High Drive vs Low Drive and much more, more like me?

Getting answers from noncertified, anonymous amateurs with no social work or counseling backgrounds... isn't the answer. You need to buck up (literally and figuratively) and take you and your wife to marriage counseling (especially with one that specializes in sexual issues).

Thank you for the advice, but you could say that for just about any post on this forum -- no one can provide valuable information, go to a professional.

For instance, a post below asks: Why is he asking like this? Another is should he avoid talking about her? Need opinion about ex's. How do I get this married man out of my bed?

Rightly or wrongly, all are looking for advice from non-certified, anonymous, folks with no social work or backgrounds. That is the purpose of the board.

I have no desire to argue with you. Others must be facing the same thing I am, and even without a Ph. D, they might provide some valuable insight for me. I am willing to give them a chance.

Here are my thoughts based on little more than my marriage and on common sense. I'm not sure either will help. lol

1. Based on common sense, it is not uncommon that one partner in a relationship has a different sex drive than the other. Has she always wanted/needed sex less frequently than you? If so, then it may simply be that she has a low sex drive. Or if this is a change that seems sudden, there could be a medical issue involved. Do you two have kids? Is she home with them and dealing with them all day? Does she work, come home, cook your dinner? Could be she just feels too tired to have sex more frequently. In any case, you two would need to talk about it. If she lacks the energy, then maybe you chip in by cooking some of the evening meals while she relaxes. Who knows. But talk to her. (I know you say you two have talked about it so much, but how exactly have you talked about it? Have you offered any solutions or simply said that you are not happy and need to have her step up to the plate more often? I'm not saying that is the case since I really have no way of knowing the gist of your conversations. Just asking.)

2. As far as different positions, it could be she is simply uncomfortable trying new positions. My wife was always a bit uncomfortable trying something different. Even now she is not one to be desirous of anything different. (We have been married for 36 years.) And while I would like to have a bit more variety, I can live without it. Why? Because I love her and I know it is not about me, but rather about her and what she likes best. And because I don't push her to try something new, every now and then she surprises me with something a bit different. So I choose to take the attitude that good things come to those who wait. lol

3. I don't mean to be crass, but I think you may be confusing "need" with "want." In any case, I doubt you will find many women at all who are willing to have sex twice every day. Especially at the age you two apparently are based on the years you've been married. Maybe you need to temper your expectations just a bit.

I'll end this with suggestion. She may be able to help take care of your "needs" without having full intercourse. That might not get you off twice per day, but maybe she would be up to a hand job weekly to help close the distance between what you need/want and what she is up for.

Hope this helps or gives you just a bit to think about. I wish you luck.

Thank you for your comment/ advice.

Yes, she has always had a lower sex drive and that in itself is not a problem. Everyone has different levels of drive. The issue here is a match or lack of, and given it is the latter, how do we reconcile?

She works about 15 hours a week and the kids are teens with their own cars. We both have day to day demands, but about half of that at typical husband and wife, so neither of us think that is the issue.

I praise you on your approach to your relationship. You are very thoughtful and understanding. I think we can all learn from that.

I would say the orgasms of twice a day are a need. If I went a day or two without, I would be dreaming about sex, and wake up erection and that is a problem dealing with that all day. Going without, her suggestion too, has proven not to be a solution. My choices are just to paw at her all the time and pressure her (done that) and that is not fair to her, watch porn or cheat. I would never cheat and watching porn makes me feel guilty. Hence the dilemma.

Given how much porn is on the internet and most of it is looked at by men, I would say many are in a similar situation and turning to porn.

The other point is variety or lack of. Honestly, I don't think she could get me off with a handjob. I feel bad about it, but it is a combination of been there and done that a million times and I'm older.

I do have the gist of what you are saying, work with her and try to dial my drive back a bit. Good advice and I thank you for that.

Have you talked to her about you having a sexual partner outside of the marriage?

I'm not sure that should necessarily be ruled out.

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Buncha stuff going on in your posts.

1. can you orgasm when you masturbate? not sure I know many men who don't wake up erect. There's a reason people refer to morning wood. You need to take care of that first thing ... and not 'deal with it' all day.

2. have you talked to her seriously about this possibly being a deal-breaker? is one or both of you prepared to end the marriage over this? if not, why not?

3. what alternatives to straight on intercourse is she willing to try?

I'd probably go the old red pajamas/blue pajamas route. The question isn't whether someone's going to wear pajamas but which ones they're going to wear.

If she doesn't want to have sex as often as you do, then she can choose to have more variety when she does have sex with you. She can choose what toys/oils/stimulants are used.

If you don't want to go outside the marriage to have sex, what are you going to do? porn and masturbation aren't a big deal, never have been. there is certainly more porn selection around, but it's been around for millenia. Porn is truly nothing to feel guilty about - unless the secrecy turns you on a bit.

