When should you keep your mouth shut?

microbiologistgal--

Hold your dominion.

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microbiologistgal,

I generally try and stay away from threads that have to due with abortion, for I am pro life. However, this really isn't about that.

In reading your post, I was reminded of more than one guy that I know - who's g/f had an abortion. One was told after the fact and the other two were told before the fact. In all instances, it has had a dramatic effect on all three of them. Reason, being.....none of them wanted their child aborted.

So now they live with it. And it's very sad. Not only because they ended up hating the person whom they got pregnant.....but they live with the heartache of what she did to their child.

Please don't think I am faulting you for your decision. It's no one's place to judge another in these cases. For even though I, myself, am Pro Life.....I respect other's belief's also.

I guess my point is that unless you are willing to allow the childs father to have a say in the matter....then don't tell him. If it's not going to change anything and you KNOW you will have the abortion anyhow, then why take the chance of the childs father having to live with this for the rest of his life, if it's not his wishes.

I just think sometimes.....we are better off NOT knowing some things.

Either way....... it's your decision. Your choice. And I wish you the very best with whatever you decide, my friend.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v37/heavens_just_a_kiss_away/hug.gif

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See this is my dilemma!!! I am worried it will hurt him more if he knows. But I don't want to deny him the common courtesy of knowing . . .especially if he were to find out later and be mad that I didn't tell. Jeez.

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Does the question "honey, how do you feel about abortion" seem to difficult to bring up ?

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justa_babbling_brooke wrote:

I guess my point is that unless you are willing to allow the childs father to have a say in the matter....then don't tell him. If it's not going to change anything and you KNOW you will have the abortion anyhow, then why take the chance of the childs father having to live with this for the rest of his life, if it's not his wishes.

I just think sometimes.....we are better off NOT knowing some things.

I'm with Justa here. Telling him and then completely making up your own mind makes him powerless, at least if it's kept a secret then he'll have the ignorance of bliss.

I almost always would prefer knowing to not knowing, the one exception is when nothing can be done. Then I'd rather not know.

Edit: You say you're worried about him finding out. How would he find out?

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I think I assumed that by telling him you would be allowing him a say in the manner.

I guess I just don't understand why you wouldn't take the father's considerations in mind when making the decision.

I assume, unlike Noddy, that this is solely your dominion. Dominion is an aweful word if it is misused. Dominion can mean guardian of - or owner of. We tend to see dominion as lordship over. I tend, however, to see it as guardian of.

I think this one word sums up my first 4 pages of posts. If you see your relationship to both father and child in this case as lordship over - you will not tell him, you will make your decision. You see it as your right, and as legal - so the debate is over.

However, if you see it as guardian of protection and consideration of others will take place.

I think I agree with Brooke and in light of my misunderstanding of you telling him post mortem. If your mind is made up and you do not plan on changing it - no matter if he vehemently says he wants this child, no strings, and he will pay for everything - then don't tell him.

An analogy is this. If you are going to kick me in the sack - don't tell me before you do it - just do it. Also, there is no reason to tell me you kicked me in the sack after you have done it.

TTF

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MBGal, what is the point of telling him?

Do you hope he will take the moment to tell you of his everlasting love for you, and convince you that the two of you are meant to have a family together?

Do you hope he will feel that ending the pregnancy is the right thing to do, and that he will support you emotionally through this?

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Have you discussed the possibility of pregnancy in the past?

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If you have decided that you will be terminating the pregnancy regardless of anything he might say - don't tell him - it will simply make things more difficult for both of you.

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Get yourself to a counsellor as soon as possible to talk about your feelings about this - NOW. Whether it's a mental health practitioner, or a doctor, or a trained volunteer through Planned Parenthood - talk to someone in person - within the week.

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Good luck to you. This is not an easy decision to consider at any time.

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microbiologistgal wrote:

See this is my dilemma!!! I am worried it will hurt him more if he knows. But I don't want to deny him the common courtesy of knowing . . .especially if he were to find out later and be mad that I didn't tell. Jeez.

One last remark. I don't think your dilemma is that you are worried about hurting him. If that were the case you would consider him in this decision. I think you are worried about him getting mad at you and that affecting you.

I think you should be consistent and stop reading these remarks. You are only going to consider yourself in this decision so stop asking questions - these responses won't change your mind, don't tell him - he wont change your mind, and if he finds out merely reply the truth 'I simply did not consider you in that decision'. This would, ofcourse, mean that you would have to bear the consequences of that remark - but atleast you would be consistent and honest.

TTF

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TTF, eB, & others, glad you're seeing things my way--i said the same things in my posts. i thought i was overlooking something obvious. but i see TTF's point, also. by not telling the guy, she's assuming he can't handle the knowledge of her decision.

& to the young woman with the dilemma, it *is* a dilemma. you can't have your cake and eat it too, sometimes. either you tell, or don't tell & hope no one finds out. if it's any consolation, you said he was egocentric; i presume that's one reason you're not expecting the relationship to last--a good reason too, in my mind--so he may well resent finding out later, yet shrug it off if you tell him in advance. you also mentioned benefits, so i presume you're on his medical benefits; if the benefits cover abortion, and you use them, it *might* be tricky hiding things from him. you'll probably need a plausible explanation for why you had a visit that required xxx dollars, or make sure you throw away the notice from the insurer before he sees it.

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I keep being surprised at what is being ascribed to microbiologistgal. She's been pretty up-front since the beginning. She doesn't know what to do. She's asking for advice. That is all consistent with someone who can see both sides of an issue, and is not sure which way to go.

I agree that Brooke, guidedog and ehBeth make a point, and can see how that would renew the struggle for microbiologistgal. If she is worried about hurting him, she has valid worries either way.

Personally, I find asking for advice, especially lots of it, very useful. It doesn't usually change my mind -- but it is often very good at helping to uncover what I think I should do.

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szb, she's been undecided about what to tell the man in her relationship; there's been no indication she's undecided about having an abortion, and she seemed to take umbrage at people who proposed alternatives to abortion, something i never did by the way.

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That's what I was saying too.

The abortion issue has been decided and she hasn't asked for any opinions on it.

She is unsure of what to do about telling the guy, and can see how either option (telling, not telling) would hurt him. Reasonable of her.

I hadn't seen your post btw just above mine btw yitwail, and I wasn't responding to you. Was responding to TTF saying things like, " I don't think your dilemma is that you are worried about hurting him... I think you are worried about him getting mad at you and that affecting you." It is certainly reasonable to think it would hurt him more to tell him and then, even if he is against it, having the abortion, than if he never knew at all.

btw, "friends with benefits" means a couple of people who are basically just friends, but hook up now and then. Not a dating sort of relationship.