, 5 foot 2, 90 pounds, long straight Blond hair, and gorgeous light Brown eyes, a great smile that will light up a room, she’s a real beauty, but I don’t even think about her sexually.

I went through a bad marriage, in which I was verbally abused by my ex-wife, who had a seriously bad gambling addiction and refused to get help for it, and who ended up stealing money and valuables from both my family members and me, creating problems in which they were mad at me because of what she did.

I have also battled with anxiety and depression because of things my ex-wife did to me, and my female friend understands this and is always there to talk to me, support me, listen to me, etc. Her just talking to me, and caring for me, and being a great friend to me, is what makes me love her.

She has been such a blessing to me over the last four years that I don’t know where I would be if she weren’t in my life, and so I love her as a friend, but I love her as a companion as well. But I don’t even think about doing anything with her physically or sexually, because I appreciate what we have with each other right now.

Would I ever want to have a physical or sexual relationship with her? I haven’t even really thought about it. I mean, though, the only thing I have thought about regarding something physical is when her husband, a bully, mentally and emotionally berates her. When he calls her names like “fat”, "ugly", "worthless", or "a 450 pound beached whale", I just wish that I could hold her in my arms, stroke her long blond hair, touch her on the cheek, and tell her how much of a beautiful woman she really is.
engineer
 
  1  
Tue 20 Jul, 2021 11:17 am
@Jeff01,
Jeff01 wrote:

I don’t want her and me to have an extramarital affair.

Well, that is your answer then. Enjoy your friendship since that is what you want and don't mess it up by saying something that implies you want something different.
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  1  
Tue 20 Jul, 2021 12:01 pm
@Jeff01,
Jeff01 wrote:

So she is always telling people, myself included, which is:

“If you love someone, make sure that you tell them today, because you aren’t promised a tomorrow.”


If she is saying this to many people then it is not just directed to you. And IF she is saying this then you would have to assume she would have said she loved you already if she did love you. So you have your answer.

Find someone who is available. She is not. Her marriage issues are for her to deal with between her and her husband. She is not available - move on.
Linkat
 
  0  
Tue 20 Jul, 2021 12:06 pm
@Jeff01,
Jeff01 wrote:

And not to go into too many details, but for those wondering, yes, there have been problems between her and her husband over the last couple of years. He is often very verbally abusive to her, constantly calling her names like "fat", "ugly", "worthless", "a 450 pound beached whale", and much worse. She is actually underweight, and only weighs 90 pounds!


As a friend - I would encourage her to seek counseling help rather than being a romantic partner. She needs help on her marriage whether it is moving on or repairing it. But that is for her to decide and her husband without you muddying the waters further.

Be a friend and help her find a resource that can help her emotionally and maybe even legally.

You pursuing her romantically is just going to cause more issues. She is not in a steady and solid emotional and mental state. If you were a true friend you would want her to solve her mental state and be strong before attaching anything romantic. She needs a good friend - not an affair (whether it be emotional or physical).

Quote:
I have also battled with anxiety and depression because of things my ex-wife did to me


You are in no position to help her. If you have battled with the above - then you are not the stable person to help her - sympathize and understand her, yes; she needs a stable counselor to guide her.
0 Replies
 
Saloli
 
  0  
Sun 25 Jul, 2021 03:05 pm
@Jeff01,
Your story rings so true to me. I am married 4 kids, 2 are adults. My husband is passive aggressive and insults me thinking it is a joke. I am depressed coming home to a house filled with comics and collectibles. He has never grown up really. I was talking via email to a friend I have known for nearly 30 years. We started writing daily either by text or email. Recently our relationship has become sexual. This has only compounded problems. I can't seem to figure out where some feelings begin and end. I am in love with my friend. His 7 year relationship just ended. If you love her be there for her, but wait to have sex with her. If you don't things become muddled and more difficult. I have recently moved out and need time to figure out what I really need. I am happy away from my marriage, but have difficulty when I have to go back "home" to see the kids that stayed. That puts me in an awkward position. I don't want to hurt the friend I am having an affair with. He means too much. If you are curious about her interest in you, know that if you are writing daily you likely have her heart. If you encourage her, support her, and boost her self image she likely has feelings for you. Women want to be cherished, adored, loved. If you can't take her and her kids in however any relationship you try to have will be complicated at best. She likely wont leave her husband - who is familiar and provides support for her kids - unless you are able to take care of those things. Kids come first. The friend I am seeing would be a better provider than my husband so that is not something that has interfeared with my situation. I just turned 50 this year. Life is too short. I don't want to be miserable for the remaining years I have left which is why I chose to have the affair. He has made me feel unbelievably loved. I wish you luck
Jeff01
 
