High Drive vs Low Drive and much more, more like me?

There is nothing in my post about gender. The principles are very simple-- caring and mutual respect. Each partner has the right to be happy. Each partner has the responsibility for their own sexuality. Neither partner has control over the other.

Glitterbag's view of a husband as "an awkward whimpering partner trying to impress her" is not healthy. Gender politics should be kept out of a caring relationship.

In a good relationship the needs of both people are met, respected and important.

At no point have you considered your behavior is strictly your problem to deal with. It's put squarely on your wife's shoulders to "fix" your sexual malfunction whatever and whenever strikes your fancy. You keep referring to your guilt about using porn but not about guilt for exceeding your wife's comfort zone, making it her problem, not yours.

There's been a suggestion that a marriage counselor can help. You poo-poo'd that suggestion, saying you've read articles about it and it just doesn't fit your situation. That, I do tend to agree with. Counseling will not work when one party refuses to take responsibility for their actions.

You keep saying you'd never cheat. That I'm calling bullshit. You threaten the nuclear option, going as far as carousing Craigslist ads to no avail. Rightly so, because anybody who lives in the US knows that is the bottom of the barrel. But it serves your purpose, to make your wife feel she isn't doing her wifely duties enough to soothe the dysfunction you have.

You said if your wife would just allow you to watch porn, everything in your marriage will work out just fine. Again, I call bullshit. The reason that isn't going to work for you is because you honestly feel it's your wife's duty to service you. Any time. Every time.

A healthy sex life is essential to a marriage. Your extremism is causing issues. You are driving your wife away then blaming her for it. Once thoughts of sex is the only thing you think about, you should admit it's a problem. Your problem, not hers.

Seek counseling for your sex addiction. Do it for yourself. Learn to recognize what your doing isn't healthy in any way. And quit blaming your wife for your problem.

Why is it any of his wife's business if he watches porn or not? Just because you are married doesn't mean your partner has any control over your sexuality.

That really is the crux of the problem.

Boy, you really know how to start with and then keep the judgements and insults coming. Don't get upset now that some are coming back to you.

Have you read what I wrote? Here is just a sample:

“Yes, she has always had a lower sex drive and that in itself is not a problem. Everyone has different levels of drive. The issue here is a match or lack of, and given it is the latter, how do we reconcile?”

“I do have the gist of what you are saying, work with her and try to dial my drive back a bit. Good advice and I thank you for that.”

“We love each other and fit in so many other ways. I do not see this breaking up the marriage. Also this is not the most important issue to her or I.”

Most would agree with me, this is not someone blaming their wife.

Concerning therapy, I wrote this:

“I'm open to seeing a professional, but that is not my first choice. Like everyone else, I googled the subject, we read a couple of articles together and I saw this board, so I'm trying it. I doubt any of your have Ph. D's in marriage counseling, but most have had some insightful observations that have helped.”

Beth, I’ve been in group therapy (twice) and if this was a group therapy session you would have been kicked out for two reasons; First, for your right off the bate negative judgements with me and then with Max. Second, for using four letter words and directing them toward me.

You've seem to have issues to work out (baggage you are bringing and dumping on this conversation), and I wish you well in working them out elsewhere.

Now get all the negatives out you must about me or say what every you have to say to prove you are right and I'm wrong. That is OK. Then we can move back to the topic.

Max makes a good points I agree with. She realizes sex needs to be a two way street. My wife is satisfied. We are intimate and she has a vibrator and having her orgasms once every few weeks. That does it for her.

I'm not, and we should work toward that in some way. They say communicate and I am. Thankfully, she isn't looking to drill me with judgements. I think watching porn is an alternative for me, much like a vibrator is for her.

I do not see watching porn as cheating any more than her using a vibrator. It is a supplement.

Neptune, would you be this nasty if the genders were reversed... if this were a woman who was using pornography because her husband wasn't meeting her needs? I suspect you would be much less hateful.

Gender politics should be kept out of the bedroom (except as part of consensual sex play that is fun for both parties, "oooh baby your patriarchy is so big... come on smash it harder..").

hi - could you point these out to me?

thanks

I have no issue using porn as a marital aid. What you're missing, and the OP as well, is the over stimulation of ejaculation as it perpains to a healthy lifestyle and marriage.

Having sexual urges as much as OP that causes getting up at 4 am, another urge mid after noon and then being too tired in the evening is an issue OP needs to address.

I'm not pointing out anything different then other posters.

Beth, I am sorry. I was responding to Neptune Blue. That paragraph was to start with Blue. I either wrote Beth by accident or it auto corrected to Beth.

You were great. Thank you for your advice.

Neptune Blue I do not have urges that wake me up at 4 am. Like most middle aged men and women I wake up that time. I often masturbate then because it relaxes me and puts me to sleep.

You are Ok with porn as a marital aid for me when she is not in the mood. Hooray! You and I have found some common ground.

my hubby does have high sex drive and does me many different ways. he never talks sex just does me whenever he wants. he is certainly very manly and enjoys himself often

could you both adjust your timelines a bit ? (you may have both already tried this, but it's worth asking )

Beth, that is somewhat of her suggestion. She wants to try and get together for 7 days in a row to help get her back in the swing of things (at night which is best time for her).

Bunny, that could be a solution, but are you always up for it? If so (not wanting to speak for women), but my guess is that would put you in a small minority of women. Let me ask you, do you ever get bored of the same old same old? Don't you fall into a rut?

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May I ask your ages?

There’s a big compatibility gap with someone “needing” an orgasm twice a day living with a person satisfied with once every three weeks.

I’d like to suggest that both behaviors are extreme.

She can rachet her participation up a bit, but you need to accept that you don’t need to act on every sexual thought you have.

Many men like morning sex. Personally, I think it’s a piss hard-on and not a real erection due to wanting to make love.

I wonder at your wife’s objection to your looking at porn. That seems to be your turnon. Too much for her? There are some soft porn and even romantic movies out there that are mood elevators. Does she reject these, too?

All in all, she sounds like she ignores your antics and the pestering and is taking things on her own terms. She wants quality instead of quantity in the bedroom.

She is 38 and I'm 44. I would say neither of us are the average, true, but I've talked with men who are like me and some who are not. I've talked with women who want it everyday and some who could care less. It is really about fit and trying to find common ground.

The past month I have spent time looking at articles and even reading forums like this, high drive low drive is one of the common problems. Others include lack of variety or no longer attractive to their partner or low energy.

Obviously a lot of men take the problem into their own hands with 25% admitting they have cheated on their spouses, and 66% saying they regularly look at porn. I love my wife and would never cheat, saw she was upset about the porn so we are trying to talk/ work through it.

She is opposed to watching porn herself in all forms, and opposes me watching it privately.

I would prefer to be with my wife, but she isn't into it more than once every couple of weeks at best. So the choice is just paw at her all the time, walk around with a hard on more than I want, cheat, dial back my drive or masturbate. I'm opposed to the formers and I'm focusing on the latter two.

Believe me, there is no pestering after nearly 20 years of marriage. I learned early on her drive was much less than mine. Like I said I pawed at her a while and then realized that was not fair. For the last decade or so we have been getting together on her schedule and I have been masturbating in-between. She saw me watching porn and it became an issue.

Everyone has advice and I appreciate it, but I am most interested in hearing from those who face the high drive low drive problem and what do they do.