My husband loves me a lot but he's abusive

ossobuco wrote:

As this is your husband's session, maybe you need be quiet.

Oh, I forgot to mention that the therapist wants to speak to me - alone. He wants to have a session with me (this may have been my husband's idea, i dont know. I'll know when I get there).

OCOMMBILL wrote:

Caution, caution, caution. I couldn't know what he's capable of and I'm not sure you really could either. Is it possible to arrange your own transportation with a friend? And have him/her meet you after as well?

yes, i want to err on the side of caution. Bombay is pretty far from here - so we'll fly. I could go by myself...i havent decided on that. If he *insists* that we go together, I will not go with him...in fact i may reconsider going...(because that is his typical behavior). If he leaves it open, maybe i'll go with him - or I could go by myself.

OCOMMBILL wrote:

I would so prefer to read that you met someone else that you think is special...

That's precisely why I'm going here....to decide (in some time) about the future of this relationship. I do not know how long i can be in a limbo....hopefully, something will come out of this...that will help me decide.

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sakhi wrote:

ossobuco wrote:

As this is your husband's session, maybe you need be quiet.

Oh, I forgot to mention that the therapist wants to speak to me - alone. He wants to have a session with me (this may have been my husband's idea, i dont know. I'll know when I get there).

I'm not sure... I want you adequately represent and not just quoted as you speak sincerely in some future court thing. It might be fine for you to talk to that therapist alone, but do you have your own to protect you in some way?

This is all out of my own territory of knowledge... just worrying that you don't get sideswiped, as they say in some places.

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court?? the thought never occurred to me....

thanks, osso for the warning. I don't have a therapist nor a lawyer of my own - but I'll talk to my Dad's lawyer (a trusted person) before I go.

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Good, I wish you'd do that., and that the lawyer really represent you.

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Dlowan and others here can speak to how a therapist should by license behave, re disclosing anything about you - you in particular have nothing to worry about, as seems obvious.

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What? You have to fly to get there? With him? Forgive me; but are you nuts? I didn't realize the implications of Bombay. You don't even go out around town together and now you're going to jump on a plane with him? Is there some good reason the therapist can't talk to you, alone, on the phone? Or have a "Net meeting" with sight and sound? This suddenly smells very bad to me. There is no logical reason that you have to fly to another city to talk to a therapist. Not in 2006. Instinct tells me it's more likely your husband's way of getting your undivided attention... away from all of your safe-zones. You can't just walk away, or refuse to continue a conversation, or have a friend nearby, or any of the precautions you've been taking. This is crazy. At the very least; call the therapist and find out in no uncertain terms whose idea this is and why it's necessary to come in person. I'd wager there is no reason, that isn't of your husband's design. Very clever Scarily so. I don't like it.

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OK, two of us with feathers flying...
occam bill's more loudly -

I don't have legal advice for you, but I'd look for it among attorneys who would see your point of view.

If you come up empty on that, maybe we can come up with some search sites, but we might not understand the context of each site. Are you internet savvy (actually, I know you are, sakhi) or have smart friends?

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I may not post a blank message.

they seem rather vehement about this.

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I spoke to the therapist over the phone - he asked if we could meet. I said i'd try and make it to the next session.
Yes, I'm internet savvy alright but looks like i'm pretty naive Smile

....(im quite astonished at the possible implications...these are things that never occurred to me!)....

I did find out about this cousellor. I googled his name and found it - seemed ok. I asked my friend (who works for a TV channel in Bombay) - asked her the directions to his office and other logistics.

Yes, a net meeting is certainly an option - convenient for me alright...

As for travelling with him...i could easily avoid that. In fact I could easily avoid the entire thing. But I was hoping that this entire exercise would help me "decide" one way or the other.

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ossobuco wrote:

I don't have legal advice for you, but I'd look for it among attorneys who would see your point of view.

My lawyer told me that since we have not registered our marriage in a court of law as yet, our marriage is now governed by the Hindu Marriage act. He said this is fine since the clauses under the Hindu Marriage act are beneficial for women seeking divorce and the courts are often sympathetic to the woman.

He said any divorce (even ones by mutual consent) involves lot of paperworkand takes some time but it will get done.

Of course, i wouldn't dream of demanding any kind of alimony. In fact it's hard for me to even think of appearing in a court against him. Sad

Why did i ever get married in the first place?

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OCCOM BILL wrote:

What? You have to fly to get there? With him? Forgive me; but are you nuts? ....I'd wager there is no reason, that isn't of your husband's design. Very clever Scarily so. I don't like it.

