Offspring: thoughts on the ones you had, or didn't have ...

I have a twelve year old daughter that I gave birth to and I have an eight year old son that came with my second marriage. After my daughter was born I had had my tubes tied because I didn't want to have any more babies so becoming a parent to a three year old boy was something that I never expected.

I love both of my kids more than anything and sometimes peoples attitudes really surprise me. I get comments like 'Oh he's not yours? But you're so good with him.' In this age of blended and alternative families it really shocks me. Why would I not be good with him? He's my child, whether I gave birth to him or not.

It's funny. At work one day all the women were talking about terrible birth stories. I told about my daughter being almost 4 weeks late and 10 1/2 pounds and then spent quite a few minutes trying to remember what being pregnant with my son was like. Then I remembered that I didn't actually deliver him.

I think part of parenthood is doting on your kids and thinking the world of them but part of 'good' parenthood is realizing that they're gonna screw up and loving them anyways. Denying children's mistakes isn't loving them or helping them. Helping children realize what they've done, helping them fix it and giving them alternative choices for the future may not be as easy as claiming that they'd never do such a thing, but it does give them the feeling that they CAN screw up and there WILL be consequences but that they are loved nonetheless.

I have friends who have made the decision to be childless and I admit to envying their freedom, finances and clean carpets now and again but I'll take the New Years Eve in, the 36 month financing for orthodontic treatment and my scungy floor just for the privelege of having those two kids in my kitchen every morning complaining about their oatmeal and not remembering to floss.

Just catching up on this thread, to see what I hadn't read prior to A2K down-time.
Interesting. It looks like quite are a number of folk who thought they were sure of what they wanted, then later changed their minds. Not too many (if any?) with regrets about having or not having children.

I'm convinced I would have been a hopeless mother & nothing has changed my mind about that! Actually teaching lots & lots of kids over the years has convinced me that motherhood was not for me. Don't get me wrong, I really liked my students. I just couldn't cope with adolescents 24 hours a day! :wink:

I am in the no-kids camp. I have, like MsOlga, been ambivialnt,. I never was driven to have kids, I also never wanted to rule them out entirely. Now, single and 35, I figure I won't be having them. I have no pangs of regret, as of yet, but I also haven't run off to get my tubes tied. I do think quite a bit about how I might feel at, say, age 60 - will I regret it then? I dunno. I have given the whole thing a lot of thought since I started caring fro my neice and nephew.

I think that having kids provides a whole new level of growth (and humility!) to people who have had them and have been there while they were growing up.

Yes, I know what you mean, k. Some folks I've known were changed in remarkable ways when they become parents.

MsOlga, did you find that teachers were less likely to have kids of their own?

No, not necessarily, k. But teaching is certainly a very good way to find out what adolescents are really like. Some of the things that students talk about with each other &, sometimes their teacher, would really panic their parents, I'm sure.

After spending time with my brother's three kids this weekend, I'd just like to say that I am so glad I am an uncle and not a parent. I love playing with the little rugrats, but as much as I love them, I don't want any of my own. No regrets at all.

Did anyone ever read the Alison Lurie novel, The War Between the Tates (?) I'll check out the exact title if anyone's interested. It explores, with great humour, how a successful marriage can be wrenched apart by by the childrens' adolescent years/parents' midlife confusions. It's an absolute hoot. I thoroughly recommend it.

I have an almost 3 year old daughter and an almost 5 year old son. They are a lot of work. I hated pregnancy and the whole first year, but I find them very entertaining now.

One of the things they did for me by coming into the world is that they forced me to contemplate myself. By that I mean that I was raised poorly and that in order for me to raise my children well I needed to find out what was still wrong with me, and fix it. Then wear that example for them. While there are still a lot of things wrong with me, I think that I've become a more honest, forgiving, less volatile person thanks to them. My children are beautiful, odd, funny, and destined for who knows what. I will try my best to keep them from turning into sniveling ingrates who think that the rest of the world is here solely for their entertainment.

I can certainly understand why someone would choose not to have children. That choice, ironically, is probably indicative of the kind of good judgment a parent needs.

bm

You know, I can't even really understand why so many people chose to have kids. Unplanned pregnancies I can understand.

A little off the point of the discussion, but this made me smile when I saw it yesterday.

I suspect (based on observation only) that the experience of becoming a parent is often quite different to what was expected. I've known people who were luke-warm on the idea become the most committed parents, taking absolute joy in their offspring. Others, often for reasons maybe not understood by themselves, just didn't "take" to it at all.

I love that cartoon!

Yeah, Olga, you never know.

I decided at 38 that children were probably no longer in the picture for me. I'd always wanted to have a child but by then, I was so accustomed to being on my own, and liking it, that getting pregnant would have been more a disaster than a blessing.

I don't regret making that decision but I've always regretted that my situation hadn't been different. That I hadn't met the right man, sooner, before I became so set in my ways, to have a child with. But the cards weren't dealt that way for me and who knows why? I wonder if I'd have the patience to deal with a kid today.

You know, eoe, I've often wondered about that. I mean, when a see a baby, or toddler, with quite markedly older parents. For example, when the child is 20, dad could be 65 or 70, or older. Mum's age, of course, would dictated by a shorten time-span in which to reproduce (excluding IVF). I don't want to offend anyone here, who might be in that situation, but I DO wonder how the child will feel, later. They could well be in the position of having to be carers of their own elderly parents at the time that they become parents, themselves. This could be the cause of considerable resentment, I imagine. I understand your reasoning perfectly.

two sides to this coin? well speaking from the edge (3rd side) I had a child (daughter) but her mom, a prof at the Univ ran off with one of her students never to be heard from again with my 3 yr old daughter whom I now hear is also a univ prof and is married (I only know from second hand rumours) Hell, I may be a grandpa for all I know. Pretty weird stuff but I don't think all that unusual.

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That must have been hard to cope with, dys. Have you or you daughter ever tried to contact each other? Please don't feel obliged to respond if this is personal/private, OK?

My father was in his 40's when I was born. It was never an issue of any kind. It's different for men, especially way back when, but I didn't want to have a child at 40. And my husband, at 50, certainly didn't want it but was willing (bless him) if I wanted to try. But I just couldn't see having a baby at that age and turning my life completely upside down. It wasn't an easy decision to make and I remember crying about it, but it's smartest to be totally honest with yourself about these things. Realistic. Alot of people aren't and they live to regret it.

I'm sorry that your daughter was taken from you, dys.