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affair 20 years ago but just hit me

 
 
Reply Tue 3 Sep, 2013 03:44 pm
My wife had an affair 20 years ago. We had a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old. I did not want to allow it to break us up then as I thought it would be devastating for all especially the children. I am 43 and inescapably it has hit me out the blue 3 weeks ago. I am totally devastated and do not know what to do. Any help or advice would be appreciated
 
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Tue 3 Sep, 2013 03:53 pm
@adam1937,
Have you talked with your wife? Or seen a counsellor? That's what I suggest.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Tue 3 Sep, 2013 03:54 pm
@adam1937,
Did you two ever really talk about it, or did it all go under the rug?

Not to just defend her out of hand, but she may have had her own big anxieties about life and couldn't really talk to you about them, for whatever reason, maybe her, maybe you, or both - and reached out to someone else. I am guessing you haven't talked at length about all this since then.
roger
 
  0  
Reply Tue 3 Sep, 2013 03:56 pm
@adam1937,
Forget about it. Twenty years after all. . . .
0 Replies
 
adam1937
 
  2  
Reply Tue 3 Sep, 2013 04:02 pm
@ossobuco,
We never really talked about it then. I have tried to talk now and I feel she is basicallg of tbe view it was 20 years ago I am still here, deal with it. I am in a weird state of mind in that I feel it happened last week. Thanks for your reply.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Tue 3 Sep, 2013 04:14 pm
@adam1937,
Are you generally able to speak about important matters?
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  3  
Reply Tue 3 Sep, 2013 04:15 pm
@adam1937,
Well, you may not be still here/there if you end up questioning your lives together. 43 is in a mid life age for rethinking and moving on.

I'm no expert on counselling, have been if anything somewhat antagonistic to what I've taken as a fad of it. I have too many psych major pals, and guess why they were psych majors? Kidding, but not entirely. But, I'd suggest at least doing some reading and then maybe getting into counselling, together or by yourself.

On the other hand, why look for a missing bolt if you've been essentially happy in your lives. Why is this coming up now?
adam1937
 
  2  
Reply Tue 3 Sep, 2013 04:24 pm
@ossobuco,
Thank you for your words. I have always been able to deal with most things in life that have been thrown at me but this really has hit me and I have no explanation or trigger for what has caused it now. I am at a loss and I have tried talking to her but this is met with indignation and indifference. I do get that she must be thinking, why now? And what has brought this on but I cannot explain it. I hate her but love her.
Frank Apisa
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Sep, 2013 04:25 pm
@adam1937,
You are going to get a lot more of what has come your way in the form of "advice", Adam...so allow me to diverge from the majority here.

Yeah, sometimes a thing from the past does come and bite ya on the ass...and dealing with it can be every bit as difficult as if it happened just yesterday.

You are not living something weird...you are just feeling a (very) delayed reaction to a difficult turn of events.

Gotta wonder if something else is happening in your life right now to trigger this thing.

So you see anything out of place...some reason to suddenly have this thing leap up at you?

Give that some thought.
ossobuco
 
  3  
Reply Tue 3 Sep, 2013 04:31 pm
@Frank Apisa,
eh? what advice by me or us are you jabbing at?

Tell us how you wisely diverged.
0 Replies
 
eurocelticyankee
 
  6  
Reply Tue 3 Sep, 2013 04:34 pm
@Frank Apisa,
Dear Frankie,

I've been having a few problems lately and I was wondering if you had a half hour to spare......
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Tue 3 Sep, 2013 04:36 pm
@eurocelticyankee,
<snicker>
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Tue 3 Sep, 2013 04:37 pm
@Frank Apisa,
Frank Apisa wrote:

You are going to get a lot more of what has come your way in the form of "advice", Adam...so allow me to diverge from the majority here.


since only one person offered "advice", you're going to have to explain this a bit
Frank Apisa
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Sep, 2013 04:42 pm
Adam...I hope you got my message.
Frank Apisa
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Sep, 2013 04:45 pm
@ehBeth,
ehBeth wrote:

Frank Apisa wrote:

You are going to get a lot more of what has come your way in the form of "advice", Adam...so allow me to diverge from the majority here.


since only one person offered "advice", you're going to have to explain this a bit


Since more than one person has offered "advice"...I doubt the explanation would do much good.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Sep, 2013 04:47 pm
Also, none of my business, what happened in 1937?
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Tue 3 Sep, 2013 04:53 pm
Some people are quiet, even severely quiet, until they lash out. Some lash out off and on and are generally vocal, but you usually get a clue to what they are thinking. Some avoid flash points to keep peace. Peace can be uneasy, perhaps for years and years. Never really talking can build up a mountain.

Talking can cause trouble, but can potentially bring understanding if anyone is listening.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 3 Sep, 2013 09:55 pm
Your wife is probably surprised and irritated that you are bringing this up now, but apparently you never got the issue settled in your mind. It is still raw.

I agree with Frank. What triggered this off for YOU? Try to backtrack your activities and see if something has happened recently that gave you the same feelings you had at that time.

Don't apologize or dismiss this feeling. I can think back to incidences from my first marriage - and in one second those feelings can still set me off (betrayal, hurt, loneliness, etc.)
.
adam1937
 
  1  
Reply Wed 4 Sep, 2013 01:01 am
@PUNKEY,
Thankyou all for your words. I really am unsure what has triggered the feelings now however, even if I could pin point what the trigger was, my big issue now is what can I now do to deal with the betrayal. It really does feel like it happened last week
adam1937
 
  1  
Reply Wed 4 Sep, 2013 01:04 am
@Frank Apisa,
Yes, I did thankyou, I value any advice at the moment as the situation is eating me up.
 

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