I could plan to fly to B'bay by myself, even go to the therapist's place. by myself and return. And meet my husband only at the therapist's place. I'm in no way trying to defend him....but i dont think he is capable of *premeditated* meanness....well, i may be wrong.

(((((hugs))))) to both of you...

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sakhi wrote:

I spoke to the therapist over the phone - he asked if we could meet. I said i'd try and make it to the next session.
Yes, I'm internet savvy alright but looks like i'm pretty naive ....(im quite astonished at the possible implications...these are things that never occurred to me!)....

I did find out about this cousellor. I googled his name and found it - seemed ok. I asked my friend (who works for a TV channel in Bombay) - asked her the directions to his office and other logistics.

Good to hear that the guy exists, at least. My concern was getting pretty intense... well, still is.

sakhi wrote:

Yes, a net meeting is certainly an option - convenient for me alright...

Very convenient... and that's a fine excuse for changing your mind, too. His reaction to that decision would probably tell you a bit of want you want to know as well.

sakhi wrote:

As for travelling with him...i could easily avoid that. In fact I could easily avoid the entire thing. But I was hoping that this entire exercise would help me "decide" one way or the other.

I can certainly understand your desire for some closure... but surely there's a safer environment to do that... which is surely what this is about. You can't know that he won't be meeting you there, whether you like it or not, even if you choose to go alone (which would be best if it's the therapist that you really want to talk to (which I doubt)). How about a phone or Net Meeting with the therapist... and a dinner/closure date while a group of your friends have dinner on the other side of the restaurant (on you)? Cheaper, and infinitely safer than Bombay, eh?

Or better yet; skip Bombay... and meet Osso, Brooklyn, myself and some other wonderful people in Chicago instead!

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That is true, I'm glad to meet you..

as Osso. or Jo, my real name.

but in the meantime, I want you to be both well represented and safe, and I understand that that all isn't easy. Please communicate to us any concerns you have.

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I have good reasons for my concerns in these situations, darlin. The unpredictability of a violent man is a very dangerous thing to underestimate. Do me a favor and read the last two paragraphs of THIS POST.

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That's scaaaryyy! Poor girl....yes, it's no wonder you are concerned Sad

...your mom's absolutely right....funny, but my husband's mom is just that kind of a lady. Loving, no-nonsense with ooodles of good sense. So's his dad...welllll...

From not really knowing what "abusive person" meant....i've come a long way because of this forum. I've done a bit of reading over the net too.
I must tell you one thing....again i'm not trying to defend him in any way. In all the violence that used to ensue at home during the fights - my husband has never injured me. I've used the term "hit" rather loosely i think. He'll try and pin me to the wall - to the bed and I try to push him off (no use, though). Or he'd try and grasp my hand/arm/me to stop me from going/leaving the room. He never hit me back even when I hit/hurt him (only to freee myself, of course). So, I never ever had a bruise despite all the violence (I have looked ghost-like, however). I have hurt him and caused bruises on him - but only because i used to be desperate to just get away, at least till the madness passed. But, he has hurt himself - which was even scarier. And he's broken many things - and he always breaks things that are very important to him (always something that He has bought for himself/me). Like his iPod, his new mobile phone, his laptop....etc. Yes, even his office laptop. That used to scare me like crazy. His verbal abuse is unbearable tooo. That's the pattern. Not trying to say that his behavior is better than any other abuser's...just trying to be as precise as I can.

Going to e-mail the therapist asking for a net meeting/ meeting by phone. I'll tell both of them I'm working on the weekend.

As for Chicago Smile

...wish I could be there. I've been readin all about it...

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sakhi wrote:

That's scaaaryyy! Poor girl....yes, it's no wonder you are concerned ...your mom's absolutely right....funny, but my husband's mom is just that kind of a lady. Loving, no-nonsense with ooodles of good sense. So's his dad...welllll...

From not really knowing what "abusive person" meant....i've come a long way because of this forum. I've done a bit of reading over the net too.
I must tell you one thing....again i'm not trying to defend him in any way. In all the violence that used to ensue at home during the fights - my husband has never injured me. I've used the term "hit" rather loosely i think. He'll try and pin me to the wall - to the bed and I try to push him off (no use, though). Or he'd try and grasp my hand/arm/me to stop me from going/leaving the room. He never hit me back even when I hit/hurt him (only to freee myself, of course). So, I never ever had a bruise despite all the violence (I have looked ghost-like, however). But, he has hurt himself - which was even scarier. And he's broken many things - and he always breaks things that are very important to him. Like his iPod, his new mobile phone, his laptop....etc. His verbal abuse is unbearable. That's the pattern. Not trying to say that his behavior is better than any other abuser's...just trying to be as precise as I can.

