Offspring: thoughts on the ones you had, or didn't have ...

Ummmm...

Okay.

First let me say that I'm not offended by that despite the fact that I'm 44 and Mo is almost 4.

But would he really be better off with his bio-mom who is exactly half my age?

Hmmmmmm......

And, I don't think that people really have kids with the expectation of bearing a caretaker.

Hmmmm.....

... & so might their offspring, eoe.

I am a MUCH more patient mother now (in my 40s and 50s) than I would have been at an earlier age. Life has taught me to be patient.

When I had my son at age 40, another older mother told me something I'll never forget. She said, "The best thing about having a child when you're older is that when they go through a bad phase, it just doesn't seem to last very long!"

That's true, and it's always good for a laugh whenever I remember it. However, the reverse is also true. When the child goes through an adorable phase, that doesn't seem to last very long, either.

Raising a child seemed like it would take a lifetime when I was in my 20s. But now, 18 years doesn't seem very long at all.

Some have asked what it is that makes people decide they want children. I can't answer for everyone, but I can explain it for myself. Once I was in my 30s, I realized that I had been living on my own as an adult for about 15 years, and my lifestyle wasn't likely to change for another 30 years, assuming I retired at 65. The thought of living exactly the same way for that long bored me to tears. I couldn't stand the idea of never being part of a family again. (Coupledom just wasn't the same thing.) So, assuming that a child would be around the house for about 20 years, give or take, that still left 15 years of aloneness-with-or-without-partner, plus all the years after retirement. Being part of a family for some of those years seemed like a much fuller, much more interesting life.

Plus, I wanted the experience of pregnancy...of knowing what it was like to create a human being inside myself...one that was half me, half my partner.

And most of all, I wanted to experience a different kind of love. A love that, by all accounts, was even deeper and more meaningful than romantic love.

And I have to say, it has been all that.

Having and raising a child has been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but it's also been the best thing I've ever done.

Eva, I will totally agree with you! Even though I had my kids in my 20's and it seemed (then) like a forever journey to get them raised, I still look back on those years as if it were yesterday and wonder how it all went so fast. I come from a large family. My mom is one of 11 and I had 35 first cousins. We all grew up in the same town for at least the first 10 years of my life. I guess having kids around just always felt so natural to me.

And yes, it was a hard job, but by far the most rewarding.

I find myself sort of in the middle of this as it becomes increasingly unlikely that I'll have ANOTHER child. When sozlet was a baby, I'd get a lot of questions about when she'd have a brother or sister (not if.) Now that she's 4, I've been getting "so she's an only child?" I get a lot of opinions about having an only child, which are parallel in a lot of ways to opinions about being childless.

I just found out that my best parent friend from IL is about to have his third -- we had many, many discussions about family size, and he was dead set against a third. He is about the most honest of anyone I've ever talked to on the subject, and said directly that he was dead set against a second, as well, but of course loves the kid hugely. And that's the thing -- you'll be really, really hard-pressed to find a parent who will wish away an existing child. And saying "I regret having my kid" is in effect wishing the kid away. There are few things more primal than propogation of the species. It could be argued that even those who do not have that primal urge are themselves contributing to the successful propogation of the species, the aunt effect (Jes and littlek being prime examples.)

Really interesting commentary here so far, I have a spectacularly bad connection so merely going back over the pages to find quotes will take me 15 minutes or so, but I remember being especially impressed with what FreeDuck and boomer had to say. Especially FreeDuck's comment about self-examination and how it applies to childrearing. I do a lot of that, and a lot of trying to extrapolate from what my (different) approach might mean. For example -- my mom was never allowed to have long hair as a child. Of course she grew it long once she was an adult, and kept my hair long when I was little. The thing was, she didn't really know how to take care of long hair, especially curly long hair like mine. There were regular, enormous, memorable battles as she struggled to brush my hair and I screamed bloody murder. She insisted it didn't hurt. It DID.

This was one of the many things she thought I'd understand once I had my own child -- when it didn't work out that way, when instead I said "why didn't you just cut my hair if it was such a huge hassle?", she explained how it was a reaction to her upbringing and especially her father, and she didn't want to cave. That cutting my hair because she couldn't take care of it adequately would be an admission of failure.

So -- with my daughter, I'm very careful when I brush her hair. If she says it hurts, I stop. As it happens, her hair is long -- she likes it long, and it's not that hard to take care of. We have a routine where she watches TV and I brush it and braid or put in ponytails or whatever, it goes pretty smoothly. But I think things like, am I letting her have too much control? As long as I am being reasonably careful, should I just continue on with brushing even if she complains? I try to be careful to not let my correction cause its own problems, as my mom's correction of her dad's strictures did. (So far, just stopping when she complains hasn't caused any problem -- she's very cooperative, and seems to only complain when she's sincere. But something I'm keeping an eye on.)

I'm an analytical type (you guys may have noticed that, ahem), and so had thought through many many aspects of parenting before I had a kid. There haven't really been that many big surprises -- I was a very active babysitter, and my master's is in early childhood education. But I definitely know people who are caught up in the whole Gerber baby/ Carter's romance of it and are completely floored by the reality.

