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Husband cheated whilst I was pregnant

 
 
Lizzy8
 
Reply Sat 6 Apr, 2019 05:13 pm
Hi everyone,

This is a a long story so please bear with me.

My husband and I have been together for 10 & married for 6 years. We get along very well (lots of same interests, mutual friends,work in same industry). We now have 2 beautiful kids-a 2yo and a 1yo.

Our first child was unexpected and we were enjoying life and traveling at the time and had to go from having a great social life to needing to settle down. I had severe post natal depression and feel that was where things went downhill. My husband tried to be there for me but I just wanted to be alone. Being first time parents is hard enough as is, and his temper has always been quite short. So there were many trying moments and he felt like I wasn't there for him (which was difficult as I was still recovering from birth and fighting depression).

When my baby was 6mo I fell pregnant with the 2nd one. There were issues with the pregnancy and I was literally in hospital every week for monitoring. On top of that, I was working quite a lot (we work in the same team). So stress levels were just generally high and I was just super tired.

I didn't really consider anything else apart from getting through the pregnancy as it was hard having a toddler and being pregnant. My husband helped a lot with the toddler so that helped too.

Towards the end of the pregnancy I was told I needed to be induced which I was very worried and anxious about. Was given a day's notice (I was still working and had to just leave) and it was Valentine's Day. So we went out for a nice dinner and he bought roses and another gift.

That night I was packing my bag and transferring photos from my phone onto the Pc. My plan was to get an early night's sleep as I needed to head to hospital at 6am the next day. Anyway, as I was on the PC, his mobile messages were also synced and I then saw a bunch of messages between him and another girl. The last messages were him telling her that he was still at work on Valentines day and he had no plans. There were plenty of messages going back and forth, and in short, his alter ego was single, broke up with his gf and happy to hook up.

I was furious and was yelling and crying and threw his roses on the floor. He said sorry and calmed me down and told me to get rest. He didn't consider it to be cheating as they never got physical and he said he never had intensions of meeting her in person. It was 'just for fun'. So we went to bed and he fell asleep but I was still so upset I couldnt sleep. So I took my bag and was leaving the house when he woke up and told me he was sorry again. He said he needed help and promised to seek help if I forgave him. By then it was 2am and I was exhausted so I agreed and we went to bed again.

So bubs was born and that was left aside for a while, neither of us bringing it up. I was seeing a psychologist for my depression and now this as well. He never seeked help as he promised until nearly a year later when I forced him to. And it took him months as he was not proactive in doing so. His defence was that he had never been to a psychologist and was not comfortable with it. I gave him that and just let it be.

Fast forward over a year now, I'm still unable to trust him and apart from those few sorries he has done nothing to gain my trust again. My self esteem is at an all time low and I feel like whenever he has issues and feel I'm not able to help, he will seek elsewhere. We have not been intimate for over a year (last time was on that valentines day so getting intimate just brings back memories). So my husband and I are now merely housemates. On top of that, the whole ordeal links to my baby's birth so thinking about his birthday just makes me sad.

We are currently seeing a psychologist and have had 2 sessions. But he lost his job 2mo ago so have been at home with no motivation to do anything (kids are at care). I feel like these couple counselling sessions will be a waste until he sorts himself out as he is emotionally unavailable now and goes through different mood swings. I'm trying my best to be there for him but it's exhausting as I also have my own battles to deal with (& a baby who wakes 3-4 times a night). My way of pushing myself to get back up and feel better about myself was to start a side business which I have been doing to keep my mind busy. But this means I'm up until 3am every night working on it once everyone else is asleep.

I'm not sure what advice I'm seeking but just needed to vent as I have not told anyone else about all this apart from the psychologist who I see once a month. I do want things to work between us as we got along so well once, but more and more I'm just exhausted and feel like I deserve to be appreciated and respected more. Is this marriage worth salvaging? Does he deserve forgiveness?

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Type: Question • Score: 10 • Views: 629 • Replies: 20

 
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Sat 6 Apr, 2019 09:59 pm
@Lizzy8,
Quote:
I was seeing a psychologist for my depression and now this as well. He never seeked help as he promised until nearly a year later when I forced him to. And it took him months as he was not proactive in doing so. His defence was that he had never been to a psychologist and was not comfortable with it. I gave him that and just let it be.
I think this part struck me the most.

You had no such qualms about seeing a psychologist.

He's (your husband, not the psychologist) full of it, and you know it.

Decide what you want to do about that. And just letting it go is not an option which you can exercise again and again, forever and ever.
Lizzy8
 
  2  
Reply Sun 7 Apr, 2019 06:59 am
@jespah,
Thanks for your response. I guess I'm trying to look at the big picture. We have two kids and they both love him dearly. My head says he doesn't deserve to be with me but I still care and he's now going through more tough times which makes it hard for me to do anything really..
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Sun 7 Apr, 2019 07:26 am
@Lizzy8,
Then you're teaching your children that men can get away with pretty much anything so long as women are there to clean up their messes.
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Apr, 2019 02:56 pm
@jespah,
jespah wrote:

Then you're teaching your children that men can get away with pretty much anything so long as women are there to clean up their messes.