What turns her on? work on that side of things more. Watch porn with her, women are extremely visual. Buy her books that might stimulate her - there's some hardcore stuff out there disguised as romance novels. Get all the fun lotions and potions and toys.

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You have so many options. Talk with your wife (perhaps with the help of a counsellor or doctor at first) about what you are both going to do differently.

If either of you balks at talking about this - counselling is likely needed for reasons beyond just the sexual drive differences.

the reality is that teen romance problems that show up here are generally not going to need the kind of professional support that your posts suggest will be needed

Perhaps the way you are discussing this issue with your wife sounds like nagging and complaining. I'm sure that's not how you see it, but one of the biggest turnoffs for me is someone saying how disappointed they are. Maybe you should concentrate on what your wife finds pleasurable, because when one is happy they are more inclined to add new things. However, occasionally the new things that strike one person as erotic might strike the other as silly, and yes it is possible to find certain new things as so silly it's a big turn off, a really really big turn off.

I get it, you don't want to see a professional, but a professional can gauge your body language, listen to your concerns and actually offer you advice that might help. There are many ways you could both improve your sex life, but you both have to agree to something and not just complain about what's not happening.

I have to admit I am not a morning person, never have been a morning person so daily early morning trysts before I get ready for work would seem more like a job and not a carefree romp.

Beth,
I can have an orgasm when I masturbate, but it takes longer now that I am older. Usually more varied porn does the trick if it is difficult.

We love each other and fit in so many other ways. I do not see this breaking up the marriage. Also this is not the most important issue to her or I.

We have tired a variety of toys, all on my suggestion. The only one she is into is the vibriator. She loves it and she prefers it to intercourse. That's OK with me, given by back is bad.

You touched on the three alternatives out there for us:

a) me dialing it back and her stepping it up when it comes to frequency. This is her suggestion. She feels she needs to get her juices flowing and get back in the rhythm. We are trying that.

b) watching porn. She is totally against watching it and hates that I do. It is a moral issue with her, and the idea I think about another woman let along masturbate to one is way out of bounds. I was told to be open about all this, and one time after watching a movie with the star Ann Margaret, I told my wife I masturbated to Ann Margaret the next day. My wife didn't talk to me for days. The chances of me meeting Ann Margaret is one in a million. If I did, the chances she would have sex with me or I would be into her given she is about 80 now, would be one in 10 million.

I could and sometimes watch porn, but it is a secret for the most part. And I feel guilty about that. I would love to share porn with her in the bedroom many couples do, but that is not an option. I just read a story where 3 of the 10 websites are porn. I suspect this is what most men are doing in the same situation because there is a ton of porn being watched and the subjects are varied from gangbangs to BDSM to water sports.

c) Find an outside partner. I love my wife. Couldn't do it. I pitched it to her and she had no interest either on her end. Looking at all the causal ads that were on Craigslist, many seem to be doing this as well in all combinations.

She said I could watch gay porn or have a jerk boyfriend on the side as a joke (no jealousy there). To get a sense of what she wanted down inside, a few times I suggested she send me a porn movie I could use to fill the gaps and it was a MFM as well as bisexual MMF. So I started watching MFM, bisexual MMF. I am willing to bend for her. When having sex I talked about MMF and even some MMF and she loved it, but the focus of my talk was on her again. That helped a bit, but she said it was too often. Maybe she got nervous, felt insecure. Don't know. I do think MFM/ MMF is her deepest fantasy with her the focus reading the tea leaves.

You do have very good insight. Thank you.

Never heard of red/ blue pajamas. What is that?

Glitter,

Yes it has sounded like nagging, complaining, plus a sincere interest, desire to solve the problem and just about everything else. We have talked about it a lot during a variety of moods and phases of the problem. I am guilty of that and try to take a deep breath now before I open my mouth. So is she. The key is to realize it is going on, and keep it from escalating.

She finds pleasure in the focus being on her 100%. Her X cheated on her. And the first 10 years, that is the way it was, but over time I needed some variety. Yes, and when she is happy she is open to new things and has tried a lot of things over the year. What she finds as a turn off are the things I'm open to that are off the beaten path. Even talking dirty about them are off limits now.

I'm open to seeing a professional, but that is not my first choice. Like everyone else, I googled the subject, we read a couple of articles together and I saw this board, so I'm trying it. I doubt any of your have Ph. D's in marriage counseling, but most have had some insightful observations that have helped.

Our schedules are off, yes. I wake up at 4 am, and masturbate and sleep like a baby till 9 am. Usually I am at it again by mid-afternoon. At night, the times she is in the mood, it is about 9 pm and I'm done (and if we do, yes it is like a chore because I'm spent and don't have a night drive). If I know this was a night she was in the mood, I hold off, but still I'm not a night lover, but the problem wit that is I never know when it will be that 1 in 21 evenings she is going to be in the mood. We could probably communicate better there.

