I Cheated. Part two

I've known this guy for 3 years now. We met when I was younger, pretty young honestly. And we've been friends ever since. We were very close and we have talked constantly. I'm going to call this guy J. We became fast friends upon meeting and eventually friendship turned into more. We began to do some sexual things but we never actually had sex. No one really knew we were even friends let alone the sexual nature of our relationship. We grew closer the more time passed and despite the occasional disagreement or annoyance we talked pretty much constantly. For a while when we first met I really liked J and I wanted more from him. I made small efforts but never said aloud that I wanted more. I would do things like try to cuddle after we had done sexual things and he would tell me to get off. After several similar attempts I eventually quit and my feelings began to dim. We remained very close friends but I also started to date other people eventually. Though while I was dating other people I was still talking to J as friends. About a year ago we were both going through some pretty difficult times with people we were trying to be with. I had been on and off with a guy I was pretty much head over heels for (We'll call him C) for about two years. We were talking and trying to work things out even though we had both done some stupid things to each other and he was in a really difficult situation. Anyway we never came back from the damage we both did to us, and I was pretty heartbroken about it and felt pretty used. J had met a girl we're going to cal K that played him and faked interest in him and got married 5 months later to another guy. We helped each other get through the pain and rejection and we talked constantly and became even closer than we had been before. One night J finally physically reappeared in my life and things began to be different. J liked me, suddenly, I was of value to him. We began to have sex, but I wasn't very trusting in where the relationship was going so I continued to keep my options open. Justin had admitted that he cared for me. But I had always cared for him and this didn't seem particularly out of the ordinary for me. I accepted a date from a guy we're going to call Q. Q and I ended up having sex on the first date and when J found out about the date he said that he "was afraid to lose me so he asked me out" even though earlier he had told me that he wanted to take things slow, and I had understood that as him not being ready for a relationship. Which I was perfectly fine with. I thought it was just an easy out he could rely on if he needed to. I however don't ever remember feeling like he asked me out especially since this is how he worded it "i'm not comfortable saying we're just talking anymore". I had never known we were talking, and I had never thought of us like that either. I went on another date with Q and we had sex again. For a long time I lied about having sex with Q, and I revealed the truth very hurtfully. We've fought a lot since then, and I've done nothing but try to escape the relationship because we were better as friends and I wish we could go back to that. I love him, but I don't feel like I can help him. We broke up 4 months after I told him the truth but we still talk everyday. We still have sex, and we still act as if we are in a relationship. It's been two months since we broke up and we are still trying to make this work. I'm not doing a very good job. He also is trying to get revenge be being with other people, and I'm not sure how I feel about this. On one hand I feel like he deserves but on the other I feel like it will just make everything even worse. he's also going to the beach with his friends in about two weeks for this exact reason. I've begged him not to go but he just gets angry and calls it "keeping his self respect"