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Am I just as bad as her?

 
 
Reply Sun 22 Oct, 2017 12:29 am
So my wife of 7 years, soul mate of 12 years decided to have enough of me. I wasn’t paying enough attention to her and was extremely overwhelmed by bills and working 3 jobs to take care of us. I was miserable at 2 out of the 3 jobs and kinda just checked out of the relationship. My wife finally decided to tell me it’s over, that she fell out of love with me years ago and she wanted so much more for us. She cried really hard and I could tell it was killing her to do this. I know deep down she still loved me. She even told me she did. I did the natural thing and panicked. I stated doing more around the house, I lost 27 pounds in a month from not being able to eat. I started working out everyday. I was holding my wife, hugging and kissing her. It didn’t seem to help and her mind was made up. Then she started acting weird and I could tell something was up and that she had moved on only a week after telling me. I searched through her phone and found that she had been doing sexual things with another guy already and having sex with him. I flipped out and eventually called her out on it. She cried and felt terrible I gues. Anyway to get to my question, I got really pissed at her one night and seeing as I’m the account holder of our cell phone provider, I blocked his phone number for ever calling or texting her ever again. And it works both ways so she can’t call or text him either. I figured she would figure it out and just scream at me for doing it and getting on her own phone line. But she didn’t. She thought that the guy got sick of her already and kicked her to the curb and just stopped taking to her because she was moving to fast. I can see how devastated that she is, it’s just like when she put me through the first couple weeks after she told me it was over and then I found out on top of that she had been cheating on me a week prior to telling me it was over. As much as I did not care to see how much pain she was in because she did this to herself. I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing by blocking him from contacting her, and now her thinking that she wants nothing to do with him. She finally admitted that they were serious and planned on having kids and moving in together after the divorce. I feel I’m Doing her a service by ending it between them because she was going to quit her job and have his babies and ruin her life. She’s not like that at all so I know she would of just got heart broken again in the end. But am I doing the wrong thing by not letting things just play out between them??? Should I unblock him and let her continue the affair while we are going through the divorce???
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Type: Question • Score: 2 • Views: 662 • Replies: 13
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PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Sun 22 Oct, 2017 06:02 am
@mikeywins21 ,
I wouldn't let the loss of a phone get in the way of seeing someone I lived.
mikeywins21
 
  1  
Reply Sun 22 Oct, 2017 12:05 pm
@PUNKEY,
That’s what I thought too. I think this guy liked the thrill of sexting. After looking at the phone records they hardly ever actually talked on the phone. 1-5 minutes maybe twice a month. Yet she claims he promised her the world, he told her he wants kids too. He told her he wants to start a family with her. Once I realized when I got back from a week long trip at my parents, that he had not reached out to her in 2 full days. I thought... well I did block him but why hasn’t he tried to call her from a friends phone, or his hotel room. Or better yet drive to her work and see why the hell she’s not responding all of a sudden. So yeah that went through my mind too.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sun 22 Oct, 2017 04:29 pm
@mikeywins21 ,
If you are getting a divorce why do you still have physical access to her phone?

Let her know that the account has been cancelled so she can make arrangements for her own phone and other bills.

Get the divorce sorted , live on your own for a while and then find a woman who is interested in a relationship with you - not someone who is over you. It's no good for either of you.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sun 22 Oct, 2017 04:30 pm
@mikeywins21 ,
mikeywins21 wrote:
I feel I’m Doing her a service by ending it between them because she was going to quit her job and have his babies and ruin her life.


none of this is your business

don't do her any more favours like this

live your own life and let her get on with hers
0 Replies
 
mikeywins21
 
  1  
Reply Sun 22 Oct, 2017 06:29 pm
@ehBeth,
I’ve told her to get her own phone line and start paying for her own bills. To get off my account. She likes to mooch off me I guess, worst part is this whole thing backfired on me. She’s been so upset the last 4 days thinking this guy ran her through the ringer. She finally came to me today saying she was so upset about us and about him and is scared about the future. After taking to her for a while she asked me if I could ever forgive her. She admitted that she still loves me and that in itself is making this so hard on her. Then she finally said that we should go through with the divorce proceedings and sell the house. She said she doesn’t want to move out till the house is sold. I can’t move out till the house is sold because I have dogs to take care of for one. I pay all the bills and still have to until it’s sold, and I have no family left in this area to temporarily fall back on. I asked her and finally demanded her to go live with her dad if she was going to continue this affair right under my nose. Now that he’s out of the picture, her tune has changed. She actually told me that maybe while we are working through this divorce we may rekindle our relationship and stay together. I’m so confused
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sun 22 Oct, 2017 06:41 pm
@mikeywins21 ,
Tell you are cancelling her phone and then do so.

