How do I find proof?

Reply Sat 30 Dec, 2017 10:13 am
I have been in this relationship for close to 2 years coming up, we have a child that is almost a year old, if that doesn't tell you a lot right there I don't know what might. Since day one we have been a whirlwind mess, And for some reason no matter how much my needs aren't met, i can't find it in myself to leave him. I spend much of my days contemplating why I'm with him. We aren't even friends, He's never around... Sure he comes home to sleep. He leaves about 5-10 times a day... He's an admitted lover of casual sex, and its not unlike him to brag or tell stories. His brutal honesty leaves me torn, why would someone be so honest about themselves if they had something to hide?

Every other time I have been cheated on in my life, there was always that gut feeling, even when there was absolutely NO signs.... I felt it. This time it couldn't be more opposite...Every sign is there, short of him having many female friends. He's a literal pathological liar. He lies so much even about small things that he forgets and tells on himself almost daily. He's the type of person who will tell someone he's 5 minutes away when in reality he's still in his flat getting ready. If he did decide to cheat on me it wouldn't take much. The only thing he does that gives me a terribly gut wrenching feeling is his overwhelming protection over his phone. I did manage to go through it once and found a plethora of random women numbers, flirty exchanges, and even him telling a girl "we could have a lot of fun together, but I'm not looking to hook up right now or anything" which left me so hurt and wounded... there have been so many opportunities for me to check his phone again and i just haven't had the courage.

I have also come to the conclusion much of this behavior is due to the fact that he is a bad alcoholic...And could very much be bipolar with a little mix of narcissistic personality disorder thrown in. then again maybe thats just my need to medically defy everything and everyone. He has displayed so many shockingly selfish behaviors on so many occasions i find myself concerned over his mental health. I guess what I am asking is how do you know? and why do i feel the need for such a definite answer? How does a person answer a question like that?

I will add, He's a hot head, I don't have much of a family, and his family has done every thing for me and there new grand child... sometimes i feel like when leave its going to cause a lot of drama and I'm afraid ill lose my little girl to him... most of the time i don't want him to have her alone at all because of the drinking.. and when i go to end **** he gets so spiteful, and uses her against me and to scare and control me. That in itself is enough to leave him over, I should also mention i suffer from Borderline personality, making breakups catatonic for me, i suffer horrible episodes especially towards the beginning of relationships, but now after two years they have faded in severity when the breakups happen. I Just need someone to grab me and scream at me and tell me I'm ******* stupid please :[
Reply Sat 30 Dec, 2017 10:16 am
I should also mention, emotionally he is the most unsupportive selfish person I've ever met, its literally as if he does not have the mental capacity to feel empathy. He uses "people just don't like to be told" as an excuse to be inexplicably rude to people all the time. At times its gotten so bad that he doesn't even try anymore, We haven't had sex in a month because i had my IUD removed, and i find myself really self conscious when we are intimate because I've gained 35 pounds after the baby and haven't lost it almost a year later... He has me in such a mental state, i just don't like myself anymore...
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Reply Sat 30 Dec, 2017 11:40 am
Oh FFS, you don't need proof.

Go to a lawyer and get your child's care and financial support set in stone and make sure your child can see both parents.

Period, end of story. You don't need proof. That's only to feed your ego, and it is horribly selfish.

I'm not saying cheating on you was right. Of course it's not right.

But it doesn't matter. You don't even need to get a divorce (which you can do without cause/fault in most western countries these days). Just get your child squared away and quit fixating on this.
Reply Sat 30 Dec, 2017 12:14 pm
Why would you want your child to evenbe around this toxic person?

You house must be very stressful. That's not fair to this child.

Be sure you get tested for STDs.
Reply Sun 31 Dec, 2017 11:13 am
I guess as with all situations, its terribly hard to explain every aspect of it, the selfish part may be that with my condition, which is pretty much the same thing as post traumatic stress disorder, just with different causes... makes it terribly stressful for me to follow through with change and breakups.
Reply Sun 31 Dec, 2017 11:16 am
I have, and I mean, its mostly me and my daughter, i am her main caregiver, and I don't believe in removing the father completely, and precautions can always be made for visitation no matter how "toxic" the person may be or seem. Ive been through that once already with my oldest. I did everything i could to keep her in contact with her father despite the very trying circumstances, until his death about a month ago.
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Reply Sun 31 Dec, 2017 12:07 pm
Then you need treatment for your condition. Bad stress is terrible for everyone, but don't add to it by playing junior detective.

You don't need to.

And getting rid of perceived obligations can help with stress management.
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