Thank you for the suggestions. We are work in progress.

I'm not sure what advise could be given that you'd actually take to heart.

What I see from your posts is someone who feels his wife owes him the pleasure of being his cum dumpster, and thank her lucky stars that you allow it to be her.

And you wonder why she just has no interest.

Actually those who could relate or took the time to understand the situation have given me good advice. See above. All theur comments I have read and much of what they wrote I have taken in. I thank them for their insight.

For the life of me, if you feel you have no advice to give, why bother taking the time to put a person down? More to the point, why particpate on a board like this? That I will never understand.

You don't want advice. You want suggestions on how to cajole your wife into more sex. Not just more sex, but your KIND of sex.

You want tricks to make her feel she's not cutting it as a wife, make her feel guilty for not pleasuring you, make her feel less of a person because she works part time, use threats of adultery, and if that doesn't work, divorce.

You want insight?

Well, there it is.

I apologize for Neptune. She is being nasty for no good reason.

I am divorced, bad sex was a part of that decision. And my sex life has been much better since (after a difficult period of adjustment) for what that is worth. You have the right to be happy... and in a monogamous marriage where you aren't supposed to have sex with other people, you partner should be concerned with that.

It is completely unreasonable for your wife to be upset with you using pornography. It clearly isn't impacting your sex life with her (which would be a reasonable complaint). If you aren't getting what you need from her, you have to be allowed to look elsewhere. Pornography (if it works) is a fine solution that doesn't involve another woman.

The idea that someone stuck in an unfulfilling marriage should suffer valiantly is ridiculous.

If the truth hurts, look at it from a new angle.

Some members do not suffer women who have views about sex. He apparently thinks that women who find porn awkward and laughable are prudes and not the proper recipients of rowdy randy abandon. I can't speak for Neptune, but she was a lot more honest than I was regarding the OP's 'needs'. As a woman who actually does enjoy male/female intimacy I can swear there is nothing better.....but an awkward whimpering partner trying to impress me with how often he needs his wick dipped on a daily basis is someone I'm willing to pass along to someone else who can be his willy handmaiden.

Other than an 11 or 12 year old who will rub himself raw trying to deal with the flood of testosterone, who on God's green earth cannot exist without coitus twice a day. How the hell do make a living, keep house, raise children if all you do is plan to freep your brains out twice a day.

I tried to be delicate with my advice, but I feared it would likely quickly pass thru one ear and out the other. And sure enough it did. A man or woman who thinks they are neglected if they can't bump uglies twice a day needs some professional help. Humans absolutely need food and water daily, if they have children they also need food and water and education. So if the # of orgasm is as vital as the OP says it is, he needs assistance, a blood test, a complete workup to make sure nothing is out of wack. Sex should be glorious, not a chore or something you do to avoid your partner sulking.

We can all posit that the OP's wife ids not much of a sport, but we really don't know and we can't decide how much porn she should or shouldn't enjoy based on our personal proclivities.

I think the best bet for the OP is to see a counselor/therapist without his wife and see what advice he gets. If he doesn't think the advice is good, then ignore it, I also hope his wife seeks outside help so she can decide how she wants to proceed. Who knows, maybe she can quit her job, hire a housekeeper and cook and drive to his place of employment so he ca be serviced at lunchtime or on breaks....whenever the need overtakes him....maybe she will be a sport.

Yes, nasty is a good description. Some read a post, it strikes a bad cord in some way in their current or past situation in their life, they get mad and lash out. I suspect that is the situation here.

For instance in no way did I write I expect my wife to be a cum dumpster nor did I write my wife should be lucky I am with her. That is what she heard and she put those words in my mouth.

If my wife would not get upset with me watching porn when she was not interested or in the mood, the problem would be solved. Or if I would not feel guilty about it doing it in secret, I would not even have posted.

Like I wrote 2/3 if the men out there look at porn, so I suspect many are using that in some way.

Maxdancona, thank you for your understanding.

I think the solution (as some have suggested here) is to just watch porn like the millions of other men and women out there with a higher sex drive than their spouses do. When the top 3 of 10 websites are porn many must be doing the same. When she is interested I will be there. When she is not I can do my thing.

I love my wife and we work on all the important levels of a relationship. I would not divorce her but I understand why some might if sexual incompatibility was on their long list of relationship issues.

Thank you all for your input.

We have a different point of view on things. It is no more than that. I am happy you have a lower sex drive or an ability to suppress it so it all works out for you and your patner. Not sure in your case, either way you are superior in that way and again I am happy for you.