You describe a classic abuser, from what I've read from Brooklyn and many, many others. I think you were lucky to get out before it escalated.

sakhi wrote:

Going to e-mail the therapist asking for a net meeting/ meeting by phone. I'll tell both of them I'm working on the weekend.

That's awesome. It's 2:30 a.m. here and I need to get some sleep. Please advise us what happens next. I'd rather not spend the weekend worrying about you unnecessarily. I'm so proud of you, Sakhi.

sakhi wrote:

As for Chicago ...wish I could be there. I've been readin all about it...

I wish you could too. We're going to have a lot of fun. Take care of you, darlin. Hugs-> ((((Sakhi))))

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Hoping all is well, darlin...

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Hey there sakhi! ............ Tis good to hear from you again.

I think the reservations that both Jo and Bill have are definitely with merit. Going to Bombay, where your husband will most likely be waiting to see you and talk to you, is ummmm ....... well, not a good thing. (Which is putting it mildly)

As Bill suggested, use the net to meet with the therapist. Do you have a web cam? If not, they are extremely easy to set up on your computer. I use one all the time to talk with online friends and my sister out in Oregon. The reason I ask is that a lot of therapists have this capability in their office. It's the next best thing to being right there ....... and in your case it IS the best thing!

The reason I suggest using the webcam is that you will know for sure that you are talking to the therapist. (I assume his website has his picture on it.) Tis especially important since you don't really know this person. Sadly, you have to look at all angles and not trust this situation.

For example ....... there is software available that people use to disquise their voice. A man can sound like a woman and visa versa. Or you could actually be speaking to your husband and not even know it ......as he, too, could totally disguise his own voice. May sound far out ......but it happens all the time. And you definitely don't want to listen to any advice HE has to give you! :wink: A web cam takes care of a lot of those issues.

You really have no reason to trust your husband, yet. Perhaps you never will.

As a victim, you must not slack in the savvy way you have to now live your life. Let me tell ya my friend ....... unfortunately your life has been changed forever. There will ( or should) always be a part of you that is watching your back for as long as this man is alive. It truely never ends in that way. For many abusers contemplate hurting their victim, years after the severed relationship.

As Bill said ....... hoping all is well! ((((sakhi))))

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Thanks for stopping by, brooke....(((hugs)) - and here's what happened over the weeked, when i spoke to this therapist.

justa_babbling_brooke wrote:

As Bill suggested, use the net to meet with the therapist. Do you have a web cam?

The therapist didnt have a web cam. And he doesn't have a website of his own. However, his clinic's number was listed on the Net and also in Bombay's directory lookup (had my friend look it up) and I insisted on making the call....so i'd be sure i'm talking to his clinic...

The session was ok, i think, i'm not sure. He said my husband has some issues..but i'm in no way responsible for his actions/problems. He said, however, that he suspected that I am probably affected because of living with a person who has abused me. (I didn't mention to the doctor that my mother was verbally abusive too - anyway he didnt ask me about my childhood). He asked me some questions about my husband - all of which I answered truthfully but did not reveal much about myself (i hope)...

He didn't suggest any course of action (for me). He said he is speaking to me about my husband's problems with his consent. I asked him why he is abusive <i>only</i> with me. Again, he repeated that though that might be true - i have in no way contributed.
The problem does seem to have kind of accumulated over the years of our acquaintance , friendship and marriage, he said, though it is not clear why.

The therapist has recommended regular meditation sessions and my husband has been asked to visit the therapist every month...

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He sounds professional, to this layman, and is trying to do the job your husband is paying him to do (figure out what's wrong with your husband). I still have little faith in the possibility of converting your husband into a non-violent being; but must concede that the therapist sounds legitimate and is therefore a step in the right direction.

Mediation, while perhaps potentially beneficial to your husband (and perhaps you, should you choose to stay with him), also pretty much insures the therapist's continued employment. Your call, of course, but I wouldn't feel right if I didn't remind you that you deserve better. Two and a half to Three Billion men on this planet don't require therapy to not abuse women. I very much wish you would find one of those.

It is great to hear from you (thank you) and I am very interested in hearing what you think. So, what do you think?

(((((((Sakhi)))))))

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My husband loves me a lot but he's abusive

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