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Please help

 
 
Reply Sun 27 Jun, 2021 06:20 am
I've been divorced for 2 years, own a business the past 3 years with my best guy friend of 18 years. He's married. Our families were friendly for many years thru our kids.
As friends, i know his marriage has been on the rocks for at least 8 years, past few years in particular have been horrid. She's very difficult which is why i ended our relationship years ago. I can't be friends with her, she is not the nicest person.
9 months ago, he admitted his feelings for me. I have always had feelings for him and admitted mine. started an affair. There's Always been an emotional affair going on with us. She questioned him a couple of times in the past about our relationship, nothing was going on at all and he said that, she's dropped it.

After 2 months of just making out and all that stuff, it became fully physical. We own a business together and see each other a few times a week. We talk at least 10 times a day and text througout.
She has no idea- i dont think. If she does, she doesn't care.
She hasn't had sex with him in 4.5 years, again, i know this bc he'd ask for advice when i was still married and we were simply best friends. He said she says she doesn't care if she never has sex again, not interested. They also dont communicate. It's a roommate situation and a bad one at that. He feels emasculated - he should.
He sticks around for his youngest - 16 yo and has said for YEARS (when we were just friends) that as soon as his youngest is graduated and in the military, he is out of there. They live a "fairytale life" from the outside - all the stuff, the friends, etc. But those close to them know the truth, it's a nightmare.
When this all happened, we discussed what to do from here. Discussed doing this until he graduates and then he will leave her. Not entirely sure about that - i think he's scared of what others will think. He's fed up with her and thre are days that her fights with him are so horrid (I've witnessed them) that i can't believe he's sticking it out. HE's afraid for money, for stuff, for the unknown, etc.
We dont have that conversation often bc i dont really want to know what i dont want to know. I'm afraid that he may not ever leave. By the way, he's a total guys guy so just that he seems to just put up with her makes me shake my head.
We truly do have the best relationship and i want this to work out.
We talk about Everything, of course the sex is amazing, the friendship is solid, the connection has always been there.

Our families (kids) are all the same ages, all get along great. His kids keep asking him WHY he stays with her (i've heard them ask it many times!), she's just a Bitch to them all.
My question - WHY would a guy who is treated this way at home (and by the way..again, i know these aren't a bunch of lines..i know and see first hand how it's all real.) and not just leave especially if he and i have discussed after it's over and being together?

I find it VERY hard to imagine that he's feeding me lines...with a business and long friendship at stake. I know his feelings for me are solid, as are mine. I just dont know how i'm going to do this for the next year and a half. He says he feels bad when he does things with his family - which by the way are rare with her bc she can't be bothered...but they do go for dinners on occasion and i do get jealous but i dont tell him that.

Also, a couple of months ago - after 4.5 years of no sex..she came onto him. He turned her down and she threw a massive fit..to the point he called his best friend after (who i am also friends with ) and filled him in. (His Best friend doesn't know aobut us). He told him ... 4.5 years and she decided to try, i couldn't get it up even if i wanted to. She doesn't turn me on, i dont love her and i didn't want to. She had a massive fit that he doesn't find her attractive or any of that. He blamed it on 'guy problems'.
I honestly think it was a test. I think she maybe a little bit was interested but i think she thinks perhaps something is going on and was testing him.
I dont know.
Just help on all of it.
I do NOT want to end this. I do NOT want to give it up. I'm just trying to understand a guys point of view and get some advice on how to swim in these waters.
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jespah
 
  2  
Reply Sun 27 Jun, 2021 08:08 am
@alwayshadacrush,
$

It's all about the money, honey.

Otherwise, he would leave before his youngest graduated. His kids already know their parents' marriage is a shambles. He's not protecting them.

As for what others think, what century is this guy living in? People get divorced. All. The. Time. It barely causes a raised eyebrow these days. He's not protecting his reputation. Most people will not care.

So it comes down to bucks.

He's putting you off for money.

How does that make you feel?

You don't have to tell me. Just ask yourself that question. How does it feel to be put on hold in favor of Ben Franklin, Andrew Jackson, Alexander Hamilton, and the like?

Oh, and think long and hard about your business. Your affair is not good for it. And, deep down, I bet you know that. You honestly think hormones and hanky panky aren't affecting the decisions you both make? Are you sure you can contradict him if it's better for the business? What if you wanted to sell your share to him? Would you get a fair price? Or would you take less to be nice to him? Or accept more if he's generous, potentially alerting the IRS to questions about whether your returns are reflecting an undervalued business?

Again, you don't need to tell me or justify anything to me.

Just think about these things.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 Jun, 2021 09:39 am
I’m 73. Do you know the MANY times I have seen this crap?