Gosh, is this ever rambling, sorry! Comes partly of not knowing when I'll be able to get a connection again, I guess. My main answer to the stated question is that I've done lots and lots and lots of interrogation of parents to try to figure out whether they regret having more than one, regret having only one, etc., and it's nearly impossible. Once a kid is there, the parent is gonna love him or her, pretty much all the time.

Absolutely. I know of only one woman who admits that she had her child completely for her husband, had no desire herself to have a child and when they divorced, she was a little pissed about things. The handful of times I've been around her daughter, the little girl seems happy, and I've seen her mother look at her like any other proud and loving mother but, you just never know what their relationship is really like and I've often wondered about it.

Really good post, soz. I totally get what you're saying about over-correcting for your parents mistakes as my mother did the same thing and I am constantly striving for balance in that.

I also totally believe that people without children can make a huge contribution to other peoples' children's lives. I have 4 sisters and 2 brothers. Of all of us, only one sister and one brother and myself have children. Each of us exactly two by planning. My siblings who don't have children are fabulous role models for my kids as well as valuable sources of alternative perspectives for them. I expect to take advantage of them when my kids go through the stage where they completely reject everything about their parents.

My son is away at university and he is a blogger. Now I finally know what he's thinking!!!!

Oh Eva...your post was beautiful and heartfelt. Something tells me that you are a wonderful Mother.

As for me, your above statement touched my heart in ways you cannot imagine. Sitting alone on Mothers Day with empty arms and eyes brimmed with tears was never my idea of Motherhood . Still…I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart, that If I had a crystal ball that would have shown me the outcome of my pregnancy and all the heartache I would know…I would still do it all over again.

I remember every little kick…and every loving moment I had with my child growing inside of me and it was and still is…the most precious love I have ever known. There truely are no words to describe that kind of love.

Good thing my mom doesn't post here because I'd hate to hear her say she regretted the experience. Since she isn't here, I'd like to respond for her and say that we are best friends. Without each other, she would say life would have been more difficult and finding strength would be a challenge.

As for myself, I grew up always wanting a brother or sister. I'm glad I'm the only child, but I envy people like my soon-to-be family who are so close and call each other for everything.

No, there are not enough words. It is unlike any other kind of love.

I am so sorry that you didn't get to know your baby, Brooke. I lost two before my son was born, and I still think about them sometimes. One would have been a girl, and I'll never have a daughter now. So I know a little bit of how you feel, though not completely.

Still, you are younger than I am, and who can tell what time will bring? My prayer for you is that you will meet someone who is worthy of your love, and you will have beautiful, happy babies together. You so deserve that. You would be an amazing mother.

(((((HUGE HUG)))))

I must say that your posts have been a really interesting read. Amazing how different we all are.

The real beauty, IMO, is that no one has tried to present their way as the RIGHT way. There's room for everybody. And it's ALL good.

Yes, you're right, eoe!

I was never the kind to go gooey over babies - as a child I had no interest at all (give me a kitten any day!) and some small children I really liked - who were interesting characters - and others (spoilt brats, boring whatever) I disliked. the Sozlet I find enchanting.

I remember, aged 10, scandalising my father's mother, who gave me my very new baby cousin to hold. I held it for a bit (bored stiff) and handed it back - she wouldn't take it, telling me I could hold it a bit longer (thinking it was a treat I think) and i blurted out that I 'wasn't really very keen on babies' - shock, horror and I was told I was a wicked girl!

I didn't want to hold that dratted baby any longer!

My own are different though. The bond is incredible. We are a small but close family. I'm an only one but get on well with my parents and 2 daughters. They are their own people with distinctly different personalities but their values are good and I'm proud of them. They are good company, caring, fun, interesting ...


Yes there are problems and worries over the years and white hair but I wouldn't be without them. I loved watching them learn to do things and develop.

For me it was the right thing - but you can never know in advance how you'll cope - there's an element of playing the cards you're dealt but I was unprepared for how much I loved being a mum, given my total disinterest in other people's babies!

Vivien, you sounded just like my mother there for a minute. I remember her telling me, when I was a teenager, that other people's babies were like other people's pets...nasty, smelly, noisy things. A complete bother. Only your own are beautiful. And just like you hate cleaning up after other people's pets but don't mind cleaning up after your own, it's the same with babies.

I disliked babies for most of my life, too, then turned into the most doting mother you ever met.

Truthfully, though, I didn't enjoy my son's baby years nearly as much as I've enjoyed the years since.

Yes, I know what you mean about the baby years - I couldn't wait for them to learn more, more MORE! from the age of 6 months they just got more and more interesting. Luckily they were both really intelligent and capable of interesting conversations (like Sozlet) very young

I honestly don't know how I would have coped with a backward child, a dreadful thing to say I know! I suppose you get on and deal with it like anything else. a neighbour had a Down;s syndrome child who was a sweetheart but would never be independent and there would be the worry of what would happen to her in the future - especially as an older Down's child is not seen by strangers as 'cute' anymore - she moved away and so I only knew her as a small child,

No, I was never gooey over babies, either. I remember causing great mirth when visiting the home of a couple who'd just had a baby. There was the new baby gurgling happily in its cot, & nearby was their most BEAUTIFUL cat, reclining gracefully on the couch . Well you know the rest: I made a bee-line for the cat & proceeded to make a great fuss over it. THEN remembered the baby. Luckily the good folk I visited weren't offended, but amused.

no contest