Hmm her husband in cheating on her when she was pregnant seems to now be qualify to run for President on a GOP ticket.
0 Replies
 
mystikmind
 
  0  
Reply Sun 7 Apr, 2019 09:30 pm
The big picture to me looks like your relationship has not transitioned to having children very well, and all the problems have grown out of that?

And also you have this disconnect on an intimate level - the relationship is all but dead and gone.

So where do you go from here?
If you both are at least able to maintain a good 'friendship' then staying together is good for the kids.... but ..... if your going to stay together for the kids sake, you have to have a plan how you both can be happy, otherwise it wont work.
Medusax
 
  0  
Reply Sun 7 Apr, 2019 11:19 pm
@Lizzy8,
Sorry to hear but you are not alone. I knew a woman once whose husband cheated on her while she was in the hospital having twins. I have also heard it on discussion panels, etc. Nothing they do surprises me.
BillRM
 
  2  
Reply Mon 8 Apr, 2019 12:31 am
@Medusax,
Medusax wrote:

Sorry to hear but you are not alone. I knew a woman once whose husband cheated on her while she was in the hospital having twins. I have also heard it on discussion panels, etc. Nothing they do surprises me.


THEY DO??????????

Who are they????????/

Men as a class perhaps?
Lizzy8
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Apr, 2019 02:17 am
@mystikmind,
Hi there, thanks for your feedback. It's pretty spot on! The hardest thing for me is to decide what to do. He's not in a good place right now and me leaving just doesn't feel right. It feels like a loveless marriage atm but we got along so well once that I'm just hopeful that one day once the kids are less dependant it will get better again..
0 Replies
 
Lizzy8
 
  2  
Reply Mon 8 Apr, 2019 02:20 am
@BillRM,
Sad yes It's quite common unfortunately... Happened to a few friends too. But in this situation he was not physically seeing these people so I guess it's something I can eventually forgive.. I'm just getting confused if chatting / flirting without intent to progress is the same as cheating?
Lizzy8
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Apr, 2019 02:21 am
@jespah,
Thank you for your response. I totally get it but it's really hard to just pack up and leave with 2 kids who are happy with their dad..
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Apr, 2019 05:15 am
@Lizzy8,
I do understand. And yes, it was only chatting which isn't the same as actual contact. Except he lied about it. And now he's essentially checked out of life.

If you want to stay together then get him to a doctor because from my side of the computer screen (I am not a doctor), he seems depressed. And you will need to do the heavy lifting here if he will not (spoiler alert: he won't), if you want the status quo to ever change.

Your children can still be able to see and spend time with the father they love even if your relationship ends or you separate.

Right now, you have 2 children in diapers and one parked in front of the TV, depression, a full-time job, and a side hustle. You cannot keep this up forever. Something's got to give, and I would bet dollars to doughnuts it'll be your health.
Lizzy8
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Apr, 2019 08:27 am
@jespah,
Yep you're spot on about everything. I've suggested a few psychiatrists to him, given him sites and have been encouraging him to seek help. His response is that he doesn't want to talk to anyone. My guess is until he finds another job (he was laid off unexpectedly and felt the whole situation was unfair and a setback for his career) he will continue to be this way. Thanks for your responses. I've been keeping this to myself for over a year now, so even if there's no resolve, it lightens the load to be able to talk about it!
mystikmind
 
  0  
Reply Mon 8 Apr, 2019 04:28 pm
@Lizzy8,
If it is depression, it may not necessarily be solved any time soon.
my sister had deep depression for many years and eventually manifested into schizophrenia.
What i saw about depression in my sister was this.... depression seems to be something like an 'entity' in its own right, inside the persons mind. It wants to preserve its existence, therefore the person will try to avoid things that might help them..... and when a person with depression does reach out to seek help, it is as difficult for them to do that as it is for a drug addict to turn away from drugs!
Medusax
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Apr, 2019 05:33 pm
@Lizzy8,
It usually DOES progress, that is the problem.
Medusax
 
  0  
Reply Mon 8 Apr, 2019 05:34 pm
@BillRM,
Yes. Exactly.
0 Replies
 
Lizzy8
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Apr, 2019 08:30 am
@mystikmind,
Yes I know how it feels as I've been through it myself. And thats why it makes this situation so difficult - knowing he is going through such a crappy mental state, I can only be here to support him (though lately he's started to block me out as well)
0 Replies
 
Lizzy8
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Apr, 2019 08:32 am
@Medusax,
I'm I naive in trying to be positive about it and trying to see some hope?
Ragman
 
  2  
Reply Tue 9 Apr, 2019 04:00 pm
@Lizzy8,
Only you and perhaps your therapist or couples counselor are the best judge of that. Asking strangers on the Internet is not going to help set a good course of action. Regardless of whether or not he wants to talk to anyone about his problems, you have to let her m know that you won’t stand for this behavioral abuse or neglect.

You’ve got my sympathy.
0 Replies
 
TatiCoen
 
  1  
Reply Sun 14 Apr, 2019 08:05 am
I reaaly think u need a good psychologist to figure it out.
0 Replies
 
 

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