Yes dear, it’s about the money AND his pride. He doesn’t like the idea he might be considered the “guy who left his wife.”

The question is not why he stays ... the question is why you have regulated your role to be “ the other woman” to this coward?

Give him a deadline to decide what ( you think) is the importance of what you two share. ( true love?) That will be a test if he has the balls to divorce, set up his home, maintain his business, and be prepared to pay child support and maybe alimony.

Plus, the business will be tipsy turvy because of it. So have a buyout figure in mind just to be sure YOU are protected.

He’s using up your precious time. He’s either in or out.



alwayshadacrush
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 Jun, 2021 04:45 pm
@jespah,
You are right. Thank you. It IS about the money. Everything is. I think i've known that from the start. He's a first responder and has a nice 401K waiting for him in 8 years. The way i see it..and haven't said it..is "ok, you want to wait 2 years until he graduates.. you'll be splitting that 401K with her whether you want to or not. Even if you want to give her more of the house or just give her the house... you'll still have to split things. So you either split 700K now or 750K in 2 years... pick your poison.
He saw the nightmare and devistation that my divorce caused and the time and i think it scares him. It should... it's scary and lengthy and not a good time.
If i wasn't in the picture, i dont think he would have ever left her regardless of how unhappy he is. I think this is a little bit more of an incentive to go through with it.
As for the business, it's starting to get really busy now. It was built during covid as a side part to the business of his that I have worked with him on for the past 6 years. So as for splitting it and buying out - it's not even at that point where it would matter to be honest. But its headed that way for $.
It doesn't feel good to be on hold for money. I get it but i don't.
Knowing divorce is coming is scaring. Contemplating divorce is scary. Going through divorce is scary. Once on the otherside, it's worth it. And only those people who get through it and to the otherside understand that. Until then people hold off bc of the unknown.
It's not as bad as they think after all.
Thank you.
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alwayshadacrush
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 Jun, 2021 04:57 pm
@PUNKEY,
Thank you. It is also about his pride. Yes. 100%. He WILL be considered the guy who left his wife...his in laws, her bunches of friends, his friends wont care - in fact, they'd celebrate him. His first responder family - most of them are going through the same thing, they wouldn't bat an eye.

In response to your question. I don't know why i regulated my role as that. I've always had feelings for him and i think just that it actually happened...i dont know.
I so much enjoy what we do have together. He really is my best friend and has been for the better part of 18 years. I go to him for everything. First person i call with good news, bad news, for advice, etc. He's the same with me. I know i know.. I can hear the eye rolls. But that's my reality. I thought i believed guys and girls can be just friends.. i thought we were the exception to the rule that its possible. I thought wrong.
When we discussed this originally, I agreed to the deadline of after his son graduates and goes into the military. That's what we discussed, agreed and set as a plan. With taht said, i didn't realize it would be this hard.
He mentions on occasion that he worries that I want to be living my life and dont want to 'wait around' for him. I've said to him more than once... if you want to end this, let's do that and protect our relationship and get it somehow to what it was. He says he doesn't want that but he feels bad .. i assure him i want to be with him too and it's ok for now. But it's hard on him as well as on me.
YEs, he's eating his cake and having it too...most guys are like that and enjoy it. I mentined that to him once and he said "Well, i'm not your typical guy and that's not at all how i think of this and you shojld know that". The thing is... if it wasn't like that, he'd get the balls to move on and Fk all the stuff that he's afraid of and his pride. I know that.
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alwayshadacrush
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 Jun, 2021 05:00 pm
@PUNKEY,
Also , purely out of curiosity.. you mentioned you've seen this crap over and over. Can i ask you for your honest response that - does it EVER work out? Does this stuff always fail? Do men Always lie about these things?
I'm genuinely curious.
Not going to lie...everyone thinks their situation is 'special' and 'different'. But ours kind of is. Not the feelings part...but the entire entangled lives part which makes me just feel like - this isn't some rando pair of people who met at a bar or at work or blah blah blah.
This has been 18 years of a bunch of stuff.
Just curious.
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Sun 27 Jun, 2021 07:06 pm
@alwayshadacrush,
The women are angry at themselves. Feeling betrayed because all of the “excuses” for time ( the kids are the most common) used for the men not acting on their promises never happened.

Later, there is no financial protection or allowances. They had no say in the medical concerns at the end. Had to be in the background for holidays and funerals. Adult children ignore these women when the man dies. No inheritance.

And then there’s when the divorce or death of the wife happens, the man leaves the “ other woman” and enjoys his new found freedom and hooks up with a younger woman.

Just relating what I have seen.
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