  1  
Thu 5 Aug, 2021 11:46 pm
@Saloli,
Now things are really confusing for me 😢 My friend has had a rough last couple of weeks constantly bickering with her verbally abusive husband. A few days ago, she was outside working in her flower and vegetable garden all day, and when she went inside all covered in dirt and sweat, the husband said to her "Do you ever take a shower you fat slob!?".

Another day after it rained hard they got water in their basement. She told her husband about it, and his response was, "YOU take care of it, I'm going to the grocery store!!". So anyway, I am always trying to be there for her, and we have been talking and texting even more now, morning, noon, and night.

But about a week ago is where things changed. She actually told me that I'm "her forever bestie/bff" and now she's always telling me "I love you bestie!!", or "I love you my bff!!".

So now this has me even more confused, on if she only wants a forever friend and nothing more? Or should I ask her if she sees a chance that we could possibly have a future together as an actual couple, if she ever decides to leave her jerk husband?

Do I risk alienating her, by asking her to tell me what her thoughts are, and where she stands about a possible future together, so that I don't have to keep playing guessing games!?

Please Help!!!!!
0 Replies
 
Jeff01
 
  1  
Fri 6 Aug, 2021 06:46 am
@Linkat,
Now things are really confusing for me 😢 My friend has had a rough last couple of weeks constantly bickering with her verbally abusive husband. A few days ago, she was outside working in her flower and vegetable garden all day, and when she went inside all covered in dirt and sweat, the husband said to her "Do you ever take a shower you fat slob!?".

Another day after it rained hard they got water in their basement. She told her husband about it, and his response was, "YOU take care of it, I'm going to the grocery store!!". So anyway, I am always trying to be there for her, and we have been talking and texting even more now, morning, noon, and night.

But about a week ago is where things changed. She actually told me that I'm "her forever bestie/bff" and now she's always telling me "I love you bestie!!", or "I love you my bff!!".

So now this has me even more confused, on if she only wants a forever friend and nothing more? Or should I ask her if she sees a chance that we could possibly have a future together as an actual couple, if she ever decides to leave her jerk husband?

Do I risk alienating her, by asking her to tell me what her thoughts are, and where she stands about a possible future together, so that I don't have to keep playing guessing games!?
Linkat
 
  2  
Fri 6 Aug, 2021 07:19 am
@Jeff01,
My thoughts do not change.

She is married - end of story - until she breaks off with him you are a friend nothing more.
0 Replies
 
Jingleboots
 
  0  
Wed 15 Sep, 2021 12:51 pm
@Jeff01,
First of all, she is married. I can see how you would feel the way you do, but at the same time, she has children that can be devastated by separation or even divorce if anything happens. Your friend is being disrespectful to her husband by staying on the phone and talking with you for hours each day, that makes no sense. Do you think she would do that to you if you were together? Would you think it's OK for your wife to talk to a certain guy for hours each day? Dude! Back off. Leave her alone and move on. She is spoken for, no matter how she acts. It's none of your business what type problems they have at home. She is a big girl and if she wants to end things she will, but it need not be due to your relationship with her. This type of stuff ruins people's lives. Leave her alone.
0 Replies
 
Jingleboots
 
  1  
Wed 13 Oct, 2021 07:55 am
@Jeff01,
Well, this scenario raises its ugly head again. Any time that two friends of the opposite sex are so close that they talk for hours at a time, while one is married (or both) , the friendship is not respectfully nurtured. Usually one of the two are going to develop feelings that are very dangerous for all parties involved, especially those with children.

With that being said, the best thing you can do for YOU, HER, her kids and husband is to explain to her that the "talks" need to stop and you need to move on. Do not tell her because she may end up breaking up her marriage and kids lives to be with you and that should never happen.

Just tell yourself, she's taken. She is not available to you in any way, especially emotionally, because she has a husband. You should seek counseling to find out why you allow yourself to be put in this situation. It is not healthy for anyone and can end very badly. You may be codependent with her and don't know how to 'let go' and counseling can help you. This is not fair to you, either so my advice is to seek counseling about this and break the ties and move on.
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