When should you keep your mouth shut?

Ok, I'll stop getting off topic as well, but I will add that I also think he should be told.

I know many people who have had abortions who certainly are sad about it, but on the balance are confident that they made the right choice.

Of the people I know who have done one or the other, I think the ones who chose adoption are more haunted -- they think about the kid more, wonder what he or she is up to, wonder how he or she is doing, wonder if he or she will come looking for her (the bio-mom) when they turn 18, etc.

Hard either way.

Oh, how very thoughtful of you guys. I'll bring the wine and dessert ;-)

One thing I'm curious about -- have done some preliminary Googling and can't tell -- is whether the guy has any legal right to be told. I don't think so, but I'm not sure.

Montana:

Great!

Soz and others:

I know that it is hard either way - and as a man would never need to make that choice.

However, I try to live my life through a regret minimization process. Adoption is the best option in this case if it must be the case that I give the child up.

I think the termination of an other would bring about too many regrets.

THis is ofcourse assuming the egocentric argument is valid.

TTF

People--

The question on the table is whether or not the lover/father should be told.

Soz
Yep! It's very tough either way. In my long line of friends, the ones who had more regrets were the ones who've had the abortions. I think the worst thing they feel terrible guilt.

I guess my people don't hang out with your people ;-)

We know Noddy - We know...

Deep issue for most - I think you can grant some levity.

TF

Her legal right to privacy overrides any argument made about his right to "know" he's concieved a child with her.

I think I might think the same way -- but I've never had to, and reserve judgement.

Regret-minimization in that case would mean raising the child. Because giving a child up for adoption certainly has its own regrets.

We're getting off-track again tho.

No, he doesn't. Not unless she keeps the child.

Thanks, Omar, that makes sense.

TF--

Do you mean leeway?

I agree and I am by no means passing judgement. I am truly thinking of her as well as the child.

I better stop now before Noddy breaks out the baseball bat

There are two issues here.

if you are concerned about ethics or humanity or anything else ... you must tell the father

Think about if you were in his shoes. I would be furious if I found out that my child were aborted without talking to me. This is treating another human being that you have had a relationship with complete disregard for his feelings or rights.

Dealing with the fathers feelings about abortion is a difficult issue.

There is a chance that the father may support you. In this case talking with him is clearly the best thing. You will feel better and this will resolve the problem.

There is, of course, a chance that the father will not oppose your decision. I don't know how to resolve the moral issues here-- but in our present society it is your decision.

You need to work out how you will resolve this. If you made up your mind to have the abortion do it without regret. It is only decent to listen to what the father has to say, even if you still have the abortion.

Either way, ethically you must talk to the father. Abortion is not the moral issue here...

Nope I mean levity:

Third definition of levity in the Websters I read is:

"Lack of steadiness or constancy; disposition to change;
fickleness; volatility.

The levity that is fatigued and disgusted with
everything of which it is in possession. --Burke.

Syn: Inconstancy; thoughtlessness; unsteadiness;
inconsideration; volatility; flightiness."

I think leeway would certainly have worked there though.

TF

Wow! This kind of exploded. I guess things like this hit close to home.

Honestly I know adoption is great for some, but if I were to go through all the mental and physical aspects of pregnancy, it would be easier on me to keep the baby. Besides, if I were to go through with the pregnancy for adoption, I may have legal issues with the dad. Even if I didn't tell him it was his, walking around pregnant would make him wonder.

I really appreciate what ebrown_p had to say. I am, of course, just thinking whether or not it would be easier to go through it and not tell him. But it makes sense that the decent thing to do is just hear him out and discuss it with him. I still haven't decided. I'll see him on Wednesday for dinner so I'll make sure to give you all an update.

Things tend to explode on this site. People here take things very seriously and consider every question deeply. Which is why I bring a lot here to try out and ask. People are generally rational, kind, and serious about thier thoughts.

Let us know on Thursday.

TTF

Micro
Good luck to you and I truly wish you the very best.

Yeah, ebrown said it really well.

Good luck, microbiologistgal.