Tell her what you did about blocking the other guy.

Put the house on the market immediately.

Get the divorce moving.

__

If you're not sure you want to go through with the divorce, live separately and get counselling underway asap. Keep in mind that you will need to be as honest about things as your wife will be. One way or the other you'll have to tell her about what you did , blocking the other guy. What he did or didn't do about following up with her is between them.
0 Replies
 
mikeywins21
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Oct, 2017 06:19 am
Well I made the decision to undo the block. If they really want to make something out of this affair then so be it. I found myself thinking “How could I ever make this work with her?” When she suggested that maybe we work things out. In my head I’ve moved on and an only looking towards the future.
0 Replies
 
mikeywins21
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 Oct, 2017 10:41 pm
Ok so seeing as I can’t figure out how to start a new post I’ll just leave an update. It’s only been a month and a half since my wife told me she wants a Divorce. She had been unhappy, as myself for the last 2 years. We were both miserable, hated our jobs, didn’t make enough money, and constantly had problems come up with our house and bills almost always being late. We never thought our lives would be like this when we first got together, and when things started not to work out we started to fight and even resent each other. A lot of the blame game. But honestly through all that we still have a VERY strong love for one another. I mean 12 years is a long time, and we have been through a lot of bad times, and a lot of good times too. So despite all this, despite her screw up with the Affair, it’s hard to just part ways. I think in the beginning she was hoping to treat this like a Band-Aid just rip it off and move on quickly. It’s been a month and a half and we haven’t even filed for the divorce yet. She has got A lot of stuff out of the house, but there’s still so much to do. So just in these last few days she has been having second thoughts. She’s been doing a lot of crying and telling me how much she loves me and how much her family still loves me and how her sister is siding with me. And that just a lot of things are really hard right now. She wants to know if she’s making the biggest mistake of her life by letting me go, but at the same time If things can’t change between us. Then there’s no reason to stay together. I think we should still split go get our lives in order and if it was really meant to be we could get back together again even if it’s a year or two down the road. I don’t think either one of us will ever find somebody that will love as much as we love each other. If we do it’s just going to be way different. Are we making the right choice by splitting up and going are separate ways???
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Nov, 2017 07:34 pm
No marriage counselor? Ever?

God - you two are stumbling around with no direction , and now you have doubts?

Do you think divorce and having to sell the house will relieve you of debts?

mikeywins21
 
  1  
Reply Mon 6 Nov, 2017 04:16 pm
@PUNKEY,
I’ve asked her to go to a counselor. She says we have had plenty of talks on the couch at our house and it’s never got us anywhere. I told her that’s way different than sitting down with a professional. As far as the debts go, her and her family have always been money driven. She feels that we need to go our separate ways, go back to living with our parents and save up our money. Work on ourselves and in 8 months to a year if our love for one another is still as strong as it is now, that we will try again
mm25075
 
  1  
Reply Mon 6 Nov, 2017 05:03 pm
@mikeywins21 ,
'If things can’t change between us...."

Things are not going to change unless a concentrated effort is put into it. It does not seem as if she wants to try.


0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 6 Nov, 2017 05:06 pm
@mikeywins21 ,
Counselling might work best when you're living separately. Nothing at home to aggravate/remind either of you.

Start fresh. Either together or separately.

The reality is that it takes more than love to make a relationship work. It takes a lot of work by everyone involved.
mikeywins21
 
  1  
Reply Tue 7 Nov, 2017 12:06 am
@ehBeth,
I’m already seeing a Therapist, I started the week after she told me our marriage was over. I’ve incourged her to do the same as soon as she can. She’s alwsys suffered from depression. Now she thinks it may even be bipolar disorder. I hope while we are alart she really can get her life together. I know that’s going to be my plan.
0 Replies
 
 

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